It was Christmas Eve 2004 and I was nearly 12 weeks pregnant. We were at my mother in laws house for dinner when while sitting on the couch I felt a bit strange. I went to the toilet and saw blood everywhere :(
It was all over my pants, my underwear and my legs...the fear I felt in that split second is something I never wanted to feel again.
I went straight out and told Johnny and we left immediately to go to the emergency room.
We got there and they took us straight in and got the portable ultrasound machine, now this machine was so old that the doctor had to keep tapping the screen to stop it from cutting out!
But no matter how old the machine was, we were grateful because it showed us that our baby was alive and ok.
From that day on until the day Jakson was born, I had bleeding everyday. Not a lot, but at least some bleeding everyday. It was scary, I was monitored closely but in the end they could never tell me a reason as to why I was bleeding.
I lived with a constant fear that I would have another big bleed and that it would be game over :(
Fast forward to Sunday, November 7th 2010. I am about 6 or 7 weeks pregnant and getting ready to go to my nieces 13th birthday party, I went to the toilet and saw blood. Again, the sense of fear completely overwhelmed me.
This time though, I didn't tell Johnny. I monitored myself for the next couple hours to see if there would be anymore. When there was more, I than told Johnny.
The look on his face, the slump of his body....it's something I won't forget. You could physically see the fear come over him.
Being a Sunday night we didn't think there was much that could be done in the Emergency Room.
We were due to have a scan on the following day to see what gestation I am and what our due date would be.
So we decided to hold off going to the ER, to just monitor the blood loss and if it got any worse or I had any other symptoms that might indicate a miscarriage, than we would go to the ER.
We went to our niece's birthday and luckily we didn't have any more bleeding, so we decided to wait for our first ultra scan at 4pm on the Monday.
Monday, what a nervous day that was. Jakson was super excited to be coming to see his baby brother or sister and we were filled with fear at the possibility something could be wrong.
We didn't have to wait long to go in, only a few minutes which was good.
I told the sonographer about our little scare and past history with Jakson's pregnancy.
I lay down on the bed and the songorapher began the scan. First he said he could see a pregnancy sack, which was a huge relief (I hadn't just imagined this pregnancy in my head!) and than I looked at Johnny as the sonographer said the words we were waiting to hear 'there is the heartbeat, you have a live pregnancy'
Just as I saw the physically changes in Johnny's body when the fear came, now I got to see the exact opposite.
I saw his whole body relax, I saw a smile come on his face...I watched as he pointed out the heartbeat to Jakson ♥♥♥
I think I will always have it in the back of my head that it could end at any time, and I hate that I have no control over that.
But what I do have control over is what I can enjoy, and I will enjoy this pregnancy.
I have been extremely exhausted, had horrible morning/all day sickness and now have only 3 pairs of pants that fit me, lol, but I will enjoy all of that because in the blink of an eye it could all be over.
We have fought to hard to get to this stage and I am going to make sure that I appreciate and love every minute of it.
oh, and our due date is June 28th, 2011 :)
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Our little miracle
Well I can't believe that I am posting this, but after a trip to the doctors this morning I left with confirmation that I am in fact pregnant!!
It still feels like a dream, I just cannot believe that we are finally pregnant!
So let me tell you how we came to find this out...
My period was about a week late but I thought it was just because I had had surgery and that may have put a little bump in the road and delayed it a bit.
Than on Saturday Johnny, Jakson and myself were out shopping and we had lunch at the food court. I had one of my favs, spinach and pumpkin gnocchi and was feeling really queasy when I finished it. I've never felt sick after eating it before so that kind of got me thinking that maybe my period wasn't just late, maybe it wasn't coming at all!
I started thinking about all the other pregnancy symptoms that I had put down stress or because of the surgery. As I have had these thoughts (over analysing symptoms) before I quickly pushed them out of my head.
Than driving home we were sitting at the traffic lights and I quickly had to grab a travel sick bag as I was about to throw up. That got me thinking even more that just maybe it might be real symptoms.
We went and did some grocery shopping and when we got home I found a pregnancy test my sister had given me. I had just put it in the cupboard (thinking I would never see those two positive lines on it) and I thought what they hell, might as well do it.
So I did the test and those two lines came up immediately, I have never ever been so shocked in my life! I just started screaming for Johnny to come.
He came running to the toilet thinking I saw a spider and I started waving the test at him saying 'look at this, look at this' the poor thing had no idea what I was waving at him, lol
So I told him that it's a positive pregnancy test!!
I grabbed the box and checked the use by date of the test, it was still well within the use by date.
We were both so scared that it was a false positive. We went straight down to the supermarket and bought 2 more boxes of tests (3 more tests in total) on the way home I kept saying to myself, please be able to wee, please wee LOL
Got home as I sat on the toilet urging my body to pee, I've never wanted to be able to pee so much as that moment than :)
So I finally did the three new tests and they all came back positive, we were stunned, shocked, scared, elated, excited...so many things
We weren't sure if we should tell Jakson or not, we weren't sure if we should tell anyone.
But I knew I had to tell someone and said to Johnny that I wanted to go over to my sisters and tell her.
We excitedly drove over to her house and told her our good news, the look on her face was like she had seen a ghost! She started shaking and screaming, Johnny grabbed her 2months old daughter that she was holding cause he thought se was going to drop her! lol
Once she finally calmed down and we were able to tell her we're not joking the look of joy was unforgettable
We had said that we were going to wait until after seeing the doctor to tell anyone else but Johnny said that we had told my little sis, so we had to tell my mum and big sis too.
We all went over to mums and my little sister secretly video taped me telling mum. I have not seen my mum jump up like that in my life! lol
And the hug, I think I'm still hurting from being hugged so tightly.
On the car ride over to my big sisters house we decided that we would tell Jakson and he can tell his aunty and cousins.
We got to her house but she wasn't home :( it was so hard not to tell her over the phone, but I knew I wanted to see the look on her face.
Back at home we sat down with Jakson and told him he was going to be a big brother! He was so excited that he jumped up and did a happy dance, lol
He had so many questions for us and just kept telling us how happy he is to be a big brother and how it was his little sister in my tummy ♥
I asked him if he wanted to go see his aunty and tell her and he was very excited to do that.
So we got in the car again, I was already feeling exhausted from all the driving and telling people but off we went to her house again.
This time we knew she was on her way home but Jakson couldn't hold it in and told his older cousin who was home. Than as soon as my sister pulled up in the drive way Jakson ran out and said "I have some exciting news, mummy has a baby in her tummy"
My sister stood there frozen just looking at me for confirmation, when I smiled and said it's true she ran and hugged me :)
It was so good to be able to see all the reactions of our family, when we were pregnant with Jakson we rang everyone to tell them so this time it was different.
I just couldn't hold it in anymore and tried to contact a good friend but her phone wasn't working so I had to wait for her to jump on FB to get my message. I just sat there refreshing the page every 15 seconds until I saw I had a message back from her, lol
Once I had told her I than jumped onto the parenting forum that has given me so much support, advice and help over the years and posted that I was in fact pregnant and that it had all happened naturally...no drugs, injections and no IVF....completely naturally!
Both Johnny and I were so overwhelmed with the number of replies we got on there to our announcement, we are very touched that so many people took the time to congratulate us :)
On Sunday Johnny rang his family and told them and that I posted it on FB and once again the replies blew us away!
My phone did not stop ringing and getting message, I still don't know if I have replied to everyone LOL
Yesterday (Monday) I went to the doctors and had my blood test and than today I got the results that my hormone level is perfect for my gestation.
I'm still not sure what my due date is, I forgot to as the doctor but it is in late June sometime which makes me about 5 weeks pregnant.
To say we are overjoyed is an understatement, it's still so hard to believe that after three and a half years and many drugs, injections and IVF..we have fallen pregnant naturally ♥♥♥
It still feels like a dream, I just cannot believe that we are finally pregnant!
So let me tell you how we came to find this out...
My period was about a week late but I thought it was just because I had had surgery and that may have put a little bump in the road and delayed it a bit.
Than on Saturday Johnny, Jakson and myself were out shopping and we had lunch at the food court. I had one of my favs, spinach and pumpkin gnocchi and was feeling really queasy when I finished it. I've never felt sick after eating it before so that kind of got me thinking that maybe my period wasn't just late, maybe it wasn't coming at all!
I started thinking about all the other pregnancy symptoms that I had put down stress or because of the surgery. As I have had these thoughts (over analysing symptoms) before I quickly pushed them out of my head.
Than driving home we were sitting at the traffic lights and I quickly had to grab a travel sick bag as I was about to throw up. That got me thinking even more that just maybe it might be real symptoms.
We went and did some grocery shopping and when we got home I found a pregnancy test my sister had given me. I had just put it in the cupboard (thinking I would never see those two positive lines on it) and I thought what they hell, might as well do it.
So I did the test and those two lines came up immediately, I have never ever been so shocked in my life! I just started screaming for Johnny to come.
He came running to the toilet thinking I saw a spider and I started waving the test at him saying 'look at this, look at this' the poor thing had no idea what I was waving at him, lol
So I told him that it's a positive pregnancy test!!
I grabbed the box and checked the use by date of the test, it was still well within the use by date.
We were both so scared that it was a false positive. We went straight down to the supermarket and bought 2 more boxes of tests (3 more tests in total) on the way home I kept saying to myself, please be able to wee, please wee LOL
Got home as I sat on the toilet urging my body to pee, I've never wanted to be able to pee so much as that moment than :)
So I finally did the three new tests and they all came back positive, we were stunned, shocked, scared, elated, excited...so many things
We weren't sure if we should tell Jakson or not, we weren't sure if we should tell anyone.
But I knew I had to tell someone and said to Johnny that I wanted to go over to my sisters and tell her.
We excitedly drove over to her house and told her our good news, the look on her face was like she had seen a ghost! She started shaking and screaming, Johnny grabbed her 2months old daughter that she was holding cause he thought se was going to drop her! lol
Once she finally calmed down and we were able to tell her we're not joking the look of joy was unforgettable
We had said that we were going to wait until after seeing the doctor to tell anyone else but Johnny said that we had told my little sis, so we had to tell my mum and big sis too.
We all went over to mums and my little sister secretly video taped me telling mum. I have not seen my mum jump up like that in my life! lol
And the hug, I think I'm still hurting from being hugged so tightly.
On the car ride over to my big sisters house we decided that we would tell Jakson and he can tell his aunty and cousins.
We got to her house but she wasn't home :( it was so hard not to tell her over the phone, but I knew I wanted to see the look on her face.
Back at home we sat down with Jakson and told him he was going to be a big brother! He was so excited that he jumped up and did a happy dance, lol
He had so many questions for us and just kept telling us how happy he is to be a big brother and how it was his little sister in my tummy ♥
I asked him if he wanted to go see his aunty and tell her and he was very excited to do that.
So we got in the car again, I was already feeling exhausted from all the driving and telling people but off we went to her house again.
This time we knew she was on her way home but Jakson couldn't hold it in and told his older cousin who was home. Than as soon as my sister pulled up in the drive way Jakson ran out and said "I have some exciting news, mummy has a baby in her tummy"
My sister stood there frozen just looking at me for confirmation, when I smiled and said it's true she ran and hugged me :)
It was so good to be able to see all the reactions of our family, when we were pregnant with Jakson we rang everyone to tell them so this time it was different.
I just couldn't hold it in anymore and tried to contact a good friend but her phone wasn't working so I had to wait for her to jump on FB to get my message. I just sat there refreshing the page every 15 seconds until I saw I had a message back from her, lol
Once I had told her I than jumped onto the parenting forum that has given me so much support, advice and help over the years and posted that I was in fact pregnant and that it had all happened naturally...no drugs, injections and no IVF....completely naturally!
Both Johnny and I were so overwhelmed with the number of replies we got on there to our announcement, we are very touched that so many people took the time to congratulate us :)
On Sunday Johnny rang his family and told them and that I posted it on FB and once again the replies blew us away!
My phone did not stop ringing and getting message, I still don't know if I have replied to everyone LOL
Yesterday (Monday) I went to the doctors and had my blood test and than today I got the results that my hormone level is perfect for my gestation.
I'm still not sure what my due date is, I forgot to as the doctor but it is in late June sometime which makes me about 5 weeks pregnant.
To say we are overjoyed is an understatement, it's still so hard to believe that after three and a half years and many drugs, injections and IVF..we have fallen pregnant naturally ♥♥♥
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Did you know?
Did/do you know how common infertility, miscarriage, still birth and other pregnancy complications are?
In your teens your told never to have sex or you'll get pregnant, than you spend your early adult life trying to not fall pregnant and than when you are finally ready to start a family and want to fall pregnant there are all these unexpected obstacles you have to get past.
There are lost of statistics out there, apparently about one in four known pregnancy end in miscarriage and one in 200 are still born (born after 20 weeks), there really aren't that many stats out there for couple who need help to conceive (I've been told it's about one in every four couples) when you think about all these stats, it's amazing how uninformed many people are.
I was one of these uninformed people, I wasn't naive to the fact that these things happen but I was naive to how many people they happen to, that was until I got on the Internet and joined some forums and it would become a regular occurrence that people would post about their trouble to conceive, having to go through assisted conception (such as IVF) and losing their child (miscarriage, still birth or only a few weeks old)...all of these stories are just heartbreaking but with each story my eyes were opened wider and wider to just how hard it is and just how real it is.
I often wonder if people knew how hard the road ahead would they still travel it?
I am a strong believer in whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I really hope this is the case for all out there who have had to go through infertility, miscarriage and the loss of a child.
In your teens your told never to have sex or you'll get pregnant, than you spend your early adult life trying to not fall pregnant and than when you are finally ready to start a family and want to fall pregnant there are all these unexpected obstacles you have to get past.
There are lost of statistics out there, apparently about one in four known pregnancy end in miscarriage and one in 200 are still born (born after 20 weeks), there really aren't that many stats out there for couple who need help to conceive (I've been told it's about one in every four couples) when you think about all these stats, it's amazing how uninformed many people are.
I was one of these uninformed people, I wasn't naive to the fact that these things happen but I was naive to how many people they happen to, that was until I got on the Internet and joined some forums and it would become a regular occurrence that people would post about their trouble to conceive, having to go through assisted conception (such as IVF) and losing their child (miscarriage, still birth or only a few weeks old)...all of these stories are just heartbreaking but with each story my eyes were opened wider and wider to just how hard it is and just how real it is.
I often wonder if people knew how hard the road ahead would they still travel it?
I am a strong believer in whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I really hope this is the case for all out there who have had to go through infertility, miscarriage and the loss of a child.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Being afraid
The thought of doing IVF again makes me feel ill :(
It's hard to explain why, probably because I don't really understand why myself.
Now I'm not talking about the thought of trying to fall pregnant, being pregnant or having another baby, I am talking solely about IVF.
It's not the drugs, procedures or the process of IVF that scares me but the outcome. I'm not scared of it failing again, I now know not to get my hopes up but if I were to be honest I think what I am most scared about and what makes me feel ill is what if I fail again?
Last time it was my body that let us down, my body that despite all the drugs could only produce one egg....what if that happens again? what if the answer we get to all of this is that my body is the one that is the problem?
As much as I hated being in the 'unexplained infertility' category, I didn't feel like it was all my fault.
There could have been a many different reasons as to why we still weren't pregnant, but if I can't produce eggs than I am going to know it's me.
If we were to find out tomorrow that we couldn't fall pregnant because of Johnny's sperm, there is absolutely no way I would blame him but when it comes to me, I am a lot harsher.
For so long I wanted answers, now it's the answers I'm afraid off
It's hard to explain why, probably because I don't really understand why myself.
Now I'm not talking about the thought of trying to fall pregnant, being pregnant or having another baby, I am talking solely about IVF.
It's not the drugs, procedures or the process of IVF that scares me but the outcome. I'm not scared of it failing again, I now know not to get my hopes up but if I were to be honest I think what I am most scared about and what makes me feel ill is what if I fail again?
Last time it was my body that let us down, my body that despite all the drugs could only produce one egg....what if that happens again? what if the answer we get to all of this is that my body is the one that is the problem?
As much as I hated being in the 'unexplained infertility' category, I didn't feel like it was all my fault.
There could have been a many different reasons as to why we still weren't pregnant, but if I can't produce eggs than I am going to know it's me.
If we were to find out tomorrow that we couldn't fall pregnant because of Johnny's sperm, there is absolutely no way I would blame him but when it comes to me, I am a lot harsher.
For so long I wanted answers, now it's the answers I'm afraid off
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
A sad reminder
The shops are starting to fill with all things Christmas, which is something I usually love seeing but I had a moment today where I was taken back to this time last year...
I was shopping for Christmas stockings to be able to hang up, one for Jakson, Johnny, me and I was also looking for one to buy as an extra because by Christmas 2010 we would surely have another addition in our family.
How wrong I was. At this time last year I would never ever had thought that we would be at the stage of IVF, let alone having gone through an unsuccessful IVF cycle.
It was hard when I walked into the shop today and turned down the aisle that had the Christmas stockings, I really was taken right back to the day I was shopping for them and how determined I was to find 4 that I liked so we would have one for the baby.....the excitement I felt that I would have a baby by this Christmas, I wish I could feel that excitement again, I wish I could be sure we will have a baby by Christmas 2011....but I'm really not sure of anything anymore.
I was shopping for Christmas stockings to be able to hang up, one for Jakson, Johnny, me and I was also looking for one to buy as an extra because by Christmas 2010 we would surely have another addition in our family.
How wrong I was. At this time last year I would never ever had thought that we would be at the stage of IVF, let alone having gone through an unsuccessful IVF cycle.
It was hard when I walked into the shop today and turned down the aisle that had the Christmas stockings, I really was taken right back to the day I was shopping for them and how determined I was to find 4 that I liked so we would have one for the baby.....the excitement I felt that I would have a baby by this Christmas, I wish I could feel that excitement again, I wish I could be sure we will have a baby by Christmas 2011....but I'm really not sure of anything anymore.
Monday, October 11, 2010
The festive season
I hate that the very fast approaching festive season is going to be hard for so many out there.
It is times like this that I am so very thankful I have Jakson to direct a lot of my energy too and keep me distracted from the fact that this will be our 4th Christmas without being pregnant.
But for many out there, they are not as lucky as us to have a child to help them through this time.
It breaks my heart to know that friends and loved ones are going to be going through a hard time over Christmas :(
And I know that there is nothing I can do to make it better for them, I can offer help, give support and let them know I am here if needed but nothing I can do will ease that pain.
I think Christmas is one of the the more difficult times to get through.
Most people who celebrate Christmas know it to be a family time full of love, happiness, laughter and gatherings. It is also a time that starts early (there are already Christmas decorations filling the shops!) so it's not just one day you have to get through, it's weeks and weeks.
So to all our friends and loved ones out there who are going to find this festive season and new year a difficult time (whether it be due to miscarriage, loss of a child, infertility or for whatever reason) know that you are in our thoughts and hearts and we hope you find something that will make it a little easier to get through and hopefully feel some happiness and enjoy some laughs ♥♥
It is times like this that I am so very thankful I have Jakson to direct a lot of my energy too and keep me distracted from the fact that this will be our 4th Christmas without being pregnant.
But for many out there, they are not as lucky as us to have a child to help them through this time.
It breaks my heart to know that friends and loved ones are going to be going through a hard time over Christmas :(
And I know that there is nothing I can do to make it better for them, I can offer help, give support and let them know I am here if needed but nothing I can do will ease that pain.
I think Christmas is one of the the more difficult times to get through.
Most people who celebrate Christmas know it to be a family time full of love, happiness, laughter and gatherings. It is also a time that starts early (there are already Christmas decorations filling the shops!) so it's not just one day you have to get through, it's weeks and weeks.
So to all our friends and loved ones out there who are going to find this festive season and new year a difficult time (whether it be due to miscarriage, loss of a child, infertility or for whatever reason) know that you are in our thoughts and hearts and we hope you find something that will make it a little easier to get through and hopefully feel some happiness and enjoy some laughs ♥♥
Guilt
Guilt is a feeling that we all feel from time to time but it's funny the things we feel guilty about.
There are general things that we all know we should feel guilty about, stealing, lying, hurting others.... but there are other things that we feel guilty about even though it is out of our control or we have no reason to feel guilty for it.
For me, one of those things is talking about our struggles.
We are very blessed to have a child, and I feel guilty when I talk about what we are going through with infertility because I know there are many many out there who don't have a child and are going through the same thing as us.
I feel guilty for talking about what we are going through, our pain, our struggles, our treatments....all of it.
I know I shouldn't feel guilty, in fact I have a lot of people thank me for talking about it and opening their eyes to not only infertility but also secondary infertility but guilt still creeps in there.
It's probably one of the reasons I didn't talk about things for a while, it took over a year for me to open up about what was happening with us and probably the only reason I did start opening up was because I needed the support and advice from others.
I've said it before that pain cannot be measured and especially the pain of infertility because it is just so personal and I think that is why I feel guilty, I would hate to think that me talking about our pain is making someone elses worse.
There are general things that we all know we should feel guilty about, stealing, lying, hurting others.... but there are other things that we feel guilty about even though it is out of our control or we have no reason to feel guilty for it.
For me, one of those things is talking about our struggles.
We are very blessed to have a child, and I feel guilty when I talk about what we are going through with infertility because I know there are many many out there who don't have a child and are going through the same thing as us.
I feel guilty for talking about what we are going through, our pain, our struggles, our treatments....all of it.
I know I shouldn't feel guilty, in fact I have a lot of people thank me for talking about it and opening their eyes to not only infertility but also secondary infertility but guilt still creeps in there.
It's probably one of the reasons I didn't talk about things for a while, it took over a year for me to open up about what was happening with us and probably the only reason I did start opening up was because I needed the support and advice from others.
I've said it before that pain cannot be measured and especially the pain of infertility because it is just so personal and I think that is why I feel guilty, I would hate to think that me talking about our pain is making someone elses worse.
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