Going on from my last post about the coping mechanism I used, I wonder what other things I have done (both consciously and subconsciously) to cope through all of this.
I like to think of myself as a loving and caring person who tried to help others and support them, but am I really?
I think it's been easier for me to support strangers (and by strangers, I mean ladies I know but have never met - ladies that are on the pregnancy and parenting forum I am on and ladies that I have shared a lot with, as they have with me) than it is to with those nearest and dearest to me.
One example; my sister is very pregnant at the moment, she is due in August so doesn't have long to go at all and yet I have never rubbed or even touched her belly....I struggle to even even look at it :(
Yet I will look at pregnancy belly photos on the forum and FB and comment on how beautiful they are.
It's quite strange that I can feel more comfortable with people I have never met than with my own sister, or close friends.
So is it bitterness that has made me this way, or jealousy or maybe it's just a coping mechanism that I need to do to get through it all - for the pregnancy closest to me are going to mean more too.
It's not that I don't want to see those closest to me happy, I think it's just that I wish I had someone to talk to about all of this who isn't currently pregnant....someone I can go out with for a coffee without having to avoid seeing their belly, or talk about their pregnancy.
I wish I knew how to get over that bitterness, envy and resentment (not towards them, but towards myself) and join in the joy of their pregnancy but at the moment I have no idea how to do that :(
I really wish I was a better person than what I am
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