Our baby girl is going to be three months old tomorrow.
It has been three of the fastest months of my life!
I'm very happy to say that I am still breastfeeding and loving it. I am finding it so rewarding and, well I can't really describe the joy it brings me :)
Milly has changed so much in three months. She really does have her own little personality now and it's adorable!
She is full or smiles, giggles and baby noises and we are all loving it.
She is a very lucky girl because she has a big brother who is completely obsessed with her!
Jakson loves her so much, he is forever sitting next to her and talking or singing to her or laying down next to her while he plays games on his iTouch, just so he can be next to her.
As soon as Milly hears Jakson's voice she starts looking for him, sometimes it looks like she is going to break her neck because she is stretching it so much to see him!
We are also very lucky that Jakson is the best little helper in the world :) always there to help with bathing her or changing her nappy. He really is making it easier for us.
I have to say that the only thing that has put a bit of a damper on things is visitors...well lack of visitors.
Milly is three months old and in that time we have had one lot of friends come over for a visit, and family....well I can count the number of times family have come over on one hand (and that's both sides of our families combined).
I know people are busy or sick or have things going on in their lives but Milly has been here for 13 weeks now and I really didn't think it was too much to expect that people would have put aside an hour to come and meet her in that time or even invited us over to their place so they can meet her.
It just makes me sad that people haven't come to meet her, after all the 'I can't wait for you to have her' or 'I can't wait for newborn cuddles with her' comments during my pregnancy I guess I just expected that by three months old they would have visited her.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Sunday, September 4, 2011
P.N.D
PND or Post Natal Depression....there very scary words.
Especially for someone who has been through it before, which I have.
After Jakson was born I suffered from PND and it was one of, if not the most, darkest times in my life.
At a time when I should have been enjoying being a mother for the first time, enjoying the smilies and cuddles from my son...I was in such a dark place that I wasn't enjoying it like I should have.
I was overcome by the most horrific morbid thoughts (not thoughts of harming myself or anyone else) and filled with such incredible fear of Jakson or Jonathon being taken away from me that I was not functioning as a adult.
After seeing me like this and although he listening to me deny anything was wrong, I was lucky that Jonathon knew better and took me to the doctors. I will forever be grateful that he did this.
After talking to the doctor I was put on anti-depressants which I think saved my life. I was able to see clearly, to process things and to start functioning again, I was finally able to be the mum that Jakson deserved.
So after going through that the first time, I have been very scared of getting PND again.
After everything we've been though - trouble conceiving, a difficult pregnancy and me having to let go of having a natural labour, breastfeeding problems........I was sure I was going to get PND.
This time though I took a pre-emptive attack. During my pregnancy I started seeing the doctors in the mother baby unit (MBU) at the hospital. These doctors are psychologist there to help detect and manage PND.
They have been wonderful and I am happy to say that 11 weeks since having Milly, there is no sign of PND.
I think a big part of this has been establishing breastfeeding. I absolutely love breastfeeding and I am so glad that I persisted because it just feels so rewarding.
I really do think this has helped me not to get PND this time.
Another thing that I believe has helped is being informed about it. Having gone through it once I know how horrible it is and I also know the signs to look for in myself.
I feel sad that I didn't get to feel this way after Jakson was born but I know that it has not impacted on my relationship with him. I have an amazing bond with my little man and he is such a beautiful and caring little boy who I am so very proud of :)
Especially for someone who has been through it before, which I have.
After Jakson was born I suffered from PND and it was one of, if not the most, darkest times in my life.
At a time when I should have been enjoying being a mother for the first time, enjoying the smilies and cuddles from my son...I was in such a dark place that I wasn't enjoying it like I should have.
I was overcome by the most horrific morbid thoughts (not thoughts of harming myself or anyone else) and filled with such incredible fear of Jakson or Jonathon being taken away from me that I was not functioning as a adult.
After seeing me like this and although he listening to me deny anything was wrong, I was lucky that Jonathon knew better and took me to the doctors. I will forever be grateful that he did this.
After talking to the doctor I was put on anti-depressants which I think saved my life. I was able to see clearly, to process things and to start functioning again, I was finally able to be the mum that Jakson deserved.
So after going through that the first time, I have been very scared of getting PND again.
After everything we've been though - trouble conceiving, a difficult pregnancy and me having to let go of having a natural labour, breastfeeding problems........I was sure I was going to get PND.
This time though I took a pre-emptive attack. During my pregnancy I started seeing the doctors in the mother baby unit (MBU) at the hospital. These doctors are psychologist there to help detect and manage PND.
They have been wonderful and I am happy to say that 11 weeks since having Milly, there is no sign of PND.
I think a big part of this has been establishing breastfeeding. I absolutely love breastfeeding and I am so glad that I persisted because it just feels so rewarding.
I really do think this has helped me not to get PND this time.
Another thing that I believe has helped is being informed about it. Having gone through it once I know how horrible it is and I also know the signs to look for in myself.
I feel sad that I didn't get to feel this way after Jakson was born but I know that it has not impacted on my relationship with him. I have an amazing bond with my little man and he is such a beautiful and caring little boy who I am so very proud of :)
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Breastfeeding....not always as natural as it should be
Well what is supposed to be a natural event has been a very stressful one for me.
Breastfeeding did not happen instantly for us and in fact it took at least 5 days for my milk to even come in.
While in hospital we kept trying and we just could not get Milly to attach properly. Different nurses kept trying and still we couldn't get a proper attachment. I was starting to feel a bit, I dunno...stupid I guess for not knowing what a proper attachment was. In all honesty I had no idea what I or Milly should be doing.
With Jakson I was only able to breastfeed for three weeks and that was with using a nipple shield, so I never experienced an attachment with him.
To add to the stress this time, we had a very sleepy baby. Milly had a very big and nasty bruise on her face from the forceps when she was born and this had caused her to have jaundice and be very sleepy.
She was pretty much asleep non stop, only waking occasionally to have a little cry to let me know she was hungry or had a dirty nappy.
I would put Milly onto the breast, she would have a few little suckles and than be asleep again.
For me this was very frustrating, I just wanted to feed my baby :(
No, make that I needed to feed my baby.
One of the main reasons I gave up my dream of having a vaginal birth was to increase my chances of breastfeeding successfully.
Unfortunately it got to a stage in the hospital where we had to give her formula, this broke my heart.
Not that I'm against formula feeding, Jakson was formula feed.
But I so desperately wanted to breastfeed her that every bottle of formula I made up felt like that dream of breastfeeding her was slipping away :(
Just as with trying to conceive her, the pregnancy and birth, this was another stage that left me in constant tears.
And just like all of the above I was determined to stick with it and push through all the hurdles.
I kept trying, through all the pain and frustration I just kept trying and slowly we were making progress.
Once my milk came in I was able to express so that even though she was having bottles, at least it was my breastmilk she was having. Trying to encourage my milk to come in and my supply to keep up, I was pumping around the clock....I felt like I was a cow at a dairy farm! lol
After we came home from hospital I had a few nurses come out and visit and they kept trying to help Milly attach and yet still no luck. One of the nurses gave me a nipple shield to try, however it didn't work.
But not giving up I made an appointment at the breastfeeding clinic at the hospital, however they didn't have any vacancies for a week. So for that week I just kept pumping and offering the breast, hoping and praying that she would attach properly but it was not to be.
Many many times I was close to giving up and just putting her onto formula. Since Milly was born I had been fighting infections and been on two different courses of antibiotics which were having an impact on my milk supply....adding more stress to the situation.
Throughout all the tears and frustration I am so grateful to have had my wonderfully supportive husband by my side. He kept things in prospective and calmed me down when I needed it.
Going to the breastfeeding clinic I was nearly at breaking point, nearly at the point of just throwing in the breastfeeding towel because it was consuming me too much and I should be enjoying having a newborn rather than crying non stop because I felt like a failure for not being able to breastfeed her.
But I am so glad that I went to that clinic, that I didn't call up and cancel the appointment.
The nurses there were so lovely and supportive. After talking about what had been happening so far the nurse gave me a smaller shield to use and instantly Milly attached and I sat there while she feed continuously for over 15 minutes, the longest feed she had ever had. Oh and yes, I cried again but this time they were happy tears.
I couldn't believe that just using a smaller shield had worked! and that there was still a chance for us to have a long and enjoyable breastfeeding journey.
We made another appointment for two weeks time, in which the nurse said we would probably not even need the shield! now this to me seemed nearly impossible.
I was never able to feed Jakson without the shield and had already had so many problems with Milly that I didn't see up being able to feed without the shield ever.
So for the next two weeks we feed with the shield and then we went back to the clinic.
I sat in the chair and the nurse said to try without the shield, so I did and instantly Milly attached!
I started crying (again!) because for the first time my baby had attached and was having a nice long and full feed from me.
All the tears, frustration, anger, guilt and everything else disappeared and I was instantly filled with joy and pride. Why pride? because I finally proud of myself for not giving up, for sticking with it.
We have been successfully breastfeeding since than :)
Although we have had to give her a few bottles of EBM (expressed breast milk) when my nipples were so sore and feeding was just too painful but we battled through it and have not had any problems since.
I love feeding my daughter, I cannot express the joy I get from it and I hope that we have a very long breast feeding journey ahead of us.
Breastfeeding did not happen instantly for us and in fact it took at least 5 days for my milk to even come in.
While in hospital we kept trying and we just could not get Milly to attach properly. Different nurses kept trying and still we couldn't get a proper attachment. I was starting to feel a bit, I dunno...stupid I guess for not knowing what a proper attachment was. In all honesty I had no idea what I or Milly should be doing.
With Jakson I was only able to breastfeed for three weeks and that was with using a nipple shield, so I never experienced an attachment with him.
To add to the stress this time, we had a very sleepy baby. Milly had a very big and nasty bruise on her face from the forceps when she was born and this had caused her to have jaundice and be very sleepy.
She was pretty much asleep non stop, only waking occasionally to have a little cry to let me know she was hungry or had a dirty nappy.
I would put Milly onto the breast, she would have a few little suckles and than be asleep again.
For me this was very frustrating, I just wanted to feed my baby :(
No, make that I needed to feed my baby.
One of the main reasons I gave up my dream of having a vaginal birth was to increase my chances of breastfeeding successfully.
Unfortunately it got to a stage in the hospital where we had to give her formula, this broke my heart.
Not that I'm against formula feeding, Jakson was formula feed.
But I so desperately wanted to breastfeed her that every bottle of formula I made up felt like that dream of breastfeeding her was slipping away :(
Just as with trying to conceive her, the pregnancy and birth, this was another stage that left me in constant tears.
And just like all of the above I was determined to stick with it and push through all the hurdles.
I kept trying, through all the pain and frustration I just kept trying and slowly we were making progress.
Once my milk came in I was able to express so that even though she was having bottles, at least it was my breastmilk she was having. Trying to encourage my milk to come in and my supply to keep up, I was pumping around the clock....I felt like I was a cow at a dairy farm! lol
After we came home from hospital I had a few nurses come out and visit and they kept trying to help Milly attach and yet still no luck. One of the nurses gave me a nipple shield to try, however it didn't work.
But not giving up I made an appointment at the breastfeeding clinic at the hospital, however they didn't have any vacancies for a week. So for that week I just kept pumping and offering the breast, hoping and praying that she would attach properly but it was not to be.
Many many times I was close to giving up and just putting her onto formula. Since Milly was born I had been fighting infections and been on two different courses of antibiotics which were having an impact on my milk supply....adding more stress to the situation.
Throughout all the tears and frustration I am so grateful to have had my wonderfully supportive husband by my side. He kept things in prospective and calmed me down when I needed it.
Going to the breastfeeding clinic I was nearly at breaking point, nearly at the point of just throwing in the breastfeeding towel because it was consuming me too much and I should be enjoying having a newborn rather than crying non stop because I felt like a failure for not being able to breastfeed her.
But I am so glad that I went to that clinic, that I didn't call up and cancel the appointment.
The nurses there were so lovely and supportive. After talking about what had been happening so far the nurse gave me a smaller shield to use and instantly Milly attached and I sat there while she feed continuously for over 15 minutes, the longest feed she had ever had. Oh and yes, I cried again but this time they were happy tears.
I couldn't believe that just using a smaller shield had worked! and that there was still a chance for us to have a long and enjoyable breastfeeding journey.
We made another appointment for two weeks time, in which the nurse said we would probably not even need the shield! now this to me seemed nearly impossible.
I was never able to feed Jakson without the shield and had already had so many problems with Milly that I didn't see up being able to feed without the shield ever.
So for the next two weeks we feed with the shield and then we went back to the clinic.
I sat in the chair and the nurse said to try without the shield, so I did and instantly Milly attached!
I started crying (again!) because for the first time my baby had attached and was having a nice long and full feed from me.
All the tears, frustration, anger, guilt and everything else disappeared and I was instantly filled with joy and pride. Why pride? because I finally proud of myself for not giving up, for sticking with it.
We have been successfully breastfeeding since than :)
Although we have had to give her a few bottles of EBM (expressed breast milk) when my nipples were so sore and feeding was just too painful but we battled through it and have not had any problems since.
I love feeding my daughter, I cannot express the joy I get from it and I hope that we have a very long breast feeding journey ahead of us.
Our little princess enters the world ♥
On the morning of June 16, 2011 Jonathon and I woke up knowing this was the day our daughter was going to be born.
Now, we had known this date for months but waking up that morning knowing it was to be that day...well that was a very unique feeling.
I had no contractions, there was no hurry, no fear of my water breaking or a baby popping out quickly.
I got up and had my shower, did my hair (a priority of course
) packed the last few things I needed and off we went.
We arrived at the hospital at just before 6am and waited around until the day surgery unit opened.
Once it opened we went in and let the nurses know that my blood sugar levels were getting pretty low, and because I was fasting they were a little worried about this.
After speaking to the doctor I was given some apple juice and told that I was going to be the first one on the list and that as soon as the doctor was there I would be going in.
We did all the usual pre-op things of filling in forms, getting weighed, checking baby and then I had to have some horrible medicine.
Not sure what it was for but it was YUK!
I was than taken into the theatre room. Now for most people this would may have been overwhelming but this was my 13th operation and the lights, medical equipment, nurses and doctors were something I was used to so I wasn’t overwhelmed or scared.....in fact I think because I had had so many operations before it kind of took some of the excitement away for me.
Next it was time to sit up on the bed and have the spinal needle and that hurt! But I had some fantastic nurses there holding my hands and talking me through it, they really made it a lot easier for me.
I was than laid down on the table and I started crying, I’m not sure why I was crying but I think it was just that I had so many emotions at that one time that I became overwhelmed by it all.
Once I was ready Jonathon was brought into the room and we were ready for our daughter to be born
They put a sheet up so I couldn’t see anything and when I asked if they could put the sheet down so I could watch they looked at me like it was the strangest request ever made! and then informed me that I’m not allowed to watch 
I would have LOVED to have watched but it wasn’t to be.
For those that don’t know about a c-section, you can feel some things but not pain. I could feel them touching me and all the pushing and prodding but no pain.
Millicent was stuck and so the pushing (of all my organs) I was feeling was very rough and the senior surgeon was...hmm, let’s just say she was very descriptive!
(the other surgeon came and apologised at the end telling us that the senior surgeon sometimes forgets the patient is awake and can hear what she is saying!)
We could hear the surgeon talking about Milly being stuck and that I was loosing more blood than she wanted me too. She kept saying things like ‘oh she is really stuck in there’ or we’re going to have to do this or that to get her out.
Jonathon and I just kept looking at each other with a kind of ‘just get this kid out safely’ look.
Although we were told Jonathon would be able to stand up to watch and take photos of her coming out due to her being so stuck he wasn’t able to do that
After using forceps to get her out Millicent Lindsay entered the world at 8.44am weighing 9lb 2oz or 4.14kg and measuring 52cm with a head circumference of 37.5cm
After she was finally pulled out Jonathon was able to follow her over to the baby station and see her and take photos and cut the umbilical cord.
I had a television above the bed where I could see what they were doing with her over there.
I remember laying on the operating bed looking at my baby and just thinking ‘how f**king big is she!’ BUT when they brought her over to me and laid her on my chest I realised that the TV was just really zoomed in on her and that’s why she looked so gigantic!
As she laid on my chest I kept thinking why don’t I feel anything? Isn’t there supposed to be this instant bond?
I was very confused and not really sure what to feel. We waited so long for her and I'm not feeling anything, it was very confusing for me.
In a way I was relieved when they took her away while I was sewn up because it gave me time to process everything.
Just after I got in to recovery Jonathon and Milly came in.
Again, she was placed on my chest but this time I didn’t feel empty or blank, I felt the most incredible feeling of love for her.
It was as if in that one instant my heart doubled in size.
I don’t know if it was because this time I could hold her and wrap my arms around her (where as whilst in theatre she was only placed on my chest and I couldn’t really cuddle her) or because I then got a chance to feed her. Something I had looked forward to for so long, something that I didn’t get to do last time and it was wonderful.
After spending a bit of time in recovery we were than taken to our room and made the phone call to have Jakson brought in (he had stayed the night at his nanny’s house).
When he came into the room and saw his little baby sister he was so excited and proud
He couldn’t wait to call everyone and tell them all about his brand new little sister
After a traumatic experience with Jakson’s birth, trying to fall pregnant for 3.5 years, having a difficult pregnancy and dealing with letting go of my dream of a VBAC and I am happy to say that I feel I had a positive c-section experience.
The doctors and nurses kept me informed of everything that was happening, Milly was only away from me for a short amount of time and she was with me in recovery and from then onwards.
Oh and her name, well I guess you could say that Jakson named her!
Before I was even pregnant Jakson would tell us that I was going to have a little girl and her name would be Milly. He would always talk about Milly and when I was pregnant he kept saying Milly.
It really grew on us and we couldn’t imagine her not being called Milly.
We started looking at the longer versions of Milly and fell in love with Millicent.
Her middle name Lindsay is her daddy's middle name that was passed down to him
(I’m so glad we didn’t go with his first choice a few years back of Taco!
)
Now, we had known this date for months but waking up that morning knowing it was to be that day...well that was a very unique feeling.
I had no contractions, there was no hurry, no fear of my water breaking or a baby popping out quickly.
I got up and had my shower, did my hair (a priority of course
) packed the last few things I needed and off we went. We arrived at the hospital at just before 6am and waited around until the day surgery unit opened.
Once it opened we went in and let the nurses know that my blood sugar levels were getting pretty low, and because I was fasting they were a little worried about this.
After speaking to the doctor I was given some apple juice and told that I was going to be the first one on the list and that as soon as the doctor was there I would be going in.
We did all the usual pre-op things of filling in forms, getting weighed, checking baby and then I had to have some horrible medicine.
Not sure what it was for but it was YUK!
I was than taken into the theatre room. Now for most people this would may have been overwhelming but this was my 13th operation and the lights, medical equipment, nurses and doctors were something I was used to so I wasn’t overwhelmed or scared.....in fact I think because I had had so many operations before it kind of took some of the excitement away for me.
Next it was time to sit up on the bed and have the spinal needle and that hurt! But I had some fantastic nurses there holding my hands and talking me through it, they really made it a lot easier for me.
I was than laid down on the table and I started crying, I’m not sure why I was crying but I think it was just that I had so many emotions at that one time that I became overwhelmed by it all.
Once I was ready Jonathon was brought into the room and we were ready for our daughter to be born
They put a sheet up so I couldn’t see anything and when I asked if they could put the sheet down so I could watch they looked at me like it was the strangest request ever made!
and then informed me that I’m not allowed to watch I would have LOVED to have watched but it wasn’t to be. For those that don’t know about a c-section, you can feel some things but not pain. I could feel them touching me and all the pushing and prodding but no pain.
Millicent was stuck and so the pushing (of all my organs) I was feeling was very rough and the senior surgeon was...hmm, let’s just say she was very descriptive!
(the other surgeon came and apologised at the end telling us that the senior surgeon sometimes forgets the patient is awake and can hear what she is saying!)
We could hear the surgeon talking about Milly being stuck and that I was loosing more blood than she wanted me too. She kept saying things like ‘oh she is really stuck in there’ or we’re going to have to do this or that to get her out.
Jonathon and I just kept looking at each other with a kind of ‘just get this kid out safely’ look.
Although we were told Jonathon would be able to stand up to watch and take photos of her coming out due to her being so stuck he wasn’t able to do that
After using forceps to get her out Millicent Lindsay entered the world at 8.44am weighing 9lb 2oz or 4.14kg and measuring 52cm with a head circumference of 37.5cm
After she was finally pulled out Jonathon was able to follow her over to the baby station and see her and take photos and cut the umbilical cord.
I had a television above the bed where I could see what they were doing with her over there.
I remember laying on the operating bed looking at my baby and just thinking ‘how f**king big is she!’ BUT when they brought her over to me and laid her on my chest I realised that the TV was just really zoomed in on her and that’s why she looked so gigantic!
As she laid on my chest I kept thinking why don’t I feel anything? Isn’t there supposed to be this instant bond?
I was very confused and not really sure what to feel. We waited so long for her and I'm not feeling anything, it was very confusing for me.
In a way I was relieved when they took her away while I was sewn up because it gave me time to process everything.
Just after I got in to recovery Jonathon and Milly came in.
Again, she was placed on my chest but this time I didn’t feel empty or blank, I felt the most incredible feeling of love for her.
It was as if in that one instant my heart doubled in size.
I don’t know if it was because this time I could hold her and wrap my arms around her (where as whilst in theatre she was only placed on my chest and I couldn’t really cuddle her) or because I then got a chance to feed her. Something I had looked forward to for so long, something that I didn’t get to do last time and it was wonderful.
After spending a bit of time in recovery we were than taken to our room and made the phone call to have Jakson brought in (he had stayed the night at his nanny’s house).
When he came into the room and saw his little baby sister he was so excited and proud
He couldn’t wait to call everyone and tell them all about his brand new little sister
After a traumatic experience with Jakson’s birth, trying to fall pregnant for 3.5 years, having a difficult pregnancy and dealing with letting go of my dream of a VBAC and I am happy to say that I feel I had a positive c-section experience.
The doctors and nurses kept me informed of everything that was happening, Milly was only away from me for a short amount of time and she was with me in recovery and from then onwards.
Oh and her name, well I guess you could say that Jakson named her!
Before I was even pregnant Jakson would tell us that I was going to have a little girl and her name would be Milly. He would always talk about Milly and when I was pregnant he kept saying Milly.
It really grew on us and we couldn’t imagine her not being called Milly.
We started looking at the longer versions of Milly and fell in love with Millicent.
Her middle name Lindsay is her daddy's middle name that was passed down to him
(I’m so glad we didn’t go with his first choice a few years back of Taco!
)
It's been a while ;)
Well it's been a while since I updated this but there has been a good reason... we have been completely besotted with our new arrival. On June 16th 2011 our beautiful little princess, Millicent Lindsay entered the world
The end on my pregnancy was a real struggle and we had been keeping a secret that was hard not to let out.
Since April we had known the date our daughter would be born. After a lot of thinking and talking early on in the pregnancy I agreed to have an elective c-section.
I had always wanted to have a VBAC - Vaginal Birth After Caesarean. This was something I knew I was going to have to fight for but I was sure I would be able to do it.
However after lots of thinking and tears I can to the realisation that for me, my baby and to help increase my chances of successfully breastfeeding it was best to go for the elective c-section.
To say I was heartbroken was an understatement. To know that I would never feel a contraction, feel my waters break, feel that urge to push....well lets just say that there were a lot of tears for all these things I would be missing out on but I worked though it and focused on having a positive birthing experience.
It was hard keeping it a secret but we didn't want the pressure of people wanting to be kept up to date on what was happening or people telling me in the lead up to the date 'oh you only have xxx days to go' because I knew that even though I knew when she was going to born, it wasn't going to make those last weeks or days of being heavily pregnant any easier.
However as the date got closer and the excitement grew it was hard to keep it to ourselves and we decided to share it with our close family and friends and this only added to our excitement :)
The end on my pregnancy was a real struggle and we had been keeping a secret that was hard not to let out.
Since April we had known the date our daughter would be born. After a lot of thinking and talking early on in the pregnancy I agreed to have an elective c-section.
I had always wanted to have a VBAC - Vaginal Birth After Caesarean. This was something I knew I was going to have to fight for but I was sure I would be able to do it.
However after lots of thinking and tears I can to the realisation that for me, my baby and to help increase my chances of successfully breastfeeding it was best to go for the elective c-section.
To say I was heartbroken was an understatement. To know that I would never feel a contraction, feel my waters break, feel that urge to push....well lets just say that there were a lot of tears for all these things I would be missing out on but I worked though it and focused on having a positive birthing experience.
It was hard keeping it a secret but we didn't want the pressure of people wanting to be kept up to date on what was happening or people telling me in the lead up to the date 'oh you only have xxx days to go' because I knew that even though I knew when she was going to born, it wasn't going to make those last weeks or days of being heavily pregnant any easier.
However as the date got closer and the excitement grew it was hard to keep it to ourselves and we decided to share it with our close family and friends and this only added to our excitement :)
Thursday, May 19, 2011
An update :)
It feels like forever since I last blogged!
Things are going well, and by that I mean we are getting to the end finally! lol
Things haven't been easy, it's been a pretty rough pregnancy and I am in constant pain everyday :(
I used to think Jakson's pregnancy was tough, but it was easy compared to this one.
I'm still having morning sickness daily, back and sciatic pain, lots of needles everyday and than there is the carpal tunnel!
I never knew you could get carpal tunnel in pregnancy, but you can and it's nasty!
I have to wear a wrist brace on my right hand 27/7 and one on my left hand at night. Every night when I go to bed with them on, it feels like I have boxing gloves on. Both the splints have metal rod in them to help my wrist stay in the best position and relieve the pain and pressure on the nerve while I sleep.
Without these splints I don't know how I would cope, I wouldn't be able to do anything at all.
Thank goodness for some lovely girls who pointed out that the pain I was having sounded like carpal tunnel, otherwise I think I would have just kept putting up with it and not asked.
Now that we are getting on in the pregnancy (I'm 34 weeks now) I have weekly appointments at the hospital, but this can mean I am there 2 or 3 times a week sometimes with all the doctors/clinics I need to see!
It is very exhausting but you just have to get on with it.
I also have a bit of a confession.....I am 34 weeks pregnant and have a very active bubba but I am yet to really believe I am pregnant. Even hearing her heartbeat every week and seeing her on the scan every few weeks, I still struggle to put what I see and feel into context of that being a child, my child.
Sounds weird, doesn't it?
It's just so hard for me to comprehend that what I am feeling and seeing is actually a baby, a human being that is inside me!
It's such a surreal concept for me and I don't think it will sink in until I am actually holding her
We have less than 6 weeks until her due date and still have so much to do.
It weird how 6 weeks can feel so short and so long at the same time.
Things are going well, and by that I mean we are getting to the end finally! lol
Things haven't been easy, it's been a pretty rough pregnancy and I am in constant pain everyday :(
I used to think Jakson's pregnancy was tough, but it was easy compared to this one.
I'm still having morning sickness daily, back and sciatic pain, lots of needles everyday and than there is the carpal tunnel!
I never knew you could get carpal tunnel in pregnancy, but you can and it's nasty!
I have to wear a wrist brace on my right hand 27/7 and one on my left hand at night. Every night when I go to bed with them on, it feels like I have boxing gloves on. Both the splints have metal rod in them to help my wrist stay in the best position and relieve the pain and pressure on the nerve while I sleep.
Without these splints I don't know how I would cope, I wouldn't be able to do anything at all.
Thank goodness for some lovely girls who pointed out that the pain I was having sounded like carpal tunnel, otherwise I think I would have just kept putting up with it and not asked.
Now that we are getting on in the pregnancy (I'm 34 weeks now) I have weekly appointments at the hospital, but this can mean I am there 2 or 3 times a week sometimes with all the doctors/clinics I need to see!
It is very exhausting but you just have to get on with it.
I also have a bit of a confession.....I am 34 weeks pregnant and have a very active bubba but I am yet to really believe I am pregnant. Even hearing her heartbeat every week and seeing her on the scan every few weeks, I still struggle to put what I see and feel into context of that being a child, my child.
Sounds weird, doesn't it?
It's just so hard for me to comprehend that what I am feeling and seeing is actually a baby, a human being that is inside me!
It's such a surreal concept for me and I don't think it will sink in until I am actually holding her
We have less than 6 weeks until her due date and still have so much to do.
It weird how 6 weeks can feel so short and so long at the same time.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
A random thought.....
Due to some, well lets say complications and scares though this pregnancy, I have had a lot of hospital appointments, tests, scans etc...
I feel like I'm at the hospital every week, if not every second week.
Although it's hard to organise appointments around work, being there to pick Jakson up from school and Johnny's work roster, I don't mind because each appointment is important to making sure our little bubba comes out safely.
I have to say though the one thing that is stressful about the appointments is finding parking! It can be an absolute nightmare finding parking at the hospital, sometimes it can take 3 minutes or 30 minutes!
After a particularly stressful time finding parking last Tuesday I was feeling frustrated walking into the hospital however while in the elevator I had a sudden thought......this is the building where my daughter will be born, this is the elevator people will go in to come and visit us and meet her, this is the elevator we will go in when we bring her home
It's little random thoughts like that, that really put a smile on my face
I feel like I'm at the hospital every week, if not every second week.
Although it's hard to organise appointments around work, being there to pick Jakson up from school and Johnny's work roster, I don't mind because each appointment is important to making sure our little bubba comes out safely.
I have to say though the one thing that is stressful about the appointments is finding parking! It can be an absolute nightmare finding parking at the hospital, sometimes it can take 3 minutes or 30 minutes!
After a particularly stressful time finding parking last Tuesday I was feeling frustrated walking into the hospital however while in the elevator I had a sudden thought......this is the building where my daughter will be born, this is the elevator people will go in to come and visit us and meet her, this is the elevator we will go in when we bring her home
It's little random thoughts like that, that really put a smile on my face
Friday, March 25, 2011
Needles, Needles and More Needles!
At the moment I am on 5 injections of insulin a day and by the time bubs is born I would have had over 600 self injections!!
It's a good thing I'm not scared of needles! lol
However there is a downside to all these needles, at the moment my tummy looks a pin cushion. Well a pin cushion covered in bruises.
As well as the marks and bruises it also hurts to touch, which means it can be very sore when Johnny or Jakson want to feel bubs moving.
I also have to prick my finger to take my blood glucose reading 5+ times a day and my finger tips have become very sore and sensitive.
But it's a very small price to pay to know that I am keeping both her and me healthy, so bring on the needles....because I'll have as many as needed to make sure we get our little princess out happy and healthy :)
It's a good thing I'm not scared of needles! lol
However there is a downside to all these needles, at the moment my tummy looks a pin cushion. Well a pin cushion covered in bruises.
As well as the marks and bruises it also hurts to touch, which means it can be very sore when Johnny or Jakson want to feel bubs moving.
I also have to prick my finger to take my blood glucose reading 5+ times a day and my finger tips have become very sore and sensitive.
But it's a very small price to pay to know that I am keeping both her and me healthy, so bring on the needles....because I'll have as many as needed to make sure we get our little princess out happy and healthy :)
Thursday, March 24, 2011
A bit of a scare
I had one of my routine obstetrics appointments on Tuesday, well what I thought would be a routine appointment.
I went in and they did the normal things, ask me how I'm feeling, ask if I had any concerns or questions and than went to take my blood pressure. Well my blood pressure was pretty high and the midwife asked me if I had tested my urine for protein (apparently I'm supposed to test it every appointment, which no one had ever told/shown me) so I went and tested it and it came back with protein in it.
The midwives than went and got the doctor who asked me if I had noticed any swelling in my feet, hands.... I said I hadn't, so she checked my feet and yep, they were swollen (I haven't seen my feet in a few weeks so haven't noticed, lol) they also asked about the headache I had and how long I'd had it.
Well it seems that all these symptoms (fluid retention, protein in urine, high blood pressure and headache) are all signs of pre-eclampsia (PE).
Pre-eclampsia is a serious conditions that some pregnant women experience, it is when the blood flow to the placenta is reduced and the baby therefore doesn't get enough oxygen.
It can also cause problems for the mum, including: kidney and liver failure, convulsions, clotting problems and can lead to death.
It's a condition that doctors take very seriously.
After being told that I have signs of pre eclampsia they asked if I was able to stay in for monitoring. I explained that at the moment there is no way I can stay as we had a family emergency happening and it just wasn't possible.
Being that bubs was still being active, the doctor decided to do some tests and if the test came back showing a problem, than I was to come back for monitoring than.
So I had a blood test and gave a urine sample to be sent off for further testing.
To say that I went home feeling scared and uneasy is an understatement.
One of the most common treatment options for pre eclampsia is bed rest. But when you have a husband who is a shift worker and a child in school as well as work, best rest is pretty near impossible.
I spent the next day 48 hours wondering what was going on and feeling pretty scared that I might have PE and scared of how it was going to effect our baby and me.
So many things were going through my head, it's funny how when the doctor tells you to go home and rest and relax...it's the last thing you can actually do!
Thankfully I got a phone call today to say that the test results came back clear, however if I notice any more symptoms I'm to go in and get checked out straight away. The blood test also came back showing my hemoglobin is pretty low, so I am now back on iron tablets and hoping they will help so I can avoid iron injections.
While I'm feeling very relieved that the test came back clear, this was a scare that will not pass easily.
It's scary to think that a serious condition like pre eclampsia can be here with no obvious symptoms, no pain, no real visible signs......a very scary thought to know it can be lurking in the shadows without us knowing.
I went in and they did the normal things, ask me how I'm feeling, ask if I had any concerns or questions and than went to take my blood pressure. Well my blood pressure was pretty high and the midwife asked me if I had tested my urine for protein (apparently I'm supposed to test it every appointment, which no one had ever told/shown me) so I went and tested it and it came back with protein in it.
The midwives than went and got the doctor who asked me if I had noticed any swelling in my feet, hands.... I said I hadn't, so she checked my feet and yep, they were swollen (I haven't seen my feet in a few weeks so haven't noticed, lol) they also asked about the headache I had and how long I'd had it.
Well it seems that all these symptoms (fluid retention, protein in urine, high blood pressure and headache) are all signs of pre-eclampsia (PE).
Pre-eclampsia is a serious conditions that some pregnant women experience, it is when the blood flow to the placenta is reduced and the baby therefore doesn't get enough oxygen.
It can also cause problems for the mum, including: kidney and liver failure, convulsions, clotting problems and can lead to death.
It's a condition that doctors take very seriously.
After being told that I have signs of pre eclampsia they asked if I was able to stay in for monitoring. I explained that at the moment there is no way I can stay as we had a family emergency happening and it just wasn't possible.
Being that bubs was still being active, the doctor decided to do some tests and if the test came back showing a problem, than I was to come back for monitoring than.
So I had a blood test and gave a urine sample to be sent off for further testing.
To say that I went home feeling scared and uneasy is an understatement.
One of the most common treatment options for pre eclampsia is bed rest. But when you have a husband who is a shift worker and a child in school as well as work, best rest is pretty near impossible.
I spent the next day 48 hours wondering what was going on and feeling pretty scared that I might have PE and scared of how it was going to effect our baby and me.
So many things were going through my head, it's funny how when the doctor tells you to go home and rest and relax...it's the last thing you can actually do!
Thankfully I got a phone call today to say that the test results came back clear, however if I notice any more symptoms I'm to go in and get checked out straight away. The blood test also came back showing my hemoglobin is pretty low, so I am now back on iron tablets and hoping they will help so I can avoid iron injections.
While I'm feeling very relieved that the test came back clear, this was a scare that will not pass easily.
It's scary to think that a serious condition like pre eclampsia can be here with no obvious symptoms, no pain, no real visible signs......a very scary thought to know it can be lurking in the shadows without us knowing.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Pregnancy isn't easy......
...well not for me anyway.
I know some people glow during their pregnancy and love every bit of it, but me, well I don't glow...or at least I don't feel like I do.
It's hard to actually say out loud that I am struggling, I feel an incredible sense of guilt saying that I don't find it easy.
But the truth is that I don't find it easy, I still have horrible morning sickness, excruciating back pain to the point where I cannot walk sometimes, sever migraines which may result in me having to see a neurologist soon and I'm still trying to get my gestational diabetes under control.
On top of all of the physical things I am trying to work though some very deep emotional and psychological issues as we try to decide what kind of birth our daughter will have.
We fought so hard to get our little princess, went through so much pain and heartache and I really just want to be able to enjoy being pregnant....even if only for a week or two.
From the moment I wake up until the moment I fall asleep, I am in pain :(
People say to me 'but you finally have want you wanted" and all I can think when they say it is that infertility doesn't make being pregnant easier. If anything it makes me feel like I can't talk about it to those around me, how could I possible complain about something I've wanted for so long??
Yes, I wouldn't change it for the world but that doesn't mean that it is any easier to deal with.
The pain I feel is very real, infertility or not, that pain is here and I can't see it letting up anytime soon.
The thing that gets me though is knowing that in a few months I am going to get to hold our beautiful daughter, and that moment will be worth any pain any at :)
I know some people glow during their pregnancy and love every bit of it, but me, well I don't glow...or at least I don't feel like I do.
It's hard to actually say out loud that I am struggling, I feel an incredible sense of guilt saying that I don't find it easy.
But the truth is that I don't find it easy, I still have horrible morning sickness, excruciating back pain to the point where I cannot walk sometimes, sever migraines which may result in me having to see a neurologist soon and I'm still trying to get my gestational diabetes under control.
On top of all of the physical things I am trying to work though some very deep emotional and psychological issues as we try to decide what kind of birth our daughter will have.
We fought so hard to get our little princess, went through so much pain and heartache and I really just want to be able to enjoy being pregnant....even if only for a week or two.
From the moment I wake up until the moment I fall asleep, I am in pain :(
People say to me 'but you finally have want you wanted" and all I can think when they say it is that infertility doesn't make being pregnant easier. If anything it makes me feel like I can't talk about it to those around me, how could I possible complain about something I've wanted for so long??
Yes, I wouldn't change it for the world but that doesn't mean that it is any easier to deal with.
The pain I feel is very real, infertility or not, that pain is here and I can't see it letting up anytime soon.
The thing that gets me though is knowing that in a few months I am going to get to hold our beautiful daughter, and that moment will be worth any pain any at :)
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Our little princess
So it's been just over a week since we found out we are going to be adding a little princess our family
Monday, January 31, 2011
Reality......with a kick!
So for the last week or so I've been feeling a little bit of movement from bubs but I've just been fobbing it off as maybe it is or maybe isn't bubs, well that was until last night when that movement got a bit more frequent and a lot harder :)
It's a fantastic and reassuring feeling, every so often I get a bit of a push just to remind me that our beautiful bub is still there
It's a fantastic and reassuring feeling, every so often I get a bit of a push just to remind me that our beautiful bub is still there
Monday, January 24, 2011
The change...
I don't know when the change happened but I'm glad it did because the thoughts I'm having now leaving me smiling like the Cheshire cat :)
I am finding more often than not that I am thinking about all the little things we have to look forward to.
Like finding out if we are having a boy or girl (only 8 sleeps to go, not that I'm counting ;)
or feeling bubs kick for the first time or the first time Johnny & Jakson feel bubs kick ♥
The other things I keeping thinking about is when our beautiful little miracle comes out and joins our family, making the announcement to all our friends and family, holding bubs and smelling that newborn smell that you just can't compare to anything ♥
That feeling of complete and utter contentment that you get from holding a newborn on your chest....that's what I think about now ♥
I am finding more often than not that I am thinking about all the little things we have to look forward to.
Like finding out if we are having a boy or girl (only 8 sleeps to go, not that I'm counting ;)
or feeling bubs kick for the first time or the first time Johnny & Jakson feel bubs kick ♥
The other things I keeping thinking about is when our beautiful little miracle comes out and joins our family, making the announcement to all our friends and family, holding bubs and smelling that newborn smell that you just can't compare to anything ♥
That feeling of complete and utter contentment that you get from holding a newborn on your chest....that's what I think about now ♥
Monday, January 17, 2011
Anxiety
I know that feeling anxious is a normal part of pregnancy but I wasn't prepared for how anxious I would feel about simple things this pregnancy.
I knew that we would both feel nervous and anxious before appointments and tests but I never thought I would feel anxious about something as simple as looking or buying baby things.
Target has a baby sale on and last Thursday I thought I could go down and put lay-by some baby clothes...simple enough, right?
Well on the way there, after some tears, I realised that I couldn't do it.....well not by myself anyway.
So I called my sisters and one of them was able to come with me.
I can't really explain why I couldn't go by myself, in a way I think I needed someone there to tell me that it is ok to buy things for the baby, it's ok to let myself think about when the baby is here....it's ok to think that things will be ok
The anxiety and thoughts I was feeling was horrible, it should have been a happy and joyous trip to the shops but instead I just kept thinking of how hard we fought to get to this stage and how easily it came in the end, and how easily it can all be taken away too :(
I was scared that I was going to jinx us by buying things for the baby
I hope we can get to a place where we can shop with joy and excitement and not fear and anxiety
I knew that we would both feel nervous and anxious before appointments and tests but I never thought I would feel anxious about something as simple as looking or buying baby things.
Target has a baby sale on and last Thursday I thought I could go down and put lay-by some baby clothes...simple enough, right?
Well on the way there, after some tears, I realised that I couldn't do it.....well not by myself anyway.
So I called my sisters and one of them was able to come with me.
I can't really explain why I couldn't go by myself, in a way I think I needed someone there to tell me that it is ok to buy things for the baby, it's ok to let myself think about when the baby is here....it's ok to think that things will be ok
The anxiety and thoughts I was feeling was horrible, it should have been a happy and joyous trip to the shops but instead I just kept thinking of how hard we fought to get to this stage and how easily it came in the end, and how easily it can all be taken away too :(
I was scared that I was going to jinx us by buying things for the baby
I hope we can get to a place where we can shop with joy and excitement and not fear and anxiety
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Finally here
I'm happy to say that I am now 15 weeks pregnant and looking forward to finding out if we are having a boy or a girl soon ♥
I'm also very happy to say that I feel like I'm starting to bond with our baby now.
For me, I think the things that have helped is watching Johnny or Jakson rub or kiss my belly or talk to bubs.
I see that they love baby and I've allowed myself to know that it's ok for me to love bubs too.
I have finally allowed myself to know that just because so many things went wrong while trying to conceive bubs (who my mum has affectionately nicknamed 'Peanut') it doesn't mean that I have to have my defenses up or try to prepare myself for the worst, it's ok to believe that everything will go well and will we finally get our much loved baby at the end of all of this.
I am finally allowing myself to live in the now, not in the past or the future but in the right here and now....a place where I am happy, a place where I am pregnant, a place where we can prepare for a new addition to our family..... a place I have wanted to be at for so long, well I'm finally here :)
I'm also very happy to say that I feel like I'm starting to bond with our baby now.
For me, I think the things that have helped is watching Johnny or Jakson rub or kiss my belly or talk to bubs.
I see that they love baby and I've allowed myself to know that it's ok for me to love bubs too.
I have finally allowed myself to know that just because so many things went wrong while trying to conceive bubs (who my mum has affectionately nicknamed 'Peanut') it doesn't mean that I have to have my defenses up or try to prepare myself for the worst, it's ok to believe that everything will go well and will we finally get our much loved baby at the end of all of this.
I am finally allowing myself to live in the now, not in the past or the future but in the right here and now....a place where I am happy, a place where I am pregnant, a place where we can prepare for a new addition to our family..... a place I have wanted to be at for so long, well I'm finally here :)
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