P.N.D

PND or Post Natal Depression....there very scary words.
Especially for someone who has been through it before, which I have.

After Jakson was born I suffered from PND and it was one of, if not the most, darkest times in my life.
At a time when I should have been enjoying being a mother for the first time, enjoying the smilies and cuddles from my son...I was in such a dark place that I wasn't enjoying it like I should have.
I was overcome by the most horrific morbid thoughts (not thoughts of harming myself or anyone else) and filled with such incredible fear of Jakson or Jonathon being taken away from me that I was not functioning as a adult.
After seeing me like this and although he listening to me deny anything was wrong, I was lucky that Jonathon knew better and took me to the doctors. I will forever be grateful that he did this.
After talking to the doctor I was put on anti-depressants which I think saved my life. I was able to see clearly, to process things and to start functioning again, I was finally able to be the mum that Jakson deserved.

So after going through that the first time, I have been very scared of getting PND again.
After everything we've been though - trouble conceiving, a difficult pregnancy and me having to let go of having a natural labour, breastfeeding problems........I was sure I was going to get PND.

This time though I took a pre-emptive attack. During my pregnancy I started seeing the doctors in the mother baby unit (MBU) at the hospital. These doctors are psychologist there to help detect and manage PND.
They have been wonderful and I am happy to say that 11 weeks since having Milly, there is no sign of PND.

I think a big part of this has been establishing breastfeeding. I absolutely love breastfeeding and I am so glad that I persisted because it just feels so rewarding.
I really do think this has helped me not to get PND this time.
Another thing that I believe has helped is being informed about it. Having gone through it once I know how horrible it is and I also know the signs to look for in myself.

 
I feel sad that I didn't get to feel this way after Jakson was born but I know that it has not impacted on my relationship with him. I have an amazing bond with my little man and he is such a beautiful and caring little boy who I am so very proud of :)