Being afraid

The thought of doing IVF again makes me feel ill :(

It's hard to explain why, probably because I don't really understand why myself.

Now I'm not talking about the thought of trying to fall pregnant, being pregnant or having another baby, I am talking solely about IVF.


It's not the drugs, procedures or the process of IVF that scares me but the outcome. I'm not scared of it failing again, I now know not to get my hopes up but if I were to be honest I think what I am most scared about and what makes me feel ill is what if I fail again?

Last time it was my body that let us down, my body that despite all the drugs could only produce one egg....what if that happens again? what if the answer we get to all of this is that my body is the one that is the problem?

As much as I hated being in the 'unexplained infertility' category, I didn't feel like it was all my fault.
There could have been a many different reasons as to why we still weren't pregnant, but if I can't produce eggs than I am going to know it's me.


If we were to find out tomorrow that we couldn't fall pregnant because of Johnny's sperm, there is absolutely no way I would blame him but when it comes to me, I am a lot harsher.

For so long I wanted answers, now it's the answers I'm afraid off