Is infertility one of the last taboo topics?
For the first year when we were trying I didn't tell anyone and even once we passed that first year I told people we were just starting to try for our second child.
I didn't want the pity or advice from others, but little did I know that talking about it was more likely to lead to uncomfortable pauses or changes of subject.
I don't know if it's just that people don't know what to say or how to react (which is completely understandable) but than I think about other tough conversation such as when someone has a loved one pass away, miscarriage, losing a job, relationship problems...most of the time people don't know what to say in these situations either but somehow they get through the moment.
When infertility is the topic of conversation people seem physically uncomfortable to discuss it and look desperate to change the topic.
Is it because it's the unknown? they don't feel they can talk about it because they don't know anything about it?
Is it because they don't want to say the wrong thing? or maybe because they feel it is such a private matter they shouldn't comment on it?
When I have told people that we will need to complete a police check to go through IVF people are more than willing to speak up and engage in an in-dept conversation about it but when you move on to discussing IVF they seem to want to end the conversation.
I want people to know that it's ok to talk about it.
It's ok to be inquisitive, it's ok to want to support those you love through their struggle. Of course this doesn't mean you have to be intrusive but you can follow their lead with the conversation or just simply ask them how it is all going and let them know you are there if they do need to talk.
Whatever the reason for infertility still being taboo, I hope that by me opening up about our struggles it will help others to be able to talk about it and slowly make it less taboo.
If there is one thing I hope to get out of our struggle, it is that.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Our Beautiful Boy....
As hard as this whole infertility journey has been on us, it's been just as hard on Jakson. He is very much going through this all with us.
We tried for as long as possible to not tell him what was happening but once I started on the fertility drugs and started getting the really horrible side effects we had no choice but to tell him.
I have mentioned this before but when I first started on the drugs I was bedridden for at least 3 weeks, I only got up if I absolutely had to otherwise I was in bed the whole time.
After seeing me in bed for so long and constantly throwing up, Jakson came into the bedroom and stood at the door and with the most confused, sad and heartbreaking face he asked me 'mummy are you dieing?'
I cannot even begin to imagine what my 4 year old son was thinking to ask me that :(
It was at that point that I had to tell him what was happening.
I sat him down on the bed with me and told him that I have been really sick because I am taking some yucky medicine that is going to help me get a baby in my tummy.
I would feel confident in saying that at least every second day since that conversation, Jakson has asked me if I have a baby in my tummy yet and will it be his brother or sister (or both!).
He has drawn pictures of me with a baby in my tummy, asked how and when it is going to happen, and every time he finds out someone else is pregnant he wants to know why I am not :(
About a week or so ago we went to a fairy park and while we were there we found a wishing well. I gave Jakson and his cousin Maddalyn (also 4yrs old) a coin each and told them to make a wish and throw the money in. They both wished that I would have a baby in my tummy....so beautiful from such gorgeous and innocent children.
On Sunday morning, two days after this trip to the fairy park Jakson came and climbed onto my lap. He turned to me and said 'mummy you have a baby in your tummy now' now I am used to him asking when I am going to get a baby in my tummy, but not to him telling me I have one in my tummy.
So I said back to him that I don't have one in my tummy yet but I really hope I will soon. With the most beautiful yet bewildered look he said to me 'but mummy, I made a wish for it to be in your tummy'
At that very moment, right than and there my heart both broke from sadness and melted from the love of my gorgeous boy.
So once again I was left to try to explain why I still didn't have a baby in my tummy, something that even I don't know the answer to.
Only last week we had to go to our appointment with our fertility specialist, as we didn't have a babysitter for Jakson, he had to come with us.
As we knew the chance of Jakson overhearing the word baby or something like that, we wanted to tell him why we were going to the doctor and what this doctor does.
We explained that this is the doctor who is helping us to get a baby in my tummy.
He asked lots of follow up questions like how, when, can he see the baby....all the 4yr old logical questions, lol
Everything was going fine, we had a portable DVD player there for Jakson to keep him distracted and he was sitting quietly listening to it :)
As we were leaving the doctors room and walking through the waiting area back to reception, Jakson said (and not very quietly I might add) 'mummy, you still don't have a baby in your tummy' 'when are you going to get one'
Now normally I can hold it together pretty well but after just getting some not great news about our test results and facing the reality that IVF is a path we will have to go down, I was not in a great mood. My eyes started to water, I got that big lump in my throat and felt like I was going to just crumble.
I felt horrible, but I had to tell Jakson to stop talking, not stop asking question but to stop talking full stop. I said to him that he can talk when we leave :(
Well he must have picked up on both Johnny and I not feeling great because he turned into super cute Jakson and had all 5 receptionist laughing and awwwing (I know that's not a word, but you know what I mean, lol) over him.
Thank goodness he started being cute because it helped me hold it together for those extra few minutes until we got out of there and I could let the tears flow.
Those are just some of the stories of how all of this has affect Jakson. Our beautiful boy is only be 4 years old but he too has gone through the infertility struggle with us, and that's just not fair at all!
We tried for as long as possible to not tell him what was happening but once I started on the fertility drugs and started getting the really horrible side effects we had no choice but to tell him.
I have mentioned this before but when I first started on the drugs I was bedridden for at least 3 weeks, I only got up if I absolutely had to otherwise I was in bed the whole time.
After seeing me in bed for so long and constantly throwing up, Jakson came into the bedroom and stood at the door and with the most confused, sad and heartbreaking face he asked me 'mummy are you dieing?'
I cannot even begin to imagine what my 4 year old son was thinking to ask me that :(
It was at that point that I had to tell him what was happening.
I sat him down on the bed with me and told him that I have been really sick because I am taking some yucky medicine that is going to help me get a baby in my tummy.
I would feel confident in saying that at least every second day since that conversation, Jakson has asked me if I have a baby in my tummy yet and will it be his brother or sister (or both!).
He has drawn pictures of me with a baby in my tummy, asked how and when it is going to happen, and every time he finds out someone else is pregnant he wants to know why I am not :(
About a week or so ago we went to a fairy park and while we were there we found a wishing well. I gave Jakson and his cousin Maddalyn (also 4yrs old) a coin each and told them to make a wish and throw the money in. They both wished that I would have a baby in my tummy....so beautiful from such gorgeous and innocent children.
On Sunday morning, two days after this trip to the fairy park Jakson came and climbed onto my lap. He turned to me and said 'mummy you have a baby in your tummy now' now I am used to him asking when I am going to get a baby in my tummy, but not to him telling me I have one in my tummy.
So I said back to him that I don't have one in my tummy yet but I really hope I will soon. With the most beautiful yet bewildered look he said to me 'but mummy, I made a wish for it to be in your tummy'
At that very moment, right than and there my heart both broke from sadness and melted from the love of my gorgeous boy.
So once again I was left to try to explain why I still didn't have a baby in my tummy, something that even I don't know the answer to.
Only last week we had to go to our appointment with our fertility specialist, as we didn't have a babysitter for Jakson, he had to come with us.
As we knew the chance of Jakson overhearing the word baby or something like that, we wanted to tell him why we were going to the doctor and what this doctor does.
We explained that this is the doctor who is helping us to get a baby in my tummy.
He asked lots of follow up questions like how, when, can he see the baby....all the 4yr old logical questions, lol
Everything was going fine, we had a portable DVD player there for Jakson to keep him distracted and he was sitting quietly listening to it :)
As we were leaving the doctors room and walking through the waiting area back to reception, Jakson said (and not very quietly I might add) 'mummy, you still don't have a baby in your tummy' 'when are you going to get one'
Now normally I can hold it together pretty well but after just getting some not great news about our test results and facing the reality that IVF is a path we will have to go down, I was not in a great mood. My eyes started to water, I got that big lump in my throat and felt like I was going to just crumble.
I felt horrible, but I had to tell Jakson to stop talking, not stop asking question but to stop talking full stop. I said to him that he can talk when we leave :(
Well he must have picked up on both Johnny and I not feeling great because he turned into super cute Jakson and had all 5 receptionist laughing and awwwing (I know that's not a word, but you know what I mean, lol) over him.
Thank goodness he started being cute because it helped me hold it together for those extra few minutes until we got out of there and I could let the tears flow.
Those are just some of the stories of how all of this has affect Jakson. Our beautiful boy is only be 4 years old but he too has gone through the infertility struggle with us, and that's just not fair at all!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Guilt
Guilt, it's such a horrible feeling and through all of this struggle we've had with infertility I have had to deal with a lot of guilt.
I still have a tremendous amount of guilt over Jakson's pregnancy.
I never really enjoyed it for what it was, I didn't fully take in all the different parts of it...both the good and the bad.
During his pregnancy I had a lot going on in my life, moving house, studying, a very difficult pregnancy (morning sickness everyday from 4 weeks right through to the delivery room, multiple scares and bleeding throughout....) and family conflict and all of these things took their toll on me and in a way I guess it took away from me being pregnant.
I hate that I didn't keep a journal to have a record of all the things that went on, all the feelings I was experiencing, how big my belly was growing, etc...
His birth was hard, really hard and I don't know much of what happened.
There are still a massive amount issues surrounding his birth, and I don't know if I will ever come to terms with some of them.
I don't have many photos of me pregnant, not many at all :(
I don't have any at all of me breastfeeding, I wish I had even just one.
I really wish I had done a journal, taken more photos and really enjoyed the pregnancy but I wasn't to know that it may have been my one and only pregnancy.
If it is my only pregnancy I will forever be angry at myself that I didn't cherish it
I have so much guilt that I waited so long to seek help with our infertility.
Once you have reached the 12 month mark, you can get a referral to a fertility specialist.
At the 12mth mark of our journey I wasn't mentally or emotionally ready to take that step. I wasn't ready to admit that we needed help, I wasn't ready to accept help.
It wasn't until well after the 2yr mark that I took that step and we got the referral.
There is a lot of guilt I have about this. I know that I needed to wait until I was ready but I still can't help thinking what would have been if we had started earlier. Would we have a baby in our arms by now, or at least be pregnant? probably.
Everything is always easier in retrospect, if only we could turn back the clock
I still have a tremendous amount of guilt over Jakson's pregnancy.
I never really enjoyed it for what it was, I didn't fully take in all the different parts of it...both the good and the bad.
During his pregnancy I had a lot going on in my life, moving house, studying, a very difficult pregnancy (morning sickness everyday from 4 weeks right through to the delivery room, multiple scares and bleeding throughout....) and family conflict and all of these things took their toll on me and in a way I guess it took away from me being pregnant.
I hate that I didn't keep a journal to have a record of all the things that went on, all the feelings I was experiencing, how big my belly was growing, etc...
His birth was hard, really hard and I don't know much of what happened.
There are still a massive amount issues surrounding his birth, and I don't know if I will ever come to terms with some of them.
I don't have many photos of me pregnant, not many at all :(
I don't have any at all of me breastfeeding, I wish I had even just one.
I really wish I had done a journal, taken more photos and really enjoyed the pregnancy but I wasn't to know that it may have been my one and only pregnancy.
If it is my only pregnancy I will forever be angry at myself that I didn't cherish it
I have so much guilt that I waited so long to seek help with our infertility.
Once you have reached the 12 month mark, you can get a referral to a fertility specialist.
At the 12mth mark of our journey I wasn't mentally or emotionally ready to take that step. I wasn't ready to admit that we needed help, I wasn't ready to accept help.
It wasn't until well after the 2yr mark that I took that step and we got the referral.
There is a lot of guilt I have about this. I know that I needed to wait until I was ready but I still can't help thinking what would have been if we had started earlier. Would we have a baby in our arms by now, or at least be pregnant? probably.
Everything is always easier in retrospect, if only we could turn back the clock
Friday, April 23, 2010
"That" person!
During my pregnancy with Jakson I didn't really have a big support network.
I had my amazing mum, Debbie, and my beautiful best friend Stephenie and of course my wonderful husband Johnny and that was about it for a close support network.
I had other friends that took an interest but it was these three that really helped me through it.
Mum, Steph and Johnny were there to ask me about the appointments, shop with me, plan my baby shower, listen to my fears and wipe away my tears, jump around excitedly with me and hold my hand when things got scary (I didn't have an easy pregnancy).
I know I should be this support person for others right now but knowing what should be done and what I actually feel are two very different things.
There were people who should have been there for me during my pregnancy with Jakson but for whatever reason chose to be out of my life at that time, and that still upsets me even 5 years later.
I don't want people to look back on their pregnancies and feel that way about me :(
What makes me really sad at the moment is that I don't know how to put my feelings aside and be happy for those around me that are pregnant.
I really wish I could but I honestly don't know how to :(
I hate that people are scared to tell me they are either going to start trying to fall pregnant or that they are pregnant.
I hate that that moment of when you tell people you are pregnant and they are all excited and happy for you is taken away from some of our nearest and dearest because they are either unsure how to tell us or scared that they will upset us.
I can completely understand why they would be scared to come out and tell us, we know they don't want to intentionally upset us.
I don't want to be the person that people need to walk around on eggshells around, I don't want to be that person who avoids certain social situations due to the chance pregnancy might be a topic of conversation, I don't want to be that person that finds out everything last because people don't know how to tell me.....but I am that person and it sucks! plan and simple, it sucks!
Am I bitter? yes, am I angry? yes, but this doesn't mean I'm bitter and angry towards others.
It's more that I am bitter and angry towards the situation, towards infertility, towards myself :(
I had my amazing mum, Debbie, and my beautiful best friend Stephenie and of course my wonderful husband Johnny and that was about it for a close support network.
I had other friends that took an interest but it was these three that really helped me through it.
Mum, Steph and Johnny were there to ask me about the appointments, shop with me, plan my baby shower, listen to my fears and wipe away my tears, jump around excitedly with me and hold my hand when things got scary (I didn't have an easy pregnancy).
I know I should be this support person for others right now but knowing what should be done and what I actually feel are two very different things.
There were people who should have been there for me during my pregnancy with Jakson but for whatever reason chose to be out of my life at that time, and that still upsets me even 5 years later.
I don't want people to look back on their pregnancies and feel that way about me :(
What makes me really sad at the moment is that I don't know how to put my feelings aside and be happy for those around me that are pregnant.
I really wish I could but I honestly don't know how to :(
I hate that people are scared to tell me they are either going to start trying to fall pregnant or that they are pregnant.
I hate that that moment of when you tell people you are pregnant and they are all excited and happy for you is taken away from some of our nearest and dearest because they are either unsure how to tell us or scared that they will upset us.
I can completely understand why they would be scared to come out and tell us, we know they don't want to intentionally upset us.
I don't want to be the person that people need to walk around on eggshells around, I don't want to be that person who avoids certain social situations due to the chance pregnancy might be a topic of conversation, I don't want to be that person that finds out everything last because people don't know how to tell me.....but I am that person and it sucks! plan and simple, it sucks!
Am I bitter? yes, am I angry? yes, but this doesn't mean I'm bitter and angry towards others.
It's more that I am bitter and angry towards the situation, towards infertility, towards myself :(
Always waiting for announcements
One of the harder parts of what we are going through is always feeling nervous of impending pregnancy announcements.
I feel like I am always on edge just waiting for friends and family to say they are pregnant. It's not a feeling I like at all, it's actually quite horrible.
Even if the people around us aren't even trying to fall pregnant, I still get that horrible feeling in the bottom of my stomach every time someone even begins to mention they have news to share.
You know when people do those ambiguous facebok status 'we're so happy at the moment' 'I can't believe it's really happening' etc....all of those kind of things always lead me to think the person is pregnant.
It's my first reaction to anyone being excited or saying they have something to tell me, when really it could be something as simple as 'I have a new job' 'I'm going on a holiday' etc...
It's especially hard if these sort of comments are made in person, my heart starts to race, I get hot flushes and start to sweat....doesn't sound nice at all does it? :( and this is only because I am thinking they may come out and say they are pregnant.
When people do tell me they are pregnant, I almost always just want to burst into tears. I can and do burst into tears if the person isn't standing there in front of me. But if they have told me in person that they are pregnant it takes every bit of strength that I have to hold back those tears and to let that person enjoy their moment, even though their moment has just crushed me.
If there were one piece of advice I would give to people about how to tell someone who is going through infertility that they are pregnant, I would say to tell them in a text message or email or any other way you tell them where the person doesn't have to react straight way (like they do in person or on the phone), at least that way they have time to process it, cry, get all of the crappy feelings that come with infertility out of they way before they call you when they are ready to talk about it and congratulate you.
I feel like I am always on edge just waiting for friends and family to say they are pregnant. It's not a feeling I like at all, it's actually quite horrible.
Even if the people around us aren't even trying to fall pregnant, I still get that horrible feeling in the bottom of my stomach every time someone even begins to mention they have news to share.
You know when people do those ambiguous facebok status 'we're so happy at the moment' 'I can't believe it's really happening' etc....all of those kind of things always lead me to think the person is pregnant.
It's my first reaction to anyone being excited or saying they have something to tell me, when really it could be something as simple as 'I have a new job' 'I'm going on a holiday' etc...
It's especially hard if these sort of comments are made in person, my heart starts to race, I get hot flushes and start to sweat....doesn't sound nice at all does it? :( and this is only because I am thinking they may come out and say they are pregnant.
When people do tell me they are pregnant, I almost always just want to burst into tears. I can and do burst into tears if the person isn't standing there in front of me. But if they have told me in person that they are pregnant it takes every bit of strength that I have to hold back those tears and to let that person enjoy their moment, even though their moment has just crushed me.
If there were one piece of advice I would give to people about how to tell someone who is going through infertility that they are pregnant, I would say to tell them in a text message or email or any other way you tell them where the person doesn't have to react straight way (like they do in person or on the phone), at least that way they have time to process it, cry, get all of the crappy feelings that come with infertility out of they way before they call you when they are ready to talk about it and congratulate you.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
IVF
We had another appointment with our fertility specialist yesterday and lets just say it wasn't what we were expecting :(
We got some test results and they weren't good. It looks like IVF might be our only chance at having another baby.
To be honest, I never ever thought that we would need IVF. We have Jakson, who we conceived naturally, it turns out that Jakson may very well be a true miracle baby.
When IVF was mentioned it sent fear through me, as well as excitement, confusion, sadness, anger and just a complete feeling of being overwhelmed.
In order to do IVF we are both going to need to have a police check and child protection order check done! To me having to do these checks is highly offensive, why would we go through such invasive investigative procedures and test, and the emotional roller coaster we have been on if we didn't truly want a child to love and take care of???
Now, I really have to focus on getting this anger out and letting go of it because this process is going to be hard enough without holding on to this frustration over the police checks.
If you also agree that having to get police checks are ridiculous than you may want to join This Facebook Group to show your support
We won't try IVF for a few months yet, first we have to re-do some tests and I have to have my operation on the 6th of May and after that we start on injections to stimulate ovulation. I will have to have daily injection and hope that they work better than the other drugs I have been on.
Right now we are still trying to take it all in, there is a lot to comprehend and process at the moment. IVF is not only extremal expensive (thousands and thousands of dollars for each try) but it so emotionally taxing not only on us as individuals but as a couple as well. The drugs involved are hard on the body and I have to make sure that I can still be a good mum to Jakson while trying for another baby.
All we can do right now is keep our fingers crossed we get another little miracle bub and don't have to do IVF
We got some test results and they weren't good. It looks like IVF might be our only chance at having another baby.
To be honest, I never ever thought that we would need IVF. We have Jakson, who we conceived naturally, it turns out that Jakson may very well be a true miracle baby.
When IVF was mentioned it sent fear through me, as well as excitement, confusion, sadness, anger and just a complete feeling of being overwhelmed.
In order to do IVF we are both going to need to have a police check and child protection order check done! To me having to do these checks is highly offensive, why would we go through such invasive investigative procedures and test, and the emotional roller coaster we have been on if we didn't truly want a child to love and take care of???
Now, I really have to focus on getting this anger out and letting go of it because this process is going to be hard enough without holding on to this frustration over the police checks.
If you also agree that having to get police checks are ridiculous than you may want to join This Facebook Group to show your support
We won't try IVF for a few months yet, first we have to re-do some tests and I have to have my operation on the 6th of May and after that we start on injections to stimulate ovulation. I will have to have daily injection and hope that they work better than the other drugs I have been on.
Right now we are still trying to take it all in, there is a lot to comprehend and process at the moment. IVF is not only extremal expensive (thousands and thousands of dollars for each try) but it so emotionally taxing not only on us as individuals but as a couple as well. The drugs involved are hard on the body and I have to make sure that I can still be a good mum to Jakson while trying for another baby.
All we can do right now is keep our fingers crossed we get another little miracle bub and don't have to do IVF
Monday, April 19, 2010
The little things
Sometimes it's the little things that are the hardest.
It's those things that happen everyday, and happen everywhere....the things you cannot escape.
It's the things that natural, that people don't even know they are doing but for me, those things just tear me apart.
The rubbing of a pregnant belly, talk of due dates, morning sickness, buying those newborn outfits, keeping everyone update on Facebook.....these things are just so so hard to watch my friends and family go through knowing I should be excited for them but knowing that in reality excitement for others is just too hard right now.
Oh how I would love to be throwing up every day because of morning sickness, rather than throwing up all day because of the medication I have to take to try get pregnant.
I would love to have to rub my belly because it's so big and the baby is kicking me, instead of having to be doubled over in pain from sever cramps or worry if I am having a potentially dangerous over reaction to the drugs.
I'd love to have to try and organise OB appointments rather than having to organise specialist appointments, test, procedures....all of which can only be done at certain times during my cycle.
One day I'll get to rub my pregnant belly, buy that little outfit and complain all I want about horrible morning sickness lol....one day it will happen again
xoxo
It's those things that happen everyday, and happen everywhere....the things you cannot escape.
It's the things that natural, that people don't even know they are doing but for me, those things just tear me apart.
The rubbing of a pregnant belly, talk of due dates, morning sickness, buying those newborn outfits, keeping everyone update on Facebook.....these things are just so so hard to watch my friends and family go through knowing I should be excited for them but knowing that in reality excitement for others is just too hard right now.
Oh how I would love to be throwing up every day because of morning sickness, rather than throwing up all day because of the medication I have to take to try get pregnant.
I would love to have to rub my belly because it's so big and the baby is kicking me, instead of having to be doubled over in pain from sever cramps or worry if I am having a potentially dangerous over reaction to the drugs.
I'd love to have to try and organise OB appointments rather than having to organise specialist appointments, test, procedures....all of which can only be done at certain times during my cycle.
One day I'll get to rub my pregnant belly, buy that little outfit and complain all I want about horrible morning sickness lol....one day it will happen again
xoxo
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