It's such a strong word, so how can I feel something so strong for myself? :(
Yep, that's right I hate myself! I hate what I have become, I hate what and how I think, I hate what infertility has done to me.
I am not a nice person or a good person....I am bitter, angry, frustrated, jealous....so many negative words.
I hate that the drugs are making me so unpredictable, I don't even know when I'm going to have a mood swing so how are the people around me to know what to do or how to act to not upset me
The smallest thing can set me off and once I am put in 'that' mood, I have no idea how to get out of it!
I know what I am feeling and I know what I want to be feeling but I just don't know how to go from one to the other
I hate breaking down in tears for no apparent reason, I hate always putting on a facade that I am ok and that I am coping.
I hate that I feel like I am lying when I appear to be happy, because I know that for every single second of every single day I am in pain....and a very deep pain :(
I don't know if I will ever go back to the person I was before, but I really hope I can get some of that back because the person that I am now is not a person I like.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I relate to so much of this post Jodes. I think I pretty much wrote one just like this 2 years ago when I had my second miscarriage. Even though I have my baby now, I still am angry and bitter and twisted and what makes it harder is people expect you to be fixed once you get pregnant and fixed once you had that person. They don't understand that what infertility and loss does to you is there forever, it takes a little bit of you away and replaces it with someone you don't even recognise sometimes.
ReplyDeleteHugs for you hun, I wish no one had to go through this
ReplyDeleteIt has absolutely stolen a part of me that I will never get back, and replaced it with bitterness and anger that will probably stay with me forever (no matter how much I try and convince myself it hasn't).
It's a very dark and twisted place infertility sends you too and nothing, not even falling pregnant or having a child can ever fix that :(