I invested so much emotional energy into getting pregnant, I don't think I left anything for when I actually did fall pregnant.
Now maybe it's just that it's early in the pregnancy or that I am physically very exhausted from it so far (anemia and horrible morning sickness have left me pretty weak) but I kind of feel emotionally bankrupt at the moment.
Things that would normally upset me, don't even register on my radar at the moment.
Things that would normally leave me feeling excited and happy, while I am a bit excited & happy, it's no where I would normally be.
I want to be feeling things but I just don't have the energy. Over the past three years I have cried pretty much every day, however I couldn't tell you the last time I cried lately.
It's not that there haven't been things to make me cry, I've seen both my son and husband very upset (this would normally be enough to make me bawl my eyes out) I've read sad article in the news, watched sad things on TV....normally just watching ads on TV makes me cry! lol
I scared that this will continue and I won't be able to bond with my baby while I'm pregnant.
I'm hoping this is not the case and at least by the time I can feel the baby kicking I will have started to bond with it.
So much time and energy (physically, emotionally, psychologically) went in to getting to this stage, I don't think I was ready for what would happen after we got pregnant.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
Just a random post
Just a bit of a random post about something I've been thinking about
All throughout our struggle we were always told of "those stories", you know the ones where the person tried everything medically (both western and Asian/Chinese medicine) and as soon as they stopped it all and either took a break or "relaxed" they fell pregnant.
Now I know for some people these stories may have helped but I hated hearing them, nearly as much as I hated hearing that all we had to do was relax, take a break or that it would happen when the time was right.
For me, while these stories are nice and I am excited for the people it happened for, I never ever imagined we would be one of them.
Hearing people tell me these stories of people they know always frustrated me. I always felt as though our struggles were being somewhat disregarded or that we were being over dramatic and that as soon as we just let thing happen it would work out for us.
And now we are one of those stories.
We tried for three and a half years, had many tests, tried many drugs and even IVF only to fall pregnant naturally.
I hope when people hear our story it won't upset them, although I'm sure for the ones it does they will still put on the brave face and thank the person for sharing, just like I did and than go home and either yell, cry or just want to punch something!
While relaxing is always going to be good for the body, it is not a cure for infertility.
One of the things we have heard a lot of since announcing we are pregnant is "see I told you all you needed to do was to relax" I don't know why people suddenly think we were relaxing??
In fact the month we fall pregnant was a particularly stressful month for us, definitely not relaxing!
I wish the cure for infertility was something as simple as just relaxing. If that were the case instead of spending the thousands and thousands of dollars that we have on medical treatment, we would have spent it on a nice holiday where we could have just relaxed on the beach ;)
All throughout our struggle we were always told of "those stories", you know the ones where the person tried everything medically (both western and Asian/Chinese medicine) and as soon as they stopped it all and either took a break or "relaxed" they fell pregnant.
Now I know for some people these stories may have helped but I hated hearing them, nearly as much as I hated hearing that all we had to do was relax, take a break or that it would happen when the time was right.
For me, while these stories are nice and I am excited for the people it happened for, I never ever imagined we would be one of them.
Hearing people tell me these stories of people they know always frustrated me. I always felt as though our struggles were being somewhat disregarded or that we were being over dramatic and that as soon as we just let thing happen it would work out for us.
And now we are one of those stories.
We tried for three and a half years, had many tests, tried many drugs and even IVF only to fall pregnant naturally.
I hope when people hear our story it won't upset them, although I'm sure for the ones it does they will still put on the brave face and thank the person for sharing, just like I did and than go home and either yell, cry or just want to punch something!
While relaxing is always going to be good for the body, it is not a cure for infertility.
One of the things we have heard a lot of since announcing we are pregnant is "see I told you all you needed to do was to relax" I don't know why people suddenly think we were relaxing??
In fact the month we fall pregnant was a particularly stressful month for us, definitely not relaxing!
I wish the cure for infertility was something as simple as just relaxing. If that were the case instead of spending the thousands and thousands of dollars that we have on medical treatment, we would have spent it on a nice holiday where we could have just relaxed on the beach ;)
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Hello December!
So December has finally fallen upon us and it won't be long until Christmas is knocking at our door!
I love Christmas, I love everything about it :)
I am so grateful that even through our hard times over the past three and a half years, we have had Jakson to make Christmas special.
I know many friends out there at the moment who are not only going to find Christmas hard but the lead up to Christmas. All the families in the shops, the decorations and all things festive that fill our shops, streets and homes.
Over the past year I have had friends suffer miscarriages, go through the tragedy of watching their child become an angle in heaven, have relationship breakdowns, and go through many unsuccessful IVF attempts.
I wish there was something I could do to make it magically better for them all. I wish I could tell them it's going to be ok, but I can't say that because I don't know.
I want to be able to enjoy Christmas as a pregnant lady, I want to rub my belly and show it off as it grows but I am very conscious as to how hurtful it can be for those around me.
Even something as simple as Facebook always puts me in a bit of a dilemma. I want to be able to share our progress with everyone, but I also know what it is like to see pregnancy updates when you are sitting there in tears thinking it may never happen for you.
I hate to admit it but I did 'hide' friends on Facebook that were pregnant, just because I couldn't bare to see their pregnancy updates. As much as I wanted to share in it with them and be joyous, my own bitterness and fear stopped me from doing that.
I have thought about blocking some friends from seeing my pregnancy posts, but I know it's not my place to try and protect others. However I would not be offended at all if they were to hide my posts to protect themselves.
I hope that no matter what people are going through, they are able to find some joy during this time. Something to make them smile, laugh and even if just for a few minutes, something to make them forget the hard time they are going through.
I love Christmas, I love everything about it :)
I am so grateful that even through our hard times over the past three and a half years, we have had Jakson to make Christmas special.
I know many friends out there at the moment who are not only going to find Christmas hard but the lead up to Christmas. All the families in the shops, the decorations and all things festive that fill our shops, streets and homes.
Over the past year I have had friends suffer miscarriages, go through the tragedy of watching their child become an angle in heaven, have relationship breakdowns, and go through many unsuccessful IVF attempts.
I wish there was something I could do to make it magically better for them all. I wish I could tell them it's going to be ok, but I can't say that because I don't know.
I want to be able to enjoy Christmas as a pregnant lady, I want to rub my belly and show it off as it grows but I am very conscious as to how hurtful it can be for those around me.
Even something as simple as Facebook always puts me in a bit of a dilemma. I want to be able to share our progress with everyone, but I also know what it is like to see pregnancy updates when you are sitting there in tears thinking it may never happen for you.
I hate to admit it but I did 'hide' friends on Facebook that were pregnant, just because I couldn't bare to see their pregnancy updates. As much as I wanted to share in it with them and be joyous, my own bitterness and fear stopped me from doing that.
I have thought about blocking some friends from seeing my pregnancy posts, but I know it's not my place to try and protect others. However I would not be offended at all if they were to hide my posts to protect themselves.
I hope that no matter what people are going through, they are able to find some joy during this time. Something to make them smile, laugh and even if just for a few minutes, something to make them forget the hard time they are going through.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Thankful for morning sickness
Morning sickness (well actually all day sickness ;) is horrible but I wouldn't change a thing about it!
In fact, I am so incredible thankful for it. It's a symptom of pregnancy and a constant reminder and comfort that I am pregnant.
Today while out shopping I got a phone call from my doctors clinic asking me to come in as soon as possible to discuss my blood test results. Of course you never think that they want you to come in to tell you how good your cholesterol is, it's always going to be to discuss something of concern.
The first available appointment was at 4.15pm, 3 hours away.
So we had 3 hours to stress about all the 'what if's'
I kept telling myself that it has to be ok because I'm still nauseous, and throwing up nearly every meal so that has to be a good sign.
It was comforting to know that I still have morning sickness, because if that were to go away..well than I would really worry :(
Luckily for me my results weren't too concerning, I'm anemic but that is something that I can work at fixing.
I really wish they hadn't made it sound so urgent on the phone because those three hours of waiting were not nice at all!
It's weird that something like morning sickness that controls a lot of my life at the moment is actually something I don't want to live without, well at least until I can feel the baby kicking :)
In fact, I am so incredible thankful for it. It's a symptom of pregnancy and a constant reminder and comfort that I am pregnant.
Today while out shopping I got a phone call from my doctors clinic asking me to come in as soon as possible to discuss my blood test results. Of course you never think that they want you to come in to tell you how good your cholesterol is, it's always going to be to discuss something of concern.
The first available appointment was at 4.15pm, 3 hours away.
So we had 3 hours to stress about all the 'what if's'
I kept telling myself that it has to be ok because I'm still nauseous, and throwing up nearly every meal so that has to be a good sign.
It was comforting to know that I still have morning sickness, because if that were to go away..well than I would really worry :(
Luckily for me my results weren't too concerning, I'm anemic but that is something that I can work at fixing.
I really wish they hadn't made it sound so urgent on the phone because those three hours of waiting were not nice at all!
It's weird that something like morning sickness that controls a lot of my life at the moment is actually something I don't want to live without, well at least until I can feel the baby kicking :)
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Happiness and guilt
Today was an exciting day but also a day that I felt incredible guilt.
It was the day that we had our appointment with or fertility specialist to tell her that we are pregnant.
We decided to make an appointment and go and tell her face to face rather than over the phone because she has been the one to help and support us and the one who has had to give us all of our bad news so far.
Now it was our turn to share some news, some good news.
I was super excited to be going in and telling her but as soon as we got to the clinic and sat down in the waiting room I started to feel really nervous and guilty.
Feeling guilty isn't something new, I usually feel guilty when I am there.
I feel guilty because we already have a child, we have already been blessed and others who were in the waiting room hadn't got to experience that yet.
Today I sat there thinking just how many couples would sit in that waiting area each week. I thought about all the different stages they would all be at. Some would be there for their first appointment, some there waiting to start IVF, waiting for scans or test results or there (like we once were) to find out why IVF didn't work.
And there I was sitting there waiting to go in and say that we had been blessed once again, and once again we were lucky enough for it to happen naturally.
I felt incredible guilty and sad because I know that for some of these couples, they will never get to experience what we have. It's heartbreaking and devastating. A thought that for most people is inconceivable, I know for me it was.
I thought about how many couples our specialist would have had to give bad news too and how awesome it would be to tell her our good news.
And it was, we went in there and Jakson told her that 'mummy has a baby in her tummy' the look on her face was fantastic :)
We than had a chat and for the first time I was able to just chat with her, nice and relaxed...it was nice, really nice.
It was the day that we had our appointment with or fertility specialist to tell her that we are pregnant.
We decided to make an appointment and go and tell her face to face rather than over the phone because she has been the one to help and support us and the one who has had to give us all of our bad news so far.
Now it was our turn to share some news, some good news.
I was super excited to be going in and telling her but as soon as we got to the clinic and sat down in the waiting room I started to feel really nervous and guilty.
Feeling guilty isn't something new, I usually feel guilty when I am there.
I feel guilty because we already have a child, we have already been blessed and others who were in the waiting room hadn't got to experience that yet.
Today I sat there thinking just how many couples would sit in that waiting area each week. I thought about all the different stages they would all be at. Some would be there for their first appointment, some there waiting to start IVF, waiting for scans or test results or there (like we once were) to find out why IVF didn't work.
And there I was sitting there waiting to go in and say that we had been blessed once again, and once again we were lucky enough for it to happen naturally.
I felt incredible guilty and sad because I know that for some of these couples, they will never get to experience what we have. It's heartbreaking and devastating. A thought that for most people is inconceivable, I know for me it was.
I thought about how many couples our specialist would have had to give bad news too and how awesome it would be to tell her our good news.
And it was, we went in there and Jakson told her that 'mummy has a baby in her tummy' the look on her face was fantastic :)
We than had a chat and for the first time I was able to just chat with her, nice and relaxed...it was nice, really nice.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Christmas Eve, 2004
It was Christmas Eve 2004 and I was nearly 12 weeks pregnant. We were at my mother in laws house for dinner when while sitting on the couch I felt a bit strange. I went to the toilet and saw blood everywhere :(
It was all over my pants, my underwear and my legs...the fear I felt in that split second is something I never wanted to feel again.
I went straight out and told Johnny and we left immediately to go to the emergency room.
We got there and they took us straight in and got the portable ultrasound machine, now this machine was so old that the doctor had to keep tapping the screen to stop it from cutting out!
But no matter how old the machine was, we were grateful because it showed us that our baby was alive and ok.
From that day on until the day Jakson was born, I had bleeding everyday. Not a lot, but at least some bleeding everyday. It was scary, I was monitored closely but in the end they could never tell me a reason as to why I was bleeding.
I lived with a constant fear that I would have another big bleed and that it would be game over :(
Fast forward to Sunday, November 7th 2010. I am about 6 or 7 weeks pregnant and getting ready to go to my nieces 13th birthday party, I went to the toilet and saw blood. Again, the sense of fear completely overwhelmed me.
This time though, I didn't tell Johnny. I monitored myself for the next couple hours to see if there would be anymore. When there was more, I than told Johnny.
The look on his face, the slump of his body....it's something I won't forget. You could physically see the fear come over him.
Being a Sunday night we didn't think there was much that could be done in the Emergency Room.
We were due to have a scan on the following day to see what gestation I am and what our due date would be.
So we decided to hold off going to the ER, to just monitor the blood loss and if it got any worse or I had any other symptoms that might indicate a miscarriage, than we would go to the ER.
We went to our niece's birthday and luckily we didn't have any more bleeding, so we decided to wait for our first ultra scan at 4pm on the Monday.
Monday, what a nervous day that was. Jakson was super excited to be coming to see his baby brother or sister and we were filled with fear at the possibility something could be wrong.
We didn't have to wait long to go in, only a few minutes which was good.
I told the sonographer about our little scare and past history with Jakson's pregnancy.
I lay down on the bed and the songorapher began the scan. First he said he could see a pregnancy sack, which was a huge relief (I hadn't just imagined this pregnancy in my head!) and than I looked at Johnny as the sonographer said the words we were waiting to hear 'there is the heartbeat, you have a live pregnancy'
Just as I saw the physically changes in Johnny's body when the fear came, now I got to see the exact opposite.
I saw his whole body relax, I saw a smile come on his face...I watched as he pointed out the heartbeat to Jakson ♥♥♥
I think I will always have it in the back of my head that it could end at any time, and I hate that I have no control over that.
But what I do have control over is what I can enjoy, and I will enjoy this pregnancy.
I have been extremely exhausted, had horrible morning/all day sickness and now have only 3 pairs of pants that fit me, lol, but I will enjoy all of that because in the blink of an eye it could all be over.
We have fought to hard to get to this stage and I am going to make sure that I appreciate and love every minute of it.
oh, and our due date is June 28th, 2011 :)
It was all over my pants, my underwear and my legs...the fear I felt in that split second is something I never wanted to feel again.
I went straight out and told Johnny and we left immediately to go to the emergency room.
We got there and they took us straight in and got the portable ultrasound machine, now this machine was so old that the doctor had to keep tapping the screen to stop it from cutting out!
But no matter how old the machine was, we were grateful because it showed us that our baby was alive and ok.
From that day on until the day Jakson was born, I had bleeding everyday. Not a lot, but at least some bleeding everyday. It was scary, I was monitored closely but in the end they could never tell me a reason as to why I was bleeding.
I lived with a constant fear that I would have another big bleed and that it would be game over :(
Fast forward to Sunday, November 7th 2010. I am about 6 or 7 weeks pregnant and getting ready to go to my nieces 13th birthday party, I went to the toilet and saw blood. Again, the sense of fear completely overwhelmed me.
This time though, I didn't tell Johnny. I monitored myself for the next couple hours to see if there would be anymore. When there was more, I than told Johnny.
The look on his face, the slump of his body....it's something I won't forget. You could physically see the fear come over him.
Being a Sunday night we didn't think there was much that could be done in the Emergency Room.
We were due to have a scan on the following day to see what gestation I am and what our due date would be.
So we decided to hold off going to the ER, to just monitor the blood loss and if it got any worse or I had any other symptoms that might indicate a miscarriage, than we would go to the ER.
We went to our niece's birthday and luckily we didn't have any more bleeding, so we decided to wait for our first ultra scan at 4pm on the Monday.
Monday, what a nervous day that was. Jakson was super excited to be coming to see his baby brother or sister and we were filled with fear at the possibility something could be wrong.
We didn't have to wait long to go in, only a few minutes which was good.
I told the sonographer about our little scare and past history with Jakson's pregnancy.
I lay down on the bed and the songorapher began the scan. First he said he could see a pregnancy sack, which was a huge relief (I hadn't just imagined this pregnancy in my head!) and than I looked at Johnny as the sonographer said the words we were waiting to hear 'there is the heartbeat, you have a live pregnancy'
Just as I saw the physically changes in Johnny's body when the fear came, now I got to see the exact opposite.
I saw his whole body relax, I saw a smile come on his face...I watched as he pointed out the heartbeat to Jakson ♥♥♥
I think I will always have it in the back of my head that it could end at any time, and I hate that I have no control over that.
But what I do have control over is what I can enjoy, and I will enjoy this pregnancy.
I have been extremely exhausted, had horrible morning/all day sickness and now have only 3 pairs of pants that fit me, lol, but I will enjoy all of that because in the blink of an eye it could all be over.
We have fought to hard to get to this stage and I am going to make sure that I appreciate and love every minute of it.
oh, and our due date is June 28th, 2011 :)
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Our little miracle
Well I can't believe that I am posting this, but after a trip to the doctors this morning I left with confirmation that I am in fact pregnant!!
It still feels like a dream, I just cannot believe that we are finally pregnant!
So let me tell you how we came to find this out...
My period was about a week late but I thought it was just because I had had surgery and that may have put a little bump in the road and delayed it a bit.
Than on Saturday Johnny, Jakson and myself were out shopping and we had lunch at the food court. I had one of my favs, spinach and pumpkin gnocchi and was feeling really queasy when I finished it. I've never felt sick after eating it before so that kind of got me thinking that maybe my period wasn't just late, maybe it wasn't coming at all!
I started thinking about all the other pregnancy symptoms that I had put down stress or because of the surgery. As I have had these thoughts (over analysing symptoms) before I quickly pushed them out of my head.
Than driving home we were sitting at the traffic lights and I quickly had to grab a travel sick bag as I was about to throw up. That got me thinking even more that just maybe it might be real symptoms.
We went and did some grocery shopping and when we got home I found a pregnancy test my sister had given me. I had just put it in the cupboard (thinking I would never see those two positive lines on it) and I thought what they hell, might as well do it.
So I did the test and those two lines came up immediately, I have never ever been so shocked in my life! I just started screaming for Johnny to come.
He came running to the toilet thinking I saw a spider and I started waving the test at him saying 'look at this, look at this' the poor thing had no idea what I was waving at him, lol
So I told him that it's a positive pregnancy test!!
I grabbed the box and checked the use by date of the test, it was still well within the use by date.
We were both so scared that it was a false positive. We went straight down to the supermarket and bought 2 more boxes of tests (3 more tests in total) on the way home I kept saying to myself, please be able to wee, please wee LOL
Got home as I sat on the toilet urging my body to pee, I've never wanted to be able to pee so much as that moment than :)
So I finally did the three new tests and they all came back positive, we were stunned, shocked, scared, elated, excited...so many things
We weren't sure if we should tell Jakson or not, we weren't sure if we should tell anyone.
But I knew I had to tell someone and said to Johnny that I wanted to go over to my sisters and tell her.
We excitedly drove over to her house and told her our good news, the look on her face was like she had seen a ghost! She started shaking and screaming, Johnny grabbed her 2months old daughter that she was holding cause he thought se was going to drop her! lol
Once she finally calmed down and we were able to tell her we're not joking the look of joy was unforgettable
We had said that we were going to wait until after seeing the doctor to tell anyone else but Johnny said that we had told my little sis, so we had to tell my mum and big sis too.
We all went over to mums and my little sister secretly video taped me telling mum. I have not seen my mum jump up like that in my life! lol
And the hug, I think I'm still hurting from being hugged so tightly.
On the car ride over to my big sisters house we decided that we would tell Jakson and he can tell his aunty and cousins.
We got to her house but she wasn't home :( it was so hard not to tell her over the phone, but I knew I wanted to see the look on her face.
Back at home we sat down with Jakson and told him he was going to be a big brother! He was so excited that he jumped up and did a happy dance, lol
He had so many questions for us and just kept telling us how happy he is to be a big brother and how it was his little sister in my tummy ♥
I asked him if he wanted to go see his aunty and tell her and he was very excited to do that.
So we got in the car again, I was already feeling exhausted from all the driving and telling people but off we went to her house again.
This time we knew she was on her way home but Jakson couldn't hold it in and told his older cousin who was home. Than as soon as my sister pulled up in the drive way Jakson ran out and said "I have some exciting news, mummy has a baby in her tummy"
My sister stood there frozen just looking at me for confirmation, when I smiled and said it's true she ran and hugged me :)
It was so good to be able to see all the reactions of our family, when we were pregnant with Jakson we rang everyone to tell them so this time it was different.
I just couldn't hold it in anymore and tried to contact a good friend but her phone wasn't working so I had to wait for her to jump on FB to get my message. I just sat there refreshing the page every 15 seconds until I saw I had a message back from her, lol
Once I had told her I than jumped onto the parenting forum that has given me so much support, advice and help over the years and posted that I was in fact pregnant and that it had all happened naturally...no drugs, injections and no IVF....completely naturally!
Both Johnny and I were so overwhelmed with the number of replies we got on there to our announcement, we are very touched that so many people took the time to congratulate us :)
On Sunday Johnny rang his family and told them and that I posted it on FB and once again the replies blew us away!
My phone did not stop ringing and getting message, I still don't know if I have replied to everyone LOL
Yesterday (Monday) I went to the doctors and had my blood test and than today I got the results that my hormone level is perfect for my gestation.
I'm still not sure what my due date is, I forgot to as the doctor but it is in late June sometime which makes me about 5 weeks pregnant.
To say we are overjoyed is an understatement, it's still so hard to believe that after three and a half years and many drugs, injections and IVF..we have fallen pregnant naturally ♥♥♥
It still feels like a dream, I just cannot believe that we are finally pregnant!
So let me tell you how we came to find this out...
My period was about a week late but I thought it was just because I had had surgery and that may have put a little bump in the road and delayed it a bit.
Than on Saturday Johnny, Jakson and myself were out shopping and we had lunch at the food court. I had one of my favs, spinach and pumpkin gnocchi and was feeling really queasy when I finished it. I've never felt sick after eating it before so that kind of got me thinking that maybe my period wasn't just late, maybe it wasn't coming at all!
I started thinking about all the other pregnancy symptoms that I had put down stress or because of the surgery. As I have had these thoughts (over analysing symptoms) before I quickly pushed them out of my head.
Than driving home we were sitting at the traffic lights and I quickly had to grab a travel sick bag as I was about to throw up. That got me thinking even more that just maybe it might be real symptoms.
We went and did some grocery shopping and when we got home I found a pregnancy test my sister had given me. I had just put it in the cupboard (thinking I would never see those two positive lines on it) and I thought what they hell, might as well do it.
So I did the test and those two lines came up immediately, I have never ever been so shocked in my life! I just started screaming for Johnny to come.
He came running to the toilet thinking I saw a spider and I started waving the test at him saying 'look at this, look at this' the poor thing had no idea what I was waving at him, lol
So I told him that it's a positive pregnancy test!!
I grabbed the box and checked the use by date of the test, it was still well within the use by date.
We were both so scared that it was a false positive. We went straight down to the supermarket and bought 2 more boxes of tests (3 more tests in total) on the way home I kept saying to myself, please be able to wee, please wee LOL
Got home as I sat on the toilet urging my body to pee, I've never wanted to be able to pee so much as that moment than :)
So I finally did the three new tests and they all came back positive, we were stunned, shocked, scared, elated, excited...so many things
We weren't sure if we should tell Jakson or not, we weren't sure if we should tell anyone.
But I knew I had to tell someone and said to Johnny that I wanted to go over to my sisters and tell her.
We excitedly drove over to her house and told her our good news, the look on her face was like she had seen a ghost! She started shaking and screaming, Johnny grabbed her 2months old daughter that she was holding cause he thought se was going to drop her! lol
Once she finally calmed down and we were able to tell her we're not joking the look of joy was unforgettable
We had said that we were going to wait until after seeing the doctor to tell anyone else but Johnny said that we had told my little sis, so we had to tell my mum and big sis too.
We all went over to mums and my little sister secretly video taped me telling mum. I have not seen my mum jump up like that in my life! lol
And the hug, I think I'm still hurting from being hugged so tightly.
On the car ride over to my big sisters house we decided that we would tell Jakson and he can tell his aunty and cousins.
We got to her house but she wasn't home :( it was so hard not to tell her over the phone, but I knew I wanted to see the look on her face.
Back at home we sat down with Jakson and told him he was going to be a big brother! He was so excited that he jumped up and did a happy dance, lol
He had so many questions for us and just kept telling us how happy he is to be a big brother and how it was his little sister in my tummy ♥
I asked him if he wanted to go see his aunty and tell her and he was very excited to do that.
So we got in the car again, I was already feeling exhausted from all the driving and telling people but off we went to her house again.
This time we knew she was on her way home but Jakson couldn't hold it in and told his older cousin who was home. Than as soon as my sister pulled up in the drive way Jakson ran out and said "I have some exciting news, mummy has a baby in her tummy"
My sister stood there frozen just looking at me for confirmation, when I smiled and said it's true she ran and hugged me :)
It was so good to be able to see all the reactions of our family, when we were pregnant with Jakson we rang everyone to tell them so this time it was different.
I just couldn't hold it in anymore and tried to contact a good friend but her phone wasn't working so I had to wait for her to jump on FB to get my message. I just sat there refreshing the page every 15 seconds until I saw I had a message back from her, lol
Once I had told her I than jumped onto the parenting forum that has given me so much support, advice and help over the years and posted that I was in fact pregnant and that it had all happened naturally...no drugs, injections and no IVF....completely naturally!
Both Johnny and I were so overwhelmed with the number of replies we got on there to our announcement, we are very touched that so many people took the time to congratulate us :)
On Sunday Johnny rang his family and told them and that I posted it on FB and once again the replies blew us away!
My phone did not stop ringing and getting message, I still don't know if I have replied to everyone LOL
Yesterday (Monday) I went to the doctors and had my blood test and than today I got the results that my hormone level is perfect for my gestation.
I'm still not sure what my due date is, I forgot to as the doctor but it is in late June sometime which makes me about 5 weeks pregnant.
To say we are overjoyed is an understatement, it's still so hard to believe that after three and a half years and many drugs, injections and IVF..we have fallen pregnant naturally ♥♥♥
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Did you know?
Did/do you know how common infertility, miscarriage, still birth and other pregnancy complications are?
In your teens your told never to have sex or you'll get pregnant, than you spend your early adult life trying to not fall pregnant and than when you are finally ready to start a family and want to fall pregnant there are all these unexpected obstacles you have to get past.
There are lost of statistics out there, apparently about one in four known pregnancy end in miscarriage and one in 200 are still born (born after 20 weeks), there really aren't that many stats out there for couple who need help to conceive (I've been told it's about one in every four couples) when you think about all these stats, it's amazing how uninformed many people are.
I was one of these uninformed people, I wasn't naive to the fact that these things happen but I was naive to how many people they happen to, that was until I got on the Internet and joined some forums and it would become a regular occurrence that people would post about their trouble to conceive, having to go through assisted conception (such as IVF) and losing their child (miscarriage, still birth or only a few weeks old)...all of these stories are just heartbreaking but with each story my eyes were opened wider and wider to just how hard it is and just how real it is.
I often wonder if people knew how hard the road ahead would they still travel it?
I am a strong believer in whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I really hope this is the case for all out there who have had to go through infertility, miscarriage and the loss of a child.
In your teens your told never to have sex or you'll get pregnant, than you spend your early adult life trying to not fall pregnant and than when you are finally ready to start a family and want to fall pregnant there are all these unexpected obstacles you have to get past.
There are lost of statistics out there, apparently about one in four known pregnancy end in miscarriage and one in 200 are still born (born after 20 weeks), there really aren't that many stats out there for couple who need help to conceive (I've been told it's about one in every four couples) when you think about all these stats, it's amazing how uninformed many people are.
I was one of these uninformed people, I wasn't naive to the fact that these things happen but I was naive to how many people they happen to, that was until I got on the Internet and joined some forums and it would become a regular occurrence that people would post about their trouble to conceive, having to go through assisted conception (such as IVF) and losing their child (miscarriage, still birth or only a few weeks old)...all of these stories are just heartbreaking but with each story my eyes were opened wider and wider to just how hard it is and just how real it is.
I often wonder if people knew how hard the road ahead would they still travel it?
I am a strong believer in whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I really hope this is the case for all out there who have had to go through infertility, miscarriage and the loss of a child.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Being afraid
The thought of doing IVF again makes me feel ill :(
It's hard to explain why, probably because I don't really understand why myself.
Now I'm not talking about the thought of trying to fall pregnant, being pregnant or having another baby, I am talking solely about IVF.
It's not the drugs, procedures or the process of IVF that scares me but the outcome. I'm not scared of it failing again, I now know not to get my hopes up but if I were to be honest I think what I am most scared about and what makes me feel ill is what if I fail again?
Last time it was my body that let us down, my body that despite all the drugs could only produce one egg....what if that happens again? what if the answer we get to all of this is that my body is the one that is the problem?
As much as I hated being in the 'unexplained infertility' category, I didn't feel like it was all my fault.
There could have been a many different reasons as to why we still weren't pregnant, but if I can't produce eggs than I am going to know it's me.
If we were to find out tomorrow that we couldn't fall pregnant because of Johnny's sperm, there is absolutely no way I would blame him but when it comes to me, I am a lot harsher.
For so long I wanted answers, now it's the answers I'm afraid off
It's hard to explain why, probably because I don't really understand why myself.
Now I'm not talking about the thought of trying to fall pregnant, being pregnant or having another baby, I am talking solely about IVF.
It's not the drugs, procedures or the process of IVF that scares me but the outcome. I'm not scared of it failing again, I now know not to get my hopes up but if I were to be honest I think what I am most scared about and what makes me feel ill is what if I fail again?
Last time it was my body that let us down, my body that despite all the drugs could only produce one egg....what if that happens again? what if the answer we get to all of this is that my body is the one that is the problem?
As much as I hated being in the 'unexplained infertility' category, I didn't feel like it was all my fault.
There could have been a many different reasons as to why we still weren't pregnant, but if I can't produce eggs than I am going to know it's me.
If we were to find out tomorrow that we couldn't fall pregnant because of Johnny's sperm, there is absolutely no way I would blame him but when it comes to me, I am a lot harsher.
For so long I wanted answers, now it's the answers I'm afraid off
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
A sad reminder
The shops are starting to fill with all things Christmas, which is something I usually love seeing but I had a moment today where I was taken back to this time last year...
I was shopping for Christmas stockings to be able to hang up, one for Jakson, Johnny, me and I was also looking for one to buy as an extra because by Christmas 2010 we would surely have another addition in our family.
How wrong I was. At this time last year I would never ever had thought that we would be at the stage of IVF, let alone having gone through an unsuccessful IVF cycle.
It was hard when I walked into the shop today and turned down the aisle that had the Christmas stockings, I really was taken right back to the day I was shopping for them and how determined I was to find 4 that I liked so we would have one for the baby.....the excitement I felt that I would have a baby by this Christmas, I wish I could feel that excitement again, I wish I could be sure we will have a baby by Christmas 2011....but I'm really not sure of anything anymore.
I was shopping for Christmas stockings to be able to hang up, one for Jakson, Johnny, me and I was also looking for one to buy as an extra because by Christmas 2010 we would surely have another addition in our family.
How wrong I was. At this time last year I would never ever had thought that we would be at the stage of IVF, let alone having gone through an unsuccessful IVF cycle.
It was hard when I walked into the shop today and turned down the aisle that had the Christmas stockings, I really was taken right back to the day I was shopping for them and how determined I was to find 4 that I liked so we would have one for the baby.....the excitement I felt that I would have a baby by this Christmas, I wish I could feel that excitement again, I wish I could be sure we will have a baby by Christmas 2011....but I'm really not sure of anything anymore.
Monday, October 11, 2010
The festive season
I hate that the very fast approaching festive season is going to be hard for so many out there.
It is times like this that I am so very thankful I have Jakson to direct a lot of my energy too and keep me distracted from the fact that this will be our 4th Christmas without being pregnant.
But for many out there, they are not as lucky as us to have a child to help them through this time.
It breaks my heart to know that friends and loved ones are going to be going through a hard time over Christmas :(
And I know that there is nothing I can do to make it better for them, I can offer help, give support and let them know I am here if needed but nothing I can do will ease that pain.
I think Christmas is one of the the more difficult times to get through.
Most people who celebrate Christmas know it to be a family time full of love, happiness, laughter and gatherings. It is also a time that starts early (there are already Christmas decorations filling the shops!) so it's not just one day you have to get through, it's weeks and weeks.
So to all our friends and loved ones out there who are going to find this festive season and new year a difficult time (whether it be due to miscarriage, loss of a child, infertility or for whatever reason) know that you are in our thoughts and hearts and we hope you find something that will make it a little easier to get through and hopefully feel some happiness and enjoy some laughs ♥♥
It is times like this that I am so very thankful I have Jakson to direct a lot of my energy too and keep me distracted from the fact that this will be our 4th Christmas without being pregnant.
But for many out there, they are not as lucky as us to have a child to help them through this time.
It breaks my heart to know that friends and loved ones are going to be going through a hard time over Christmas :(
And I know that there is nothing I can do to make it better for them, I can offer help, give support and let them know I am here if needed but nothing I can do will ease that pain.
I think Christmas is one of the the more difficult times to get through.
Most people who celebrate Christmas know it to be a family time full of love, happiness, laughter and gatherings. It is also a time that starts early (there are already Christmas decorations filling the shops!) so it's not just one day you have to get through, it's weeks and weeks.
So to all our friends and loved ones out there who are going to find this festive season and new year a difficult time (whether it be due to miscarriage, loss of a child, infertility or for whatever reason) know that you are in our thoughts and hearts and we hope you find something that will make it a little easier to get through and hopefully feel some happiness and enjoy some laughs ♥♥
Guilt
Guilt is a feeling that we all feel from time to time but it's funny the things we feel guilty about.
There are general things that we all know we should feel guilty about, stealing, lying, hurting others.... but there are other things that we feel guilty about even though it is out of our control or we have no reason to feel guilty for it.
For me, one of those things is talking about our struggles.
We are very blessed to have a child, and I feel guilty when I talk about what we are going through with infertility because I know there are many many out there who don't have a child and are going through the same thing as us.
I feel guilty for talking about what we are going through, our pain, our struggles, our treatments....all of it.
I know I shouldn't feel guilty, in fact I have a lot of people thank me for talking about it and opening their eyes to not only infertility but also secondary infertility but guilt still creeps in there.
It's probably one of the reasons I didn't talk about things for a while, it took over a year for me to open up about what was happening with us and probably the only reason I did start opening up was because I needed the support and advice from others.
I've said it before that pain cannot be measured and especially the pain of infertility because it is just so personal and I think that is why I feel guilty, I would hate to think that me talking about our pain is making someone elses worse.
There are general things that we all know we should feel guilty about, stealing, lying, hurting others.... but there are other things that we feel guilty about even though it is out of our control or we have no reason to feel guilty for it.
For me, one of those things is talking about our struggles.
We are very blessed to have a child, and I feel guilty when I talk about what we are going through with infertility because I know there are many many out there who don't have a child and are going through the same thing as us.
I feel guilty for talking about what we are going through, our pain, our struggles, our treatments....all of it.
I know I shouldn't feel guilty, in fact I have a lot of people thank me for talking about it and opening their eyes to not only infertility but also secondary infertility but guilt still creeps in there.
It's probably one of the reasons I didn't talk about things for a while, it took over a year for me to open up about what was happening with us and probably the only reason I did start opening up was because I needed the support and advice from others.
I've said it before that pain cannot be measured and especially the pain of infertility because it is just so personal and I think that is why I feel guilty, I would hate to think that me talking about our pain is making someone elses worse.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
The one place I can't hide
No matter how much I try and tell myself that I'm ok, there are some places I can't hide away and convince myself of that.
One of those places is when I'm asleep. I can tell myself every minute of every day that I'm doing ok, feeling good, not stressing about it all....but when I'm asleep it's a different story.
I don't know how to stop the dreams. The dreams of being pregnant, being in labour (I LOVE these dreams), dreams of Johnny and I picking out baby names, dreams of Jakson meeting his new sibling...and than there are the other dreams, the dreams that are not so good :(
Dreams of getting that phone call from our specialist when we were told our only embryo had not survived, dreams of being told that I have no eggs left and there is no chance for another child, dreams that IVF will never work...
One of those places is when I'm asleep. I can tell myself every minute of every day that I'm doing ok, feeling good, not stressing about it all....but when I'm asleep it's a different story.
I don't know how to stop the dreams. The dreams of being pregnant, being in labour (I LOVE these dreams), dreams of Johnny and I picking out baby names, dreams of Jakson meeting his new sibling...and than there are the other dreams, the dreams that are not so good :(
Dreams of getting that phone call from our specialist when we were told our only embryo had not survived, dreams of being told that I have no eggs left and there is no chance for another child, dreams that IVF will never work...
Friday, September 17, 2010
Black Panther Syndrom
This is just a bit of a random post about something I've been thinking about lately.
It's really hard to explain the pain of secondary infertility.
Yes, we already have a child but wanting for and crying because we don't have another doesn't mean we are taking Jakson for granted.
It also doesn't mean that our pain is any less intense or any more for that matter.
Secondary infertility is a very different pain from first time infertility, but no matter what the circumstances are, I would never wish infertility on anyone.
Yes, I have a child to look at and love. I have a child to make me smile and laugh. I have a child and I feel eternally blessed for him.
But I also have a child that I have to explain this too, a child who watches me cry everyday, inject myself with horrible drugs, a child whose mum didn't get to go to his Mothers Day lunch at kinder because I had a fertility appointment. And I have a child who watched me get so sick from the drugs he thought I was dying :(
When things go bad, we can't run away. Johnny and I can't just go away for the weekend when things don't work out, we have to continue being parents and putting on as brave a face as possible for Jakson.
For every appointment we have to not only try to work around our personal and work schedules but also the schedule of being a parent. It was only a couple weeks ago that I had to take Jakson with me while I had an internal examination...not something I wanted to do at all.
I would never ever think that my pain is worse than any others, I don't think it is something that can be compared.
The pain I am feeling this time is very different to last time (we also went though infertility when trying for Jakson) there are different feelings, circumstances and obstacles.
Most people have no idea what we went through the first time, it's not something we talked about openly.
In fact, we were pretty much the opposite of how open we are this time.
The pain of infertility is like nothing else, the fear, the self doubt, the hatred you can feel for yourself is something that no one could understand unless they have been there.
Nothing will ever compare to the first time of going through it, and I would never try to compare our struggle with secondary infertility with someone going through it for their first....it's the same journey but with very different paths.
I feel totally ripped off that we have had to go through this twice :( it's really not fair.
I think sometimes people have a bit of a case of 'black panther syndrom'...you know, where no matter what you have, they have it bigger and better or much worse than you do.
You have a black cat, they have a black panther! you know what I'm talking about - we all have people like that in our lives ;)
I can understand people doing it about good things, I have a better car, house, job etc...it makes them feel better.
But when people do it about pain and heartache, I just don't get it :(
Why do they need to try and measure and compare it....there are no winners
It's really hard to explain the pain of secondary infertility.
Yes, we already have a child but wanting for and crying because we don't have another doesn't mean we are taking Jakson for granted.
It also doesn't mean that our pain is any less intense or any more for that matter.
Secondary infertility is a very different pain from first time infertility, but no matter what the circumstances are, I would never wish infertility on anyone.
Yes, I have a child to look at and love. I have a child to make me smile and laugh. I have a child and I feel eternally blessed for him.
But I also have a child that I have to explain this too, a child who watches me cry everyday, inject myself with horrible drugs, a child whose mum didn't get to go to his Mothers Day lunch at kinder because I had a fertility appointment. And I have a child who watched me get so sick from the drugs he thought I was dying :(
When things go bad, we can't run away. Johnny and I can't just go away for the weekend when things don't work out, we have to continue being parents and putting on as brave a face as possible for Jakson.
For every appointment we have to not only try to work around our personal and work schedules but also the schedule of being a parent. It was only a couple weeks ago that I had to take Jakson with me while I had an internal examination...not something I wanted to do at all.
I would never ever think that my pain is worse than any others, I don't think it is something that can be compared.
The pain I am feeling this time is very different to last time (we also went though infertility when trying for Jakson) there are different feelings, circumstances and obstacles.
Most people have no idea what we went through the first time, it's not something we talked about openly.
In fact, we were pretty much the opposite of how open we are this time.
The pain of infertility is like nothing else, the fear, the self doubt, the hatred you can feel for yourself is something that no one could understand unless they have been there.
Nothing will ever compare to the first time of going through it, and I would never try to compare our struggle with secondary infertility with someone going through it for their first....it's the same journey but with very different paths.
I feel totally ripped off that we have had to go through this twice :( it's really not fair.
I think sometimes people have a bit of a case of 'black panther syndrom'...you know, where no matter what you have, they have it bigger and better or much worse than you do.
You have a black cat, they have a black panther! you know what I'm talking about - we all have people like that in our lives ;)
I can understand people doing it about good things, I have a better car, house, job etc...it makes them feel better.
But when people do it about pain and heartache, I just don't get it :(
Why do they need to try and measure and compare it....there are no winners
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Everyone has a story
One thing I have found with talking about what we are going through is that everyone has a story to tell you!
A story about a couple they know that just stopped worrying about it or stopped trying and than fell pregnant.
What people don't realise is most of the time when these couples have stopped trying, they have been on fertility treatment that most probably kicked their bodies into gear and that is why they fell pregnant when they "stopped trying" ;)
Or they may have started alternative treatment (such as TCM) that they have not talked about but has helped them to fall pregnant.
I really wish people would not tell me these stories because it's always implied that if we stop thinking about it or just stop trying than we'll magically fall pregnant....I can tell you know, that's not going to work for us.
Or there is the other kind of story that everyone seems to have (and tell to me)...the story of the woman or man who is on drugs, in jail, abusive or just not fit to be a parent and yet are having child after child :(
These stories do not help at all, I know there are people out there who do not deserve children but are able to keep popping them out and it breaks my heart that we have to fight to have one when there are people out there like that who are having children and not realise how much of a privilege it is.
I appreciate the intention that people are telling these stories with but I really wish they wouldn't.
For me, they don't help :(
I don't want to hear about people who were successful on their 20th IVF cycle...to me that is not inspiring, it's scary and frightening
A story about a couple they know that just stopped worrying about it or stopped trying and than fell pregnant.
What people don't realise is most of the time when these couples have stopped trying, they have been on fertility treatment that most probably kicked their bodies into gear and that is why they fell pregnant when they "stopped trying" ;)
Or they may have started alternative treatment (such as TCM) that they have not talked about but has helped them to fall pregnant.
I really wish people would not tell me these stories because it's always implied that if we stop thinking about it or just stop trying than we'll magically fall pregnant....I can tell you know, that's not going to work for us.
Or there is the other kind of story that everyone seems to have (and tell to me)...the story of the woman or man who is on drugs, in jail, abusive or just not fit to be a parent and yet are having child after child :(
These stories do not help at all, I know there are people out there who do not deserve children but are able to keep popping them out and it breaks my heart that we have to fight to have one when there are people out there like that who are having children and not realise how much of a privilege it is.
I appreciate the intention that people are telling these stories with but I really wish they wouldn't.
For me, they don't help :(
I don't want to hear about people who were successful on their 20th IVF cycle...to me that is not inspiring, it's scary and frightening
Taking a break
We have decided that for our sanity, and physically and emotional health that we need to take a break from trying to fall pregnant.
September marks three and a half years of trying to fall pregnant.
That is such a long time, I could have had four full term pregnancies in that time :(
That is 4 mothers days, fathers day, birthdays, Easters, Christmas's and all the other special occasions throughout the year that we have gone through and each one I have told myself by that time next year I'll either have a baby or at least pregnant.
So for now, until we have saved the money to do IVF again we will not be trying to fall pregnant.
I think we really need this break, whether it's one month or six....we need a break.
There are things I have been putting off doing 'just in case' I'm pregnant, but now I'm going to do them :)
So it's time for us to now sit back and recharge our batteries for a bit so when we are ready for IVF again, we ready physical, emotionally and psychologically :)
September marks three and a half years of trying to fall pregnant.
That is such a long time, I could have had four full term pregnancies in that time :(
That is 4 mothers days, fathers day, birthdays, Easters, Christmas's and all the other special occasions throughout the year that we have gone through and each one I have told myself by that time next year I'll either have a baby or at least pregnant.
So for now, until we have saved the money to do IVF again we will not be trying to fall pregnant.
I think we really need this break, whether it's one month or six....we need a break.
There are things I have been putting off doing 'just in case' I'm pregnant, but now I'm going to do them :)
So it's time for us to now sit back and recharge our batteries for a bit so when we are ready for IVF again, we ready physical, emotionally and psychologically :)
Friday, September 3, 2010
A juggling act
One of the hard parts I have found with dealing with infertility is trying to fit in all the appointments.
Most of the time you don't get very much notice of when your appointments, tests, or procedures will be as it all depends on when your cycle starts.
You may expect to go for one scan and end up having to go back for 3 or 4 more that week, or a blood test or other test....there is no set schedule for IVF treatment and that can make it very hard to try to organise your life around.
If we do another cycle we are going to try and do it when I'm not working so I don't have that added stress of having to run between work and appointments, or trying to fit everything in.
I think I might also have to ask for help a bit more with Jakson.
I really don't like asking people to look after him or drop him off/pick him up from kinder but I think I might have to get over that and start asking for help.
It's really not fair on him that I have to wake him up at 6am so he can come into the city with me for an early appointment.
Just last week I had to take him with him for a 8am scan in the city, and it was an internal scan too! All I can say is I am very thankful for my iPhone - it kept him occupied so he didn't see anything or ask any questions ;) lol
What was hard though was having him in the waiting room with me.
He has come to about 3 appointments with us to our IVF clinic and I really don't like taking him because I know there are others there who don't have a child yet and seeing him can be very hurtful for them.
Last weeks appointment was particularly hard because Jakson was in an ultra cute mood saying things like
'I love you mummy' 'you are my number one girl' 'you are the best girl in town'
I know it would have broken my heart to hear a child saying these things while I was sitting there at my IVF clinic trying to get pregnant with my first :(
I didn't want to tell him to stop talking so I just kept trying to distract him and hope that we were called into our appointment soon
IVF and all the appointment that go along with it is a bit like a juggling act, and added into that the acupuncture that I want to do with our next cycle...it's going to take a lot of juggling to keep everything from falling into a heap......I hope I can do it
Most of the time you don't get very much notice of when your appointments, tests, or procedures will be as it all depends on when your cycle starts.
You may expect to go for one scan and end up having to go back for 3 or 4 more that week, or a blood test or other test....there is no set schedule for IVF treatment and that can make it very hard to try to organise your life around.
If we do another cycle we are going to try and do it when I'm not working so I don't have that added stress of having to run between work and appointments, or trying to fit everything in.
I think I might also have to ask for help a bit more with Jakson.
I really don't like asking people to look after him or drop him off/pick him up from kinder but I think I might have to get over that and start asking for help.
It's really not fair on him that I have to wake him up at 6am so he can come into the city with me for an early appointment.
Just last week I had to take him with him for a 8am scan in the city, and it was an internal scan too! All I can say is I am very thankful for my iPhone - it kept him occupied so he didn't see anything or ask any questions ;) lol
What was hard though was having him in the waiting room with me.
He has come to about 3 appointments with us to our IVF clinic and I really don't like taking him because I know there are others there who don't have a child yet and seeing him can be very hurtful for them.
Last weeks appointment was particularly hard because Jakson was in an ultra cute mood saying things like
'I love you mummy' 'you are my number one girl' 'you are the best girl in town'
I know it would have broken my heart to hear a child saying these things while I was sitting there at my IVF clinic trying to get pregnant with my first :(
I didn't want to tell him to stop talking so I just kept trying to distract him and hope that we were called into our appointment soon
IVF and all the appointment that go along with it is a bit like a juggling act, and added into that the acupuncture that I want to do with our next cycle...it's going to take a lot of juggling to keep everything from falling into a heap......I hope I can do it
TCM
What is TCM you ask?
TCM is Traditional Chinese Medicine which is the use of things such as acupuncture, herbs and more natural therapies to treat illness and support the overall health and well being of people.
TCM is also very useful in support couples going through IVF. It has been reported that it can increase IVF success rates to around 70%
It can help with both male factor infertility (poor sperm motility or low sperm count) as well as female infertility.
I feel very fortunate that I have had the advice of Natalie from
The Pagoda Tree. Natalie is a doctor of Chinese medicine and specialises in women's health.
Natalie has been a wealth of knowledge and support for me.
After talking to Natalie during our last IVF cycle it has really cemented in my mind that I really want to, if possible, incorporate TCM into our next IVF cycle.
If we do another IVF cycle we are hoping to be able to do acupuncture with it. My hope is that it will work together with the IVF drugs to help my body produce more eggs and more importantly, better quality eggs.
Something that Natalie told me is 'it's not the number of eggs you get, but the quality of them' - this is something that I am going to keep reminding myself of so I don't focus quantity.
Now we just have to work out how much it will cost to do TCM along with IVF.
Unfortunately it can add a fair bit of cost onto what already is an expensive process.
It's also unfortunate that Medicare does not rebate anything for TCM or acupuncture :(
As well as the cost, we also have to consider the time and how many sessions we would need.
Trying to juggle the normal day to day of life and it's demands along with all the appointments it not an easy task, so to add more appointments to that is something that will take some working out
TCM is Traditional Chinese Medicine which is the use of things such as acupuncture, herbs and more natural therapies to treat illness and support the overall health and well being of people.
TCM is also very useful in support couples going through IVF. It has been reported that it can increase IVF success rates to around 70%
It can help with both male factor infertility (poor sperm motility or low sperm count) as well as female infertility.
I feel very fortunate that I have had the advice of Natalie from
The Pagoda Tree. Natalie is a doctor of Chinese medicine and specialises in women's health.
Natalie has been a wealth of knowledge and support for me.
After talking to Natalie during our last IVF cycle it has really cemented in my mind that I really want to, if possible, incorporate TCM into our next IVF cycle.
If we do another IVF cycle we are hoping to be able to do acupuncture with it. My hope is that it will work together with the IVF drugs to help my body produce more eggs and more importantly, better quality eggs.
Something that Natalie told me is 'it's not the number of eggs you get, but the quality of them' - this is something that I am going to keep reminding myself of so I don't focus quantity.
Now we just have to work out how much it will cost to do TCM along with IVF.
Unfortunately it can add a fair bit of cost onto what already is an expensive process.
It's also unfortunate that Medicare does not rebate anything for TCM or acupuncture :(
As well as the cost, we also have to consider the time and how many sessions we would need.
Trying to juggle the normal day to day of life and it's demands along with all the appointments it not an easy task, so to add more appointments to that is something that will take some working out
Monday, August 30, 2010
Clomid
I have just finished taking Clomid to try and encourage ovulation this cycle.
Now I was on Clomid for four cycles last year and never had this side effect.....the side effect I have had this cycle is a complete and utter feeling of dread.
It's been horrible, I can't even begin to explain how horrible it has been.
To have a constant feeling that something bad is there, or is going to happen.
To have a constant feeling like you have just been given the worse news possible is something I never want to experience again.
It's funny that something that is supposed to help me can make me feel so bad.
Along with the feeling of dread, there is the tiredness, vertigo, headache....sounds like funny, doesn't it?! lol
and this is just one of the drugs I'm on, the other drug...well I've posted about the evil Metformin before, it's a nasty drug that one!
Now I was on Clomid for four cycles last year and never had this side effect.....the side effect I have had this cycle is a complete and utter feeling of dread.
It's been horrible, I can't even begin to explain how horrible it has been.
To have a constant feeling that something bad is there, or is going to happen.
To have a constant feeling like you have just been given the worse news possible is something I never want to experience again.
It's funny that something that is supposed to help me can make me feel so bad.
Along with the feeling of dread, there is the tiredness, vertigo, headache....sounds like funny, doesn't it?! lol
and this is just one of the drugs I'm on, the other drug...well I've posted about the evil Metformin before, it's a nasty drug that one!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Being caught off guard
I think sometimes its the little things that really get to me, things that for most people wouldn't mean anything but to me, well they leave me in tears.
On Wednesday August 25th at 3.22pm we welcomed my niece into the world.
She is absolutely precious and adorable and I couldn't be prouder :)
I thought the feeling of joy and pride would be enough to get me through my first visit with her without crying, but what I did not prepare for was the little things.
I prepared myself for the fact that I was going to be seeing pregnant bellies everywhere, prepared myself for seeing
and holding a baby, prepared myself for people talking about the labour and even prepared myself in case someone asked me that dreaded question 'so when are you having more?'
So what are these little things that caught me off guard??
It probably didn't help that the hospital my sister gave birth at was the same hospital that I had my egg pick up and failed embryo transfer at :(
Driving in to the hospital car park my heart sunk, so many emotions came rushing back to me...I hadn't prepared for that
Standing in front of the elevators was when the tears came, all the memories of standing there being excited to go for my egg pick up, the memories of walking out of those lifts in tears when we only had one egg retrieved, the memory of the joy and anxiety (good anxiety) go up in those lifts to go for our embryo transfer, and the crushing memory of walking out of them after it failed knowing that we may have lost our only chance at a second child :(
Who would have thought that standing in front of a lift could be so emotional!
I so didn't want to cry, this was not about me and I didn't want to make it about me.
It was about my sister and her family, and I desperately tried to stop the tears and hold back any more coming....this was not easy but I think I did well
Than I held the baby.....
I had expected that this if anything would have had the tears flowing but no, instead I has such an overwhelming sense of calm and joy
This precious little bundle in my arms...this was the reason I have to keep going, so that the next time I hold a newborn...it's my own :)
On Wednesday August 25th at 3.22pm we welcomed my niece into the world.
She is absolutely precious and adorable and I couldn't be prouder :)
I thought the feeling of joy and pride would be enough to get me through my first visit with her without crying, but what I did not prepare for was the little things.
I prepared myself for the fact that I was going to be seeing pregnant bellies everywhere, prepared myself for seeing
and holding a baby, prepared myself for people talking about the labour and even prepared myself in case someone asked me that dreaded question 'so when are you having more?'
So what are these little things that caught me off guard??
It probably didn't help that the hospital my sister gave birth at was the same hospital that I had my egg pick up and failed embryo transfer at :(
Driving in to the hospital car park my heart sunk, so many emotions came rushing back to me...I hadn't prepared for that
Standing in front of the elevators was when the tears came, all the memories of standing there being excited to go for my egg pick up, the memories of walking out of those lifts in tears when we only had one egg retrieved, the memory of the joy and anxiety (good anxiety) go up in those lifts to go for our embryo transfer, and the crushing memory of walking out of them after it failed knowing that we may have lost our only chance at a second child :(
Who would have thought that standing in front of a lift could be so emotional!
I so didn't want to cry, this was not about me and I didn't want to make it about me.
It was about my sister and her family, and I desperately tried to stop the tears and hold back any more coming....this was not easy but I think I did well
Than I held the baby.....
I had expected that this if anything would have had the tears flowing but no, instead I has such an overwhelming sense of calm and joy
This precious little bundle in my arms...this was the reason I have to keep going, so that the next time I hold a newborn...it's my own :)
Monday, August 23, 2010
Announcements
Pregnancy announcements used to be the thing I dreaded the most.
To hear someone else say the words I so want to be able to say was like a nightmare for me.
While I am (and always will be) happy for those around me that I love dearly to announce they are pregnant, each announcement was like a knife in the heart for me (that may sound dramatic but the pain that comes with infertility is very intense).
However someone announcing they are pregnant is not the thing I fear most now, it's birth announcements that are now the hardest.
Because you see, for each birth announcement there is, I know that is another 9 months that has past without us falling pregnant.
I can remember each persons announcement and thinking to myself, I'll definitely be pregnant before they give birth....how wrong I have been :(
To hear someone else say the words I so want to be able to say was like a nightmare for me.
While I am (and always will be) happy for those around me that I love dearly to announce they are pregnant, each announcement was like a knife in the heart for me (that may sound dramatic but the pain that comes with infertility is very intense).
However someone announcing they are pregnant is not the thing I fear most now, it's birth announcements that are now the hardest.
Because you see, for each birth announcement there is, I know that is another 9 months that has past without us falling pregnant.
I can remember each persons announcement and thinking to myself, I'll definitely be pregnant before they give birth....how wrong I have been :(
An update
I haven't posted here in a while and I think the main reason is that I have/am mentally exhausted by all of this.
Our unsuccessful IVF attempt was back in early July and we are now at the end of August and it was only today that I was ready to go back and see our fertility specialist.
After much hesitation we finally made the appointment and went today to see her in a hope of getting some answers as to what went wrong.
Unfortunately there were no answers for us, our specialist said that to have many follicles like I did and to only get one egg from them is very rare and unusual.
There is no reason why, well no reason that can be given as to why it happened.
It may be due to genetics, diet, lifestyle or anything else....there is no test to find out if anything caused this to happen.
So armed with no answers we had to work out what to do next.
We are hoping to do another IVF cycle in November and it will be a different cycle to the one we just did.
It will be the longer cycle, which is about 50-60 days long but it's a different approach to the one we did and hopefully we will have a different outcome.
For now, we are going to try Clomid (a drug that helps to encourage ovulation) this cycle and Puregon (injections that do the same as Clomid) next cycle and pray that we get another miracle bub out of one of these cycles, if not than hopefully it's on to another IVF cycle
Our unsuccessful IVF attempt was back in early July and we are now at the end of August and it was only today that I was ready to go back and see our fertility specialist.
After much hesitation we finally made the appointment and went today to see her in a hope of getting some answers as to what went wrong.
Unfortunately there were no answers for us, our specialist said that to have many follicles like I did and to only get one egg from them is very rare and unusual.
There is no reason why, well no reason that can be given as to why it happened.
It may be due to genetics, diet, lifestyle or anything else....there is no test to find out if anything caused this to happen.
So armed with no answers we had to work out what to do next.
We are hoping to do another IVF cycle in November and it will be a different cycle to the one we just did.
It will be the longer cycle, which is about 50-60 days long but it's a different approach to the one we did and hopefully we will have a different outcome.
For now, we are going to try Clomid (a drug that helps to encourage ovulation) this cycle and Puregon (injections that do the same as Clomid) next cycle and pray that we get another miracle bub out of one of these cycles, if not than hopefully it's on to another IVF cycle
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
To keep it private or not?
Sharing our journey with everyone was my choice, it was something that I wanted to do, something I needed to do to get through all of this.
However by making this choice I feel that I have also robbed us of a special moment, that moment of surprise when you tell people you are pregnant.
I know that no matter how or when we tell people they are going to be happy and excited for us, but I feel that the surprise element has been taken away.
So now I am thinking that if we are lucky enough to do another IVF cycle, should we tell people?
I love and appreciate all the support we have been given, I wouldn't have got through this without it but I really want to be able to surprise people when we tell them we are pregnant.
If we do keep the next IVF cycle private I hope people won't be upset that we have decided to do it this was instead of being open as we have been. I hope people will understand why I need to do it differently.
I guess I have plenty of time to think about it, hopefully we will be able to do another cycle before the end of the year.....I guess I'll make the choice on whether to share or not when the time comes
However by making this choice I feel that I have also robbed us of a special moment, that moment of surprise when you tell people you are pregnant.
I know that no matter how or when we tell people they are going to be happy and excited for us, but I feel that the surprise element has been taken away.
So now I am thinking that if we are lucky enough to do another IVF cycle, should we tell people?
I love and appreciate all the support we have been given, I wouldn't have got through this without it but I really want to be able to surprise people when we tell them we are pregnant.
If we do keep the next IVF cycle private I hope people won't be upset that we have decided to do it this was instead of being open as we have been. I hope people will understand why I need to do it differently.
I guess I have plenty of time to think about it, hopefully we will be able to do another cycle before the end of the year.....I guess I'll make the choice on whether to share or not when the time comes
Saturday, July 24, 2010
What should have been
Yesterday was two weeks since what was to be our embryo transfer.
Which means that yesterday was the day I was supposed to have a pregnancy test to see if our IVF attempt was successful.
I thought that getting past yesterday would have brought some closure to the whole thing, but it hasn't.....well not yet anyway.
I can't stop thinking that I should have spent the last two week worried about the food I was eating and if it were pregnancy friendly, over analysing ever symptom I thought I had and waiting for yesterday to come with mixed emotions of anticipation, excitement and fear.
Instead I've been able to eat and do whatever I wanted, I didn't have to worry if it was pregnancy friendly, I could have got drunk, gone sky diving or done whatever I wanted.
I cant' tell you how much I would have given to have been constantly worried about everything I was doing everyday rather than spending the last two weeks in tears about what could and should have been.
We still haven't gone back to see our specialist to find out if there are any answers as to what went wrong.
I guess we should probably do that soon, better to get it over and done with than to keep waiting.
Not sure when we will be ready to do this all again (both financially and emotionally) maybe having a few months break will be a good idea....let us get back to finding out who we are as people, parents, husband and wife and not just always being the infertile couple.
Which means that yesterday was the day I was supposed to have a pregnancy test to see if our IVF attempt was successful.
I thought that getting past yesterday would have brought some closure to the whole thing, but it hasn't.....well not yet anyway.
I can't stop thinking that I should have spent the last two week worried about the food I was eating and if it were pregnancy friendly, over analysing ever symptom I thought I had and waiting for yesterday to come with mixed emotions of anticipation, excitement and fear.
Instead I've been able to eat and do whatever I wanted, I didn't have to worry if it was pregnancy friendly, I could have got drunk, gone sky diving or done whatever I wanted.
I cant' tell you how much I would have given to have been constantly worried about everything I was doing everyday rather than spending the last two weeks in tears about what could and should have been.
We still haven't gone back to see our specialist to find out if there are any answers as to what went wrong.
I guess we should probably do that soon, better to get it over and done with than to keep waiting.
Not sure when we will be ready to do this all again (both financially and emotionally) maybe having a few months break will be a good idea....let us get back to finding out who we are as people, parents, husband and wife and not just always being the infertile couple.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
A bit of an embarrassing story
I had quite an embarrassing moment the other day.
We had an auto electrician here to fix our car window and I was talking to him and he was telling me about his children. He mentioned that they are all grown up now, he has a 28yr old, 27 and 21 yr old.
I asked him if they younger one was close to their older siblings and he said yes, in fact the 21yr old is closer to the 27yrs old than the 28yr old is. When he told me this I burst into tears, not just a few tears but a lot...think hysterical mad woman! lol
He, understandably was very shocked at my reaction and asked if he had upset me.
I told him that no he hadn't, in fact he had made my day.
I explained that Jakson is 5 years old and we have been trying to fall pregnant again for over three years and that we often get told things like 'you don't want to leave the age gap to big or they won't grow up close' and comments like that.
So to hear that his children had a 6 year age gap and were very close was something I really needed to hear.
It's things like that, that I want and need to hear...not words like 'just relax' or 'you're trying to hard' because those words don't help at all
We had an auto electrician here to fix our car window and I was talking to him and he was telling me about his children. He mentioned that they are all grown up now, he has a 28yr old, 27 and 21 yr old.
I asked him if they younger one was close to their older siblings and he said yes, in fact the 21yr old is closer to the 27yrs old than the 28yr old is. When he told me this I burst into tears, not just a few tears but a lot...think hysterical mad woman! lol
He, understandably was very shocked at my reaction and asked if he had upset me.
I told him that no he hadn't, in fact he had made my day.
I explained that Jakson is 5 years old and we have been trying to fall pregnant again for over three years and that we often get told things like 'you don't want to leave the age gap to big or they won't grow up close' and comments like that.
So to hear that his children had a 6 year age gap and were very close was something I really needed to hear.
It's things like that, that I want and need to hear...not words like 'just relax' or 'you're trying to hard' because those words don't help at all
Our loss, is a loss
So it's been over a week now since our first (and hopefully not last) IVF attempt failed.
Failed, that's such a harsh word but I guess it's the truth....it didn't work so therefor it failed :(
It's been an ok week, lots of feeling up and down, lots of tears and lots of questions that will never be answered.
I think one of the biggest things I had to deal with is my own beliefs.
You see, I believe that life begins at conception and even though our embryo was on alive for just over a day....to me it was the beginning of a child. I know that many wouldn't see it that way, but it's what my beliefs are and it's why I have struggled with the whole IVF thing and multiple embryos being created.
That's why when we only had one egg retrieved, I told myself that it was because God knew how I felt and didn't want to burden me with the decision of what to do with the left over embryo's......I convinced myself that God only gave me one because he knew that was all I would need.
Some people don't see what we have gone through as a loss, but to me it very much is.
I wonder if our embryo had been transferred back into me and not survived, would people have seen that as a loss? That is pretty much what a 'chemical pregnany' is and people still see that as a loss, so is it the fact that it was not inside me that makes it less of a loss??
I had one comment said to me (and I can't remember the exact phrase, but it was something like this) 'at least it wasn't put back in you and not lived' but I don't think that would have made it any easier or harder for me, I am still very much feeling the loss of what should have been my son or daughter.
I would never want to minimise the pain of someone who has experienced a miscarriage or loss of a child, and in the same respect I would never want my pain minimised by others who do not think our loss is big enough.
I wonder how long it will take to stop asking myself what I could have done to change things.
Did I do something wrong or not do something right to make my egg not the best quality it could have been, could I have done something more....prayed more, done more research to increase our chances, did I jinx myself by being so open about our struggles - have I made myself the poster girl for infertility..?
Even though our embryo was not put back into me, I feel like maybe I could have fixed it or made it live if I had been given the chance....that's the emotional side, the mothering and protector side of me talking, because logically I know that this is just the way it went, that it just wasn't meant to be.
I guess like all things, it will take time and be an ongoing process for us to move on from
I just pray that if we do get to do IVF again, it will be a more positive outcome
Failed, that's such a harsh word but I guess it's the truth....it didn't work so therefor it failed :(
It's been an ok week, lots of feeling up and down, lots of tears and lots of questions that will never be answered.
I think one of the biggest things I had to deal with is my own beliefs.
You see, I believe that life begins at conception and even though our embryo was on alive for just over a day....to me it was the beginning of a child. I know that many wouldn't see it that way, but it's what my beliefs are and it's why I have struggled with the whole IVF thing and multiple embryos being created.
That's why when we only had one egg retrieved, I told myself that it was because God knew how I felt and didn't want to burden me with the decision of what to do with the left over embryo's......I convinced myself that God only gave me one because he knew that was all I would need.
Some people don't see what we have gone through as a loss, but to me it very much is.
I wonder if our embryo had been transferred back into me and not survived, would people have seen that as a loss? That is pretty much what a 'chemical pregnany' is and people still see that as a loss, so is it the fact that it was not inside me that makes it less of a loss??
I had one comment said to me (and I can't remember the exact phrase, but it was something like this) 'at least it wasn't put back in you and not lived' but I don't think that would have made it any easier or harder for me, I am still very much feeling the loss of what should have been my son or daughter.
I would never want to minimise the pain of someone who has experienced a miscarriage or loss of a child, and in the same respect I would never want my pain minimised by others who do not think our loss is big enough.
I wonder how long it will take to stop asking myself what I could have done to change things.
Did I do something wrong or not do something right to make my egg not the best quality it could have been, could I have done something more....prayed more, done more research to increase our chances, did I jinx myself by being so open about our struggles - have I made myself the poster girl for infertility..?
Even though our embryo was not put back into me, I feel like maybe I could have fixed it or made it live if I had been given the chance....that's the emotional side, the mothering and protector side of me talking, because logically I know that this is just the way it went, that it just wasn't meant to be.
I guess like all things, it will take time and be an ongoing process for us to move on from
I just pray that if we do get to do IVF again, it will be a more positive outcome
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Accepting help and 'Paying it Forward'
For me, accepting help is extremely hard. It's not because of pride or ego but because I am a giver, with every bit of my being I like to be able to give and help others :)
I would do anything to be able to help anyone but to accept help for myself is something that I find incredible hard and I don't really know why
Since telling everyone about the loss of our embryo on Friday I have been beyond overwhelmed by such generous and amazing offers of help.
This was and still is very overwhelming for us. I don't understand why people want to help us?
And it is something that I am struggling to not only accept but allow myself not to feel guilty about it
I guess this is just one more thing that dealing with infertility is teaching me
I would do anything to be able to help anyone but to accept help for myself is something that I find incredible hard and I don't really know why
Since telling everyone about the loss of our embryo on Friday I have been beyond overwhelmed by such generous and amazing offers of help.
This was and still is very overwhelming for us. I don't understand why people want to help us?
And it is something that I am struggling to not only accept but allow myself not to feel guilty about it
I guess this is just one more thing that dealing with infertility is teaching me
Looking back
Thinking back over everything we have been through already, it makes me wonder why nothing has worked yet?
Although we struggled for more than 18months to conceive Jakson, we were able to conceive him naturally.
It took me two years of trying to be able to make the decision to go and see a fertility specialist. Normally it's once you pass the 12 month mark but I wasn't mentally ready at that time.
It was really hard for me, I felt like a complete failure....I felt I was letting down Johnny, Jakson and our baby to be.
If only I'd known how long this journey was going to be I would have made that appointment for the fertility specialist very quickly!
Due to limited funds and my ignorance with how much a private specialist cost, we decided to go through the public health system.
I got my referral and made the appointment.
I thought it was a bit weird when they sent my paperwork to fill in, it just didn't seem right and I knew I should have called to question it but I didn't.
When it was time for the appointment, we got there and I gave them the paperwork and we sat down, waiting to be called. The receptionist called me to come to the desk and gave me a bag and says 'Congratulations!' yep, it was the gift bag that they give to pregnant women
I had to tell her that I am not pregnant but here for fertility help, she than looked at who had I was booked in to see and it was for a pregnancy appointment not a reproductive medicine appointment!
It turns out that it was both the doctors and hospitals fault, a miscommunication if you will!
The doctor didn't put enough info on the referral and whoever received the referral and made the appointment didn't read the full referral properly.
I can't tell you how hard it was to not cry that day, my eyes were filled with tears as the receptionist and her supervisor apologised profusely to me and Johnny. I can't begin to describe how horrible it was
We went to pick Jakson up from my mums after the appointment and both my sisters were there and obviously wanted to know how the appointment went, and telling them what happened was just as hard as when the lady presented me with the bag and a big excited congratulations
They only have the reproductive medicine clinic on Wednesdays so they made an appointment for us for a couple of weeks away.
I had a good cry in the car and when we got home.
Having to actually tell someone that I am was not pregnant is much harder than knowing I am not, if that makes sense?
To have to verbalise it and say it in a room full of pregnant woman was one of the most difficult things I've had to say.
As it was mothers day, I also missed the Mother's Day afternoon tea at Jakson's day care. Thankfully my mum was able to be there for him, but it's something that I should have been there for
Johnny had to take the day off work, and had to take another one off when our proper appointment came round.
So that was our first experience with medical fertility help, and it was not a good one. I guess it kind of set the tone for what has been our experience so far.
I'll try and be brief now while I outline what has happened so far
- The specialist putting me on Clomid (a drug to help you ovulate) and deciding not to put me on the waiting list to have a laparoscopy (which going by my symptoms, they should have)
- The specialist did not monitor me during my 4 cycles of Clomid. I later found out that they should have been doing a scan each cycle to ensure the Clomid was working properly
- After 4 cycles of Clomid we stopped as it was obvious that is was not working.
- We also found out later on that the laboratory they sent Johnny's tests to was a sub-standard laboratory and most fertility specialist will not use it
- Seeing a new specialist through the public system (there was always a new one each appointment - no continuity at all) they looked at my file and asked why I had not had the laparoscopy yet? I said to them because no one has ordered it and they were shocked. The put me on the list immediately and said it should only take about 3 months of waiting.....well that 3 months turned into 7months because there was a problem with the surgical lists and I got pushed back when I shouldn't have been.
Finally at one of the appointments the specialist rang them and told them to give me a surgery date immediately, the following day I got a letter telling me my surgery would be in May.
- Before the laparoscopy I talked with the anaesthesiologist and told him I am allergic to Tramadol, well he still decided to give me Tramadol and I had a very horrible 48 hours after the operation with very nasty side effects including extreme vertigo, pain and trouble breathing, nausea and headaches.....all this to go along with the normal post-op pain!
It was only when we went to see a private specialist Dr. Parmar that things turned around. Dr. Parmar has been wonderful, very caring and thorough.
I really hope that although the start to our fertility treatment experience was horrid, one day the end with Dr.Parmar can be on a happy note
Although we struggled for more than 18months to conceive Jakson, we were able to conceive him naturally.
It took me two years of trying to be able to make the decision to go and see a fertility specialist. Normally it's once you pass the 12 month mark but I wasn't mentally ready at that time.
It was really hard for me, I felt like a complete failure....I felt I was letting down Johnny, Jakson and our baby to be.
If only I'd known how long this journey was going to be I would have made that appointment for the fertility specialist very quickly!
Due to limited funds and my ignorance with how much a private specialist cost, we decided to go through the public health system.
I got my referral and made the appointment.
I thought it was a bit weird when they sent my paperwork to fill in, it just didn't seem right and I knew I should have called to question it but I didn't.
When it was time for the appointment, we got there and I gave them the paperwork and we sat down, waiting to be called. The receptionist called me to come to the desk and gave me a bag and says 'Congratulations!' yep, it was the gift bag that they give to pregnant women
I had to tell her that I am not pregnant but here for fertility help, she than looked at who had I was booked in to see and it was for a pregnancy appointment not a reproductive medicine appointment!
It turns out that it was both the doctors and hospitals fault, a miscommunication if you will!
The doctor didn't put enough info on the referral and whoever received the referral and made the appointment didn't read the full referral properly.
I can't tell you how hard it was to not cry that day, my eyes were filled with tears as the receptionist and her supervisor apologised profusely to me and Johnny. I can't begin to describe how horrible it was
We went to pick Jakson up from my mums after the appointment and both my sisters were there and obviously wanted to know how the appointment went, and telling them what happened was just as hard as when the lady presented me with the bag and a big excited congratulations
They only have the reproductive medicine clinic on Wednesdays so they made an appointment for us for a couple of weeks away.
I had a good cry in the car and when we got home.
Having to actually tell someone that I am was not pregnant is much harder than knowing I am not, if that makes sense?
To have to verbalise it and say it in a room full of pregnant woman was one of the most difficult things I've had to say.
As it was mothers day, I also missed the Mother's Day afternoon tea at Jakson's day care. Thankfully my mum was able to be there for him, but it's something that I should have been there for
Johnny had to take the day off work, and had to take another one off when our proper appointment came round.
So that was our first experience with medical fertility help, and it was not a good one. I guess it kind of set the tone for what has been our experience so far.
I'll try and be brief now while I outline what has happened so far
- The specialist putting me on Clomid (a drug to help you ovulate) and deciding not to put me on the waiting list to have a laparoscopy (which going by my symptoms, they should have)
- The specialist did not monitor me during my 4 cycles of Clomid. I later found out that they should have been doing a scan each cycle to ensure the Clomid was working properly
- After 4 cycles of Clomid we stopped as it was obvious that is was not working.
- We also found out later on that the laboratory they sent Johnny's tests to was a sub-standard laboratory and most fertility specialist will not use it
- Seeing a new specialist through the public system (there was always a new one each appointment - no continuity at all) they looked at my file and asked why I had not had the laparoscopy yet? I said to them because no one has ordered it and they were shocked. The put me on the list immediately and said it should only take about 3 months of waiting.....well that 3 months turned into 7months because there was a problem with the surgical lists and I got pushed back when I shouldn't have been.
Finally at one of the appointments the specialist rang them and told them to give me a surgery date immediately, the following day I got a letter telling me my surgery would be in May.
- Before the laparoscopy I talked with the anaesthesiologist and told him I am allergic to Tramadol, well he still decided to give me Tramadol and I had a very horrible 48 hours after the operation with very nasty side effects including extreme vertigo, pain and trouble breathing, nausea and headaches.....all this to go along with the normal post-op pain!
It was only when we went to see a private specialist Dr. Parmar that things turned around. Dr. Parmar has been wonderful, very caring and thorough.
I really hope that although the start to our fertility treatment experience was horrid, one day the end with Dr.Parmar can be on a happy note
Friday, July 9, 2010
It's just so unfair :(
This is not a post I ever thought I would be making :(
I went to bed last night very excited and nervous about what today would bring. I would be getting up at 5am and getting ready to go to the hospital(after dropping Jakson off) with my husband to have our embryo that would become our child transferred in to me.
It was exciting, it was the start of a life! It may not have been the way I thought or wanted it to happen but it was the start of a brand new life, a brand new life that would one day be our son or daughter.
Because we got to the hospital earlier than expected we went and had some breakfast together and talked about things and the miracle of what was about to happen.
We went and saw the nurse and signed the forms, went through the medication I would need afterwards and than she explained what would happen. We would get to see our embryo before it's implanted, I was amazed at this because I didn't know that happened. She even said we might get a photo of it, how special and amazing would that be!
We than went and waited in the waiting room, we were only minutes away from it all happening and the excitement was definitely building inside me.
I got my phone out to check it and was a bit shocked to see a missed call from my fertility specialist, unfortunately she couldn't be there and another doctor was going to be doing the transfer so I thought maybe she was ringing to say good luck.....how wrong I was.
I called her back and her words to me were "I'm sorry but I have some bad news for you' that moment in time by heart sunk and I knew that I wouldn't be walking out of there with my embryo, my future child.
She said that things were fine last night and this morning and than they noticed the the embryo had started to develop 2 abnormal cells....cells which have made the embryo not viable for pregnancy.
I hung up and told Johnny, I never ever want to have to tell him something like that ever again as long as I live...it was horrible :(
We didn't know what to do than, we were supposed to be going in for the transfer with a doctor we didn't know, we couldn't even see them because we hadn't meet them before.
So we went to reception and told them what happened and asked them to let the doctors know we were leaving.
We got to the car and cried, cried so many tears :(
There are so many questions, and no answers.....I'm not sure if there will ever be any answers :(
Did I take my medication wrong, did I do something that made me only produce one egg and an egg that may have caused the abnormal cells? could I have prayed harder? gone to Church to ask for Gods help? could I have tried some alternative treatment to help?? surely there was more I could have done to make this IVF journey a successful one?
Why did this have to happen at the last possible minute? I feel like it was within reach and than snatched away from us so unfairly
One of the hardest things about being so open about our struggles is when things go bad I also have to share that, it's only fair. But it's hard, it's hard to tell people that things have not worked out, I don't want to make our struggles anyone elses burden but people have come on this journey with us and supported us unconditionally and it is only fair that I share this too :(
I guess sometimes when things like this happen, it makes me wish I hadn't shared our story, hadn't opened up about how I feel :( but than I have to think of all the kind and supportive messages I have received and how by sharing our story, I have helped others.
When we are feeling up to it again we will make an appointment to go back and see the specialist and hope she has some answers about what went wrong
I went to bed last night very excited and nervous about what today would bring. I would be getting up at 5am and getting ready to go to the hospital(after dropping Jakson off) with my husband to have our embryo that would become our child transferred in to me.
It was exciting, it was the start of a life! It may not have been the way I thought or wanted it to happen but it was the start of a brand new life, a brand new life that would one day be our son or daughter.
Because we got to the hospital earlier than expected we went and had some breakfast together and talked about things and the miracle of what was about to happen.
We went and saw the nurse and signed the forms, went through the medication I would need afterwards and than she explained what would happen. We would get to see our embryo before it's implanted, I was amazed at this because I didn't know that happened. She even said we might get a photo of it, how special and amazing would that be!
We than went and waited in the waiting room, we were only minutes away from it all happening and the excitement was definitely building inside me.
I got my phone out to check it and was a bit shocked to see a missed call from my fertility specialist, unfortunately she couldn't be there and another doctor was going to be doing the transfer so I thought maybe she was ringing to say good luck.....how wrong I was.
I called her back and her words to me were "I'm sorry but I have some bad news for you' that moment in time by heart sunk and I knew that I wouldn't be walking out of there with my embryo, my future child.
She said that things were fine last night and this morning and than they noticed the the embryo had started to develop 2 abnormal cells....cells which have made the embryo not viable for pregnancy.
I hung up and told Johnny, I never ever want to have to tell him something like that ever again as long as I live...it was horrible :(
We didn't know what to do than, we were supposed to be going in for the transfer with a doctor we didn't know, we couldn't even see them because we hadn't meet them before.
So we went to reception and told them what happened and asked them to let the doctors know we were leaving.
We got to the car and cried, cried so many tears :(
There are so many questions, and no answers.....I'm not sure if there will ever be any answers :(
Did I take my medication wrong, did I do something that made me only produce one egg and an egg that may have caused the abnormal cells? could I have prayed harder? gone to Church to ask for Gods help? could I have tried some alternative treatment to help?? surely there was more I could have done to make this IVF journey a successful one?
Why did this have to happen at the last possible minute? I feel like it was within reach and than snatched away from us so unfairly
One of the hardest things about being so open about our struggles is when things go bad I also have to share that, it's only fair. But it's hard, it's hard to tell people that things have not worked out, I don't want to make our struggles anyone elses burden but people have come on this journey with us and supported us unconditionally and it is only fair that I share this too :(
I guess sometimes when things like this happen, it makes me wish I hadn't shared our story, hadn't opened up about how I feel :( but than I have to think of all the kind and supportive messages I have received and how by sharing our story, I have helped others.
When we are feeling up to it again we will make an appointment to go back and see the specialist and hope she has some answers about what went wrong
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Transfer time!!!
Yesterday after my egg pick up I was told that if the egg didn't survive they would call me to let me know and talk about what to do next.
If the egg did survive then they could call me between 1-3pm to let me know what time my transfer would be.
Well when the phone rang at 11am my heart fell into the pit of my stomach the call was from a blocked phone number, and when the clinic calls me it always comes up as a blocked number.
I can't even begin to describe the unbelievable pain and fear I felt when it rang.....something I never want to experience again
so I answered the phone and it was just a stupid telemarketer! >:(
The phone rang again at about 1.15pm and it was the clinic this time, and she was ringing to tell me that my transfer will be at 8.30am tomorrow morning
so our precious little egg has survived so far and now we have an embryo!!!
It was the best news ever....and on Johnny's birthday!
It was five years ago today on Johnny's birthday that we brought our son home from hospital and this year on his birthday I was able to tell him that our very very precious egg has survived so far and that our embryo is now waiting to be put back inside me ♥♥♥
So we are off to the hospital nice and early tomorrow morning, I have to be there at 8.20am
My sister has kindly offered to look after Jakson for us so that Johnny can be there with me when our little embie is put back inside me.
If the egg did survive then they could call me between 1-3pm to let me know what time my transfer would be.
Well when the phone rang at 11am my heart fell into the pit of my stomach
the call was from a blocked phone number, and when the clinic calls me it always comes up as a blocked number.I can't even begin to describe the unbelievable pain and fear I felt when it rang.....something I never want to experience again
so I answered the phone and it was just a stupid telemarketer! >:(
The phone rang again at about 1.15pm and it was the clinic this time, and she was ringing to tell me that my transfer will be at 8.30am tomorrow morning
so our precious little egg has survived so far and now we have an embryo!!!
It was the best news ever....and on Johnny's birthday!
It was five years ago today on Johnny's birthday that we brought our son home from hospital and this year on his birthday I was able to tell him that our very very precious egg has survived so far and that our embryo is now waiting to be put back inside me ♥♥♥
So we are off to the hospital nice and early tomorrow morning, I have to be there at 8.20am
My sister has kindly offered to look after Jakson for us so that Johnny can be there with me when our little embie is put back inside me.
My sister is not a morning person at all, so an offer like this from her is a very generous one (seeing as though we have to drop Jakson off at 6.45am!) lol
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
One :(
I had my egg pick up today and the result wasn't a positive one :(
We were hoping to get 8 or more eggs, but we only got one
I have no idea what went wrong or why there was only one.....I keep telling myself that there is only one because God knows that is all we will need
To say we are devastated is an understatement. We are shattered, just when we thought infertility could not take any more of us emotionally, it goes and does this.
We know it only takes one egg but the reason they stimulate the ovaries is to try and get as many eggs as safely possible so that they can have a few to try and fertilise because the reality is that not all eggs survive the fertilisation process and so you can have some frozen in case the first one that is transferred doesn't stick.
By not having any left to freeze, we have no option but to go through this whole process again if we do not get pregnant with this egg.
The clinic is going to try and fertilise that egg and hopefully if it survives the process than I will have it transferred back into me on Friday
I am so scared that I will get a call tomorrow saying the egg has not survived and it's all over for us :(
I think anytime my phone rings tomorrow I am going to get a horrible deep sinking feeling in my stomach
If the egg does survive than I should get a phone call tomorrow between 1-3pm to tell me what time the transfer will be....*fingers crossed* this is the phone call I get
We were hoping to get 8 or more eggs, but we only got one
I have no idea what went wrong or why there was only one.....I keep telling myself that there is only one because God knows that is all we will need
To say we are devastated is an understatement. We are shattered, just when we thought infertility could not take any more of us emotionally, it goes and does this.
We know it only takes one egg but the reason they stimulate the ovaries is to try and get as many eggs as safely possible so that they can have a few to try and fertilise because the reality is that not all eggs survive the fertilisation process and so you can have some frozen in case the first one that is transferred doesn't stick.
By not having any left to freeze, we have no option but to go through this whole process again if we do not get pregnant with this egg.
The clinic is going to try and fertilise that egg and hopefully if it survives the process than I will have it transferred back into me on Friday
I am so scared that I will get a call tomorrow saying the egg has not survived and it's all over for us :(
I think anytime my phone rings tomorrow I am going to get a horrible deep sinking feeling in my stomach
If the egg does survive than I should get a phone call tomorrow between 1-3pm to tell me what time the transfer will be....*fingers crossed* this is the phone call I get
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Egg Pick Up - Here We Come!
So tomorrow is the day they will collect my eggs!
To say we are excited, scared, worried and nervous is an understatement.
I would love to say that out of all of those emotions excited wins out but it doesn't, fear is the big one, the one that is right there at the front, the one that is pushing excitement to the back of the line.
Jakson is sleeping over at my sisters house tonight so we don't have to stress getting him up early at to kinder. I hate not having him sleeping in his own bed or in the same house as me but I know it will be easier for both us and him if he stays over at his aunts house.
We need to be at the hospital at 8am where I will be admitted and than go in for my procedure about 9am.
At 8 am Johnny will also have to go and give his donation to this process, lol
Than we wait until Friday when I go back to hopefully have an embryo put back in me **fingers crossed**
To say we are excited, scared, worried and nervous is an understatement.
I would love to say that out of all of those emotions excited wins out but it doesn't, fear is the big one, the one that is right there at the front, the one that is pushing excitement to the back of the line.
Jakson is sleeping over at my sisters house tonight so we don't have to stress getting him up early at to kinder. I hate not having him sleeping in his own bed or in the same house as me but I know it will be easier for both us and him if he stays over at his aunts house.
We need to be at the hospital at 8am where I will be admitted and than go in for my procedure about 9am.
At 8 am Johnny will also have to go and give his donation to this process, lol
Than we wait until Friday when I go back to hopefully have an embryo put back in me **fingers crossed**
Friday, July 2, 2010
Scans, scans and more scans!
So where are things at now?
Well this week I've had three scans to check and see how my follicles are developing (follicles are the tiny sacs of fluid that holds the egg).
My first scan on Monday showed that I had a couple of follicles, the second scan on Wednesday showed that I had about 4 (8 is the number they were aiming for) so they increased my Puregon (the drug that encourages follicle growth) and also put me on Cetrotide injections to stop me ovulating.
I went back today (7am! ekk LOL) for another scan and it showed I've got 7 to 8 good sized follicles and a few more that are still growing so I am staying on the Puregon and Cetrotide until Monday to give those last few follies a chance to grow bigger.
That means I will have been on Cetrotide for 6 days, the injections cost $105 each and I was lucky enough that the specialist had two extra ones at the clinic that she gave me so I only had to pay for 4 for them :)
On Monday I have to call the clinic and find out if I am to give myself the trigger injection on Monday or Tuesday.
If I have the trigger on Monday, than my eggs will be picked up on Wednesday and the embryo will be transferred back into me on Friday
If I have the trigger on Tuesday, than my eggs will be picked up on Thursday and the embryo will be transferred back into me on Saturday
So either way by Saturday I will have an embryo back inside me and hopefully growing **fingers crossed**
Than it's a very long two week wait to find out if I am pregnant of not
Well this week I've had three scans to check and see how my follicles are developing (follicles are the tiny sacs of fluid that holds the egg).
My first scan on Monday showed that I had a couple of follicles, the second scan on Wednesday showed that I had about 4 (8 is the number they were aiming for) so they increased my Puregon (the drug that encourages follicle growth) and also put me on Cetrotide injections to stop me ovulating.
I went back today (7am! ekk LOL) for another scan and it showed I've got 7 to 8 good sized follicles and a few more that are still growing so I am staying on the Puregon and Cetrotide until Monday to give those last few follies a chance to grow bigger.
That means I will have been on Cetrotide for 6 days, the injections cost $105 each and I was lucky enough that the specialist had two extra ones at the clinic that she gave me so I only had to pay for 4 for them :)
On Monday I have to call the clinic and find out if I am to give myself the trigger injection on Monday or Tuesday.
If I have the trigger on Monday, than my eggs will be picked up on Wednesday and the embryo will be transferred back into me on Friday
If I have the trigger on Tuesday, than my eggs will be picked up on Thursday and the embryo will be transferred back into me on Saturday
So either way by Saturday I will have an embryo back inside me and hopefully growing **fingers crossed**
Than it's a very long two week wait to find out if I am pregnant of not
Monday, June 28, 2010
Infertility, a mental game
I had a scan today to see how many follicles I have and if I am ready for the next stage. Unfortunately I only had 2 "okay-ish" looking follicles (they want me to have about 8 good looking ones) so now I will continue on the injections for a few days and have another scan on Wednesday to see if things are better.
If things are not better than than they will either up my dose of the injection to encourage a better reaction or cancel the cycle if things are still not looking good and hope next cycle is better on a higher dose.
This is where the mental games really comes into play, I have to really try and not over think or over analyse things. I have to remind myself that it can take some time to work out the right dose but that doesn't mean it won't work, I have to remind myself that what works for one person might not work for me and most importantly I have to remind myself that it's not over yet...it's just a bump in the road.
It's tough to make yourself believe all of those things and to not just want to give up or start to mentally prepare yourself for the cycle to fail
If things are not better than than they will either up my dose of the injection to encourage a better reaction or cancel the cycle if things are still not looking good and hope next cycle is better on a higher dose.
This is where the mental games really comes into play, I have to really try and not over think or over analyse things. I have to remind myself that it can take some time to work out the right dose but that doesn't mean it won't work, I have to remind myself that what works for one person might not work for me and most importantly I have to remind myself that it's not over yet...it's just a bump in the road.
It's tough to make yourself believe all of those things and to not just want to give up or start to mentally prepare yourself for the cycle to fail
Saturday, June 26, 2010
A happy medium
I really need to try and find a happy medium, if that's possible.
I keep going from being extremely optimistic and having my hopes right up there to crashing down and having such fear that this is all going to fail or something is going to go wrong
I wish I knew how to get to that place where I am prepared in case it doesn't work out but also so hopeful and optimistic that it will work.....
I went in to this with the highest hopes possible, so sure it was all going to work but now, well now I'm not so sure. Maybe it's because it's so close now, I have a scan on Monday to see if we're ready to go to the next stage or if I need some more injection or if we need to cancel this cycle (if my body has under or over stimulated).
We also have had to two very close friends go through the tragedy of miscarriage, and both happened in very similar circumstances :(
It has been truly heartbreaking to see them go through this and really makes me think that even if IVF is successful it doesn't mean will we get a baby
I'm hoping that these less than positive thoughts will go away, hopefully they are just a fleeting thought and I can go back to thinking of getting that positive pregnancy test, thinking about how we are going to tell people, thinking about how we are going to explain to Jakson why the baby is in my tummy for so long rather than having to explain why it is taking so long to get the baby in my tummy :)
I keep going from being extremely optimistic and having my hopes right up there to crashing down and having such fear that this is all going to fail or something is going to go wrong
I wish I knew how to get to that place where I am prepared in case it doesn't work out but also so hopeful and optimistic that it will work.....
I went in to this with the highest hopes possible, so sure it was all going to work but now, well now I'm not so sure. Maybe it's because it's so close now, I have a scan on Monday to see if we're ready to go to the next stage or if I need some more injection or if we need to cancel this cycle (if my body has under or over stimulated).
We also have had to two very close friends go through the tragedy of miscarriage, and both happened in very similar circumstances :(
It has been truly heartbreaking to see them go through this and really makes me think that even if IVF is successful it doesn't mean will we get a baby
I'm hoping that these less than positive thoughts will go away, hopefully they are just a fleeting thought and I can go back to thinking of getting that positive pregnancy test, thinking about how we are going to tell people, thinking about how we are going to explain to Jakson why the baby is in my tummy for so long rather than having to explain why it is taking so long to get the baby in my tummy :)
Thursday, June 24, 2010
A little update
I am have two injection so far and both have been very painful :(
Although it is the same drug I am using as I did last cycle, this time is it much more painful.
This is probably because it is triple the does and also because I found out you are supposed to keep it in the fridge (I didn't do that last cycle, but it would have been ok because it's winter so it would have always been under 25 degrees) so perhaps having it cold makes it sting more?? Whatever the reason, they are not fun :(
A little bit of TMI (too much information) for you all now, but hey...I've already shared a lot with you, LOL
This period has been the worst I have ever had in my life :(
I am extremely exhausted and drained. I am dizzy, giddy and often feel very light headed to the point I have to hold on to something so I don't fall...I can't believe some people have to deal with this every cycle, I don't think I would be able to.
I'm hoping as my period finished and I move on to the next lot of injections I will be feeling better and have some energy back, I would hate to feel like this for the entire cycle
Although it is the same drug I am using as I did last cycle, this time is it much more painful.
This is probably because it is triple the does and also because I found out you are supposed to keep it in the fridge (I didn't do that last cycle, but it would have been ok because it's winter so it would have always been under 25 degrees) so perhaps having it cold makes it sting more?? Whatever the reason, they are not fun :(
A little bit of TMI (too much information) for you all now, but hey...I've already shared a lot with you, LOL
This period has been the worst I have ever had in my life :(
I am extremely exhausted and drained. I am dizzy, giddy and often feel very light headed to the point I have to hold on to something so I don't fall...I can't believe some people have to deal with this every cycle, I don't think I would be able to.
I'm hoping as my period finished and I move on to the next lot of injections I will be feeling better and have some energy back, I would hate to feel like this for the entire cycle
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
A smile
Johnny and I were laying bed yesterday talking about what we are about to go through and I said to him 'what are you going to do when I tell you I'm pregnant?'
The smile that then appeared on his face was beautiful, it was one of those smiles where you could tell he was trying not to smile (he is trying to not get his hopes up to much) but he couldn't hold back, the joy that he showed me at just the thought of me being pregnant......that is why I am doing this, because I know when I really do get to tell him I'm pregnant that smile will be a million times bigger and better than that beautiful one I saw yesterday :)
The smile that then appeared on his face was beautiful, it was one of those smiles where you could tell he was trying not to smile (he is trying to not get his hopes up to much) but he couldn't hold back, the joy that he showed me at just the thought of me being pregnant......that is why I am doing this, because I know when I really do get to tell him I'm pregnant that smile will be a million times bigger and better than that beautiful one I saw yesterday :)
Our IVF cycle explained
IVF can be confusing even for the people going through it so I am going to try my best to explain it to you all.
There are many different IVF cycles that you can do, different cycles use different methods and drugs.
The IVF cycle that we are doing is called an 'Antagonist ICSI Cycle'
The first day of my period is cycle day 1 (CD1)
FHS Injections:
From CD3 up til (and including) CD7 I will be injecting Puregon which contains FHS.
FHS is a synthetic hormone which stimulates development of ovarian follicles (the sac of fluid that contains the egg) the eggs are than collected from these follicles later on.
Stimulation Scan:
On CD8 I will have an internal scan to measure the endometrial thickness, size and number of follicles on each ovary.
The largest follicle will be identified and once that one reaches 12-14mm in size the doctor will order antagonist injections to begin.
If I have had a poor or over stimulated response to the FHS injections than the cycle may be cancelled.
Antagonist and Trigger Injections:
What is an antagonist injection?
Up until my scan I would not have had any drugs to stop me ovulating (releasing the egg naturally).
The antagonist injection works to prevent ovulation by suppressing my own natural production of Lustenising Hormone.
Once my follicles have reached 14mm than ovulation could occur naturally and therefore the antagonist injection is required to stop it.
I may have to take antagonist injections for one to four days up until the day of my trigger injection.
The role of the trigger injection is to trigger the final maturation of the eggs ready for my ovum pick up (OPU).
This injection is a one off injection and is usually given 37 hours before OPU is scheduled.
Ovum Pick Up (OPU):
One the day of OPU Johnny will have to give a fresh sperm sample and I will go in for the OPU procedure.
It is generally done in the morning and that actual procedure takes about 20 minutes depending on how many follicles there are.
I will be put under general anaesthetic.
The needle is passed through the vaginal wall into the ovary and one follicle is aspirated (sucked up, lol) into a test tube at a time.
The test tube containing the follicular fluid is then immediately passed to the adjacent Melbourne IVF laboratory and checked to ascertain whether it contains an egg.
This process continues until all the follicles seen on the ultrasound as aspirated, the same procedure is than carried out on the other ovary.
We are doing an ICSI cycle (IntraCytoplasmic Sperm Injection) , which means they will pick the best possible sperm they can and insert them directly into each egg (non ICSI cycles they just put them both in the dish and let the sperm do their thing of penetrating the egg). When the egg has been fertilised by the sperm it than becomes an embryo.
Two days after the they have created the embryos we will have an embryo transfer
Embryo Transfer (ET):
We will than go back to the same hospital where the OPU took place and have 1 embryo put back in.
The ET will take about 15 minutes and there is no preparation required.
Some women describe the ET as having the same amount of discomfort as a pap smear.
Following the ET I will than have 14 days of Luteal Phase Support
If we have been able to get more than one embryo the rest will be frozen (they can be frozen for years) in case we want/need to use them down the track.
Luteal Phase Support:
The Luteal Phase Support I will be using is called Crinone.
Crinone contains a natural progesterone (a hormone that is produced by the ovaries during the second half of the menstrual cycle).
Progesterone is needed to prepare the uterus for pregnancy and to help maintain the pregnancy until the placenta is developed - a process known as Luteal Phase Support.
Women who do not produce enough progesterone may have difficulties in becoming pregnant and may have a higher risk of miscarriage.
Pregnancy Test:
14 days after the embryo transfer I will have a pregnancy test to see if the IVF cycle has been successful or not.
Please keep your fingers crossed that we get a positive test :)
So that's it! It's amazing the technology we have available to us, we are very luck that we can access this type of medical assistance
There are many different IVF cycles that you can do, different cycles use different methods and drugs.
The IVF cycle that we are doing is called an 'Antagonist ICSI Cycle'
The first day of my period is cycle day 1 (CD1)
FHS Injections:
From CD3 up til (and including) CD7 I will be injecting Puregon which contains FHS.
FHS is a synthetic hormone which stimulates development of ovarian follicles (the sac of fluid that contains the egg) the eggs are than collected from these follicles later on.
Stimulation Scan:
On CD8 I will have an internal scan to measure the endometrial thickness, size and number of follicles on each ovary.
The largest follicle will be identified and once that one reaches 12-14mm in size the doctor will order antagonist injections to begin.
If I have had a poor or over stimulated response to the FHS injections than the cycle may be cancelled.
Antagonist and Trigger Injections:
What is an antagonist injection?
Up until my scan I would not have had any drugs to stop me ovulating (releasing the egg naturally).
The antagonist injection works to prevent ovulation by suppressing my own natural production of Lustenising Hormone.
Once my follicles have reached 14mm than ovulation could occur naturally and therefore the antagonist injection is required to stop it.
I may have to take antagonist injections for one to four days up until the day of my trigger injection.
The role of the trigger injection is to trigger the final maturation of the eggs ready for my ovum pick up (OPU).
This injection is a one off injection and is usually given 37 hours before OPU is scheduled.
Ovum Pick Up (OPU):
One the day of OPU Johnny will have to give a fresh sperm sample and I will go in for the OPU procedure.
It is generally done in the morning and that actual procedure takes about 20 minutes depending on how many follicles there are.
I will be put under general anaesthetic.
The needle is passed through the vaginal wall into the ovary and one follicle is aspirated (sucked up, lol) into a test tube at a time.
The test tube containing the follicular fluid is then immediately passed to the adjacent Melbourne IVF laboratory and checked to ascertain whether it contains an egg.
This process continues until all the follicles seen on the ultrasound as aspirated, the same procedure is than carried out on the other ovary.
We are doing an ICSI cycle (IntraCytoplasmic Sperm Injection) , which means they will pick the best possible sperm they can and insert them directly into each egg (non ICSI cycles they just put them both in the dish and let the sperm do their thing of penetrating the egg). When the egg has been fertilised by the sperm it than becomes an embryo.
Two days after the they have created the embryos we will have an embryo transfer
Embryo Transfer (ET):
We will than go back to the same hospital where the OPU took place and have 1 embryo put back in.
The ET will take about 15 minutes and there is no preparation required.
Some women describe the ET as having the same amount of discomfort as a pap smear.
Following the ET I will than have 14 days of Luteal Phase Support
If we have been able to get more than one embryo the rest will be frozen (they can be frozen for years) in case we want/need to use them down the track.
Luteal Phase Support:
The Luteal Phase Support I will be using is called Crinone.
Crinone contains a natural progesterone (a hormone that is produced by the ovaries during the second half of the menstrual cycle).
Progesterone is needed to prepare the uterus for pregnancy and to help maintain the pregnancy until the placenta is developed - a process known as Luteal Phase Support.
Women who do not produce enough progesterone may have difficulties in becoming pregnant and may have a higher risk of miscarriage.
Pregnancy Test:
14 days after the embryo transfer I will have a pregnancy test to see if the IVF cycle has been successful or not.
Please keep your fingers crossed that we get a positive test :)
So that's it! It's amazing the technology we have available to us, we are very luck that we can access this type of medical assistance
Monday, June 21, 2010
It's all happening now
Well my period decided to come earlier than usual this month, it was due around Wednesday/Thursday but came today instead!
So freaking out a bit this morning that we were going to miss our chance this month because I wasn't due to see the nurse & accounts department until Friday - meaning I would be too late to start the treatment this month.
However after a quick phone call to our IVF clinic I was able to change the appointments to see the nurse tomorrow and accounts department today :)
We also had our counselling session today and to be honest neither of us were looking forward to it.
I will be honest and say that we didn't come away from it any more knowledgeable or prepared and if it were optional instead of mandatory we would not have done it.
Everything that was explained to us were things we already knew.
Before deciding the IVF was the path for us we made sure we were well informed and knew what was involved.
We did however sign the legal forms of what to do with any left over eggs or sperm that we do not use, we have chosen to donate them for medical research.
We also had to make the decision on what we want the other to do with any left over Embryos' should one of us pass away, we both chose to allow the other to use them.
Overall for us I wouldn't say this session was helpful, that's probably because there was no new information for us but it is good to know that we can access the counselors at any time should we feel we need some extra support.
After the counselling session we had our appointment with the accounts department, where we went through the fees and payment options.
We have now payed for the full IVF cycle, that was a bit of a relief to get that out of the way.
Tomorrow I have the appointment with the nurse where she will talk me through everything I have to do, starting with injections on Wednesday and a scan next week.
There is going to be a lot of information to take in but I think I'm ready for it, I guess too bad if I'm not ready because this is happening....and happening NOW! :)
So freaking out a bit this morning that we were going to miss our chance this month because I wasn't due to see the nurse & accounts department until Friday - meaning I would be too late to start the treatment this month.
However after a quick phone call to our IVF clinic I was able to change the appointments to see the nurse tomorrow and accounts department today :)
We also had our counselling session today and to be honest neither of us were looking forward to it.
I will be honest and say that we didn't come away from it any more knowledgeable or prepared and if it were optional instead of mandatory we would not have done it.
Everything that was explained to us were things we already knew.
Before deciding the IVF was the path for us we made sure we were well informed and knew what was involved.
We did however sign the legal forms of what to do with any left over eggs or sperm that we do not use, we have chosen to donate them for medical research.
We also had to make the decision on what we want the other to do with any left over Embryos' should one of us pass away, we both chose to allow the other to use them.
Overall for us I wouldn't say this session was helpful, that's probably because there was no new information for us but it is good to know that we can access the counselors at any time should we feel we need some extra support.
After the counselling session we had our appointment with the accounts department, where we went through the fees and payment options.
We have now payed for the full IVF cycle, that was a bit of a relief to get that out of the way.
Tomorrow I have the appointment with the nurse where she will talk me through everything I have to do, starting with injections on Wednesday and a scan next week.
There is going to be a lot of information to take in but I think I'm ready for it, I guess too bad if I'm not ready because this is happening....and happening NOW! :)
Sunday, June 20, 2010
When to tell?
****** I want to start off by saying that this post talks about a very sensitive topic, miscarriage ******
We could be starting IVF as early as this week!
The closer it gets the more questions it has brought up between Johnny and myself and one of the biggest ones is if we do have a successful cycle, when do we tell people?
I know it is very common to with until the 12 week mark to make the announcement and that was our intention when we had Jakson however sever morning sickness (or all day sickness) meant the excuse of 'I have the flu' or 'just not feeling well' didn't cut it and we had to tell everyone our good news.
One of the reasons I wanted to wait until the 12 weeks mark with Jakson was because miscarriage is very common in my family. It's something you never want to think about but something that had fear run through me right throughout the pregnancy.
At about the 11 week mark of my pregnancy I thought my fears had come true when on Christmas Eve 2004 I was at my mother in laws house and suddenly felt very wet.
I went to the toilet and have never seen so much blood, my underwear and pants were soaked in blood.
We went straight to emergency and being Christmas Eve, there wasn't much they could do for us.
They had a very old ultrasound machine, so old that they had to keep tapping the screen to stop it cutting out!
We were very lucky that we got to see our baby and know he was ok.
But for every day for the rest of my pregnancy I bleed, some days it was only small and others bigger but each and every day there was blood.
I was never given a reason, they eventually told us that it was probably coming from behind the placenta but nothing to worry about as the baby always seemed fine.
That moment on Christmas Eve will stay with me forever, that feeling of complete and utter fear, that feeling of the not knowing if everything was ok or not...that feeling will never leave me.
I feel truly blessed that we got to go on and have a healthy baby at full term, many others are not so lucky and my heart goes out to them.
I will admit that I was very uninformed about miscarriage, I thought if you got past those first few weeks you were pretty much safe, get past 12 weeks and it should all be easy sailing but I was very wrong.
Over the past two and a half years my eyes have been opened very wide to the fact that there is no safe time in pregnancy, tragedy can strike at any time :(
So this brings me back to the question that we have been asking ourselves, when do we tell people?
Do we wait for the traditional safe 12 week announcement or do we share our joy with those that have given us unconditional support and love during our struggles?
If we tell people than of course, we need to tell Jakson.
But what if the unimaginable happens and we than have to tell Jakson that his baby brother or sister is no longer with us?
I have seen many beautiful couples that have had to make that announcement where they tell people their baby is no longer with them and for each and every announcement like that that I have heard, my heart has broken :( I have shed many tears for these people and wished I could take their pain away.
So what does it come down to for us?
I think it is that there really is no safe time to wait, and that if we do have to break that heartbreaking news to Jakson and family/friends than just to hope it will just be another challenge we have to face and hope it makes us stronger.
We have had so much support from people, I just don't know if I could hold out when we do get that amazing news that we are pregnant.
In a way I feel that I owe it to everyone who has read this blog, taken time to send us messages or gifts, wished us good luck or given advice and just for all of those who have been apart of this journey we are on.
Whatever we decide, you can be assured that when we do announce we are pregnant it will be a big announcement ;)
We could be starting IVF as early as this week!
The closer it gets the more questions it has brought up between Johnny and myself and one of the biggest ones is if we do have a successful cycle, when do we tell people?
I know it is very common to with until the 12 week mark to make the announcement and that was our intention when we had Jakson however sever morning sickness (or all day sickness) meant the excuse of 'I have the flu' or 'just not feeling well' didn't cut it and we had to tell everyone our good news.
One of the reasons I wanted to wait until the 12 weeks mark with Jakson was because miscarriage is very common in my family. It's something you never want to think about but something that had fear run through me right throughout the pregnancy.
At about the 11 week mark of my pregnancy I thought my fears had come true when on Christmas Eve 2004 I was at my mother in laws house and suddenly felt very wet.
I went to the toilet and have never seen so much blood, my underwear and pants were soaked in blood.
We went straight to emergency and being Christmas Eve, there wasn't much they could do for us.
They had a very old ultrasound machine, so old that they had to keep tapping the screen to stop it cutting out!
We were very lucky that we got to see our baby and know he was ok.
But for every day for the rest of my pregnancy I bleed, some days it was only small and others bigger but each and every day there was blood.
I was never given a reason, they eventually told us that it was probably coming from behind the placenta but nothing to worry about as the baby always seemed fine.
That moment on Christmas Eve will stay with me forever, that feeling of complete and utter fear, that feeling of the not knowing if everything was ok or not...that feeling will never leave me.
I feel truly blessed that we got to go on and have a healthy baby at full term, many others are not so lucky and my heart goes out to them.
I will admit that I was very uninformed about miscarriage, I thought if you got past those first few weeks you were pretty much safe, get past 12 weeks and it should all be easy sailing but I was very wrong.
Over the past two and a half years my eyes have been opened very wide to the fact that there is no safe time in pregnancy, tragedy can strike at any time :(
So this brings me back to the question that we have been asking ourselves, when do we tell people?
Do we wait for the traditional safe 12 week announcement or do we share our joy with those that have given us unconditional support and love during our struggles?
If we tell people than of course, we need to tell Jakson.
But what if the unimaginable happens and we than have to tell Jakson that his baby brother or sister is no longer with us?
I have seen many beautiful couples that have had to make that announcement where they tell people their baby is no longer with them and for each and every announcement like that that I have heard, my heart has broken :( I have shed many tears for these people and wished I could take their pain away.
So what does it come down to for us?
I think it is that there really is no safe time to wait, and that if we do have to break that heartbreaking news to Jakson and family/friends than just to hope it will just be another challenge we have to face and hope it makes us stronger.
We have had so much support from people, I just don't know if I could hold out when we do get that amazing news that we are pregnant.
In a way I feel that I owe it to everyone who has read this blog, taken time to send us messages or gifts, wished us good luck or given advice and just for all of those who have been apart of this journey we are on.
Whatever we decide, you can be assured that when we do announce we are pregnant it will be a big announcement ;)
Friday, June 18, 2010
Optimistic vs Pessimistic
I think it's pretty fair to say that in our relationship I am the more optimistic one and Johnny is the more pessimistic one
I have always been a half glass full kinda girl, always try to look for the positive and see the good in people.
But infertility has tested all of that, it's made me look at myself and what I truly do believe.
I've always believed that if we did get to the stage of needing IVF than it would work, no doubt about it. I have been pregnant before and carried to full term, I have never had a miscarriage (that I know of) and the only problem we have had is the conception part.
However after watching so many beautiful ladies go through many IVF attempts and each attempt being unsuccessful it has really made me wonder if it will work for us.
Most people don't ever find out why it doesn't work for them, it's just one of those things that there is no reason...it just is the way it is.
Will we be one of there couples who have to go through many attempts, I'm not sure if I'm ready for that.
Having an unsuccessful IVF attempt would be one of the hardest things imaginable....
The closer we get to starting IVF the less optimistic I am becoming, I guess it's easy to say you're an optimist and always look for the good if you've never been tested, if you've never had the core of your belief pushed to the limits, if you've never had to examine the person you deep down.
I have always been a half glass full kinda girl, always try to look for the positive and see the good in people.
But infertility has tested all of that, it's made me look at myself and what I truly do believe.
I've always believed that if we did get to the stage of needing IVF than it would work, no doubt about it. I have been pregnant before and carried to full term, I have never had a miscarriage (that I know of) and the only problem we have had is the conception part.
However after watching so many beautiful ladies go through many IVF attempts and each attempt being unsuccessful it has really made me wonder if it will work for us.
Most people don't ever find out why it doesn't work for them, it's just one of those things that there is no reason...it just is the way it is.
Will we be one of there couples who have to go through many attempts, I'm not sure if I'm ready for that.
Having an unsuccessful IVF attempt would be one of the hardest things imaginable....
The closer we get to starting IVF the less optimistic I am becoming, I guess it's easy to say you're an optimist and always look for the good if you've never been tested, if you've never had the core of your belief pushed to the limits, if you've never had to examine the person you deep down.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Blogging
Why do I blog? What do I get from it?
I started blogging because I was in a very dark place, a place where I didn't know how to handle all the thoughts and feelings anymore.
I needed a place where I could get it all out instead of laying in bed to the early hours of the morning just thinking about things over and over...I needed to get it out of my head.
So as a last resort I started blogging. I have never been one to keep a diary or journal, never did any of the growing up...I wish I'd know how therapeutic it can be.
I haven't made this blog to justify or validate my feelings, my thoughts and feelings are what they are and blog or no blog they are here.
This blog has given me the opportunity to release them in the hope that I will be able to understand them.
This blog isn't for anyone but me, there are no passive aggressive, hidden or cryptic messages...it is my place, my place to work through everything.
Deciding to share my blog with family and friends was a somewhat hard decision.
I wanted to know that I could be as open and honest as possible, would I be able to do that with my nearest and dearest reading it?
I eventually decided that if I were to be open and honest it had to be with everyone, and therefore I started to share the link for this blog with everyone.
Although I haven't done this blog for anyone but myself, but I have been very humbled by messages from people telling me that by sharing our story it is helping them know what they think and feel is ok.
I started blogging because I was in a very dark place, a place where I didn't know how to handle all the thoughts and feelings anymore.
I needed a place where I could get it all out instead of laying in bed to the early hours of the morning just thinking about things over and over...I needed to get it out of my head.
So as a last resort I started blogging. I have never been one to keep a diary or journal, never did any of the growing up...I wish I'd know how therapeutic it can be.
I haven't made this blog to justify or validate my feelings, my thoughts and feelings are what they are and blog or no blog they are here.
This blog has given me the opportunity to release them in the hope that I will be able to understand them.
This blog isn't for anyone but me, there are no passive aggressive, hidden or cryptic messages...it is my place, my place to work through everything.
Deciding to share my blog with family and friends was a somewhat hard decision.
I wanted to know that I could be as open and honest as possible, would I be able to do that with my nearest and dearest reading it?
I eventually decided that if I were to be open and honest it had to be with everyone, and therefore I started to share the link for this blog with everyone.
Although I haven't done this blog for anyone but myself, but I have been very humbled by messages from people telling me that by sharing our story it is helping them know what they think and feel is ok.
Drugs!
Well after having a few weeks off the evil drug, I have started them again :(
What is the evil drug I speak of you ask? well it's called Metformin and it is horrible!
When I first started them last year I was bedridden for the first 3 weeks!
It was truly horrible :( this was the time when Jakson came into the bedroom and asked me 'mummy, are you dying' even to a 4yr old it was obvious how bad the side effects were
After that I spoke to the doctor and got put on the slow release version, which has been a bit better but I still get most of the side effects.
The drug is to help with my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) that I have.
Because of PCOS my body does not break down insulin the way most people do, this can be called "insulin resistant" a condition where excessive amounts of insulin are required in order to get blood glucose moved into cells, where it belongs. Metformin helps the body to transport glucose with relatively less insulin, thus lowering insulin levels. Chronically high levels of either glucose or insulin in your blood contributes to obesity, heart disease, infertility, and certain cancers, as well as the development of diabetes.
Most women who use Metformin to help treat PCOS discontinue it because of the side effect, some of which can be:
- diarrhea, gas and bloating, abdominal discomfort, nausea, and vomiting
- Inhibiting of Vitamin B12 absorption - potentially lead to anemia
I, unfortunately have had all of these side effects....and on a daily basis :(
It's hard, really hard. I am reluctant to go to some social situations because of these side effects, or I am just not up to going because I'm so drained from throwing up or being of the toilet for the other reason, lol
This drug has really taken it's toll on me, both physically and emotionally.
I'm exhausted and so moody....I really don't know how Johnny and Jakson have put up with me :(
I know I have to take them (and will have to until at least 3 months into my pregnancy..when that happens) but I really needed a break for them so for a few weeks I stopped taking them.
Now that I'm back on them, I'm really hoping my body readjusts to them quickly.
What is the evil drug I speak of you ask? well it's called Metformin and it is horrible!
When I first started them last year I was bedridden for the first 3 weeks!
It was truly horrible :( this was the time when Jakson came into the bedroom and asked me 'mummy, are you dying' even to a 4yr old it was obvious how bad the side effects were
After that I spoke to the doctor and got put on the slow release version, which has been a bit better but I still get most of the side effects.
The drug is to help with my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) that I have.
Because of PCOS my body does not break down insulin the way most people do, this can be called "insulin resistant" a condition where excessive amounts of insulin are required in order to get blood glucose moved into cells, where it belongs. Metformin helps the body to transport glucose with relatively less insulin, thus lowering insulin levels. Chronically high levels of either glucose or insulin in your blood contributes to obesity, heart disease, infertility, and certain cancers, as well as the development of diabetes.
Most women who use Metformin to help treat PCOS discontinue it because of the side effect, some of which can be:
- diarrhea, gas and bloating, abdominal discomfort, nausea, and vomiting
- Inhibiting of Vitamin B12 absorption - potentially lead to anemia
I, unfortunately have had all of these side effects....and on a daily basis :(
It's hard, really hard. I am reluctant to go to some social situations because of these side effects, or I am just not up to going because I'm so drained from throwing up or being of the toilet for the other reason, lol
This drug has really taken it's toll on me, both physically and emotionally.
I'm exhausted and so moody....I really don't know how Johnny and Jakson have put up with me :(
I know I have to take them (and will have to until at least 3 months into my pregnancy..when that happens) but I really needed a break for them so for a few weeks I stopped taking them.
Now that I'm back on them, I'm really hoping my body readjusts to them quickly.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Time
I'm on a bit of a blogging roll today, LOL
I think I've just got so much going on in my head, I just need to get it out :)
Time! how can it be that I always feel so busy and yet nothing seems to get done?!
Appointments, work, being a parent and partner, housework.....it never seems to end
Along with trying to fit all of our fertility specialist appointments in, there are also tests and treatments to try and get to while working around Johnny's shifts at work and Jakson's kinder days (he is only in 3 days a week), we always seem to only be able to book appointments on days that he is home and taking him with us is not an easy task at all! all I can say is thank goodness for portable DVD players and sultanas, lol
On top of all that I have to try and fit in weekly physio and doctors appointments for my knee injury....and now I have to go see an orthopedic surgeon for it, so I'm sure there will be more tests and treatment to come for that too!
Work is about to get hectic for me for the next 3 weeks, not the best timing when we are trying to start IVF.
AND we're trying to get things organised for Jakson's birthday on July 1st!
He is having three parties!!! One at kinder, one at a restaurant (well just dinner not a party) on the night of his birthday with family and one on the Sunday after his birthday for all his friends :)
I had a friend message me the other day to see when we can catch up, and I had to tell her honestly that I just don't have the time at the moment :(
It's hard enough trying to find time for Johnny, Jakson and myself to have some family time, let alone trying to fit in things to do with friends.
Trying to organise a catch up with some other friends is like trying to find a needle in a haystack.....working out when we are all free at the same time is an absolute nightmare!
I'm sure when I was younger I said I can't wait to grow up......if only I knew how stressful it is to be a grown up!
I think I've just got so much going on in my head, I just need to get it out :)
Time! how can it be that I always feel so busy and yet nothing seems to get done?!
Appointments, work, being a parent and partner, housework.....it never seems to end
Along with trying to fit all of our fertility specialist appointments in, there are also tests and treatments to try and get to while working around Johnny's shifts at work and Jakson's kinder days (he is only in 3 days a week), we always seem to only be able to book appointments on days that he is home and taking him with us is not an easy task at all! all I can say is thank goodness for portable DVD players and sultanas, lol
On top of all that I have to try and fit in weekly physio and doctors appointments for my knee injury....and now I have to go see an orthopedic surgeon for it, so I'm sure there will be more tests and treatment to come for that too!
Work is about to get hectic for me for the next 3 weeks, not the best timing when we are trying to start IVF.
AND we're trying to get things organised for Jakson's birthday on July 1st!
He is having three parties!!! One at kinder, one at a restaurant (well just dinner not a party) on the night of his birthday with family and one on the Sunday after his birthday for all his friends :)
I had a friend message me the other day to see when we can catch up, and I had to tell her honestly that I just don't have the time at the moment :(
It's hard enough trying to find time for Johnny, Jakson and myself to have some family time, let alone trying to fit in things to do with friends.
Trying to organise a catch up with some other friends is like trying to find a needle in a haystack.....working out when we are all free at the same time is an absolute nightmare!
I'm sure when I was younger I said I can't wait to grow up......if only I knew how stressful it is to be a grown up!
Coping
Going on from my last post about the coping mechanism I used, I wonder what other things I have done (both consciously and subconsciously) to cope through all of this.
I like to think of myself as a loving and caring person who tried to help others and support them, but am I really?
I think it's been easier for me to support strangers (and by strangers, I mean ladies I know but have never met - ladies that are on the pregnancy and parenting forum I am on and ladies that I have shared a lot with, as they have with me) than it is to with those nearest and dearest to me.
One example; my sister is very pregnant at the moment, she is due in August so doesn't have long to go at all and yet I have never rubbed or even touched her belly....I struggle to even even look at it :(
Yet I will look at pregnancy belly photos on the forum and FB and comment on how beautiful they are.
It's quite strange that I can feel more comfortable with people I have never met than with my own sister, or close friends.
So is it bitterness that has made me this way, or jealousy or maybe it's just a coping mechanism that I need to do to get through it all - for the pregnancy closest to me are going to mean more too.
It's not that I don't want to see those closest to me happy, I think it's just that I wish I had someone to talk to about all of this who isn't currently pregnant....someone I can go out with for a coffee without having to avoid seeing their belly, or talk about their pregnancy.
I wish I knew how to get over that bitterness, envy and resentment (not towards them, but towards myself) and join in the joy of their pregnancy but at the moment I have no idea how to do that :(
I really wish I was a better person than what I am
I like to think of myself as a loving and caring person who tried to help others and support them, but am I really?
I think it's been easier for me to support strangers (and by strangers, I mean ladies I know but have never met - ladies that are on the pregnancy and parenting forum I am on and ladies that I have shared a lot with, as they have with me) than it is to with those nearest and dearest to me.
One example; my sister is very pregnant at the moment, she is due in August so doesn't have long to go at all and yet I have never rubbed or even touched her belly....I struggle to even even look at it :(
Yet I will look at pregnancy belly photos on the forum and FB and comment on how beautiful they are.
It's quite strange that I can feel more comfortable with people I have never met than with my own sister, or close friends.
So is it bitterness that has made me this way, or jealousy or maybe it's just a coping mechanism that I need to do to get through it all - for the pregnancy closest to me are going to mean more too.
It's not that I don't want to see those closest to me happy, I think it's just that I wish I had someone to talk to about all of this who isn't currently pregnant....someone I can go out with for a coffee without having to avoid seeing their belly, or talk about their pregnancy.
I wish I knew how to get over that bitterness, envy and resentment (not towards them, but towards myself) and join in the joy of their pregnancy but at the moment I have no idea how to do that :(
I really wish I was a better person than what I am
15 days
It's 15 days until my little boy turns 5!
and that means it's 15 days until he think I will have a baby in my tummy.
After being asked every day by him if I had a baby in my tummy yet, I told him that I wouldn't have one until after his birthday....at that time, it seemed like we still had plenty of time to fall pregnant.
Well now it's only 15 days away, and I hate that I told him something that I won't be able to follow through with, but at the time it was a coping mechanism for me.
I went to pick him up from kinder yesterday and was told by his teacher 'I hear congratulations is in order' :(
it turns out that my 4yr old niece had told the kinder teacher that I have a baby in my tummy, Jakson kindly corrected her that I won't have one until his birthday.
When his birthday does roll around, how am I going to tell him that I still don't have that baby in my tummy, that I don't know when I will have one and that I don't know why I don't have one yet :(
I just pray that he isn't going to ask me on his actual birthday...hopefully he will be to distracted to think about it.
After his birthday I can deal with it, but not on is birthday....I just want to celebrate my baby boy growing up into my little man
and that means it's 15 days until he think I will have a baby in my tummy.
After being asked every day by him if I had a baby in my tummy yet, I told him that I wouldn't have one until after his birthday....at that time, it seemed like we still had plenty of time to fall pregnant.
Well now it's only 15 days away, and I hate that I told him something that I won't be able to follow through with, but at the time it was a coping mechanism for me.
I went to pick him up from kinder yesterday and was told by his teacher 'I hear congratulations is in order' :(
it turns out that my 4yr old niece had told the kinder teacher that I have a baby in my tummy, Jakson kindly corrected her that I won't have one until his birthday.
When his birthday does roll around, how am I going to tell him that I still don't have that baby in my tummy, that I don't know when I will have one and that I don't know why I don't have one yet :(
I just pray that he isn't going to ask me on his actual birthday...hopefully he will be to distracted to think about it.
After his birthday I can deal with it, but not on is birthday....I just want to celebrate my baby boy growing up into my little man
Some good news :)
As I mentioned in my last post, we had another appointment with our specialist.
We started talking about the IVF treatment we would be undertaking and the doctor asked me how I felt about it, I expressed how it's upsetting that it takes so long (6-7 weeks) just for one cycle :(
so the doctor decided to change my treatment to a different IVF cycle which is only 30 days!! YAY
It's called an Antagonist cycle - a very aggressive sounding name but I guess infertility requires aggressive treatment to get the results we want.
We were also able to change the appointments with the nurse, counsellor and accounts department so that we might be able to start next cycle (if my period can hold off until around the 24th - fingers crossed)
We have our counselling appointment (that be both legally have to attend) on Monday the 21st and I have the nurse and accounts appointments on the 25th
So this means we could be starting IVF as soon as next week! and EPU (egg pick up) where they collect my eggs and fertilise them could happen as soon as July 8th or 9th!!!!! and we will hand a result (good or bad) by the end of July
It's all so real now, within reach......this really is going to happen!
We started talking about the IVF treatment we would be undertaking and the doctor asked me how I felt about it, I expressed how it's upsetting that it takes so long (6-7 weeks) just for one cycle :(
so the doctor decided to change my treatment to a different IVF cycle which is only 30 days!! YAY
It's called an Antagonist cycle - a very aggressive sounding name but I guess infertility requires aggressive treatment to get the results we want.
We were also able to change the appointments with the nurse, counsellor and accounts department so that we might be able to start next cycle (if my period can hold off until around the 24th - fingers crossed)
We have our counselling appointment (that be both legally have to attend) on Monday the 21st and I have the nurse and accounts appointments on the 25th
So this means we could be starting IVF as soon as next week! and EPU (egg pick up) where they collect my eggs and fertilise them could happen as soon as July 8th or 9th!!!!! and we will hand a result (good or bad) by the end of July
It's all so real now, within reach......this really is going to happen!
Monday, June 14, 2010
Another appointment tomorrow
We have another appointment with our specialist tomorrow
This time it's an appointment for both Johnny and I to go through all the IVF stuff. I'm nervous, there is so much info we're going to have to take in and comprehend and so many emotions we're going to have to be fighting back.
We're lucky that we were able to book Jakson into kinder for an extra day (he does not normally go on Tuesdays) so we don't have to take him with us and be distracted by him, that takes a bit of the stress off us.
What I know so far is the IVF treatment (there are a few different kinds you can do) is going to take around 6-7weeks from the first day of my cycle!
My next cycle is due to start around the 22nd of this month and if we don't have all our pre-IVF appointments (nurse, counsellor, accounts...)completed we will miss out on starting it next cycle.
At the moment we have all our checks back but our appointments are scheduled for July 2nd, so I'm really hoping that we can get them brought forward to before my cycle is due to start.....if we can change the appointments than we will be starting IVF this month!!! Ekkkk!
Hopefully it all goes well tomorrow, wish us luck =)
This time it's an appointment for both Johnny and I to go through all the IVF stuff. I'm nervous, there is so much info we're going to have to take in and comprehend and so many emotions we're going to have to be fighting back.
We're lucky that we were able to book Jakson into kinder for an extra day (he does not normally go on Tuesdays) so we don't have to take him with us and be distracted by him, that takes a bit of the stress off us.
What I know so far is the IVF treatment (there are a few different kinds you can do) is going to take around 6-7weeks from the first day of my cycle!
My next cycle is due to start around the 22nd of this month and if we don't have all our pre-IVF appointments (nurse, counsellor, accounts...)completed we will miss out on starting it next cycle.
At the moment we have all our checks back but our appointments are scheduled for July 2nd, so I'm really hoping that we can get them brought forward to before my cycle is due to start.....if we can change the appointments than we will be starting IVF this month!!! Ekkkk!
Hopefully it all goes well tomorrow, wish us luck =)
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