Guilt

Guilt, it's such a horrible feeling and through all of this struggle we've had with infertility I have had to deal with a lot of guilt.

I still have a tremendous amount of guilt over Jakson's pregnancy.
I never really enjoyed it for what it was, I didn't fully take in all the different parts of it...both the good and the bad.
During his pregnancy I had a lot going on in my life, moving house, studying, a very difficult pregnancy (morning sickness everyday from 4 weeks right through to the delivery room, multiple scares and bleeding throughout....) and family conflict and all of these things took their toll on me and in a way I guess it took away from me being pregnant.
I hate that I didn't keep a journal to have a record of all the things that went on, all the feelings I was experiencing, how big my belly was growing, etc...
His birth was hard, really hard and I don't know much of what happened.
There are still a massive amount issues surrounding his birth, and I don't know if I will ever come to terms with some of them.

I don't have many photos of me pregnant, not many at all :(
I don't have any at all of me breastfeeding, I wish I had even just one.

I really wish I had done a journal, taken more photos and really enjoyed the pregnancy but I wasn't to know that it may have been my one and only pregnancy.

If it is my only pregnancy I will forever be angry at myself that I didn't cherish it



I have so much guilt that I waited so long to seek help with our infertility.
Once you have reached the 12 month mark, you can get a referral to a fertility specialist.
At the 12mth mark of our journey I wasn't mentally or emotionally ready to take that step. I wasn't ready to admit that we needed help, I wasn't ready to accept help.
It wasn't until well after the 2yr mark that I took that step and we got the referral.

There is a lot of guilt I have about this. I know that I needed to wait until I was ready but I still can't help thinking what would have been if we had started earlier. Would we have a baby in our arms by now, or at least be pregnant? probably.

Everything is always easier in retrospect, if only we could turn back the clock