I'm happy to say that I am now 15 weeks pregnant and looking forward to finding out if we are having a boy or a girl soon ♥
I'm also very happy to say that I feel like I'm starting to bond with our baby now.
For me, I think the things that have helped is watching Johnny or Jakson rub or kiss my belly or talk to bubs.
I see that they love baby and I've allowed myself to know that it's ok for me to love bubs too.
I have finally allowed myself to know that just because so many things went wrong while trying to conceive bubs (who my mum has affectionately nicknamed 'Peanut') it doesn't mean that I have to have my defenses up or try to prepare myself for the worst, it's ok to believe that everything will go well and will we finally get our much loved baby at the end of all of this.
I am finally allowing myself to live in the now, not in the past or the future but in the right here and now....a place where I am happy, a place where I am pregnant, a place where we can prepare for a new addition to our family..... a place I have wanted to be at for so long, well I'm finally here :)
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Monday, December 6, 2010
Bonding, will it happen?
I invested so much emotional energy into getting pregnant, I don't think I left anything for when I actually did fall pregnant.
Now maybe it's just that it's early in the pregnancy or that I am physically very exhausted from it so far (anemia and horrible morning sickness have left me pretty weak) but I kind of feel emotionally bankrupt at the moment.
Things that would normally upset me, don't even register on my radar at the moment.
Things that would normally leave me feeling excited and happy, while I am a bit excited & happy, it's no where I would normally be.
I want to be feeling things but I just don't have the energy. Over the past three years I have cried pretty much every day, however I couldn't tell you the last time I cried lately.
It's not that there haven't been things to make me cry, I've seen both my son and husband very upset (this would normally be enough to make me bawl my eyes out) I've read sad article in the news, watched sad things on TV....normally just watching ads on TV makes me cry! lol
I scared that this will continue and I won't be able to bond with my baby while I'm pregnant.
I'm hoping this is not the case and at least by the time I can feel the baby kicking I will have started to bond with it.
So much time and energy (physically, emotionally, psychologically) went in to getting to this stage, I don't think I was ready for what would happen after we got pregnant.
Now maybe it's just that it's early in the pregnancy or that I am physically very exhausted from it so far (anemia and horrible morning sickness have left me pretty weak) but I kind of feel emotionally bankrupt at the moment.
Things that would normally upset me, don't even register on my radar at the moment.
Things that would normally leave me feeling excited and happy, while I am a bit excited & happy, it's no where I would normally be.
I want to be feeling things but I just don't have the energy. Over the past three years I have cried pretty much every day, however I couldn't tell you the last time I cried lately.
It's not that there haven't been things to make me cry, I've seen both my son and husband very upset (this would normally be enough to make me bawl my eyes out) I've read sad article in the news, watched sad things on TV....normally just watching ads on TV makes me cry! lol
I scared that this will continue and I won't be able to bond with my baby while I'm pregnant.
I'm hoping this is not the case and at least by the time I can feel the baby kicking I will have started to bond with it.
So much time and energy (physically, emotionally, psychologically) went in to getting to this stage, I don't think I was ready for what would happen after we got pregnant.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Just a random post
Just a bit of a random post about something I've been thinking about
All throughout our struggle we were always told of "those stories", you know the ones where the person tried everything medically (both western and Asian/Chinese medicine) and as soon as they stopped it all and either took a break or "relaxed" they fell pregnant.
Now I know for some people these stories may have helped but I hated hearing them, nearly as much as I hated hearing that all we had to do was relax, take a break or that it would happen when the time was right.
For me, while these stories are nice and I am excited for the people it happened for, I never ever imagined we would be one of them.
Hearing people tell me these stories of people they know always frustrated me. I always felt as though our struggles were being somewhat disregarded or that we were being over dramatic and that as soon as we just let thing happen it would work out for us.
And now we are one of those stories.
We tried for three and a half years, had many tests, tried many drugs and even IVF only to fall pregnant naturally.
I hope when people hear our story it won't upset them, although I'm sure for the ones it does they will still put on the brave face and thank the person for sharing, just like I did and than go home and either yell, cry or just want to punch something!
While relaxing is always going to be good for the body, it is not a cure for infertility.
One of the things we have heard a lot of since announcing we are pregnant is "see I told you all you needed to do was to relax" I don't know why people suddenly think we were relaxing??
In fact the month we fall pregnant was a particularly stressful month for us, definitely not relaxing!
I wish the cure for infertility was something as simple as just relaxing. If that were the case instead of spending the thousands and thousands of dollars that we have on medical treatment, we would have spent it on a nice holiday where we could have just relaxed on the beach ;)
All throughout our struggle we were always told of "those stories", you know the ones where the person tried everything medically (both western and Asian/Chinese medicine) and as soon as they stopped it all and either took a break or "relaxed" they fell pregnant.
Now I know for some people these stories may have helped but I hated hearing them, nearly as much as I hated hearing that all we had to do was relax, take a break or that it would happen when the time was right.
For me, while these stories are nice and I am excited for the people it happened for, I never ever imagined we would be one of them.
Hearing people tell me these stories of people they know always frustrated me. I always felt as though our struggles were being somewhat disregarded or that we were being over dramatic and that as soon as we just let thing happen it would work out for us.
And now we are one of those stories.
We tried for three and a half years, had many tests, tried many drugs and even IVF only to fall pregnant naturally.
I hope when people hear our story it won't upset them, although I'm sure for the ones it does they will still put on the brave face and thank the person for sharing, just like I did and than go home and either yell, cry or just want to punch something!
While relaxing is always going to be good for the body, it is not a cure for infertility.
One of the things we have heard a lot of since announcing we are pregnant is "see I told you all you needed to do was to relax" I don't know why people suddenly think we were relaxing??
In fact the month we fall pregnant was a particularly stressful month for us, definitely not relaxing!
I wish the cure for infertility was something as simple as just relaxing. If that were the case instead of spending the thousands and thousands of dollars that we have on medical treatment, we would have spent it on a nice holiday where we could have just relaxed on the beach ;)
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Hello December!
So December has finally fallen upon us and it won't be long until Christmas is knocking at our door!
I love Christmas, I love everything about it :)
I am so grateful that even through our hard times over the past three and a half years, we have had Jakson to make Christmas special.
I know many friends out there at the moment who are not only going to find Christmas hard but the lead up to Christmas. All the families in the shops, the decorations and all things festive that fill our shops, streets and homes.
Over the past year I have had friends suffer miscarriages, go through the tragedy of watching their child become an angle in heaven, have relationship breakdowns, and go through many unsuccessful IVF attempts.
I wish there was something I could do to make it magically better for them all. I wish I could tell them it's going to be ok, but I can't say that because I don't know.
I want to be able to enjoy Christmas as a pregnant lady, I want to rub my belly and show it off as it grows but I am very conscious as to how hurtful it can be for those around me.
Even something as simple as Facebook always puts me in a bit of a dilemma. I want to be able to share our progress with everyone, but I also know what it is like to see pregnancy updates when you are sitting there in tears thinking it may never happen for you.
I hate to admit it but I did 'hide' friends on Facebook that were pregnant, just because I couldn't bare to see their pregnancy updates. As much as I wanted to share in it with them and be joyous, my own bitterness and fear stopped me from doing that.
I have thought about blocking some friends from seeing my pregnancy posts, but I know it's not my place to try and protect others. However I would not be offended at all if they were to hide my posts to protect themselves.
I hope that no matter what people are going through, they are able to find some joy during this time. Something to make them smile, laugh and even if just for a few minutes, something to make them forget the hard time they are going through.
I love Christmas, I love everything about it :)
I am so grateful that even through our hard times over the past three and a half years, we have had Jakson to make Christmas special.
I know many friends out there at the moment who are not only going to find Christmas hard but the lead up to Christmas. All the families in the shops, the decorations and all things festive that fill our shops, streets and homes.
Over the past year I have had friends suffer miscarriages, go through the tragedy of watching their child become an angle in heaven, have relationship breakdowns, and go through many unsuccessful IVF attempts.
I wish there was something I could do to make it magically better for them all. I wish I could tell them it's going to be ok, but I can't say that because I don't know.
I want to be able to enjoy Christmas as a pregnant lady, I want to rub my belly and show it off as it grows but I am very conscious as to how hurtful it can be for those around me.
Even something as simple as Facebook always puts me in a bit of a dilemma. I want to be able to share our progress with everyone, but I also know what it is like to see pregnancy updates when you are sitting there in tears thinking it may never happen for you.
I hate to admit it but I did 'hide' friends on Facebook that were pregnant, just because I couldn't bare to see their pregnancy updates. As much as I wanted to share in it with them and be joyous, my own bitterness and fear stopped me from doing that.
I have thought about blocking some friends from seeing my pregnancy posts, but I know it's not my place to try and protect others. However I would not be offended at all if they were to hide my posts to protect themselves.
I hope that no matter what people are going through, they are able to find some joy during this time. Something to make them smile, laugh and even if just for a few minutes, something to make them forget the hard time they are going through.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Thankful for morning sickness
Morning sickness (well actually all day sickness ;) is horrible but I wouldn't change a thing about it!
In fact, I am so incredible thankful for it. It's a symptom of pregnancy and a constant reminder and comfort that I am pregnant.
Today while out shopping I got a phone call from my doctors clinic asking me to come in as soon as possible to discuss my blood test results. Of course you never think that they want you to come in to tell you how good your cholesterol is, it's always going to be to discuss something of concern.
The first available appointment was at 4.15pm, 3 hours away.
So we had 3 hours to stress about all the 'what if's'
I kept telling myself that it has to be ok because I'm still nauseous, and throwing up nearly every meal so that has to be a good sign.
It was comforting to know that I still have morning sickness, because if that were to go away..well than I would really worry :(
Luckily for me my results weren't too concerning, I'm anemic but that is something that I can work at fixing.
I really wish they hadn't made it sound so urgent on the phone because those three hours of waiting were not nice at all!
It's weird that something like morning sickness that controls a lot of my life at the moment is actually something I don't want to live without, well at least until I can feel the baby kicking :)
In fact, I am so incredible thankful for it. It's a symptom of pregnancy and a constant reminder and comfort that I am pregnant.
Today while out shopping I got a phone call from my doctors clinic asking me to come in as soon as possible to discuss my blood test results. Of course you never think that they want you to come in to tell you how good your cholesterol is, it's always going to be to discuss something of concern.
The first available appointment was at 4.15pm, 3 hours away.
So we had 3 hours to stress about all the 'what if's'
I kept telling myself that it has to be ok because I'm still nauseous, and throwing up nearly every meal so that has to be a good sign.
It was comforting to know that I still have morning sickness, because if that were to go away..well than I would really worry :(
Luckily for me my results weren't too concerning, I'm anemic but that is something that I can work at fixing.
I really wish they hadn't made it sound so urgent on the phone because those three hours of waiting were not nice at all!
It's weird that something like morning sickness that controls a lot of my life at the moment is actually something I don't want to live without, well at least until I can feel the baby kicking :)
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Happiness and guilt
Today was an exciting day but also a day that I felt incredible guilt.
It was the day that we had our appointment with or fertility specialist to tell her that we are pregnant.
We decided to make an appointment and go and tell her face to face rather than over the phone because she has been the one to help and support us and the one who has had to give us all of our bad news so far.
Now it was our turn to share some news, some good news.
I was super excited to be going in and telling her but as soon as we got to the clinic and sat down in the waiting room I started to feel really nervous and guilty.
Feeling guilty isn't something new, I usually feel guilty when I am there.
I feel guilty because we already have a child, we have already been blessed and others who were in the waiting room hadn't got to experience that yet.
Today I sat there thinking just how many couples would sit in that waiting area each week. I thought about all the different stages they would all be at. Some would be there for their first appointment, some there waiting to start IVF, waiting for scans or test results or there (like we once were) to find out why IVF didn't work.
And there I was sitting there waiting to go in and say that we had been blessed once again, and once again we were lucky enough for it to happen naturally.
I felt incredible guilty and sad because I know that for some of these couples, they will never get to experience what we have. It's heartbreaking and devastating. A thought that for most people is inconceivable, I know for me it was.
I thought about how many couples our specialist would have had to give bad news too and how awesome it would be to tell her our good news.
And it was, we went in there and Jakson told her that 'mummy has a baby in her tummy' the look on her face was fantastic :)
We than had a chat and for the first time I was able to just chat with her, nice and relaxed...it was nice, really nice.
It was the day that we had our appointment with or fertility specialist to tell her that we are pregnant.
We decided to make an appointment and go and tell her face to face rather than over the phone because she has been the one to help and support us and the one who has had to give us all of our bad news so far.
Now it was our turn to share some news, some good news.
I was super excited to be going in and telling her but as soon as we got to the clinic and sat down in the waiting room I started to feel really nervous and guilty.
Feeling guilty isn't something new, I usually feel guilty when I am there.
I feel guilty because we already have a child, we have already been blessed and others who were in the waiting room hadn't got to experience that yet.
Today I sat there thinking just how many couples would sit in that waiting area each week. I thought about all the different stages they would all be at. Some would be there for their first appointment, some there waiting to start IVF, waiting for scans or test results or there (like we once were) to find out why IVF didn't work.
And there I was sitting there waiting to go in and say that we had been blessed once again, and once again we were lucky enough for it to happen naturally.
I felt incredible guilty and sad because I know that for some of these couples, they will never get to experience what we have. It's heartbreaking and devastating. A thought that for most people is inconceivable, I know for me it was.
I thought about how many couples our specialist would have had to give bad news too and how awesome it would be to tell her our good news.
And it was, we went in there and Jakson told her that 'mummy has a baby in her tummy' the look on her face was fantastic :)
We than had a chat and for the first time I was able to just chat with her, nice and relaxed...it was nice, really nice.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Christmas Eve, 2004
It was Christmas Eve 2004 and I was nearly 12 weeks pregnant. We were at my mother in laws house for dinner when while sitting on the couch I felt a bit strange. I went to the toilet and saw blood everywhere :(
It was all over my pants, my underwear and my legs...the fear I felt in that split second is something I never wanted to feel again.
I went straight out and told Johnny and we left immediately to go to the emergency room.
We got there and they took us straight in and got the portable ultrasound machine, now this machine was so old that the doctor had to keep tapping the screen to stop it from cutting out!
But no matter how old the machine was, we were grateful because it showed us that our baby was alive and ok.
From that day on until the day Jakson was born, I had bleeding everyday. Not a lot, but at least some bleeding everyday. It was scary, I was monitored closely but in the end they could never tell me a reason as to why I was bleeding.
I lived with a constant fear that I would have another big bleed and that it would be game over :(
Fast forward to Sunday, November 7th 2010. I am about 6 or 7 weeks pregnant and getting ready to go to my nieces 13th birthday party, I went to the toilet and saw blood. Again, the sense of fear completely overwhelmed me.
This time though, I didn't tell Johnny. I monitored myself for the next couple hours to see if there would be anymore. When there was more, I than told Johnny.
The look on his face, the slump of his body....it's something I won't forget. You could physically see the fear come over him.
Being a Sunday night we didn't think there was much that could be done in the Emergency Room.
We were due to have a scan on the following day to see what gestation I am and what our due date would be.
So we decided to hold off going to the ER, to just monitor the blood loss and if it got any worse or I had any other symptoms that might indicate a miscarriage, than we would go to the ER.
We went to our niece's birthday and luckily we didn't have any more bleeding, so we decided to wait for our first ultra scan at 4pm on the Monday.
Monday, what a nervous day that was. Jakson was super excited to be coming to see his baby brother or sister and we were filled with fear at the possibility something could be wrong.
We didn't have to wait long to go in, only a few minutes which was good.
I told the sonographer about our little scare and past history with Jakson's pregnancy.
I lay down on the bed and the songorapher began the scan. First he said he could see a pregnancy sack, which was a huge relief (I hadn't just imagined this pregnancy in my head!) and than I looked at Johnny as the sonographer said the words we were waiting to hear 'there is the heartbeat, you have a live pregnancy'
Just as I saw the physically changes in Johnny's body when the fear came, now I got to see the exact opposite.
I saw his whole body relax, I saw a smile come on his face...I watched as he pointed out the heartbeat to Jakson ♥♥♥
I think I will always have it in the back of my head that it could end at any time, and I hate that I have no control over that.
But what I do have control over is what I can enjoy, and I will enjoy this pregnancy.
I have been extremely exhausted, had horrible morning/all day sickness and now have only 3 pairs of pants that fit me, lol, but I will enjoy all of that because in the blink of an eye it could all be over.
We have fought to hard to get to this stage and I am going to make sure that I appreciate and love every minute of it.
oh, and our due date is June 28th, 2011 :)
It was all over my pants, my underwear and my legs...the fear I felt in that split second is something I never wanted to feel again.
I went straight out and told Johnny and we left immediately to go to the emergency room.
We got there and they took us straight in and got the portable ultrasound machine, now this machine was so old that the doctor had to keep tapping the screen to stop it from cutting out!
But no matter how old the machine was, we were grateful because it showed us that our baby was alive and ok.
From that day on until the day Jakson was born, I had bleeding everyday. Not a lot, but at least some bleeding everyday. It was scary, I was monitored closely but in the end they could never tell me a reason as to why I was bleeding.
I lived with a constant fear that I would have another big bleed and that it would be game over :(
Fast forward to Sunday, November 7th 2010. I am about 6 or 7 weeks pregnant and getting ready to go to my nieces 13th birthday party, I went to the toilet and saw blood. Again, the sense of fear completely overwhelmed me.
This time though, I didn't tell Johnny. I monitored myself for the next couple hours to see if there would be anymore. When there was more, I than told Johnny.
The look on his face, the slump of his body....it's something I won't forget. You could physically see the fear come over him.
Being a Sunday night we didn't think there was much that could be done in the Emergency Room.
We were due to have a scan on the following day to see what gestation I am and what our due date would be.
So we decided to hold off going to the ER, to just monitor the blood loss and if it got any worse or I had any other symptoms that might indicate a miscarriage, than we would go to the ER.
We went to our niece's birthday and luckily we didn't have any more bleeding, so we decided to wait for our first ultra scan at 4pm on the Monday.
Monday, what a nervous day that was. Jakson was super excited to be coming to see his baby brother or sister and we were filled with fear at the possibility something could be wrong.
We didn't have to wait long to go in, only a few minutes which was good.
I told the sonographer about our little scare and past history with Jakson's pregnancy.
I lay down on the bed and the songorapher began the scan. First he said he could see a pregnancy sack, which was a huge relief (I hadn't just imagined this pregnancy in my head!) and than I looked at Johnny as the sonographer said the words we were waiting to hear 'there is the heartbeat, you have a live pregnancy'
Just as I saw the physically changes in Johnny's body when the fear came, now I got to see the exact opposite.
I saw his whole body relax, I saw a smile come on his face...I watched as he pointed out the heartbeat to Jakson ♥♥♥
I think I will always have it in the back of my head that it could end at any time, and I hate that I have no control over that.
But what I do have control over is what I can enjoy, and I will enjoy this pregnancy.
I have been extremely exhausted, had horrible morning/all day sickness and now have only 3 pairs of pants that fit me, lol, but I will enjoy all of that because in the blink of an eye it could all be over.
We have fought to hard to get to this stage and I am going to make sure that I appreciate and love every minute of it.
oh, and our due date is June 28th, 2011 :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)