It's just so unfair :(

This is not a post I ever thought I would be making :(

I went to bed last night very excited and nervous about what today would bring. I would be getting up at 5am and getting ready to go to the hospital(after dropping Jakson off) with my husband to have our embryo that would become our child transferred in to me.

It was exciting, it was the start of a life! It may not have been the way I thought or wanted it to happen but it was the start of a brand new life, a brand new life that would one day be our son or daughter.

Because we got to the hospital earlier than expected we went and had some breakfast together and talked about things and the miracle of what was about to happen.

We went and saw the nurse and signed the forms, went through the medication I would need afterwards and than she explained what would happen. We would get to see our embryo before it's implanted, I was amazed at this because I didn't know that happened. She even said we might get a photo of it, how special and amazing would that be!
We than went and waited in the waiting room, we were only minutes away from it all happening and the excitement was definitely building inside me.

I got my phone out to check it and was a bit shocked to see a missed call from my fertility specialist, unfortunately she couldn't be there and another doctor was going to be doing the transfer so I thought maybe she was ringing to say good luck.....how wrong I was.
I called her back and her words to me were "I'm sorry but I have some bad news for you' that moment in time by heart sunk and I knew that I wouldn't be walking out of there with my embryo, my future child.

She said that things were fine last night and this morning and than they noticed the the embryo had started to develop 2 abnormal cells....cells which have made the embryo not viable for pregnancy.

I hung up and told Johnny, I never ever want to have to tell him something like that ever again as long as I live...it was horrible :(

We didn't know what to do than, we were supposed to be going in for the transfer with a doctor we didn't know, we couldn't even see them because we hadn't meet them before.
So we went to reception and told them what happened and asked them to let the doctors know we were leaving.


We got to the car and cried, cried so many tears :(

There are so many questions, and no answers.....I'm not sure if there will ever be any answers :(

Did I take my medication wrong, did I do something that made me only produce one egg and an egg that may have caused the abnormal cells? could I have prayed harder? gone to Church to ask for Gods help? could I have tried some alternative treatment to help??  surely there was more I could have done to make this IVF journey a successful one?

Why did this have to happen at the last possible minute? I feel like it was within reach and than snatched away from us so unfairly



One of the hardest things about being so open about our struggles is when things go bad I also have to share that, it's only fair. But it's hard, it's hard to tell people that things have not worked out, I don't want to make our struggles anyone elses burden but people have come on this journey with us and supported us unconditionally and it is only fair that I share this too :(

I guess sometimes when things like this happen, it makes me wish I hadn't shared our story, hadn't opened up about how I feel :( but than I have to think of all the kind and supportive messages I have received and how by sharing our story, I have helped others.


When we are feeling up to it again we will make an appointment to go back and see the specialist and hope she has some answers about what went wrong