We had another appointment with our fertility specialist yesterday and lets just say it wasn't what we were expecting :(
We got some test results and they weren't good. It looks like IVF might be our only chance at having another baby.
To be honest, I never ever thought that we would need IVF. We have Jakson, who we conceived naturally, it turns out that Jakson may very well be a true miracle baby.
When IVF was mentioned it sent fear through me, as well as excitement, confusion, sadness, anger and just a complete feeling of being overwhelmed.
In order to do IVF we are both going to need to have a police check and child protection order check done! To me having to do these checks is highly offensive, why would we go through such invasive investigative procedures and test, and the emotional roller coaster we have been on if we didn't truly want a child to love and take care of???
Now, I really have to focus on getting this anger out and letting go of it because this process is going to be hard enough without holding on to this frustration over the police checks.
If you also agree that having to get police checks are ridiculous than you may want to join This Facebook Group to show your support
We won't try IVF for a few months yet, first we have to re-do some tests and I have to have my operation on the 6th of May and after that we start on injections to stimulate ovulation. I will have to have daily injection and hope that they work better than the other drugs I have been on.
Right now we are still trying to take it all in, there is a lot to comprehend and process at the moment. IVF is not only extremal expensive (thousands and thousands of dollars for each try) but it so emotionally taxing not only on us as individuals but as a couple as well. The drugs involved are hard on the body and I have to make sure that I can still be a good mum to Jakson while trying for another baby.
All we can do right now is keep our fingers crossed we get another little miracle bub and don't have to do IVF
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
The little things
Sometimes it's the little things that are the hardest.
It's those things that happen everyday, and happen everywhere....the things you cannot escape.
It's the things that natural, that people don't even know they are doing but for me, those things just tear me apart.
The rubbing of a pregnant belly, talk of due dates, morning sickness, buying those newborn outfits, keeping everyone update on Facebook.....these things are just so so hard to watch my friends and family go through knowing I should be excited for them but knowing that in reality excitement for others is just too hard right now.
Oh how I would love to be throwing up every day because of morning sickness, rather than throwing up all day because of the medication I have to take to try get pregnant.
I would love to have to rub my belly because it's so big and the baby is kicking me, instead of having to be doubled over in pain from sever cramps or worry if I am having a potentially dangerous over reaction to the drugs.
I'd love to have to try and organise OB appointments rather than having to organise specialist appointments, test, procedures....all of which can only be done at certain times during my cycle.
One day I'll get to rub my pregnant belly, buy that little outfit and complain all I want about horrible morning sickness lol....one day it will happen again
xoxo
It's those things that happen everyday, and happen everywhere....the things you cannot escape.
It's the things that natural, that people don't even know they are doing but for me, those things just tear me apart.
The rubbing of a pregnant belly, talk of due dates, morning sickness, buying those newborn outfits, keeping everyone update on Facebook.....these things are just so so hard to watch my friends and family go through knowing I should be excited for them but knowing that in reality excitement for others is just too hard right now.
Oh how I would love to be throwing up every day because of morning sickness, rather than throwing up all day because of the medication I have to take to try get pregnant.
I would love to have to rub my belly because it's so big and the baby is kicking me, instead of having to be doubled over in pain from sever cramps or worry if I am having a potentially dangerous over reaction to the drugs.
I'd love to have to try and organise OB appointments rather than having to organise specialist appointments, test, procedures....all of which can only be done at certain times during my cycle.
One day I'll get to rub my pregnant belly, buy that little outfit and complain all I want about horrible morning sickness lol....one day it will happen again
xoxo
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Advice
I guess as with most life changing events, buying a car, house, changing jobs etc...as soon as you tell people around you there is advice being given to you from every direction.
I think with infertility it is different though, we are not at the start of our journey. Not like when you tell people you are buying a house or looking for a new job, normally these things are shared when you are first starting it.
We have been trying to fall pregnant for three very long and hard years.
In that time we have had countless invasive tests and procedures, looked at a lot of different literature on tips, advice, and scientific research into what we can do to help.
One of the hardest parts of all of this is the advice we keep getting from people.
While we understand that it is said with the best of intentions, being told to 'just relax and stop thinking about it' 'have more sex' 'are you doing it right?' etc...does not help at all.
Relaxation does not cause pregnancy, having more sex will not help if there are medical issues preventing us falling pregnant, and as for 'are you doing it right?' well I'm pretty sure we know what we are doing ;)
It is really hard to put on that 'I'm ok' face when people give us advice, when really I just want to be able to say 'shut up, I don't want to hear it'
That probably sounds really rude and horrible but it's the absolute honest truth.
I don't need advice, I have that from all the doctors and specialist we see.
What I need to hear is that is sucks! plain and simple, just tell me that it sucks and you wish we didn't have to go through it.
I don't want to hear promises you can't keep like 'I know it will happen for you, I just know it' because you don't know it, you hope it will but you don't know it will....none of us do. We have to be prepared for the fact that it may not happen, and that is a frightening thought, but one we do need to prepare for.
I read a poem not long ago that really sums up all the advice we get given and how hard it is to hear:
----------------------------------------------------------------
Useful Advice
You're 37? Don't you think that maybe
It's time you settled down and had a baby?
No wine? Does this mean happy news? I knew it!
Hey, are you sure you two know how to do it?
All Dennis has to do is look at me
And I'm knocked up. Some things aren't meant to be.
It's sad, but try to see this as God's will.
I've heard that sometimes when you take the Pill--
A friend of mine got pregnant when she stopped
Working so hard. Why don't you two adopt?
You'll have one of your own then, like my niece.
At work I heard about this herb from Greece--
My sister swears by dong quai. Want to try it?
Forget the high-tech stuff. Just change your diet.
It's true! Too much caffeine can make you sterile.
Yoga is good for that. My cousin Carol--
They have these ceremonies in Peru--
You mind my asking, is it him or you?
Have you tried acupuncture? Meditation?
It's in your head. Relax! Take a vacation
And have some fun. You think too much. Stop trying.
Did I say something wrong? Why are you crying?
Author of infertility poetry
Catherine
from the website: http://www.fertilitymoon.com
I think with infertility it is different though, we are not at the start of our journey. Not like when you tell people you are buying a house or looking for a new job, normally these things are shared when you are first starting it.
We have been trying to fall pregnant for three very long and hard years.
In that time we have had countless invasive tests and procedures, looked at a lot of different literature on tips, advice, and scientific research into what we can do to help.
One of the hardest parts of all of this is the advice we keep getting from people.
While we understand that it is said with the best of intentions, being told to 'just relax and stop thinking about it' 'have more sex' 'are you doing it right?' etc...does not help at all.
Relaxation does not cause pregnancy, having more sex will not help if there are medical issues preventing us falling pregnant, and as for 'are you doing it right?' well I'm pretty sure we know what we are doing ;)
It is really hard to put on that 'I'm ok' face when people give us advice, when really I just want to be able to say 'shut up, I don't want to hear it'
That probably sounds really rude and horrible but it's the absolute honest truth.
I don't need advice, I have that from all the doctors and specialist we see.
What I need to hear is that is sucks! plain and simple, just tell me that it sucks and you wish we didn't have to go through it.
I don't want to hear promises you can't keep like 'I know it will happen for you, I just know it' because you don't know it, you hope it will but you don't know it will....none of us do. We have to be prepared for the fact that it may not happen, and that is a frightening thought, but one we do need to prepare for.
I read a poem not long ago that really sums up all the advice we get given and how hard it is to hear:
----------------------------------------------------------------
Useful Advice
You're 37? Don't you think that maybe
It's time you settled down and had a baby?
No wine? Does this mean happy news? I knew it!
Hey, are you sure you two know how to do it?
All Dennis has to do is look at me
And I'm knocked up. Some things aren't meant to be.
It's sad, but try to see this as God's will.
I've heard that sometimes when you take the Pill--
A friend of mine got pregnant when she stopped
Working so hard. Why don't you two adopt?
You'll have one of your own then, like my niece.
At work I heard about this herb from Greece--
My sister swears by dong quai. Want to try it?
Forget the high-tech stuff. Just change your diet.
It's true! Too much caffeine can make you sterile.
Yoga is good for that. My cousin Carol--
They have these ceremonies in Peru--
You mind my asking, is it him or you?
Have you tried acupuncture? Meditation?
It's in your head. Relax! Take a vacation
And have some fun. You think too much. Stop trying.
Did I say something wrong? Why are you crying?
Author of infertility poetry
Catherine
from the website: http://www.fertilitymoon.com
Friday, April 16, 2010
It's not all bad
While I would not wish infertility on anyone, I have to admit that there have been some positives during all of this.
I have been privileged to see some amazing gestures from those around me.
One of the most touching was after I spoke on an parenting forum that I am a member of about Infertility's Common Thread
I was speechless when I later received in the mail a friendship bracelet made with the pomegranate-colored thread. A lovely friend Cath had done this without telling me and I received the bracelet and a lovely card at a time when I really needed a pick me up.
I cannot thank her enough for this amazing gesture.
I have also been extremely lucky to be sent lots of yellow booties.
There is an old wives tale that if you rub yellow booties on a pregnant belly and than give it to someone who is trying to conceive and they sleep with them under their pillow that it will help them fall pregnant.
These lovely women who have sent me these booties have done so out of the kindness of their hearts, and I am lucky to always get beautiful and touching card with them :)
One of the benefits of being on the parenting forum is that I have been able to open up and share what we are going through (although it took a while for me to feel comfortable doing so) I regularly get beautiful messages of support (and they often bring me to tears :) from people who I have never met, people I may never get to met but are so thankful for me being open and sharing our story that they take the time to send me messages of support, hope and prayers.
So while infertility has brought out the worst in me, it has also brought out the best in others :)
I have been privileged to see some amazing gestures from those around me.
One of the most touching was after I spoke on an parenting forum that I am a member of about Infertility's Common Thread
I was speechless when I later received in the mail a friendship bracelet made with the pomegranate-colored thread. A lovely friend Cath had done this without telling me and I received the bracelet and a lovely card at a time when I really needed a pick me up.
I cannot thank her enough for this amazing gesture.
I have also been extremely lucky to be sent lots of yellow booties.
There is an old wives tale that if you rub yellow booties on a pregnant belly and than give it to someone who is trying to conceive and they sleep with them under their pillow that it will help them fall pregnant.
These lovely women who have sent me these booties have done so out of the kindness of their hearts, and I am lucky to always get beautiful and touching card with them :)
One of the benefits of being on the parenting forum is that I have been able to open up and share what we are going through (although it took a while for me to feel comfortable doing so) I regularly get beautiful messages of support (and they often bring me to tears :) from people who I have never met, people I may never get to met but are so thankful for me being open and sharing our story that they take the time to send me messages of support, hope and prayers.
So while infertility has brought out the worst in me, it has also brought out the best in others :)
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Test, tests and more tests!
Tomorrow we are off for yet another hospital visit for some more tests.
It really does feel repetitive and never ending! If only they had a one stop testing shop where we could get it all done at the one time. Unfortunate there are so many different tests needing to be done at all different times during the cycle that a one stop place is only a dream LOL!
Last week I had to go and have a test done to see if my tubes are clear, the test was pretty painful but we ended up with a good result - my tubes appear to be clear and damage free :) while that is fantastic news, it is still not an answer as to why we have not fallen pregnant.
It's hard when you have to rule everything out to find the problem, if only the problem could just be identified and fixed first up.
We go back and see our fertility specialist on April 20th to get all the results and to see where we go to from here.
It really does feel repetitive and never ending! If only they had a one stop testing shop where we could get it all done at the one time. Unfortunate there are so many different tests needing to be done at all different times during the cycle that a one stop place is only a dream LOL!
Last week I had to go and have a test done to see if my tubes are clear, the test was pretty painful but we ended up with a good result - my tubes appear to be clear and damage free :) while that is fantastic news, it is still not an answer as to why we have not fallen pregnant.
It's hard when you have to rule everything out to find the problem, if only the problem could just be identified and fixed first up.
We go back and see our fertility specialist on April 20th to get all the results and to see where we go to from here.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Infertility
So how do I explain infertility? To be honest, I don't think I can. What I can do is try to explain the impact it has had on me.
Going through secondary infertility is like being told I am a failure in the worst way possible.
The one thing I was put on this earth to do, and I can't do it :( I don't think you can be a bigger failure than that.
I have failed my husband, my son and myself.
I have let infertility take over my life, I think about it nearly every minute of the day. There is no escape from it, everywhere I look there is a reminder that I still not pregnant or even close to being pregnant.
I am love being a mum, Jakson is my world and yet I don't feel that I am complete. I know that as a mother there is still a void that needs filling and it's a void only another baby can fill.
It's easy for people to say relax and stop thinking about it, but in all honestly being pregnant consumes every part of me, it is in nearly every thought I have....it's not by choice, I wish I could stop thinking about it, if only for a minute. I think about it at work, home, shopping, in my dreams, and even when I try to escape through watching TV.....I can never escape thinking about it.
I often worry that infertility has become apart of my identity, that is has consumed me so much that it is who I am now. I don't know how to change that, I don't know how to not let it get to me so much.
I hate that it is happening to us, and by us I mean Johnny, Jakson and me.
Jakson is very much affected by this too. He constantly asks when am I going to have a baby, draws pictures of me with a baby in my tummy, he even asked Santa if I could have a baby for Christmas.
When I first started on some of the fertility drugs I was very very sick from them, I was pretty much bed ridden for weeks. Jakson came to me and asked me if I was dieing! I will never ever forget that moment, I was laying in bed and throwing up and he stood at the door and kinda looked scared to come near me and said to me 'Mummy, are you dieing?" the moment will forever be burned into my memory. It was than that I had to explain to my innocent 4yr old son that I was in fact sick because I was trying to get a baby in my tummy.
That is a conversation that no parent should ever have to have with their child, let alone with a 4yr old.
Infertility has completely changed me as a person, I am a lot more bitter, angry and sad than I used to be.
I have always been a 'glass half full' kinda girl but after three years of trying to have a baby I can tell you that glass is look a lot more empty than full...
Going through secondary infertility is like being told I am a failure in the worst way possible.
The one thing I was put on this earth to do, and I can't do it :( I don't think you can be a bigger failure than that.
I have failed my husband, my son and myself.
I have let infertility take over my life, I think about it nearly every minute of the day. There is no escape from it, everywhere I look there is a reminder that I still not pregnant or even close to being pregnant.
I am love being a mum, Jakson is my world and yet I don't feel that I am complete. I know that as a mother there is still a void that needs filling and it's a void only another baby can fill.
It's easy for people to say relax and stop thinking about it, but in all honestly being pregnant consumes every part of me, it is in nearly every thought I have....it's not by choice, I wish I could stop thinking about it, if only for a minute. I think about it at work, home, shopping, in my dreams, and even when I try to escape through watching TV.....I can never escape thinking about it.
I often worry that infertility has become apart of my identity, that is has consumed me so much that it is who I am now. I don't know how to change that, I don't know how to not let it get to me so much.
I hate that it is happening to us, and by us I mean Johnny, Jakson and me.
Jakson is very much affected by this too. He constantly asks when am I going to have a baby, draws pictures of me with a baby in my tummy, he even asked Santa if I could have a baby for Christmas.
When I first started on some of the fertility drugs I was very very sick from them, I was pretty much bed ridden for weeks. Jakson came to me and asked me if I was dieing! I will never ever forget that moment, I was laying in bed and throwing up and he stood at the door and kinda looked scared to come near me and said to me 'Mummy, are you dieing?" the moment will forever be burned into my memory. It was than that I had to explain to my innocent 4yr old son that I was in fact sick because I was trying to get a baby in my tummy.
That is a conversation that no parent should ever have to have with their child, let alone with a 4yr old.
Infertility has completely changed me as a person, I am a lot more bitter, angry and sad than I used to be.
I have always been a 'glass half full' kinda girl but after three years of trying to have a baby I can tell you that glass is look a lot more empty than full...
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Where we are at
Ok so I guess I should start with a bit about us and what's been going on.
I'm nearly 28 and married to the most amazing man in the world, Jonathon and have the adorable 4 (nearly 5) year old son, Jakson.
For the last three years Johnny and I have been trying to add to our family and have another baby. Unfortunately this has not happened yet and I guess that is the reason I have started this blog, to try to make sense of things that are happening, to have an outlet for the thoughts and feelings I am going though....I guess I'm going to use this blog as a way to just get it all out in an attempt to try to process it all.
So far we have had numerous tests and been on fertility treatment and our next step is for me to have surgery (booked for May 6th) to see what exactly is going on inside there!
At the moment we are officially classed as infertile! ekk!!! that is such a hard thing to actually come out and admit :(
There is still a lot of stigma attached to that label, and I feel it's still a bit of a taboo subject.
It's not really something you talk about, most people don't know what to say to you (which is totally understandable, infertility isn't something you can understand unless you have been through it).
Well that's enough for now, hopefully I'll be able to open up about what exactly we are going though in later posts
Bye for now, oh and Happy Easter :)
I'm nearly 28 and married to the most amazing man in the world, Jonathon and have the adorable 4 (nearly 5) year old son, Jakson.
For the last three years Johnny and I have been trying to add to our family and have another baby. Unfortunately this has not happened yet and I guess that is the reason I have started this blog, to try to make sense of things that are happening, to have an outlet for the thoughts and feelings I am going though....I guess I'm going to use this blog as a way to just get it all out in an attempt to try to process it all.
So far we have had numerous tests and been on fertility treatment and our next step is for me to have surgery (booked for May 6th) to see what exactly is going on inside there!
At the moment we are officially classed as infertile! ekk!!! that is such a hard thing to actually come out and admit :(
There is still a lot of stigma attached to that label, and I feel it's still a bit of a taboo subject.
It's not really something you talk about, most people don't know what to say to you (which is totally understandable, infertility isn't something you can understand unless you have been through it).
Well that's enough for now, hopefully I'll be able to open up about what exactly we are going though in later posts
Bye for now, oh and Happy Easter :)
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