Infertility

So how do I explain infertility? To be honest, I don't think I can. What I can do is try to explain the impact it has had on me.

Going through secondary infertility is like being told I am a failure in the worst way possible.
The one thing I was put on this earth to do, and I can't do it :( I don't think you can be a bigger failure than that.

I have failed my husband, my son and myself.

I have let infertility take over my life, I think about it nearly every minute of the day. There is no escape from it, everywhere I look there is a reminder that I still not pregnant or even close to being pregnant.

I am love being a mum, Jakson is my world and yet I don't feel that I am complete. I know that as a mother there is still a void that needs filling and it's a void only another baby can fill.

It's easy for people to say relax and stop thinking about it, but in all honestly being pregnant consumes every part of me, it is in nearly every thought I have....it's not by choice, I wish I could stop thinking about it, if only for a minute. I think about it at work, home, shopping, in my dreams, and even when I try to escape through watching TV.....I can never escape thinking about it.


I often worry that infertility has become apart of my identity, that is has consumed me so much that it is who I am now. I don't know how to change that, I don't know how to not let it get to me so much.
I hate that it is happening to us, and by us I mean Johnny, Jakson and me.
Jakson is very much affected by this too. He constantly asks when am I going to have a baby, draws pictures of me with a baby in my tummy, he even asked Santa if I could have a baby for Christmas.
When I first started on some of the fertility drugs I was very very sick from them, I was pretty much bed ridden for weeks. Jakson came to me and asked me if I was dieing! I will never ever forget that moment, I was laying in bed and throwing up and he stood at the door and kinda looked scared to come near me and said to me 'Mummy, are you dieing?" the moment will forever be burned into my memory. It was than that I had to explain to my innocent 4yr old son that I was in fact sick because I was trying to get a baby in my tummy.
That is a conversation that no parent should ever have to have with their child, let alone with a 4yr old.

Infertility has completely changed me as a person, I am a lot more bitter, angry and sad than I used to be.
I have always been a 'glass half full' kinda girl but after three years of trying to have a baby I can tell you that glass is look a lot more empty than full...