I had a scan today to see how many follicles I have and if I am ready for the next stage. Unfortunately I only had 2 "okay-ish" looking follicles (they want me to have about 8 good looking ones) so now I will continue on the injections for a few days and have another scan on Wednesday to see if things are better.
If things are not better than than they will either up my dose of the injection to encourage a better reaction or cancel the cycle if things are still not looking good and hope next cycle is better on a higher dose.
This is where the mental games really comes into play, I have to really try and not over think or over analyse things. I have to remind myself that it can take some time to work out the right dose but that doesn't mean it won't work, I have to remind myself that what works for one person might not work for me and most importantly I have to remind myself that it's not over yet...it's just a bump in the road.
It's tough to make yourself believe all of those things and to not just want to give up or start to mentally prepare yourself for the cycle to fail
Monday, June 28, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
A happy medium
I really need to try and find a happy medium, if that's possible.
I keep going from being extremely optimistic and having my hopes right up there to crashing down and having such fear that this is all going to fail or something is going to go wrong
I wish I knew how to get to that place where I am prepared in case it doesn't work out but also so hopeful and optimistic that it will work.....
I went in to this with the highest hopes possible, so sure it was all going to work but now, well now I'm not so sure. Maybe it's because it's so close now, I have a scan on Monday to see if we're ready to go to the next stage or if I need some more injection or if we need to cancel this cycle (if my body has under or over stimulated).
We also have had to two very close friends go through the tragedy of miscarriage, and both happened in very similar circumstances :(
It has been truly heartbreaking to see them go through this and really makes me think that even if IVF is successful it doesn't mean will we get a baby
I'm hoping that these less than positive thoughts will go away, hopefully they are just a fleeting thought and I can go back to thinking of getting that positive pregnancy test, thinking about how we are going to tell people, thinking about how we are going to explain to Jakson why the baby is in my tummy for so long rather than having to explain why it is taking so long to get the baby in my tummy :)
I keep going from being extremely optimistic and having my hopes right up there to crashing down and having such fear that this is all going to fail or something is going to go wrong
I wish I knew how to get to that place where I am prepared in case it doesn't work out but also so hopeful and optimistic that it will work.....
I went in to this with the highest hopes possible, so sure it was all going to work but now, well now I'm not so sure. Maybe it's because it's so close now, I have a scan on Monday to see if we're ready to go to the next stage or if I need some more injection or if we need to cancel this cycle (if my body has under or over stimulated).
We also have had to two very close friends go through the tragedy of miscarriage, and both happened in very similar circumstances :(
It has been truly heartbreaking to see them go through this and really makes me think that even if IVF is successful it doesn't mean will we get a baby
I'm hoping that these less than positive thoughts will go away, hopefully they are just a fleeting thought and I can go back to thinking of getting that positive pregnancy test, thinking about how we are going to tell people, thinking about how we are going to explain to Jakson why the baby is in my tummy for so long rather than having to explain why it is taking so long to get the baby in my tummy :)
Thursday, June 24, 2010
A little update
I am have two injection so far and both have been very painful :(
Although it is the same drug I am using as I did last cycle, this time is it much more painful.
This is probably because it is triple the does and also because I found out you are supposed to keep it in the fridge (I didn't do that last cycle, but it would have been ok because it's winter so it would have always been under 25 degrees) so perhaps having it cold makes it sting more?? Whatever the reason, they are not fun :(
A little bit of TMI (too much information) for you all now, but hey...I've already shared a lot with you, LOL
This period has been the worst I have ever had in my life :(
I am extremely exhausted and drained. I am dizzy, giddy and often feel very light headed to the point I have to hold on to something so I don't fall...I can't believe some people have to deal with this every cycle, I don't think I would be able to.
I'm hoping as my period finished and I move on to the next lot of injections I will be feeling better and have some energy back, I would hate to feel like this for the entire cycle
Although it is the same drug I am using as I did last cycle, this time is it much more painful.
This is probably because it is triple the does and also because I found out you are supposed to keep it in the fridge (I didn't do that last cycle, but it would have been ok because it's winter so it would have always been under 25 degrees) so perhaps having it cold makes it sting more?? Whatever the reason, they are not fun :(
A little bit of TMI (too much information) for you all now, but hey...I've already shared a lot with you, LOL
This period has been the worst I have ever had in my life :(
I am extremely exhausted and drained. I am dizzy, giddy and often feel very light headed to the point I have to hold on to something so I don't fall...I can't believe some people have to deal with this every cycle, I don't think I would be able to.
I'm hoping as my period finished and I move on to the next lot of injections I will be feeling better and have some energy back, I would hate to feel like this for the entire cycle
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
A smile
Johnny and I were laying bed yesterday talking about what we are about to go through and I said to him 'what are you going to do when I tell you I'm pregnant?'
The smile that then appeared on his face was beautiful, it was one of those smiles where you could tell he was trying not to smile (he is trying to not get his hopes up to much) but he couldn't hold back, the joy that he showed me at just the thought of me being pregnant......that is why I am doing this, because I know when I really do get to tell him I'm pregnant that smile will be a million times bigger and better than that beautiful one I saw yesterday :)
The smile that then appeared on his face was beautiful, it was one of those smiles where you could tell he was trying not to smile (he is trying to not get his hopes up to much) but he couldn't hold back, the joy that he showed me at just the thought of me being pregnant......that is why I am doing this, because I know when I really do get to tell him I'm pregnant that smile will be a million times bigger and better than that beautiful one I saw yesterday :)
Our IVF cycle explained
IVF can be confusing even for the people going through it so I am going to try my best to explain it to you all.
There are many different IVF cycles that you can do, different cycles use different methods and drugs.
The IVF cycle that we are doing is called an 'Antagonist ICSI Cycle'
The first day of my period is cycle day 1 (CD1)
FHS Injections:
From CD3 up til (and including) CD7 I will be injecting Puregon which contains FHS.
FHS is a synthetic hormone which stimulates development of ovarian follicles (the sac of fluid that contains the egg) the eggs are than collected from these follicles later on.
Stimulation Scan:
On CD8 I will have an internal scan to measure the endometrial thickness, size and number of follicles on each ovary.
The largest follicle will be identified and once that one reaches 12-14mm in size the doctor will order antagonist injections to begin.
If I have had a poor or over stimulated response to the FHS injections than the cycle may be cancelled.
Antagonist and Trigger Injections:
What is an antagonist injection?
Up until my scan I would not have had any drugs to stop me ovulating (releasing the egg naturally).
The antagonist injection works to prevent ovulation by suppressing my own natural production of Lustenising Hormone.
Once my follicles have reached 14mm than ovulation could occur naturally and therefore the antagonist injection is required to stop it.
I may have to take antagonist injections for one to four days up until the day of my trigger injection.
The role of the trigger injection is to trigger the final maturation of the eggs ready for my ovum pick up (OPU).
This injection is a one off injection and is usually given 37 hours before OPU is scheduled.
Ovum Pick Up (OPU):
One the day of OPU Johnny will have to give a fresh sperm sample and I will go in for the OPU procedure.
It is generally done in the morning and that actual procedure takes about 20 minutes depending on how many follicles there are.
I will be put under general anaesthetic.
The needle is passed through the vaginal wall into the ovary and one follicle is aspirated (sucked up, lol) into a test tube at a time.
The test tube containing the follicular fluid is then immediately passed to the adjacent Melbourne IVF laboratory and checked to ascertain whether it contains an egg.
This process continues until all the follicles seen on the ultrasound as aspirated, the same procedure is than carried out on the other ovary.
We are doing an ICSI cycle (IntraCytoplasmic Sperm Injection) , which means they will pick the best possible sperm they can and insert them directly into each egg (non ICSI cycles they just put them both in the dish and let the sperm do their thing of penetrating the egg). When the egg has been fertilised by the sperm it than becomes an embryo.
Two days after the they have created the embryos we will have an embryo transfer
Embryo Transfer (ET):
We will than go back to the same hospital where the OPU took place and have 1 embryo put back in.
The ET will take about 15 minutes and there is no preparation required.
Some women describe the ET as having the same amount of discomfort as a pap smear.
Following the ET I will than have 14 days of Luteal Phase Support
If we have been able to get more than one embryo the rest will be frozen (they can be frozen for years) in case we want/need to use them down the track.
Luteal Phase Support:
The Luteal Phase Support I will be using is called Crinone.
Crinone contains a natural progesterone (a hormone that is produced by the ovaries during the second half of the menstrual cycle).
Progesterone is needed to prepare the uterus for pregnancy and to help maintain the pregnancy until the placenta is developed - a process known as Luteal Phase Support.
Women who do not produce enough progesterone may have difficulties in becoming pregnant and may have a higher risk of miscarriage.
Pregnancy Test:
14 days after the embryo transfer I will have a pregnancy test to see if the IVF cycle has been successful or not.
Please keep your fingers crossed that we get a positive test :)
So that's it! It's amazing the technology we have available to us, we are very luck that we can access this type of medical assistance
There are many different IVF cycles that you can do, different cycles use different methods and drugs.
The IVF cycle that we are doing is called an 'Antagonist ICSI Cycle'
The first day of my period is cycle day 1 (CD1)
FHS Injections:
From CD3 up til (and including) CD7 I will be injecting Puregon which contains FHS.
FHS is a synthetic hormone which stimulates development of ovarian follicles (the sac of fluid that contains the egg) the eggs are than collected from these follicles later on.
Stimulation Scan:
On CD8 I will have an internal scan to measure the endometrial thickness, size and number of follicles on each ovary.
The largest follicle will be identified and once that one reaches 12-14mm in size the doctor will order antagonist injections to begin.
If I have had a poor or over stimulated response to the FHS injections than the cycle may be cancelled.
Antagonist and Trigger Injections:
What is an antagonist injection?
Up until my scan I would not have had any drugs to stop me ovulating (releasing the egg naturally).
The antagonist injection works to prevent ovulation by suppressing my own natural production of Lustenising Hormone.
Once my follicles have reached 14mm than ovulation could occur naturally and therefore the antagonist injection is required to stop it.
I may have to take antagonist injections for one to four days up until the day of my trigger injection.
The role of the trigger injection is to trigger the final maturation of the eggs ready for my ovum pick up (OPU).
This injection is a one off injection and is usually given 37 hours before OPU is scheduled.
Ovum Pick Up (OPU):
One the day of OPU Johnny will have to give a fresh sperm sample and I will go in for the OPU procedure.
It is generally done in the morning and that actual procedure takes about 20 minutes depending on how many follicles there are.
I will be put under general anaesthetic.
The needle is passed through the vaginal wall into the ovary and one follicle is aspirated (sucked up, lol) into a test tube at a time.
The test tube containing the follicular fluid is then immediately passed to the adjacent Melbourne IVF laboratory and checked to ascertain whether it contains an egg.
This process continues until all the follicles seen on the ultrasound as aspirated, the same procedure is than carried out on the other ovary.
We are doing an ICSI cycle (IntraCytoplasmic Sperm Injection) , which means they will pick the best possible sperm they can and insert them directly into each egg (non ICSI cycles they just put them both in the dish and let the sperm do their thing of penetrating the egg). When the egg has been fertilised by the sperm it than becomes an embryo.
Two days after the they have created the embryos we will have an embryo transfer
Embryo Transfer (ET):
We will than go back to the same hospital where the OPU took place and have 1 embryo put back in.
The ET will take about 15 minutes and there is no preparation required.
Some women describe the ET as having the same amount of discomfort as a pap smear.
Following the ET I will than have 14 days of Luteal Phase Support
If we have been able to get more than one embryo the rest will be frozen (they can be frozen for years) in case we want/need to use them down the track.
Luteal Phase Support:
The Luteal Phase Support I will be using is called Crinone.
Crinone contains a natural progesterone (a hormone that is produced by the ovaries during the second half of the menstrual cycle).
Progesterone is needed to prepare the uterus for pregnancy and to help maintain the pregnancy until the placenta is developed - a process known as Luteal Phase Support.
Women who do not produce enough progesterone may have difficulties in becoming pregnant and may have a higher risk of miscarriage.
Pregnancy Test:
14 days after the embryo transfer I will have a pregnancy test to see if the IVF cycle has been successful or not.
Please keep your fingers crossed that we get a positive test :)
So that's it! It's amazing the technology we have available to us, we are very luck that we can access this type of medical assistance
Monday, June 21, 2010
It's all happening now
Well my period decided to come earlier than usual this month, it was due around Wednesday/Thursday but came today instead!
So freaking out a bit this morning that we were going to miss our chance this month because I wasn't due to see the nurse & accounts department until Friday - meaning I would be too late to start the treatment this month.
However after a quick phone call to our IVF clinic I was able to change the appointments to see the nurse tomorrow and accounts department today :)
We also had our counselling session today and to be honest neither of us were looking forward to it.
I will be honest and say that we didn't come away from it any more knowledgeable or prepared and if it were optional instead of mandatory we would not have done it.
Everything that was explained to us were things we already knew.
Before deciding the IVF was the path for us we made sure we were well informed and knew what was involved.
We did however sign the legal forms of what to do with any left over eggs or sperm that we do not use, we have chosen to donate them for medical research.
We also had to make the decision on what we want the other to do with any left over Embryos' should one of us pass away, we both chose to allow the other to use them.
Overall for us I wouldn't say this session was helpful, that's probably because there was no new information for us but it is good to know that we can access the counselors at any time should we feel we need some extra support.
After the counselling session we had our appointment with the accounts department, where we went through the fees and payment options.
We have now payed for the full IVF cycle, that was a bit of a relief to get that out of the way.
Tomorrow I have the appointment with the nurse where she will talk me through everything I have to do, starting with injections on Wednesday and a scan next week.
There is going to be a lot of information to take in but I think I'm ready for it, I guess too bad if I'm not ready because this is happening....and happening NOW! :)
So freaking out a bit this morning that we were going to miss our chance this month because I wasn't due to see the nurse & accounts department until Friday - meaning I would be too late to start the treatment this month.
However after a quick phone call to our IVF clinic I was able to change the appointments to see the nurse tomorrow and accounts department today :)
We also had our counselling session today and to be honest neither of us were looking forward to it.
I will be honest and say that we didn't come away from it any more knowledgeable or prepared and if it were optional instead of mandatory we would not have done it.
Everything that was explained to us were things we already knew.
Before deciding the IVF was the path for us we made sure we were well informed and knew what was involved.
We did however sign the legal forms of what to do with any left over eggs or sperm that we do not use, we have chosen to donate them for medical research.
We also had to make the decision on what we want the other to do with any left over Embryos' should one of us pass away, we both chose to allow the other to use them.
Overall for us I wouldn't say this session was helpful, that's probably because there was no new information for us but it is good to know that we can access the counselors at any time should we feel we need some extra support.
After the counselling session we had our appointment with the accounts department, where we went through the fees and payment options.
We have now payed for the full IVF cycle, that was a bit of a relief to get that out of the way.
Tomorrow I have the appointment with the nurse where she will talk me through everything I have to do, starting with injections on Wednesday and a scan next week.
There is going to be a lot of information to take in but I think I'm ready for it, I guess too bad if I'm not ready because this is happening....and happening NOW! :)
Sunday, June 20, 2010
When to tell?
****** I want to start off by saying that this post talks about a very sensitive topic, miscarriage ******
We could be starting IVF as early as this week!
The closer it gets the more questions it has brought up between Johnny and myself and one of the biggest ones is if we do have a successful cycle, when do we tell people?
I know it is very common to with until the 12 week mark to make the announcement and that was our intention when we had Jakson however sever morning sickness (or all day sickness) meant the excuse of 'I have the flu' or 'just not feeling well' didn't cut it and we had to tell everyone our good news.
One of the reasons I wanted to wait until the 12 weeks mark with Jakson was because miscarriage is very common in my family. It's something you never want to think about but something that had fear run through me right throughout the pregnancy.
At about the 11 week mark of my pregnancy I thought my fears had come true when on Christmas Eve 2004 I was at my mother in laws house and suddenly felt very wet.
I went to the toilet and have never seen so much blood, my underwear and pants were soaked in blood.
We went straight to emergency and being Christmas Eve, there wasn't much they could do for us.
They had a very old ultrasound machine, so old that they had to keep tapping the screen to stop it cutting out!
We were very lucky that we got to see our baby and know he was ok.
But for every day for the rest of my pregnancy I bleed, some days it was only small and others bigger but each and every day there was blood.
I was never given a reason, they eventually told us that it was probably coming from behind the placenta but nothing to worry about as the baby always seemed fine.
That moment on Christmas Eve will stay with me forever, that feeling of complete and utter fear, that feeling of the not knowing if everything was ok or not...that feeling will never leave me.
I feel truly blessed that we got to go on and have a healthy baby at full term, many others are not so lucky and my heart goes out to them.
I will admit that I was very uninformed about miscarriage, I thought if you got past those first few weeks you were pretty much safe, get past 12 weeks and it should all be easy sailing but I was very wrong.
Over the past two and a half years my eyes have been opened very wide to the fact that there is no safe time in pregnancy, tragedy can strike at any time :(
So this brings me back to the question that we have been asking ourselves, when do we tell people?
Do we wait for the traditional safe 12 week announcement or do we share our joy with those that have given us unconditional support and love during our struggles?
If we tell people than of course, we need to tell Jakson.
But what if the unimaginable happens and we than have to tell Jakson that his baby brother or sister is no longer with us?
I have seen many beautiful couples that have had to make that announcement where they tell people their baby is no longer with them and for each and every announcement like that that I have heard, my heart has broken :( I have shed many tears for these people and wished I could take their pain away.
So what does it come down to for us?
I think it is that there really is no safe time to wait, and that if we do have to break that heartbreaking news to Jakson and family/friends than just to hope it will just be another challenge we have to face and hope it makes us stronger.
We have had so much support from people, I just don't know if I could hold out when we do get that amazing news that we are pregnant.
In a way I feel that I owe it to everyone who has read this blog, taken time to send us messages or gifts, wished us good luck or given advice and just for all of those who have been apart of this journey we are on.
Whatever we decide, you can be assured that when we do announce we are pregnant it will be a big announcement ;)
We could be starting IVF as early as this week!
The closer it gets the more questions it has brought up between Johnny and myself and one of the biggest ones is if we do have a successful cycle, when do we tell people?
I know it is very common to with until the 12 week mark to make the announcement and that was our intention when we had Jakson however sever morning sickness (or all day sickness) meant the excuse of 'I have the flu' or 'just not feeling well' didn't cut it and we had to tell everyone our good news.
One of the reasons I wanted to wait until the 12 weeks mark with Jakson was because miscarriage is very common in my family. It's something you never want to think about but something that had fear run through me right throughout the pregnancy.
At about the 11 week mark of my pregnancy I thought my fears had come true when on Christmas Eve 2004 I was at my mother in laws house and suddenly felt very wet.
I went to the toilet and have never seen so much blood, my underwear and pants were soaked in blood.
We went straight to emergency and being Christmas Eve, there wasn't much they could do for us.
They had a very old ultrasound machine, so old that they had to keep tapping the screen to stop it cutting out!
We were very lucky that we got to see our baby and know he was ok.
But for every day for the rest of my pregnancy I bleed, some days it was only small and others bigger but each and every day there was blood.
I was never given a reason, they eventually told us that it was probably coming from behind the placenta but nothing to worry about as the baby always seemed fine.
That moment on Christmas Eve will stay with me forever, that feeling of complete and utter fear, that feeling of the not knowing if everything was ok or not...that feeling will never leave me.
I feel truly blessed that we got to go on and have a healthy baby at full term, many others are not so lucky and my heart goes out to them.
I will admit that I was very uninformed about miscarriage, I thought if you got past those first few weeks you were pretty much safe, get past 12 weeks and it should all be easy sailing but I was very wrong.
Over the past two and a half years my eyes have been opened very wide to the fact that there is no safe time in pregnancy, tragedy can strike at any time :(
So this brings me back to the question that we have been asking ourselves, when do we tell people?
Do we wait for the traditional safe 12 week announcement or do we share our joy with those that have given us unconditional support and love during our struggles?
If we tell people than of course, we need to tell Jakson.
But what if the unimaginable happens and we than have to tell Jakson that his baby brother or sister is no longer with us?
I have seen many beautiful couples that have had to make that announcement where they tell people their baby is no longer with them and for each and every announcement like that that I have heard, my heart has broken :( I have shed many tears for these people and wished I could take their pain away.
So what does it come down to for us?
I think it is that there really is no safe time to wait, and that if we do have to break that heartbreaking news to Jakson and family/friends than just to hope it will just be another challenge we have to face and hope it makes us stronger.
We have had so much support from people, I just don't know if I could hold out when we do get that amazing news that we are pregnant.
In a way I feel that I owe it to everyone who has read this blog, taken time to send us messages or gifts, wished us good luck or given advice and just for all of those who have been apart of this journey we are on.
Whatever we decide, you can be assured that when we do announce we are pregnant it will be a big announcement ;)
Friday, June 18, 2010
Optimistic vs Pessimistic
I think it's pretty fair to say that in our relationship I am the more optimistic one and Johnny is the more pessimistic one
I have always been a half glass full kinda girl, always try to look for the positive and see the good in people.
But infertility has tested all of that, it's made me look at myself and what I truly do believe.
I've always believed that if we did get to the stage of needing IVF than it would work, no doubt about it. I have been pregnant before and carried to full term, I have never had a miscarriage (that I know of) and the only problem we have had is the conception part.
However after watching so many beautiful ladies go through many IVF attempts and each attempt being unsuccessful it has really made me wonder if it will work for us.
Most people don't ever find out why it doesn't work for them, it's just one of those things that there is no reason...it just is the way it is.
Will we be one of there couples who have to go through many attempts, I'm not sure if I'm ready for that.
Having an unsuccessful IVF attempt would be one of the hardest things imaginable....
The closer we get to starting IVF the less optimistic I am becoming, I guess it's easy to say you're an optimist and always look for the good if you've never been tested, if you've never had the core of your belief pushed to the limits, if you've never had to examine the person you deep down.
I have always been a half glass full kinda girl, always try to look for the positive and see the good in people.
But infertility has tested all of that, it's made me look at myself and what I truly do believe.
I've always believed that if we did get to the stage of needing IVF than it would work, no doubt about it. I have been pregnant before and carried to full term, I have never had a miscarriage (that I know of) and the only problem we have had is the conception part.
However after watching so many beautiful ladies go through many IVF attempts and each attempt being unsuccessful it has really made me wonder if it will work for us.
Most people don't ever find out why it doesn't work for them, it's just one of those things that there is no reason...it just is the way it is.
Will we be one of there couples who have to go through many attempts, I'm not sure if I'm ready for that.
Having an unsuccessful IVF attempt would be one of the hardest things imaginable....
The closer we get to starting IVF the less optimistic I am becoming, I guess it's easy to say you're an optimist and always look for the good if you've never been tested, if you've never had the core of your belief pushed to the limits, if you've never had to examine the person you deep down.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Blogging
Why do I blog? What do I get from it?
I started blogging because I was in a very dark place, a place where I didn't know how to handle all the thoughts and feelings anymore.
I needed a place where I could get it all out instead of laying in bed to the early hours of the morning just thinking about things over and over...I needed to get it out of my head.
So as a last resort I started blogging. I have never been one to keep a diary or journal, never did any of the growing up...I wish I'd know how therapeutic it can be.
I haven't made this blog to justify or validate my feelings, my thoughts and feelings are what they are and blog or no blog they are here.
This blog has given me the opportunity to release them in the hope that I will be able to understand them.
This blog isn't for anyone but me, there are no passive aggressive, hidden or cryptic messages...it is my place, my place to work through everything.
Deciding to share my blog with family and friends was a somewhat hard decision.
I wanted to know that I could be as open and honest as possible, would I be able to do that with my nearest and dearest reading it?
I eventually decided that if I were to be open and honest it had to be with everyone, and therefore I started to share the link for this blog with everyone.
Although I haven't done this blog for anyone but myself, but I have been very humbled by messages from people telling me that by sharing our story it is helping them know what they think and feel is ok.
I started blogging because I was in a very dark place, a place where I didn't know how to handle all the thoughts and feelings anymore.
I needed a place where I could get it all out instead of laying in bed to the early hours of the morning just thinking about things over and over...I needed to get it out of my head.
So as a last resort I started blogging. I have never been one to keep a diary or journal, never did any of the growing up...I wish I'd know how therapeutic it can be.
I haven't made this blog to justify or validate my feelings, my thoughts and feelings are what they are and blog or no blog they are here.
This blog has given me the opportunity to release them in the hope that I will be able to understand them.
This blog isn't for anyone but me, there are no passive aggressive, hidden or cryptic messages...it is my place, my place to work through everything.
Deciding to share my blog with family and friends was a somewhat hard decision.
I wanted to know that I could be as open and honest as possible, would I be able to do that with my nearest and dearest reading it?
I eventually decided that if I were to be open and honest it had to be with everyone, and therefore I started to share the link for this blog with everyone.
Although I haven't done this blog for anyone but myself, but I have been very humbled by messages from people telling me that by sharing our story it is helping them know what they think and feel is ok.
Drugs!
Well after having a few weeks off the evil drug, I have started them again :(
What is the evil drug I speak of you ask? well it's called Metformin and it is horrible!
When I first started them last year I was bedridden for the first 3 weeks!
It was truly horrible :( this was the time when Jakson came into the bedroom and asked me 'mummy, are you dying' even to a 4yr old it was obvious how bad the side effects were
After that I spoke to the doctor and got put on the slow release version, which has been a bit better but I still get most of the side effects.
The drug is to help with my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) that I have.
Because of PCOS my body does not break down insulin the way most people do, this can be called "insulin resistant" a condition where excessive amounts of insulin are required in order to get blood glucose moved into cells, where it belongs. Metformin helps the body to transport glucose with relatively less insulin, thus lowering insulin levels. Chronically high levels of either glucose or insulin in your blood contributes to obesity, heart disease, infertility, and certain cancers, as well as the development of diabetes.
Most women who use Metformin to help treat PCOS discontinue it because of the side effect, some of which can be:
- diarrhea, gas and bloating, abdominal discomfort, nausea, and vomiting
- Inhibiting of Vitamin B12 absorption - potentially lead to anemia
I, unfortunately have had all of these side effects....and on a daily basis :(
It's hard, really hard. I am reluctant to go to some social situations because of these side effects, or I am just not up to going because I'm so drained from throwing up or being of the toilet for the other reason, lol
This drug has really taken it's toll on me, both physically and emotionally.
I'm exhausted and so moody....I really don't know how Johnny and Jakson have put up with me :(
I know I have to take them (and will have to until at least 3 months into my pregnancy..when that happens) but I really needed a break for them so for a few weeks I stopped taking them.
Now that I'm back on them, I'm really hoping my body readjusts to them quickly.
What is the evil drug I speak of you ask? well it's called Metformin and it is horrible!
When I first started them last year I was bedridden for the first 3 weeks!
It was truly horrible :( this was the time when Jakson came into the bedroom and asked me 'mummy, are you dying' even to a 4yr old it was obvious how bad the side effects were
After that I spoke to the doctor and got put on the slow release version, which has been a bit better but I still get most of the side effects.
The drug is to help with my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) that I have.
Because of PCOS my body does not break down insulin the way most people do, this can be called "insulin resistant" a condition where excessive amounts of insulin are required in order to get blood glucose moved into cells, where it belongs. Metformin helps the body to transport glucose with relatively less insulin, thus lowering insulin levels. Chronically high levels of either glucose or insulin in your blood contributes to obesity, heart disease, infertility, and certain cancers, as well as the development of diabetes.
Most women who use Metformin to help treat PCOS discontinue it because of the side effect, some of which can be:
- diarrhea, gas and bloating, abdominal discomfort, nausea, and vomiting
- Inhibiting of Vitamin B12 absorption - potentially lead to anemia
I, unfortunately have had all of these side effects....and on a daily basis :(
It's hard, really hard. I am reluctant to go to some social situations because of these side effects, or I am just not up to going because I'm so drained from throwing up or being of the toilet for the other reason, lol
This drug has really taken it's toll on me, both physically and emotionally.
I'm exhausted and so moody....I really don't know how Johnny and Jakson have put up with me :(
I know I have to take them (and will have to until at least 3 months into my pregnancy..when that happens) but I really needed a break for them so for a few weeks I stopped taking them.
Now that I'm back on them, I'm really hoping my body readjusts to them quickly.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Time
I'm on a bit of a blogging roll today, LOL
I think I've just got so much going on in my head, I just need to get it out :)
Time! how can it be that I always feel so busy and yet nothing seems to get done?!
Appointments, work, being a parent and partner, housework.....it never seems to end
Along with trying to fit all of our fertility specialist appointments in, there are also tests and treatments to try and get to while working around Johnny's shifts at work and Jakson's kinder days (he is only in 3 days a week), we always seem to only be able to book appointments on days that he is home and taking him with us is not an easy task at all! all I can say is thank goodness for portable DVD players and sultanas, lol
On top of all that I have to try and fit in weekly physio and doctors appointments for my knee injury....and now I have to go see an orthopedic surgeon for it, so I'm sure there will be more tests and treatment to come for that too!
Work is about to get hectic for me for the next 3 weeks, not the best timing when we are trying to start IVF.
AND we're trying to get things organised for Jakson's birthday on July 1st!
He is having three parties!!! One at kinder, one at a restaurant (well just dinner not a party) on the night of his birthday with family and one on the Sunday after his birthday for all his friends :)
I had a friend message me the other day to see when we can catch up, and I had to tell her honestly that I just don't have the time at the moment :(
It's hard enough trying to find time for Johnny, Jakson and myself to have some family time, let alone trying to fit in things to do with friends.
Trying to organise a catch up with some other friends is like trying to find a needle in a haystack.....working out when we are all free at the same time is an absolute nightmare!
I'm sure when I was younger I said I can't wait to grow up......if only I knew how stressful it is to be a grown up!
I think I've just got so much going on in my head, I just need to get it out :)
Time! how can it be that I always feel so busy and yet nothing seems to get done?!
Appointments, work, being a parent and partner, housework.....it never seems to end
Along with trying to fit all of our fertility specialist appointments in, there are also tests and treatments to try and get to while working around Johnny's shifts at work and Jakson's kinder days (he is only in 3 days a week), we always seem to only be able to book appointments on days that he is home and taking him with us is not an easy task at all! all I can say is thank goodness for portable DVD players and sultanas, lol
On top of all that I have to try and fit in weekly physio and doctors appointments for my knee injury....and now I have to go see an orthopedic surgeon for it, so I'm sure there will be more tests and treatment to come for that too!
Work is about to get hectic for me for the next 3 weeks, not the best timing when we are trying to start IVF.
AND we're trying to get things organised for Jakson's birthday on July 1st!
He is having three parties!!! One at kinder, one at a restaurant (well just dinner not a party) on the night of his birthday with family and one on the Sunday after his birthday for all his friends :)
I had a friend message me the other day to see when we can catch up, and I had to tell her honestly that I just don't have the time at the moment :(
It's hard enough trying to find time for Johnny, Jakson and myself to have some family time, let alone trying to fit in things to do with friends.
Trying to organise a catch up with some other friends is like trying to find a needle in a haystack.....working out when we are all free at the same time is an absolute nightmare!
I'm sure when I was younger I said I can't wait to grow up......if only I knew how stressful it is to be a grown up!
Coping
Going on from my last post about the coping mechanism I used, I wonder what other things I have done (both consciously and subconsciously) to cope through all of this.
I like to think of myself as a loving and caring person who tried to help others and support them, but am I really?
I think it's been easier for me to support strangers (and by strangers, I mean ladies I know but have never met - ladies that are on the pregnancy and parenting forum I am on and ladies that I have shared a lot with, as they have with me) than it is to with those nearest and dearest to me.
One example; my sister is very pregnant at the moment, she is due in August so doesn't have long to go at all and yet I have never rubbed or even touched her belly....I struggle to even even look at it :(
Yet I will look at pregnancy belly photos on the forum and FB and comment on how beautiful they are.
It's quite strange that I can feel more comfortable with people I have never met than with my own sister, or close friends.
So is it bitterness that has made me this way, or jealousy or maybe it's just a coping mechanism that I need to do to get through it all - for the pregnancy closest to me are going to mean more too.
It's not that I don't want to see those closest to me happy, I think it's just that I wish I had someone to talk to about all of this who isn't currently pregnant....someone I can go out with for a coffee without having to avoid seeing their belly, or talk about their pregnancy.
I wish I knew how to get over that bitterness, envy and resentment (not towards them, but towards myself) and join in the joy of their pregnancy but at the moment I have no idea how to do that :(
I really wish I was a better person than what I am
I like to think of myself as a loving and caring person who tried to help others and support them, but am I really?
I think it's been easier for me to support strangers (and by strangers, I mean ladies I know but have never met - ladies that are on the pregnancy and parenting forum I am on and ladies that I have shared a lot with, as they have with me) than it is to with those nearest and dearest to me.
One example; my sister is very pregnant at the moment, she is due in August so doesn't have long to go at all and yet I have never rubbed or even touched her belly....I struggle to even even look at it :(
Yet I will look at pregnancy belly photos on the forum and FB and comment on how beautiful they are.
It's quite strange that I can feel more comfortable with people I have never met than with my own sister, or close friends.
So is it bitterness that has made me this way, or jealousy or maybe it's just a coping mechanism that I need to do to get through it all - for the pregnancy closest to me are going to mean more too.
It's not that I don't want to see those closest to me happy, I think it's just that I wish I had someone to talk to about all of this who isn't currently pregnant....someone I can go out with for a coffee without having to avoid seeing their belly, or talk about their pregnancy.
I wish I knew how to get over that bitterness, envy and resentment (not towards them, but towards myself) and join in the joy of their pregnancy but at the moment I have no idea how to do that :(
I really wish I was a better person than what I am
15 days
It's 15 days until my little boy turns 5!
and that means it's 15 days until he think I will have a baby in my tummy.
After being asked every day by him if I had a baby in my tummy yet, I told him that I wouldn't have one until after his birthday....at that time, it seemed like we still had plenty of time to fall pregnant.
Well now it's only 15 days away, and I hate that I told him something that I won't be able to follow through with, but at the time it was a coping mechanism for me.
I went to pick him up from kinder yesterday and was told by his teacher 'I hear congratulations is in order' :(
it turns out that my 4yr old niece had told the kinder teacher that I have a baby in my tummy, Jakson kindly corrected her that I won't have one until his birthday.
When his birthday does roll around, how am I going to tell him that I still don't have that baby in my tummy, that I don't know when I will have one and that I don't know why I don't have one yet :(
I just pray that he isn't going to ask me on his actual birthday...hopefully he will be to distracted to think about it.
After his birthday I can deal with it, but not on is birthday....I just want to celebrate my baby boy growing up into my little man
and that means it's 15 days until he think I will have a baby in my tummy.
After being asked every day by him if I had a baby in my tummy yet, I told him that I wouldn't have one until after his birthday....at that time, it seemed like we still had plenty of time to fall pregnant.
Well now it's only 15 days away, and I hate that I told him something that I won't be able to follow through with, but at the time it was a coping mechanism for me.
I went to pick him up from kinder yesterday and was told by his teacher 'I hear congratulations is in order' :(
it turns out that my 4yr old niece had told the kinder teacher that I have a baby in my tummy, Jakson kindly corrected her that I won't have one until his birthday.
When his birthday does roll around, how am I going to tell him that I still don't have that baby in my tummy, that I don't know when I will have one and that I don't know why I don't have one yet :(
I just pray that he isn't going to ask me on his actual birthday...hopefully he will be to distracted to think about it.
After his birthday I can deal with it, but not on is birthday....I just want to celebrate my baby boy growing up into my little man
Some good news :)
As I mentioned in my last post, we had another appointment with our specialist.
We started talking about the IVF treatment we would be undertaking and the doctor asked me how I felt about it, I expressed how it's upsetting that it takes so long (6-7 weeks) just for one cycle :(
so the doctor decided to change my treatment to a different IVF cycle which is only 30 days!! YAY
It's called an Antagonist cycle - a very aggressive sounding name but I guess infertility requires aggressive treatment to get the results we want.
We were also able to change the appointments with the nurse, counsellor and accounts department so that we might be able to start next cycle (if my period can hold off until around the 24th - fingers crossed)
We have our counselling appointment (that be both legally have to attend) on Monday the 21st and I have the nurse and accounts appointments on the 25th
So this means we could be starting IVF as soon as next week! and EPU (egg pick up) where they collect my eggs and fertilise them could happen as soon as July 8th or 9th!!!!! and we will hand a result (good or bad) by the end of July
It's all so real now, within reach......this really is going to happen!
We started talking about the IVF treatment we would be undertaking and the doctor asked me how I felt about it, I expressed how it's upsetting that it takes so long (6-7 weeks) just for one cycle :(
so the doctor decided to change my treatment to a different IVF cycle which is only 30 days!! YAY
It's called an Antagonist cycle - a very aggressive sounding name but I guess infertility requires aggressive treatment to get the results we want.
We were also able to change the appointments with the nurse, counsellor and accounts department so that we might be able to start next cycle (if my period can hold off until around the 24th - fingers crossed)
We have our counselling appointment (that be both legally have to attend) on Monday the 21st and I have the nurse and accounts appointments on the 25th
So this means we could be starting IVF as soon as next week! and EPU (egg pick up) where they collect my eggs and fertilise them could happen as soon as July 8th or 9th!!!!! and we will hand a result (good or bad) by the end of July
It's all so real now, within reach......this really is going to happen!
Monday, June 14, 2010
Another appointment tomorrow
We have another appointment with our specialist tomorrow
This time it's an appointment for both Johnny and I to go through all the IVF stuff. I'm nervous, there is so much info we're going to have to take in and comprehend and so many emotions we're going to have to be fighting back.
We're lucky that we were able to book Jakson into kinder for an extra day (he does not normally go on Tuesdays) so we don't have to take him with us and be distracted by him, that takes a bit of the stress off us.
What I know so far is the IVF treatment (there are a few different kinds you can do) is going to take around 6-7weeks from the first day of my cycle!
My next cycle is due to start around the 22nd of this month and if we don't have all our pre-IVF appointments (nurse, counsellor, accounts...)completed we will miss out on starting it next cycle.
At the moment we have all our checks back but our appointments are scheduled for July 2nd, so I'm really hoping that we can get them brought forward to before my cycle is due to start.....if we can change the appointments than we will be starting IVF this month!!! Ekkkk!
Hopefully it all goes well tomorrow, wish us luck =)
This time it's an appointment for both Johnny and I to go through all the IVF stuff. I'm nervous, there is so much info we're going to have to take in and comprehend and so many emotions we're going to have to be fighting back.
We're lucky that we were able to book Jakson into kinder for an extra day (he does not normally go on Tuesdays) so we don't have to take him with us and be distracted by him, that takes a bit of the stress off us.
What I know so far is the IVF treatment (there are a few different kinds you can do) is going to take around 6-7weeks from the first day of my cycle!
My next cycle is due to start around the 22nd of this month and if we don't have all our pre-IVF appointments (nurse, counsellor, accounts...)completed we will miss out on starting it next cycle.
At the moment we have all our checks back but our appointments are scheduled for July 2nd, so I'm really hoping that we can get them brought forward to before my cycle is due to start.....if we can change the appointments than we will be starting IVF this month!!! Ekkkk!
Hopefully it all goes well tomorrow, wish us luck =)
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Should I grieve?
I'm not sure if grieve is the right word or not but I often think if I have really acknowledged what infertility has taken from us, all the lost opportunities, the stress....
Should I grieve for what could or should have been ours?
Over the past three years there have been so many things I've missed out on or had pass us by that have been tarnished by our struggle.
I have had to forgo two fantastic job opportunities because 'what if I fall pregnant' jobs that I would have LOVED and been good at.
We've had to miss out on holidays we were planning because it might have coincided with ovulation time or an appointment, test or treatment or the money for the holiday has had to go towards our infertility battle
Each and every mothers day, fathers day, birthday, Christmas, Easter....all have are such happy occasions but all are a reminder of the fact that I am still not pregnant
The financial and emotional pressure it has put us under is unmeasurable, the toll it takes it something that will probably never be undone
Should I grieve for that moment where you think you might be pregnant, go get the test and wait with such excitement and anticipation to see if you are pregnant or not.....that is a moment we will never have, even if we have another child and try for a third we will never believe that we will be luckily enough to have a moment like that. I am very much an optimist but being optimistic can only get you so far
While I have cried, screamed, and vented about our struggles I don't think I've ever really acknowledge what it has stolen from us and allowed myself to believe that my feelings of being 'ripped off' are valid and just.
I guess the only upside, if there is one, is that I have been able to share all of this with you and help those that are going through this but don't have the strength or want to share it, know that they are not alone and hopefully letting them know that their thoughts and feelings are valid and ok.
Should I grieve for what could or should have been ours?
Over the past three years there have been so many things I've missed out on or had pass us by that have been tarnished by our struggle.
I have had to forgo two fantastic job opportunities because 'what if I fall pregnant' jobs that I would have LOVED and been good at.
We've had to miss out on holidays we were planning because it might have coincided with ovulation time or an appointment, test or treatment or the money for the holiday has had to go towards our infertility battle
Each and every mothers day, fathers day, birthday, Christmas, Easter....all have are such happy occasions but all are a reminder of the fact that I am still not pregnant
The financial and emotional pressure it has put us under is unmeasurable, the toll it takes it something that will probably never be undone
Should I grieve for that moment where you think you might be pregnant, go get the test and wait with such excitement and anticipation to see if you are pregnant or not.....that is a moment we will never have, even if we have another child and try for a third we will never believe that we will be luckily enough to have a moment like that. I am very much an optimist but being optimistic can only get you so far
While I have cried, screamed, and vented about our struggles I don't think I've ever really acknowledge what it has stolen from us and allowed myself to believe that my feelings of being 'ripped off' are valid and just.
I guess the only upside, if there is one, is that I have been able to share all of this with you and help those that are going through this but don't have the strength or want to share it, know that they are not alone and hopefully letting them know that their thoughts and feelings are valid and ok.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Footprints
Just wanted to share one of my absolute favourite poems, and one that I always look to in times of despair and hardship.....it has got me through many tough times
FOOTPRINTS
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.
This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.
The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
FOOTPRINTS
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.
This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.
The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
Thank-you....yes, YOU!
Just wanted to make a post to say Thank-you to everyone out there who is reading this :)
I may not know who you are (feel free to comment and say hi :)but I do want you all to know that I appreciate the messages I have received, I cannot begin to tell you how much it means to me to know that I am opening people's eyes to the pain of infertility. Like I have mentioned before infertility is still a bit of a taboo topic and knowing that people are reading and learning from my experience gives me a positive in what has been such a negative experience :)
So thank-you everyone, and like I said....comment below and say hello (I won't bite ;)
I may not know who you are (feel free to comment and say hi :)but I do want you all to know that I appreciate the messages I have received, I cannot begin to tell you how much it means to me to know that I am opening people's eyes to the pain of infertility. Like I have mentioned before infertility is still a bit of a taboo topic and knowing that people are reading and learning from my experience gives me a positive in what has been such a negative experience :)
So thank-you everyone, and like I said....comment below and say hello (I won't bite ;)
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
What can you do to help?
What can I do to help?
That is a question we get asked often, people just want to know what they can do to help us during this horrible time
To be honest, as much as we wish there was something, there really isn't much you can do to help :(
There are things that have made it easier over the past few years, a nice card in the mail, a loving message, an invitation to lunch/dinner....all of these things may seem like small gestures but they really do help to make it a little easier.
They help us to know you're out there and thinking of us, or to get our minds off things by going out for a meal and not having to think about it
Not so much for Johnny, but for me, I like it when people ask what is happening or what treatment we are up to. When people take an interested in learning about what we are going through it makes my feelings about it all feel a bit more validated.
Some days are so hard for some many different reasons (just had a doctors appointment, or heard a pregnancy announcement, someone had a baby, saw a pregnant woman rub her belly...so many reasons) and a simple text message with a 'hey, just seeing how you are' or a funny joke to make us smile can mean the world
That is a question we get asked often, people just want to know what they can do to help us during this horrible time
To be honest, as much as we wish there was something, there really isn't much you can do to help :(
There are things that have made it easier over the past few years, a nice card in the mail, a loving message, an invitation to lunch/dinner....all of these things may seem like small gestures but they really do help to make it a little easier.
They help us to know you're out there and thinking of us, or to get our minds off things by going out for a meal and not having to think about it
Not so much for Johnny, but for me, I like it when people ask what is happening or what treatment we are up to. When people take an interested in learning about what we are going through it makes my feelings about it all feel a bit more validated.
Some days are so hard for some many different reasons (just had a doctors appointment, or heard a pregnancy announcement, someone had a baby, saw a pregnant woman rub her belly...so many reasons) and a simple text message with a 'hey, just seeing how you are' or a funny joke to make us smile can mean the world
Monday, June 7, 2010
TWW
TWW = Two Week Wait! for anyone who has not been lucky enough to conceive in the first few months they will know how horrible the two week wait can be :(
It's the time between ovulation and finding out if you are pregnant or not.
I had another appointment with our fertility specialist and she did a scan that showed I have a mature follicle (the sac that contains the egg) that is ready to ovulate. So she gave me a trigger injection that should start ovulation.
So we now have a very small window in which we can fall pregnant and than a very long two week wait to see if we are successful or not.
For me the two week wait is absolutely horrible, it's a time where everything seems like a possible pregnancy symptom.
Am I feeling more nauseous than normal? are my boobs sore? am I bloated? Is my skin or hair different? am I more tired than usual? am I going to the toilet more?
there are so many pregnancy symptoms that can lead you to get your hopes up, and me being the optimist I am, always convince myself that it is an early pregnancy sign.
I know I am setting myself up for heartbreak and disappointment but I just can't seem to help it, what my heart feels and what my head is telling me are two completely different things.
I think this will be the hardest two week wait I've gone through because I know I have ovulated and I know we have...hmmm how do I put it, ceased the opportunity ;) so I know that there really is a good chance this cycle.
I am sure this will be the longest two weeks of my life! I don't know what I am going to do to stop thinking about it, I will have to find things to keep me busy and distracted...although I am sure it is all I am going to think about until we do a pregnancy test at the end of the two weeks.
Who knew two weeks could seem so long?
It's the time between ovulation and finding out if you are pregnant or not.
I had another appointment with our fertility specialist and she did a scan that showed I have a mature follicle (the sac that contains the egg) that is ready to ovulate. So she gave me a trigger injection that should start ovulation.
So we now have a very small window in which we can fall pregnant and than a very long two week wait to see if we are successful or not.
For me the two week wait is absolutely horrible, it's a time where everything seems like a possible pregnancy symptom.
Am I feeling more nauseous than normal? are my boobs sore? am I bloated? Is my skin or hair different? am I more tired than usual? am I going to the toilet more?
there are so many pregnancy symptoms that can lead you to get your hopes up, and me being the optimist I am, always convince myself that it is an early pregnancy sign.
I know I am setting myself up for heartbreak and disappointment but I just can't seem to help it, what my heart feels and what my head is telling me are two completely different things.
I think this will be the hardest two week wait I've gone through because I know I have ovulated and I know we have...hmmm how do I put it, ceased the opportunity ;) so I know that there really is a good chance this cycle.
I am sure this will be the longest two weeks of my life! I don't know what I am going to do to stop thinking about it, I will have to find things to keep me busy and distracted...although I am sure it is all I am going to think about until we do a pregnancy test at the end of the two weeks.
Who knew two weeks could seem so long?
Friday, June 4, 2010
It's official!
so it's now official....we are doing IVF!
We found out yesterday after getting some not great test results back that IVF is the path we will have to take
I am still trying to process it all, I think over the past few months I have tried to prepare myself but I will say honestly that deep down I never thought we would need IVF
It is all very overwhelming and somewhat confusing
The first thing I had to do yesterday was register with the IVF clinic, we are going through Melbourne IVF.
Now we need to complete our police checks (still very angry about this!) and our child protection order checks to make sure we don't have any child protection orders against us.
I was up until midnight last night filling in all the paperwork and am going to send it all off today. The checks should take about two weeks to come back.
Than on July 2nd we have an appointment to see the counsellor (a counselling session is needed by law before be can begin) and an appointment with the nurse to go through the plan and an appointment with the accounts department (not looking forward to that, IVF is extremely expensive....think $7,000+).
Once all these appointments are done we have to wait for my cycle to start and than we start our IVF treatment, which will take about 6-7 weeks!
It's not a quick, fun or cheap process to go through at all......but it is what it is, and lets just hope that we can get pregnant on the first cycle because in all honesty we only have one shot at this, we just don't have the money for more than one go
We found out yesterday after getting some not great test results back that IVF is the path we will have to take
I am still trying to process it all, I think over the past few months I have tried to prepare myself but I will say honestly that deep down I never thought we would need IVF
It is all very overwhelming and somewhat confusing
The first thing I had to do yesterday was register with the IVF clinic, we are going through Melbourne IVF.
Now we need to complete our police checks (still very angry about this!) and our child protection order checks to make sure we don't have any child protection orders against us.
I was up until midnight last night filling in all the paperwork and am going to send it all off today. The checks should take about two weeks to come back.
Than on July 2nd we have an appointment to see the counsellor (a counselling session is needed by law before be can begin) and an appointment with the nurse to go through the plan and an appointment with the accounts department (not looking forward to that, IVF is extremely expensive....think $7,000+).
Once all these appointments are done we have to wait for my cycle to start and than we start our IVF treatment, which will take about 6-7 weeks!
It's not a quick, fun or cheap process to go through at all......but it is what it is, and lets just hope that we can get pregnant on the first cycle because in all honesty we only have one shot at this, we just don't have the money for more than one go
Black sheep
If there is one thing that can make you feel completely alone and separated from friends and family, it's infertility
Johnny and I are already the black sheeps of our families. We have very different opinion and beliefs to those in our family and to be honest we don't have that much in common with them (except for sharing genetics, lol) we are often left out of things (not always in a malicious way) or the last to find things out.... I guess we are used to this but with what we are going through, it has really divided us even more
My family have tried to understand about our struggles but none of our family or friends have gone through this, we don't have anyone to talk t about this....no one to vent to, cry to, no one to really understand how we feel
I am lucky that I have some wonderful girls on the parenting forum I am on who have either been there or are going through it to be my shoulder to cry on, an ear that I can vent to, but Johnny doesn't have anyone to talk to about this (well except me).
I don't think his family know (or care) what we are going through, there is never any phone calls to see what is happening or how we are....why is there never any support for the males going through infertility?? :(
I guess if they never call to see how Jakson is, why would they call to see how he is?
I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone, but I also wish we had someone who really did understand this crap we are going through
Johnny and I are already the black sheeps of our families. We have very different opinion and beliefs to those in our family and to be honest we don't have that much in common with them (except for sharing genetics, lol) we are often left out of things (not always in a malicious way) or the last to find things out.... I guess we are used to this but with what we are going through, it has really divided us even more
My family have tried to understand about our struggles but none of our family or friends have gone through this, we don't have anyone to talk t about this....no one to vent to, cry to, no one to really understand how we feel
I am lucky that I have some wonderful girls on the parenting forum I am on who have either been there or are going through it to be my shoulder to cry on, an ear that I can vent to, but Johnny doesn't have anyone to talk to about this (well except me).
I don't think his family know (or care) what we are going through, there is never any phone calls to see what is happening or how we are....why is there never any support for the males going through infertility?? :(
I guess if they never call to see how Jakson is, why would they call to see how he is?
I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone, but I also wish we had someone who really did understand this crap we are going through
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Telling Jakson....
We have so many close family and friends pregnant around us at the moment, more that I have ever had around me at the same time before.
This as I'm sure you can all understand is incredible hard for us, we are undeniably happy for each and every one of them but alongside that happiness is complete and utter heartbreak for us :(
It's a horrible thing that these people who are so close to us are so worried about how to tell us, I complete understand why and wish I knew a way to make it easier on them and us but I don't think there is
What I find even harder is telling Jakson.
How do I tell a child that most of the people around us have a baby in their tummy but that his mummy doesn't yet?
How do I tell him when it will be my turn? How do I tell him why I don't have one yet?
Every time we tell Jakson that someone is pregnant he always asks why I am not or when I will have a baby in my tummy, or how did they get the baby in their tummy?
What do I tell my baby boy why I don't have any answers???
This as I'm sure you can all understand is incredible hard for us, we are undeniably happy for each and every one of them but alongside that happiness is complete and utter heartbreak for us :(
It's a horrible thing that these people who are so close to us are so worried about how to tell us, I complete understand why and wish I knew a way to make it easier on them and us but I don't think there is
What I find even harder is telling Jakson.
How do I tell a child that most of the people around us have a baby in their tummy but that his mummy doesn't yet?
How do I tell him when it will be my turn? How do I tell him why I don't have one yet?
Every time we tell Jakson that someone is pregnant he always asks why I am not or when I will have a baby in my tummy, or how did they get the baby in their tummy?
What do I tell my baby boy why I don't have any answers???
Our little doctor in the making! ;)
If you have read my previous blog about the Puregon injections I have just started you would have read that when I tried to get Johnny to watch the instructional DVD with me, he sat there with his hand over his eyes - not very helpful at all, LOL
The other night when I was about to give myself one, I suddenly remembered something I had to ask him.....so I walked over to him with it in my hand and he literally jumped out of the chair cause he thought I was going to jab him! LMAO
mind you it's not even a syringe, it's a trigger pen with a tiny needle on the top)
He doesn't like to look at them or be anywhere near them!
Jakson on the other hand has been extremely interested in the whole process.
The first time he saw me do it, he had so many questions....how, why, where, what does the medicine do.....
So yesterday he asked if he could give it to me and last night he did!
He was so gorgeous, I let him help me set it up, he picked the spot to inject me, he pushed the needle in and than pressed the trigger button and than he counted to five (I didn't even have to remind him to do this, he just knew from watching me) and than he slowly pulled it out
He was so super proud of himself and so was I
Jaks has had to put up with a lot because of all of this infertility crap and I'm so glad that I got to share a positive moment with him
Not sure if I've created a monster or not though, he wants to give it to me again tonight! lol
The other night when I was about to give myself one, I suddenly remembered something I had to ask him.....so I walked over to him with it in my hand and he literally jumped out of the chair cause he thought I was going to jab him! LMAO
mind you it's not even a syringe, it's a trigger pen with a tiny needle on the top)
He doesn't like to look at them or be anywhere near them!
Jakson on the other hand has been extremely interested in the whole process.
The first time he saw me do it, he had so many questions....how, why, where, what does the medicine do.....
So yesterday he asked if he could give it to me and last night he did!
He was so gorgeous, I let him help me set it up, he picked the spot to inject me, he pushed the needle in and than pressed the trigger button and than he counted to five (I didn't even have to remind him to do this, he just knew from watching me) and than he slowly pulled it out
He was so super proud of himself and so was I
Jaks has had to put up with a lot because of all of this infertility crap and I'm so glad that I got to share a positive moment with him
Not sure if I've created a monster or not though, he wants to give it to me again tonight! lol
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