Happiness and guilt

Today was an exciting day but also a day that I felt incredible guilt.


It was the day that we had our appointment with or fertility specialist to tell her that we are pregnant.

We decided to make an appointment and go and tell her face to face rather than over the phone because she has been the one to help and support us and the one who has had to give us all of our bad news so far.
Now it was our turn to share some news, some good news.


I was super excited to be going in and telling her but as soon as we got to the clinic and sat down in the waiting room I started to feel really nervous and guilty.

Feeling guilty isn't something new, I usually feel guilty when I am there.
I feel guilty because we already have a child, we have already been blessed and others who were in the waiting room hadn't got to experience that yet.

Today I sat there thinking just how many couples would sit in that waiting area each week. I thought about all the different stages they would all be at. Some would be there for their first appointment, some there waiting to start IVF, waiting for scans or test results or there (like we once were) to find out why IVF didn't work.


And there I was sitting there waiting to go in and say that we had been blessed once again, and once again we were lucky enough for it to happen naturally.

I felt incredible guilty and sad because I know that for some of these couples, they will never get to experience what we have. It's heartbreaking and devastating. A thought that for most people is inconceivable, I know for me it was.

I thought about how many couples our specialist would have had to give bad news too and how awesome it would be to tell her our good news.


And it was, we went in there and Jakson told her that 'mummy has a baby in her tummy' the look on her face was fantastic :)

We than had a chat and for the first time I was able to just chat with her, nice and relaxed...it was nice, really  nice.