Christmas Eve, 2004

It was Christmas Eve 2004 and I was nearly 12 weeks pregnant. We were at my mother in laws house for dinner when while sitting on the couch I felt a bit strange. I went to the toilet and saw blood everywhere :(
It was all over my pants, my underwear and my legs...the fear I felt in that split second is something I never wanted to feel again.

I went straight out and told Johnny and we left immediately to go to the emergency room.
We got there and they took us straight in and got the portable ultrasound machine, now this machine was so old that the doctor had to keep tapping the screen to stop it from cutting out!

But no matter how old the machine was, we were grateful because it showed us that our baby was alive and ok.

From that day on until the day Jakson was born, I had bleeding everyday. Not a lot, but at least some bleeding everyday. It was scary, I was monitored closely but in the end they could never tell me a reason as to why I was bleeding.
I lived with a constant fear that I would have another big bleed and that it would be game over :(


Fast forward to Sunday, November 7th 2010. I am about 6 or 7 weeks pregnant and getting ready to go to my nieces 13th birthday party, I went to the toilet and saw blood. Again, the sense of fear completely overwhelmed me.
This time though, I didn't tell Johnny. I monitored myself for the next couple hours to see if there would be anymore. When there was more, I than told Johnny.
The look on his face, the slump of his body....it's something I won't forget. You could physically see the fear come over him.

Being a Sunday night we didn't think there was much that could be done in the Emergency Room.
We were due to have a scan on the following day to see what gestation I am and what our due date would be.

So we decided to hold off going to the ER, to just monitor the blood loss and if it got any worse or I had any other symptoms that might indicate a miscarriage, than we would go to the ER.

We went to our niece's birthday and luckily we didn't have any more bleeding, so we decided to wait for our first ultra scan at 4pm on the Monday.


Monday, what a nervous day that was. Jakson was super excited to be coming to see his baby brother or sister and we were filled with fear at the possibility something could be wrong.

We didn't have to wait long to go in, only a few minutes which was good.
I told the sonographer about our little scare and past history with Jakson's pregnancy. 

I lay down on the bed and the songorapher began the scan. First he said he could see a pregnancy sack, which was a huge relief (I hadn't just imagined this pregnancy in my head!) and than I looked at Johnny as the sonographer said the words we were waiting to hear 'there is the heartbeat, you have a live pregnancy'

Just as I saw the physically changes in Johnny's body when the fear came, now I got to see the exact opposite.
I saw his whole body relax, I saw a smile come on his face...I watched as he pointed out the heartbeat to Jakson ♥♥♥


I think I will always have it in the back of my head that it could end at any time, and I hate that I have no control over that.
But what I do have control over is what I can enjoy, and I will enjoy this pregnancy.
I have been extremely exhausted, had horrible morning/all day sickness and now have only 3 pairs of pants that fit me, lol, but I will enjoy all of that because in the blink of an eye it could all be over.

We have fought to hard to get to this stage and I am going to make sure that I appreciate and love every minute of it.



oh, and our due date is June 28th, 2011 :)