Breastfeeding....not always as natural as it should be

Well what is supposed to be a natural event has been a very stressful one for me.

Breastfeeding did not happen instantly for us and in fact it took at least 5 days for my milk to even come in.

While in hospital we kept trying and we just could not get Milly to attach properly. Different nurses kept trying and still we couldn't get a proper attachment. I was starting to feel a bit, I dunno...stupid I guess for not knowing what a proper attachment was. In all honesty I had no idea what I or Milly should be doing.

With Jakson I was only able to breastfeed for three weeks and that was with using a nipple shield, so I never experienced an attachment with him.

To add to the stress this time, we had a very sleepy baby. Milly had a very big and nasty bruise on her face from the forceps when she was born and this had caused her to have jaundice and be very sleepy.
She was pretty much asleep non stop, only waking occasionally to have a little cry to let me know she was hungry or had a dirty nappy.
I would put Milly onto the breast, she would have a few little suckles and than be asleep again.
For me this was very frustrating, I just wanted to feed my baby :(
No, make that I needed to feed my baby.
One of the main reasons I gave up my dream of having a vaginal birth was to increase my chances of breastfeeding successfully.

Unfortunately it got to a stage in the hospital where we had to give her formula, this broke my heart.
Not that I'm against formula feeding, Jakson was formula feed.
But I so desperately wanted to breastfeed her that every bottle of formula I made up felt like that dream of breastfeeding her was slipping away :(

Just as with trying to conceive her, the pregnancy and birth, this was another stage that left me in constant tears.
And just like all of the above I was determined to stick with it and push through all the hurdles.

I kept trying, through all the pain and frustration I just kept trying and slowly we were making progress.

Once my milk came in I was able to express so that even though she was having bottles, at least it was my breastmilk she was having. Trying to encourage my milk to come in and my supply to keep up, I was pumping around the clock....I felt like I was a cow at a dairy farm! lol

After we came home from hospital I had a few nurses come out and visit and they kept trying to help Milly attach and yet still no luck. One of the nurses gave me a nipple shield to try, however it didn't work.

But not giving up I made an appointment at the breastfeeding clinic at the hospital, however they didn't have any vacancies for a week. So for that week I just kept pumping and offering the breast, hoping and praying that she would attach properly but  it was not to be.

Many many times I was close to giving up and just putting her onto formula. Since Milly was born I had been fighting infections and been on two different courses of antibiotics which were having an impact on my milk supply....adding more stress to the situation.

Throughout all the tears and frustration I am so grateful to have had my wonderfully supportive husband by my side. He kept things in prospective and calmed me down when I needed it.

Going to the breastfeeding clinic I was nearly at breaking point, nearly at the point of just throwing in the breastfeeding towel because it was consuming me too much and I should be enjoying having a newborn rather than crying non stop because I felt like a failure for not being able to breastfeed her.
But I am so glad that I went to that clinic, that I didn't call up and cancel the appointment.
The nurses there were so lovely and supportive. After talking about what had been happening so far the nurse gave me a smaller shield to use and instantly Milly attached and I sat there while she feed continuously for over 15 minutes, the longest feed she had ever had. Oh and yes, I cried again but this time they were happy tears.
I couldn't believe that just using a smaller shield had worked! and that there was still a chance for us to have a long and enjoyable breastfeeding journey.
We made another appointment for two weeks time, in which the nurse said we would probably not even need the shield! now this to me seemed nearly impossible.
I was never able to feed Jakson without the shield and had already had so many problems with Milly that I didn't see up being able to feed without the shield ever.

So for the next two weeks we feed with the shield and then we went back to the clinic.
I sat in the chair and the nurse said to try without the shield, so I did and instantly Milly attached!
I started crying (again!) because for the first time my baby had attached and was having a nice long and full feed from me.
All the tears, frustration, anger, guilt and everything else disappeared and I was instantly filled with joy and pride. Why pride? because I finally proud of myself for not giving up, for sticking with it.

We have been successfully breastfeeding since than :)
Although we have had to give her a few bottles of EBM (expressed breast milk) when my nipples were so sore and feeding was just too painful but we battled through it and have not had any problems since.

I love feeding my daughter, I cannot express the joy I get from it and I hope that we have a very long breast feeding journey ahead of us.