I have just finished taking Clomid to try and encourage ovulation this cycle.
Now I was on Clomid for four cycles last year and never had this side effect.....the side effect I have had this cycle is a complete and utter feeling of dread.
It's been horrible, I can't even begin to explain how horrible it has been.
To have a constant feeling that something bad is there, or is going to happen.
To have a constant feeling like you have just been given the worse news possible is something I never want to experience again.
It's funny that something that is supposed to help me can make me feel so bad.
Along with the feeling of dread, there is the tiredness, vertigo, headache....sounds like funny, doesn't it?! lol
and this is just one of the drugs I'm on, the other drug...well I've posted about the evil Metformin before, it's a nasty drug that one!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Being caught off guard
I think sometimes its the little things that really get to me, things that for most people wouldn't mean anything but to me, well they leave me in tears.
On Wednesday August 25th at 3.22pm we welcomed my niece into the world.
She is absolutely precious and adorable and I couldn't be prouder :)
I thought the feeling of joy and pride would be enough to get me through my first visit with her without crying, but what I did not prepare for was the little things.
I prepared myself for the fact that I was going to be seeing pregnant bellies everywhere, prepared myself for seeing
and holding a baby, prepared myself for people talking about the labour and even prepared myself in case someone asked me that dreaded question 'so when are you having more?'
So what are these little things that caught me off guard??
It probably didn't help that the hospital my sister gave birth at was the same hospital that I had my egg pick up and failed embryo transfer at :(
Driving in to the hospital car park my heart sunk, so many emotions came rushing back to me...I hadn't prepared for that
Standing in front of the elevators was when the tears came, all the memories of standing there being excited to go for my egg pick up, the memories of walking out of those lifts in tears when we only had one egg retrieved, the memory of the joy and anxiety (good anxiety) go up in those lifts to go for our embryo transfer, and the crushing memory of walking out of them after it failed knowing that we may have lost our only chance at a second child :(
Who would have thought that standing in front of a lift could be so emotional!
I so didn't want to cry, this was not about me and I didn't want to make it about me.
It was about my sister and her family, and I desperately tried to stop the tears and hold back any more coming....this was not easy but I think I did well
Than I held the baby.....
I had expected that this if anything would have had the tears flowing but no, instead I has such an overwhelming sense of calm and joy
This precious little bundle in my arms...this was the reason I have to keep going, so that the next time I hold a newborn...it's my own :)
On Wednesday August 25th at 3.22pm we welcomed my niece into the world.
She is absolutely precious and adorable and I couldn't be prouder :)
I thought the feeling of joy and pride would be enough to get me through my first visit with her without crying, but what I did not prepare for was the little things.
I prepared myself for the fact that I was going to be seeing pregnant bellies everywhere, prepared myself for seeing
and holding a baby, prepared myself for people talking about the labour and even prepared myself in case someone asked me that dreaded question 'so when are you having more?'
So what are these little things that caught me off guard??
It probably didn't help that the hospital my sister gave birth at was the same hospital that I had my egg pick up and failed embryo transfer at :(
Driving in to the hospital car park my heart sunk, so many emotions came rushing back to me...I hadn't prepared for that
Standing in front of the elevators was when the tears came, all the memories of standing there being excited to go for my egg pick up, the memories of walking out of those lifts in tears when we only had one egg retrieved, the memory of the joy and anxiety (good anxiety) go up in those lifts to go for our embryo transfer, and the crushing memory of walking out of them after it failed knowing that we may have lost our only chance at a second child :(
Who would have thought that standing in front of a lift could be so emotional!
I so didn't want to cry, this was not about me and I didn't want to make it about me.
It was about my sister and her family, and I desperately tried to stop the tears and hold back any more coming....this was not easy but I think I did well
Than I held the baby.....
I had expected that this if anything would have had the tears flowing but no, instead I has such an overwhelming sense of calm and joy
This precious little bundle in my arms...this was the reason I have to keep going, so that the next time I hold a newborn...it's my own :)
Monday, August 23, 2010
Announcements
Pregnancy announcements used to be the thing I dreaded the most.
To hear someone else say the words I so want to be able to say was like a nightmare for me.
While I am (and always will be) happy for those around me that I love dearly to announce they are pregnant, each announcement was like a knife in the heart for me (that may sound dramatic but the pain that comes with infertility is very intense).
However someone announcing they are pregnant is not the thing I fear most now, it's birth announcements that are now the hardest.
Because you see, for each birth announcement there is, I know that is another 9 months that has past without us falling pregnant.
I can remember each persons announcement and thinking to myself, I'll definitely be pregnant before they give birth....how wrong I have been :(
To hear someone else say the words I so want to be able to say was like a nightmare for me.
While I am (and always will be) happy for those around me that I love dearly to announce they are pregnant, each announcement was like a knife in the heart for me (that may sound dramatic but the pain that comes with infertility is very intense).
However someone announcing they are pregnant is not the thing I fear most now, it's birth announcements that are now the hardest.
Because you see, for each birth announcement there is, I know that is another 9 months that has past without us falling pregnant.
I can remember each persons announcement and thinking to myself, I'll definitely be pregnant before they give birth....how wrong I have been :(
An update
I haven't posted here in a while and I think the main reason is that I have/am mentally exhausted by all of this.
Our unsuccessful IVF attempt was back in early July and we are now at the end of August and it was only today that I was ready to go back and see our fertility specialist.
After much hesitation we finally made the appointment and went today to see her in a hope of getting some answers as to what went wrong.
Unfortunately there were no answers for us, our specialist said that to have many follicles like I did and to only get one egg from them is very rare and unusual.
There is no reason why, well no reason that can be given as to why it happened.
It may be due to genetics, diet, lifestyle or anything else....there is no test to find out if anything caused this to happen.
So armed with no answers we had to work out what to do next.
We are hoping to do another IVF cycle in November and it will be a different cycle to the one we just did.
It will be the longer cycle, which is about 50-60 days long but it's a different approach to the one we did and hopefully we will have a different outcome.
For now, we are going to try Clomid (a drug that helps to encourage ovulation) this cycle and Puregon (injections that do the same as Clomid) next cycle and pray that we get another miracle bub out of one of these cycles, if not than hopefully it's on to another IVF cycle
Our unsuccessful IVF attempt was back in early July and we are now at the end of August and it was only today that I was ready to go back and see our fertility specialist.
After much hesitation we finally made the appointment and went today to see her in a hope of getting some answers as to what went wrong.
Unfortunately there were no answers for us, our specialist said that to have many follicles like I did and to only get one egg from them is very rare and unusual.
There is no reason why, well no reason that can be given as to why it happened.
It may be due to genetics, diet, lifestyle or anything else....there is no test to find out if anything caused this to happen.
So armed with no answers we had to work out what to do next.
We are hoping to do another IVF cycle in November and it will be a different cycle to the one we just did.
It will be the longer cycle, which is about 50-60 days long but it's a different approach to the one we did and hopefully we will have a different outcome.
For now, we are going to try Clomid (a drug that helps to encourage ovulation) this cycle and Puregon (injections that do the same as Clomid) next cycle and pray that we get another miracle bub out of one of these cycles, if not than hopefully it's on to another IVF cycle
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
To keep it private or not?
Sharing our journey with everyone was my choice, it was something that I wanted to do, something I needed to do to get through all of this.
However by making this choice I feel that I have also robbed us of a special moment, that moment of surprise when you tell people you are pregnant.
I know that no matter how or when we tell people they are going to be happy and excited for us, but I feel that the surprise element has been taken away.
So now I am thinking that if we are lucky enough to do another IVF cycle, should we tell people?
I love and appreciate all the support we have been given, I wouldn't have got through this without it but I really want to be able to surprise people when we tell them we are pregnant.
If we do keep the next IVF cycle private I hope people won't be upset that we have decided to do it this was instead of being open as we have been. I hope people will understand why I need to do it differently.
I guess I have plenty of time to think about it, hopefully we will be able to do another cycle before the end of the year.....I guess I'll make the choice on whether to share or not when the time comes
However by making this choice I feel that I have also robbed us of a special moment, that moment of surprise when you tell people you are pregnant.
I know that no matter how or when we tell people they are going to be happy and excited for us, but I feel that the surprise element has been taken away.
So now I am thinking that if we are lucky enough to do another IVF cycle, should we tell people?
I love and appreciate all the support we have been given, I wouldn't have got through this without it but I really want to be able to surprise people when we tell them we are pregnant.
If we do keep the next IVF cycle private I hope people won't be upset that we have decided to do it this was instead of being open as we have been. I hope people will understand why I need to do it differently.
I guess I have plenty of time to think about it, hopefully we will be able to do another cycle before the end of the year.....I guess I'll make the choice on whether to share or not when the time comes
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