Our loss, is a loss

So it's been over a week now since our first (and hopefully not last) IVF attempt failed.
Failed, that's such a harsh word but I guess it's the truth....it didn't work so therefor it failed  :(

It's been an ok week, lots of feeling up and down, lots of tears and lots of questions that will never be answered.

I think one of the biggest things I had to deal with is my own beliefs.
You see, I believe that life begins at conception and even though our embryo was on alive for just over a day....to me it was the beginning of a child. I know that many wouldn't see it that way, but it's what my beliefs are and it's why I have struggled with the whole IVF thing and multiple embryos being created.
That's why when we only had one egg retrieved, I told myself that it was because God knew how I felt and didn't want to burden me with the decision of what to do with the left over embryo's......I convinced myself that God only gave me one because he knew that was all I would need.

Some people don't see what we have gone through as a loss, but to me it very much is.
I wonder if our embryo had been transferred back into me and not survived, would people have seen that as a loss? That is pretty much what a 'chemical pregnany' is and people still see that as a loss, so is it the fact that it was not inside me that makes it less of a loss??

I had one comment said to me (and I can't remember the exact phrase, but it was something like this) 'at least it wasn't put back in you and not lived' but I don't think that would have made it any easier or harder for me, I am still very much feeling the loss of what should have been my son or daughter.

I would never want to minimise the pain of someone who has experienced a miscarriage or loss of a child, and in the same respect I would never want my pain minimised by others who do not think our loss is big enough.


I wonder how long it will take to stop asking myself what I could have done to change things.
Did I do something wrong or not do something right to make my egg not the best quality it could have been, could I have done something more....prayed more, done more research to increase our chances, did I jinx myself by being so open about our struggles - have I made myself the poster girl for infertility..?

Even though our embryo was not put back into me, I feel like maybe I could have fixed it or made it live if I had been given the chance....that's the emotional side, the mothering and protector side of me talking, because logically I know that this is just the way it went, that it just wasn't meant to be.


I guess like all things, it will take time and be an ongoing process for us to move on from

I just pray that if we do get to do IVF again, it will be a more positive outcome