Guilt is a feeling that we all feel from time to time but it's funny the things we feel guilty about.
There are general things that we all know we should feel guilty about, stealing, lying, hurting others.... but there are other things that we feel guilty about even though it is out of our control or we have no reason to feel guilty for it.
For me, one of those things is talking about our struggles.
We are very blessed to have a child, and I feel guilty when I talk about what we are going through with infertility because I know there are many many out there who don't have a child and are going through the same thing as us.
I feel guilty for talking about what we are going through, our pain, our struggles, our treatments....all of it.
I know I shouldn't feel guilty, in fact I have a lot of people thank me for talking about it and opening their eyes to not only infertility but also secondary infertility but guilt still creeps in there.
It's probably one of the reasons I didn't talk about things for a while, it took over a year for me to open up about what was happening with us and probably the only reason I did start opening up was because I needed the support and advice from others.
I've said it before that pain cannot be measured and especially the pain of infertility because it is just so personal and I think that is why I feel guilty, I would hate to think that me talking about our pain is making someone elses worse.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
The one place I can't hide
No matter how much I try and tell myself that I'm ok, there are some places I can't hide away and convince myself of that.
One of those places is when I'm asleep. I can tell myself every minute of every day that I'm doing ok, feeling good, not stressing about it all....but when I'm asleep it's a different story.
I don't know how to stop the dreams. The dreams of being pregnant, being in labour (I LOVE these dreams), dreams of Johnny and I picking out baby names, dreams of Jakson meeting his new sibling...and than there are the other dreams, the dreams that are not so good :(
Dreams of getting that phone call from our specialist when we were told our only embryo had not survived, dreams of being told that I have no eggs left and there is no chance for another child, dreams that IVF will never work...
One of those places is when I'm asleep. I can tell myself every minute of every day that I'm doing ok, feeling good, not stressing about it all....but when I'm asleep it's a different story.
I don't know how to stop the dreams. The dreams of being pregnant, being in labour (I LOVE these dreams), dreams of Johnny and I picking out baby names, dreams of Jakson meeting his new sibling...and than there are the other dreams, the dreams that are not so good :(
Dreams of getting that phone call from our specialist when we were told our only embryo had not survived, dreams of being told that I have no eggs left and there is no chance for another child, dreams that IVF will never work...
Friday, September 17, 2010
Black Panther Syndrom
This is just a bit of a random post about something I've been thinking about lately.
It's really hard to explain the pain of secondary infertility.
Yes, we already have a child but wanting for and crying because we don't have another doesn't mean we are taking Jakson for granted.
It also doesn't mean that our pain is any less intense or any more for that matter.
Secondary infertility is a very different pain from first time infertility, but no matter what the circumstances are, I would never wish infertility on anyone.
Yes, I have a child to look at and love. I have a child to make me smile and laugh. I have a child and I feel eternally blessed for him.
But I also have a child that I have to explain this too, a child who watches me cry everyday, inject myself with horrible drugs, a child whose mum didn't get to go to his Mothers Day lunch at kinder because I had a fertility appointment. And I have a child who watched me get so sick from the drugs he thought I was dying :(
When things go bad, we can't run away. Johnny and I can't just go away for the weekend when things don't work out, we have to continue being parents and putting on as brave a face as possible for Jakson.
For every appointment we have to not only try to work around our personal and work schedules but also the schedule of being a parent. It was only a couple weeks ago that I had to take Jakson with me while I had an internal examination...not something I wanted to do at all.
I would never ever think that my pain is worse than any others, I don't think it is something that can be compared.
The pain I am feeling this time is very different to last time (we also went though infertility when trying for Jakson) there are different feelings, circumstances and obstacles.
Most people have no idea what we went through the first time, it's not something we talked about openly.
In fact, we were pretty much the opposite of how open we are this time.
The pain of infertility is like nothing else, the fear, the self doubt, the hatred you can feel for yourself is something that no one could understand unless they have been there.
Nothing will ever compare to the first time of going through it, and I would never try to compare our struggle with secondary infertility with someone going through it for their first....it's the same journey but with very different paths.
I feel totally ripped off that we have had to go through this twice :( it's really not fair.
I think sometimes people have a bit of a case of 'black panther syndrom'...you know, where no matter what you have, they have it bigger and better or much worse than you do.
You have a black cat, they have a black panther! you know what I'm talking about - we all have people like that in our lives ;)
I can understand people doing it about good things, I have a better car, house, job etc...it makes them feel better.
But when people do it about pain and heartache, I just don't get it :(
Why do they need to try and measure and compare it....there are no winners
It's really hard to explain the pain of secondary infertility.
Yes, we already have a child but wanting for and crying because we don't have another doesn't mean we are taking Jakson for granted.
It also doesn't mean that our pain is any less intense or any more for that matter.
Secondary infertility is a very different pain from first time infertility, but no matter what the circumstances are, I would never wish infertility on anyone.
Yes, I have a child to look at and love. I have a child to make me smile and laugh. I have a child and I feel eternally blessed for him.
But I also have a child that I have to explain this too, a child who watches me cry everyday, inject myself with horrible drugs, a child whose mum didn't get to go to his Mothers Day lunch at kinder because I had a fertility appointment. And I have a child who watched me get so sick from the drugs he thought I was dying :(
When things go bad, we can't run away. Johnny and I can't just go away for the weekend when things don't work out, we have to continue being parents and putting on as brave a face as possible for Jakson.
For every appointment we have to not only try to work around our personal and work schedules but also the schedule of being a parent. It was only a couple weeks ago that I had to take Jakson with me while I had an internal examination...not something I wanted to do at all.
I would never ever think that my pain is worse than any others, I don't think it is something that can be compared.
The pain I am feeling this time is very different to last time (we also went though infertility when trying for Jakson) there are different feelings, circumstances and obstacles.
Most people have no idea what we went through the first time, it's not something we talked about openly.
In fact, we were pretty much the opposite of how open we are this time.
The pain of infertility is like nothing else, the fear, the self doubt, the hatred you can feel for yourself is something that no one could understand unless they have been there.
Nothing will ever compare to the first time of going through it, and I would never try to compare our struggle with secondary infertility with someone going through it for their first....it's the same journey but with very different paths.
I feel totally ripped off that we have had to go through this twice :( it's really not fair.
I think sometimes people have a bit of a case of 'black panther syndrom'...you know, where no matter what you have, they have it bigger and better or much worse than you do.
You have a black cat, they have a black panther! you know what I'm talking about - we all have people like that in our lives ;)
I can understand people doing it about good things, I have a better car, house, job etc...it makes them feel better.
But when people do it about pain and heartache, I just don't get it :(
Why do they need to try and measure and compare it....there are no winners
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Everyone has a story
One thing I have found with talking about what we are going through is that everyone has a story to tell you!
A story about a couple they know that just stopped worrying about it or stopped trying and than fell pregnant.
What people don't realise is most of the time when these couples have stopped trying, they have been on fertility treatment that most probably kicked their bodies into gear and that is why they fell pregnant when they "stopped trying" ;)
Or they may have started alternative treatment (such as TCM) that they have not talked about but has helped them to fall pregnant.
I really wish people would not tell me these stories because it's always implied that if we stop thinking about it or just stop trying than we'll magically fall pregnant....I can tell you know, that's not going to work for us.
Or there is the other kind of story that everyone seems to have (and tell to me)...the story of the woman or man who is on drugs, in jail, abusive or just not fit to be a parent and yet are having child after child :(
These stories do not help at all, I know there are people out there who do not deserve children but are able to keep popping them out and it breaks my heart that we have to fight to have one when there are people out there like that who are having children and not realise how much of a privilege it is.
I appreciate the intention that people are telling these stories with but I really wish they wouldn't.
For me, they don't help :(
I don't want to hear about people who were successful on their 20th IVF cycle...to me that is not inspiring, it's scary and frightening
A story about a couple they know that just stopped worrying about it or stopped trying and than fell pregnant.
What people don't realise is most of the time when these couples have stopped trying, they have been on fertility treatment that most probably kicked their bodies into gear and that is why they fell pregnant when they "stopped trying" ;)
Or they may have started alternative treatment (such as TCM) that they have not talked about but has helped them to fall pregnant.
I really wish people would not tell me these stories because it's always implied that if we stop thinking about it or just stop trying than we'll magically fall pregnant....I can tell you know, that's not going to work for us.
Or there is the other kind of story that everyone seems to have (and tell to me)...the story of the woman or man who is on drugs, in jail, abusive or just not fit to be a parent and yet are having child after child :(
These stories do not help at all, I know there are people out there who do not deserve children but are able to keep popping them out and it breaks my heart that we have to fight to have one when there are people out there like that who are having children and not realise how much of a privilege it is.
I appreciate the intention that people are telling these stories with but I really wish they wouldn't.
For me, they don't help :(
I don't want to hear about people who were successful on their 20th IVF cycle...to me that is not inspiring, it's scary and frightening
Taking a break
We have decided that for our sanity, and physically and emotional health that we need to take a break from trying to fall pregnant.
September marks three and a half years of trying to fall pregnant.
That is such a long time, I could have had four full term pregnancies in that time :(
That is 4 mothers days, fathers day, birthdays, Easters, Christmas's and all the other special occasions throughout the year that we have gone through and each one I have told myself by that time next year I'll either have a baby or at least pregnant.
So for now, until we have saved the money to do IVF again we will not be trying to fall pregnant.
I think we really need this break, whether it's one month or six....we need a break.
There are things I have been putting off doing 'just in case' I'm pregnant, but now I'm going to do them :)
So it's time for us to now sit back and recharge our batteries for a bit so when we are ready for IVF again, we ready physical, emotionally and psychologically :)
September marks three and a half years of trying to fall pregnant.
That is such a long time, I could have had four full term pregnancies in that time :(
That is 4 mothers days, fathers day, birthdays, Easters, Christmas's and all the other special occasions throughout the year that we have gone through and each one I have told myself by that time next year I'll either have a baby or at least pregnant.
So for now, until we have saved the money to do IVF again we will not be trying to fall pregnant.
I think we really need this break, whether it's one month or six....we need a break.
There are things I have been putting off doing 'just in case' I'm pregnant, but now I'm going to do them :)
So it's time for us to now sit back and recharge our batteries for a bit so when we are ready for IVF again, we ready physical, emotionally and psychologically :)
Friday, September 3, 2010
A juggling act
One of the hard parts I have found with dealing with infertility is trying to fit in all the appointments.
Most of the time you don't get very much notice of when your appointments, tests, or procedures will be as it all depends on when your cycle starts.
You may expect to go for one scan and end up having to go back for 3 or 4 more that week, or a blood test or other test....there is no set schedule for IVF treatment and that can make it very hard to try to organise your life around.
If we do another cycle we are going to try and do it when I'm not working so I don't have that added stress of having to run between work and appointments, or trying to fit everything in.
I think I might also have to ask for help a bit more with Jakson.
I really don't like asking people to look after him or drop him off/pick him up from kinder but I think I might have to get over that and start asking for help.
It's really not fair on him that I have to wake him up at 6am so he can come into the city with me for an early appointment.
Just last week I had to take him with him for a 8am scan in the city, and it was an internal scan too! All I can say is I am very thankful for my iPhone - it kept him occupied so he didn't see anything or ask any questions ;) lol
What was hard though was having him in the waiting room with me.
He has come to about 3 appointments with us to our IVF clinic and I really don't like taking him because I know there are others there who don't have a child yet and seeing him can be very hurtful for them.
Last weeks appointment was particularly hard because Jakson was in an ultra cute mood saying things like
'I love you mummy' 'you are my number one girl' 'you are the best girl in town'
I know it would have broken my heart to hear a child saying these things while I was sitting there at my IVF clinic trying to get pregnant with my first :(
I didn't want to tell him to stop talking so I just kept trying to distract him and hope that we were called into our appointment soon
IVF and all the appointment that go along with it is a bit like a juggling act, and added into that the acupuncture that I want to do with our next cycle...it's going to take a lot of juggling to keep everything from falling into a heap......I hope I can do it
Most of the time you don't get very much notice of when your appointments, tests, or procedures will be as it all depends on when your cycle starts.
You may expect to go for one scan and end up having to go back for 3 or 4 more that week, or a blood test or other test....there is no set schedule for IVF treatment and that can make it very hard to try to organise your life around.
If we do another cycle we are going to try and do it when I'm not working so I don't have that added stress of having to run between work and appointments, or trying to fit everything in.
I think I might also have to ask for help a bit more with Jakson.
I really don't like asking people to look after him or drop him off/pick him up from kinder but I think I might have to get over that and start asking for help.
It's really not fair on him that I have to wake him up at 6am so he can come into the city with me for an early appointment.
Just last week I had to take him with him for a 8am scan in the city, and it was an internal scan too! All I can say is I am very thankful for my iPhone - it kept him occupied so he didn't see anything or ask any questions ;) lol
What was hard though was having him in the waiting room with me.
He has come to about 3 appointments with us to our IVF clinic and I really don't like taking him because I know there are others there who don't have a child yet and seeing him can be very hurtful for them.
Last weeks appointment was particularly hard because Jakson was in an ultra cute mood saying things like
'I love you mummy' 'you are my number one girl' 'you are the best girl in town'
I know it would have broken my heart to hear a child saying these things while I was sitting there at my IVF clinic trying to get pregnant with my first :(
I didn't want to tell him to stop talking so I just kept trying to distract him and hope that we were called into our appointment soon
IVF and all the appointment that go along with it is a bit like a juggling act, and added into that the acupuncture that I want to do with our next cycle...it's going to take a lot of juggling to keep everything from falling into a heap......I hope I can do it
TCM
What is TCM you ask?
TCM is Traditional Chinese Medicine which is the use of things such as acupuncture, herbs and more natural therapies to treat illness and support the overall health and well being of people.
TCM is also very useful in support couples going through IVF. It has been reported that it can increase IVF success rates to around 70%
It can help with both male factor infertility (poor sperm motility or low sperm count) as well as female infertility.
I feel very fortunate that I have had the advice of Natalie from
The Pagoda Tree. Natalie is a doctor of Chinese medicine and specialises in women's health.
Natalie has been a wealth of knowledge and support for me.
After talking to Natalie during our last IVF cycle it has really cemented in my mind that I really want to, if possible, incorporate TCM into our next IVF cycle.
If we do another IVF cycle we are hoping to be able to do acupuncture with it. My hope is that it will work together with the IVF drugs to help my body produce more eggs and more importantly, better quality eggs.
Something that Natalie told me is 'it's not the number of eggs you get, but the quality of them' - this is something that I am going to keep reminding myself of so I don't focus quantity.
Now we just have to work out how much it will cost to do TCM along with IVF.
Unfortunately it can add a fair bit of cost onto what already is an expensive process.
It's also unfortunate that Medicare does not rebate anything for TCM or acupuncture :(
As well as the cost, we also have to consider the time and how many sessions we would need.
Trying to juggle the normal day to day of life and it's demands along with all the appointments it not an easy task, so to add more appointments to that is something that will take some working out
TCM is Traditional Chinese Medicine which is the use of things such as acupuncture, herbs and more natural therapies to treat illness and support the overall health and well being of people.
TCM is also very useful in support couples going through IVF. It has been reported that it can increase IVF success rates to around 70%
It can help with both male factor infertility (poor sperm motility or low sperm count) as well as female infertility.
I feel very fortunate that I have had the advice of Natalie from
The Pagoda Tree. Natalie is a doctor of Chinese medicine and specialises in women's health.
Natalie has been a wealth of knowledge and support for me.
After talking to Natalie during our last IVF cycle it has really cemented in my mind that I really want to, if possible, incorporate TCM into our next IVF cycle.
If we do another IVF cycle we are hoping to be able to do acupuncture with it. My hope is that it will work together with the IVF drugs to help my body produce more eggs and more importantly, better quality eggs.
Something that Natalie told me is 'it's not the number of eggs you get, but the quality of them' - this is something that I am going to keep reminding myself of so I don't focus quantity.
Now we just have to work out how much it will cost to do TCM along with IVF.
Unfortunately it can add a fair bit of cost onto what already is an expensive process.
It's also unfortunate that Medicare does not rebate anything for TCM or acupuncture :(
As well as the cost, we also have to consider the time and how many sessions we would need.
Trying to juggle the normal day to day of life and it's demands along with all the appointments it not an easy task, so to add more appointments to that is something that will take some working out
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