Reality......with a kick!

So for the last week or so I've been feeling a little bit of movement from bubs but I've just been fobbing it off as maybe it is or maybe isn't bubs, well that was until last night when that movement got a bit more frequent and a lot harder :)

It's a fantastic and reassuring feeling, every so often I get a bit of a push just to remind me that our beautiful bub is still there ♥


However with this amazing feeling also comes the reality that for the next 20 or so weeks I will be very conscious of how much bubs is moving and if bubs is having a bit of a rest day.... I know I won't feel rested, I will anxious and worried until they start to move again




But that feeling of anxiousness is a small price to pay for getting to experience the amazing and beautiful feeling of carrying a child within you ♥

The change...

I don't know when the change happened but I'm glad it did because the thoughts I'm having now leaving me smiling like the Cheshire cat :)

I am finding more often than not that I am thinking about all the little things we have to look forward to.
Like finding out if we are having a boy or girl (only 8 sleeps to go, not that I'm counting ;)
or feeling bubs kick for the first time or the first time Johnny & Jakson feel bubs kick ♥

The other things I keeping thinking about is when our beautiful little miracle comes out and joins our family, making the announcement to all our friends and family, holding bubs and smelling that newborn smell that you just can't compare to anything ♥


That feeling of complete and utter contentment that you get from holding a newborn on your chest....that's what I think about now  ♥

Anxiety

I know that feeling anxious is a normal part of pregnancy but I wasn't prepared for how anxious I would feel about simple things this pregnancy.

I knew that we would both feel nervous and anxious before appointments and tests but I never thought I would feel anxious about something as simple as looking or buying baby things.

Target has a baby sale on and last Thursday I thought I could go down and put lay-by some baby clothes...simple enough, right?

Well on the way there, after some tears, I realised that I couldn't do it.....well not by myself anyway.
So I called my sisters and one of them was able to come with me.

I can't really explain why I couldn't go by myself, in a way I think I needed someone there to tell me that it is ok to buy things for the baby, it's ok to let myself think about when the baby is here....it's ok to think that things will be ok


The anxiety and thoughts I was feeling was horrible, it should have been a happy and joyous trip to the shops but instead I just kept thinking of how hard we fought to get to this stage and how easily it came in the end, and how easily it can all be taken away too :(
I was scared that I was going to jinx us by buying things for the baby



I hope we can get to a place where we can shop with joy and excitement and not fear and anxiety

Finally here

I'm happy to say that I am now 15 weeks pregnant and looking forward to finding out if we are having a boy or a girl soon ♥

I'm also very happy to say that I feel like I'm starting to bond with our baby now.
For me, I think the things that have helped is watching Johnny or Jakson rub or kiss my belly or talk to bubs.

I see that they love baby and I've allowed myself to know that it's ok for me to love bubs too.


I have finally allowed myself to know that just because so many things went wrong while trying to conceive bubs (who my mum has affectionately nicknamed 'Peanut') it doesn't mean that I have to have my defenses up or try to prepare myself for the worst, it's ok to believe that everything will go well and will we finally get our much loved baby at the end of all of this.


I am finally allowing myself to live in the now, not in the past or the future but in the right here and now....a place where I am happy, a place where I am pregnant, a place where we can prepare for a new addition to our family..... a place I have wanted to be at for so long, well I'm finally here :)