Being caught off guard

I think sometimes its the little things that really get to me, things that for most people wouldn't mean anything but to me, well they leave me in tears.

On Wednesday August 25th at 3.22pm we welcomed my niece into the world.
She is absolutely precious and adorable and I couldn't be prouder :)

I thought the feeling of joy and pride would be enough to get me through my first visit with her without crying, but what I did not prepare for was the little things.

I prepared myself for the fact that I was going to be seeing pregnant bellies everywhere, prepared myself for seeing
and holding a baby, prepared myself for people talking about the labour and even prepared myself in case someone asked me that dreaded question 'so when are you having more?'

So what are these little things that caught me off guard??

It probably didn't help that the hospital my sister gave birth at was the same hospital that I had my egg pick up and failed embryo transfer at :(

Driving in to the hospital car park my heart sunk, so many emotions came rushing back to me...I hadn't prepared for that

Standing in front of the elevators was when the tears came, all the memories of standing there being excited to go for my egg pick up, the memories of walking out of those lifts in tears when we only had one egg retrieved, the memory of the joy and anxiety (good anxiety) go up in those lifts to go for our embryo transfer, and the crushing memory of walking out of them after it failed knowing that we may have lost our only chance at a second child :(

Who would have thought that standing in front of a lift could be so emotional!

I so didn't want to cry, this was not about me and I didn't want to make it about me.
It was about my sister and her family, and I desperately tried to stop the tears and hold back any more coming....this was not easy but I think I did well

Than I held the baby.....



I had expected that this if anything would have had the tears flowing but no, instead I has such an overwhelming sense of calm and joy
This precious little bundle in my arms...this was the reason I have to keep going, so that the next time I hold a newborn...it's my own :)