A year ♥

Our beautiful girl turned one last week. One whole year she has been with us and what an amazing year it has been.

I think back to all the sleepless nights we've had (and still have) all the health and development worries, all the tears and fears we've gone through and then I look at my little girl and know that everything we've done has been worth it.
We have an amazing little girl who has brought to much joy into our lives.



Milly turning one also marked 12 months of breastfeeding for me.

For me personally, this is such an amazing achievement. I am so proud that I have been able to achieve this, all the tears and pain was well and truly worth it.

I love breastfeeding, I can't explain why or what it is that I love about it, I just do.

There was a few days about two weeks ago where Milly seemed to be turning off having breastfeeds.
I'll be honest, it had me worried. Although I have decide to follow Milly's lead and wean when she is ready, I know that at the moment I'm not ready to wean.
Thankfully it was only a couple of days and then she was back to having good feeds. But those couple of days made me really realise just how much I love feeding her  ♥♥♥






So much has changed within the past year, we've seen marriages, break-ups, welcomed new babies and cried as some have made their way to heaven,  made new friends and lost some old ones :( built stronger relationships and watched as others have weakened :(

But most of all we have been happy with our little family. We have watched as this amazing bond that Jakson and Milly have together has grown stronger and stronger.
They are completely obsessed with each other and nothing brings me more joy then seeing them play together. The look Milly has when she looks up at her older brother is just amazing, he really is her very own superhero.

The Internet - Friend or Foe?

The internet is an amazing tool but it is a very scary place too.

As a parent, one of the hardest things is thinking about the fact that I will not always be able to protect my children.

I know the time will come when my children will want their own computer, will not want me hanging around them when they are on the net, will have secret facebook accounts etc....

That time scares the hell out of me!

We don't know who our children are chatting to, have become friends with, sharing photos and personal information with over the internet.
There is only so much you can without invading on their personal space and growth.

We (a general we) are becoming much more aware about predators and how they groom our children, we are much more vigilant about talking to our children and informing them about the nasties that could be on the other end of the internet chat.

While we are moving forward in this aspect, another one I only see getting worse.


I remember being back in school and the bullying that would go on. But for the most part, what happened at school stayed at school.
Now days it is so very different. Bullying happens 24 hours a day, there is no escape for some children.
It's easy to say keep them off the net or take their phone away but that might do more harm then good.
For many children (and adults) technology has become apart of their identity, it helps to define them.



The extent and intensity that bully happens, especially on social media sites, is so utterly frightening.
And it's not just children or teenagers, it's adults too.

Even as an adult I have been a victim of online bullying. If adults do not know how to deal with issues in a mature way then how can we expect children to?

It is easy to write a nasty facebook comment, de-friend someone or in worse cases start a facebook page about them then it is to deal with conflict directly and get to the bottom of whatever issue there is.


Maybe it's time for schools to go back to basics and teach manners and conflict resolution.

We bombard our children with so much information, that the basics of human interaction, respect and socially acceptable behaviours has become somewhat warped.


Legislation will always be chasing it's tail when it comes to trying to keep up with technology, so we cannot rely on punishment and consequence. We need to work out how to stop this from happening, we need to make this not ok for people to do.

To go for a thrid or not?

With Jakson nearly 7 and Milly nearly 1, we have had the question come up a few times if we are going to have another one.
We've talked about it a bit and go from yes to no and as soon as we think yes, we want another one, the other question come up....when do we start trying and how long do we try for before we stop?


We know one thing for sure, we will not going down the fertility treatment path again. It's just not something that either of us can do again. It took so much from us individually, as a couple and as a family that it's not a path we can travel again.


To be honest, I am also still carrying a lot of guilt over falling pregnant. I see so many other ladies desperately wanting a baby and I've been blessed to have two....could I really be that selfish to try and have a third?


I can remember those who during the three and a half years of trying for Milly had two babies in that time.
I felt so much more ripped off that they got two babies in that time when we just wanting to have one.
I know how hard it must be for others who were trying when we were and are still on that horrible path trying to get their baby to see us going back for a third.


While I know intellectually that I shouldn't carry this guilt and that I have no control over it, emotionally and psychologically it haunts me.


So will we try for a third child? I honestly don't know at this point, I change my mind so much on it that I just don't know :(

9 months old!

Well haven't I been a bit slack with keeping up with this!

Our little princess is 9 months old now! 9 months that has flown by.


The last six months have been a busy time for us with the festive season, end of year, weddings, work and I've started uni too. Add to that all the usual ups and downs life throws at you and it's been a very busy time for us.

Milly is going good, although we have had some concerns about her growth. We had to see a paediatrician because between three and six months she lost weight. That was a pretty stressful time for me. I had a lot of doubt about my ability to feed her and if my milk was good enough for her. I had a few people suggest putting her on formula and it was hard to keep going when I was doubting myself so much.
But after a trip tot the paediatrician we were relieved to hear she was fine.

We are still breastfeeding (I can't believe we've made it this far!! :) and she is eating anything in sight, she loves her food :)

She is crawling everyone and getting into everything, highlighting how un-babyproof our house is LOL.
she is also saying mum and dad, well a lot more dad then mum BUT mum was her first word so that makes up for it :)


Jakson and Milly have developed are beautiful bond and I love watching them together. As soon as one of them sees the other their eyes and face light up, it's a really touching sight to see.
The play together, and Jakson is such a great helper for us. He loves to help with feeding, changing, bathing, playing with her......anything he can help with :)

It's hard to believe that our little boy is growing up so fast, in a few short months he will be 7 years old!


Not a day goes by that I don't look at them and think how blessed I have been. Two wonderful, beautiful and healthy children who are the centre of our world

3 very fast months

Our baby girl is going to be three months old tomorrow.

It has been three of the fastest months of my life!

I'm very happy to say that I am still breastfeeding and loving it. I am finding it so rewarding and, well I can't really describe the joy it brings me :)


Milly has changed so much in three months. She really does have her own little personality now and it's adorable!
She is full or smiles, giggles and baby noises and we are all loving it.

She is a very lucky girl because she has a big brother who is completely obsessed with her!
Jakson loves her so much, he is forever sitting next to her and talking or singing to her or laying down next to her while he plays games on his iTouch, just so he can be next to her.

As soon as Milly hears Jakson's voice she starts looking for him, sometimes it looks like she is going to break her neck because she is stretching it so much to see him!

We are also very lucky that Jakson is the best little helper in the world :) always there to help with bathing her or changing her nappy. He really is making it easier for us.



I have to say that the only thing that has put a bit of a damper on things is visitors...well lack of visitors.
Milly is three months old and in that time we have had one lot of friends come over for a visit, and family....well I can count the number of times family have come over on one hand (and that's both sides of our families combined).

I know people are busy or sick or have things going on in their lives but Milly has been here for 13 weeks now and I really didn't think it was too much to expect that people would have put aside an hour to come and meet her in that time or even invited us over to their place so they can meet her. 

It just makes me sad that people haven't come to meet her, after all the 'I can't wait for you to have her' or 'I can't wait for newborn cuddles with her' comments during my pregnancy I guess I just expected that by three months old they would have visited her.

P.N.D

PND or Post Natal Depression....there very scary words.
Especially for someone who has been through it before, which I have.

After Jakson was born I suffered from PND and it was one of, if not the most, darkest times in my life.
At a time when I should have been enjoying being a mother for the first time, enjoying the smilies and cuddles from my son...I was in such a dark place that I wasn't enjoying it like I should have.
I was overcome by the most horrific morbid thoughts (not thoughts of harming myself or anyone else) and filled with such incredible fear of Jakson or Jonathon being taken away from me that I was not functioning as a adult.
After seeing me like this and although he listening to me deny anything was wrong, I was lucky that Jonathon knew better and took me to the doctors. I will forever be grateful that he did this.
After talking to the doctor I was put on anti-depressants which I think saved my life. I was able to see clearly, to process things and to start functioning again, I was finally able to be the mum that Jakson deserved.

So after going through that the first time, I have been very scared of getting PND again.
After everything we've been though - trouble conceiving, a difficult pregnancy and me having to let go of having a natural labour, breastfeeding problems........I was sure I was going to get PND.

This time though I took a pre-emptive attack. During my pregnancy I started seeing the doctors in the mother baby unit (MBU) at the hospital. These doctors are psychologist there to help detect and manage PND.
They have been wonderful and I am happy to say that 11 weeks since having Milly, there is no sign of PND.

I think a big part of this has been establishing breastfeeding. I absolutely love breastfeeding and I am so glad that I persisted because it just feels so rewarding.
I really do think this has helped me not to get PND this time.
Another thing that I believe has helped is being informed about it. Having gone through it once I know how horrible it is and I also know the signs to look for in myself.

 
I feel sad that I didn't get to feel this way after Jakson was born but I know that it has not impacted on my relationship with him. I have an amazing bond with my little man and he is such a beautiful and caring little boy who I am so very proud of :)

Breastfeeding....not always as natural as it should be

Well what is supposed to be a natural event has been a very stressful one for me.

Breastfeeding did not happen instantly for us and in fact it took at least 5 days for my milk to even come in.

While in hospital we kept trying and we just could not get Milly to attach properly. Different nurses kept trying and still we couldn't get a proper attachment. I was starting to feel a bit, I dunno...stupid I guess for not knowing what a proper attachment was. In all honesty I had no idea what I or Milly should be doing.

With Jakson I was only able to breastfeed for three weeks and that was with using a nipple shield, so I never experienced an attachment with him.

To add to the stress this time, we had a very sleepy baby. Milly had a very big and nasty bruise on her face from the forceps when she was born and this had caused her to have jaundice and be very sleepy.
She was pretty much asleep non stop, only waking occasionally to have a little cry to let me know she was hungry or had a dirty nappy.
I would put Milly onto the breast, she would have a few little suckles and than be asleep again.
For me this was very frustrating, I just wanted to feed my baby :(
No, make that I needed to feed my baby.
One of the main reasons I gave up my dream of having a vaginal birth was to increase my chances of breastfeeding successfully.

Unfortunately it got to a stage in the hospital where we had to give her formula, this broke my heart.
Not that I'm against formula feeding, Jakson was formula feed.
But I so desperately wanted to breastfeed her that every bottle of formula I made up felt like that dream of breastfeeding her was slipping away :(

Just as with trying to conceive her, the pregnancy and birth, this was another stage that left me in constant tears.
And just like all of the above I was determined to stick with it and push through all the hurdles.

I kept trying, through all the pain and frustration I just kept trying and slowly we were making progress.

Once my milk came in I was able to express so that even though she was having bottles, at least it was my breastmilk she was having. Trying to encourage my milk to come in and my supply to keep up, I was pumping around the clock....I felt like I was a cow at a dairy farm! lol

After we came home from hospital I had a few nurses come out and visit and they kept trying to help Milly attach and yet still no luck. One of the nurses gave me a nipple shield to try, however it didn't work.

But not giving up I made an appointment at the breastfeeding clinic at the hospital, however they didn't have any vacancies for a week. So for that week I just kept pumping and offering the breast, hoping and praying that she would attach properly but  it was not to be.

Many many times I was close to giving up and just putting her onto formula. Since Milly was born I had been fighting infections and been on two different courses of antibiotics which were having an impact on my milk supply....adding more stress to the situation.

Throughout all the tears and frustration I am so grateful to have had my wonderfully supportive husband by my side. He kept things in prospective and calmed me down when I needed it.

Going to the breastfeeding clinic I was nearly at breaking point, nearly at the point of just throwing in the breastfeeding towel because it was consuming me too much and I should be enjoying having a newborn rather than crying non stop because I felt like a failure for not being able to breastfeed her.
But I am so glad that I went to that clinic, that I didn't call up and cancel the appointment.
The nurses there were so lovely and supportive. After talking about what had been happening so far the nurse gave me a smaller shield to use and instantly Milly attached and I sat there while she feed continuously for over 15 minutes, the longest feed she had ever had. Oh and yes, I cried again but this time they were happy tears.
I couldn't believe that just using a smaller shield had worked! and that there was still a chance for us to have a long and enjoyable breastfeeding journey.
We made another appointment for two weeks time, in which the nurse said we would probably not even need the shield! now this to me seemed nearly impossible.
I was never able to feed Jakson without the shield and had already had so many problems with Milly that I didn't see up being able to feed without the shield ever.

So for the next two weeks we feed with the shield and then we went back to the clinic.
I sat in the chair and the nurse said to try without the shield, so I did and instantly Milly attached!
I started crying (again!) because for the first time my baby had attached and was having a nice long and full feed from me.
All the tears, frustration, anger, guilt and everything else disappeared and I was instantly filled with joy and pride. Why pride? because I finally proud of myself for not giving up, for sticking with it.

We have been successfully breastfeeding since than :)
Although we have had to give her a few bottles of EBM (expressed breast milk) when my nipples were so sore and feeding was just too painful but we battled through it and have not had any problems since.

I love feeding my daughter, I cannot express the joy I get from it and I hope that we have a very long breast feeding journey ahead of us.