Our Beautiful Boy....

As hard as this whole infertility journey has been on us, it's been just as hard on Jakson. He is very much going through this all with us.

We tried for as long as possible to not tell him what was happening but once I started on the fertility drugs and started getting the really horrible side effects we had no choice but to tell him.

I have mentioned this before but when I first started on the drugs I was bedridden for at least 3 weeks, I only got up if I absolutely had to otherwise I was in bed the whole time.
After seeing me in bed for so long and constantly throwing up, Jakson came into the bedroom and stood at the door and with the most confused, sad and heartbreaking face he asked me 'mummy are you dieing?'
I cannot even begin to imagine what my 4 year old son was thinking to ask me that :(
It was at that point that I had to tell him what was happening.
I sat him down on the bed with me and told him that I have been really sick because I am taking some yucky medicine that is going to help me get a baby in my tummy.

I would feel confident in saying that at least every second day since that conversation, Jakson has asked me if I have a baby in my tummy yet and will it be his brother or sister (or both!).
He has drawn pictures of me with a baby in my tummy, asked how and when it is going to happen, and every time he finds out someone else is pregnant he wants to know why I am not :(

About a week or so ago we went to a fairy park and while we were there we found a wishing well. I gave Jakson and his cousin Maddalyn (also 4yrs old) a coin each and told them to make a wish and throw the money in. They both wished that I would have a baby in my tummy....so beautiful from such gorgeous and innocent children.
On Sunday morning, two days after this trip to the fairy park Jakson came and climbed onto my lap. He turned to me and said 'mummy you have a baby in your tummy now' now I am used to him asking when I am going to get a baby in my tummy, but not to him telling me I have one in my tummy.
So I said back to him that I don't have one in my tummy yet but I really hope I will soon. With the most beautiful yet bewildered look he said to me 'but mummy, I made a wish for it to be in your tummy'
At that very moment, right than and there my heart both broke from sadness and melted from the love of my gorgeous boy.
So once again I was left to try to explain why I still didn't have a baby in my tummy, something that even I don't know the answer to.

Only last week we had to go to our appointment with our fertility specialist, as we didn't have a babysitter for Jakson, he had to come with us.
As we knew the chance of Jakson overhearing the word baby or something like that, we wanted to tell him why we were going to the doctor and what this doctor does.
We explained that this is the doctor who is helping us to get a baby in my tummy.
He asked lots of follow up questions like how, when, can he see the baby....all the 4yr old logical questions, lol

Everything was going fine, we had a portable DVD player there for Jakson to keep him distracted and he was sitting quietly listening to it :)
As we were leaving the doctors room and walking through the waiting area back to reception, Jakson said (and not very quietly I might add) 'mummy, you still don't have a baby in your tummy' 'when are you going to get one'
Now normally I can hold it together pretty well but after just getting some not great news about our test results and facing the reality that IVF is a path we will have to go down, I was not in a great mood. My eyes started to water, I got that big lump in my throat and felt like I was going to just crumble.
I felt horrible, but I had to tell Jakson to stop talking, not stop asking question but to stop talking full stop. I said to him that he can talk when we leave :(

Well he must have picked up on both Johnny and I not feeling great because he turned into super cute Jakson and had all 5 receptionist laughing and awwwing (I know that's not a word, but you know what I mean, lol) over him.
Thank goodness he started being cute because it helped me hold it together for those extra few minutes until we got out of there and I could let the tears flow.


Those are just some of the stories of how all of this has affect Jakson. Our beautiful boy is only be 4 years old but he too has gone through the infertility struggle with us, and that's just not fair at all!