Hate!

It's such a strong word, so how can I feel something so strong for myself? :(


Yep, that's right I hate myself! I hate what I have become, I hate what and how I think, I hate what infertility has done to me.


I am not a nice person or a good person....I am bitter, angry, frustrated, jealous....so many negative words.

I hate that the drugs are making me so unpredictable, I don't even know when I'm going to have a mood swing so how are the people around me to know what to do or how to act to not upset me

The smallest thing can set me off and once I am put in 'that' mood, I have no idea how to get out of it!
I know what I am feeling and I know what I want to be feeling but I just don't know how to go from one to the other

I hate breaking down in tears for no apparent reason, I hate always putting on a facade that I am ok and that I am coping.
I hate that I feel like I am lying when I appear to be happy, because I know that for every single second of every single day I am in pain....and a very deep pain :(


I don't know if I will ever go back to the person I was before, but I really hope I can get some of that back because the person that I am now is not a person I like.

Injections!!!

So we have finally reached the point of having to do injections!
I never thought we would get to this stage, but here we are and how silly I was to think that we would be able to start this treatment without some bumps in the road!

When we discussed with our specialist the next step of doing Puregon injections (a drug to help your body ovulate properly and basically just do what your body is supposed to do) it was back in March. We had to wait to re-do some tests and for me to have my operation and than wait for my next cycle to start so we could begin the injections.

Now because we had to wait so long I didn't want to get the script filled and than misplace it, so I thought I would wait until I needed to use it before I got it.

Well my cycle started and I was due to start the injections on day 3, so I went to get the script filled and no chemist had it!
Johnny spent the next two days getting the script filled for me, it turns out that because it is so expensive ($750) chemist only order it in when needed - which makes sense, I just wish someone had told me!

So after much running around we finally got it, well so I thought!

When I opened the box I found needle tips and the Puregon cartridges...but no trigger pen that you need to actually give yourself the drug!

In a panic I rang the pharmacist, but she had no idea about the pen.
She looked it up and couldn't find anything about it, she called other pharmacists and they knew nothing either!

I was really starting to panic and getting very stressed now, it was now 6pm of day 3 of my cycle and I had to start them than.

I went down to our local doctors to see if they could give it to me but they couldn't, it can only be used in the trigger pen!

Poor Jakson had been dragged around with me and now had to put up with a mum who was crying her eyes out, my poor little man didn't know what to think and just kept trying to make me smile and comfort me :(

We got home from the doctors and I paged our specialist who called me and said that I should be able to get the pen from the hospital first thing in the morning, which meant I would have to miss work the following morning and face peak hour traffic to get into the city to get the pen!
I was really not in a good state of mind, I was highly emotional and so angry with myself for not getting it all sorted sooner!

Trying to calm myself down, I posted about it on the parenting forum I am on and to my surprise one lovely lady who only lives 20 minutes away had a pen I could have!!!
The sense of relief was amazing, absolutely indescribable.
After everything we have been through, it may seem like a small thing but something finally went our way and worked out.
I cannot thank Abbey enough for going out of her way to meet me late at night to give me the pen :)

We got home and I got ready to give myself the first injection! ekkkk!!! lol

I put the instructional DVD on and tried to get Johnny to watch it with me, but sitting on the couch and covering your eyes really isn't going to help LOL, so he went off and got Jakson ready for bed while I did the first injection.

I didn't realise I would have to actually put the needle into myself, I thought it would be like an EpiPen where you just put it against the skin and press the button...nope!

I finally worked up the courage to do it and it didn't hurt at all, it was actually very easy to insert the needle. Pushing the drug in however, well that hurt! OUCH!!!

But it was done, I had given myself the first injection.
I had a lot of emotions happening; happiness, relief and sadness that it has all come down to this.

But like they say the first step is the hardest, so I've done the first one now and hopefully this is the cycle that gives us the much wanted positive pregnancy test!

Celebrations....not always a happy time

On May 26th I turned 28!

A birthday for me, a happy occasion, a time to celebrate...right?

Well unfortunately for every celebration there is, it is a reminder of how long we have been trying to fall pregnant.

Celebrations like birthdays, Christmas, Easter, anniversaries...all of them, it's like a timeline of our infertility struggles.


It's so hard for me to get my head past my own 'woe is me' mind frame at time like this.
Logically I know that I should be happy to be celebrating another birthday, that I have a loving family there to celebrate with me.....but inside it hurts like you wouldn't believe.

This was my 4th birthday in a row of not being pregnant and it hurt so much :(

If it wasn't for how excited Jakson was about my birthday, I probably would have just stayed in bed crying all day :(

I know what I want to feel, but it's not what I actually do feel and that is something that is really hard to process.

If only we were able to control our emotions or feel they way we want to feel, instead of always trying to fight the feelings that are there.

Is the grass always greener on the other side?

The grass is always greener on the other side, it's a phrase we hear a lot, but do we really take any notice of it?

Although we are going through something horrible, I have to say that as a couple we are as stronger as ever.
Infertility can definitely tear a couple apart, it's emotionally, physically and financially draining. You constantly have to try and arrange appointments around your work and personal life, and it's hard for some couples to not blame the other or to not blame themselves and sometimes that blame is just to hard to overcome and can be the final straw for some couples.

For us though it has not tested our relationship but strengthened it.
I don't know how to explain it, but I feel closer, more connected to him because of all of this.

I know you should never judge a book by it's cover but it's human nature to judge, or at least make assumptions on the things we can see.
I've looked at so many people and couples and thought that they really do have it all, a happy marriage, children, a nice home, car, job.......I've been jealous, resentful and in awe of their life. Life just seems to come so easy to them and yet we have to fight and struggle for what should be the easiest and most natural thing in the world.
However than I get more of an insight into their lives and realise that they do not have it all.

I have come to find that a lot of people I thought had it all, in fact have troubled marriages :(
I've heard of people who do not have the support of their husband like I do from mine. People who are struggling with every aspect of their life, people who are close to separation or divorce and it's heartbreaking to know they are going through something that is leaving them without a person there to unconditionally support and love them.


I've had people say to me how much they admire Johnny and my relationship, how they can see the love we have for each other and how they wish they could have what we have.
I hate what we are going through with infertility, but I would hate even more to be going through relationship problems or facing the end of my marriage.


I guess I've come to find that the grass is not greener on the other side

When is enough, enough?

When is enough, enough? When do you know that you can't take anymore?

I always wonder about people and how they know they have reached breaking point and if they do know they are at breaking point, than what do they do?

I honestly don't know how much more I can take, I am exhausted in every single way possible....emotionally, psychologically, financially and physically, just completely exhausted.


I don't know if I have the energy for it anymore, I know I will have to find it but I don't know how or where it will come from?

How much advice do I need to listen to, how many questions do I need to answer, how many times do I have to pretend being asked 'are you pregnant' doesn't hurt before I snap?

Most of the time I just want to curl up in a ball and cry or lash out in anger, but at the moment I just feel numb and that is the scariest feeling of all :(
To not feel anything when I know I should be, is horrible.
I would much rather be angry or sad than nothing at all.

I don't know how to deal with numbness. Will it pass? is this the warning signs I should be looking for?


I am as open and honest as I can be with people about what we are going through but that in itself is draining. It can be like groundhog day going over and over it all the time. Always filling people in on how appointments have gone, or what stage we are up to.
While I love that I am opening peoples eyes to infertility, it is really starting to take it's toll on me.


I don't have the energy for the facade that everything is ok anymore, that I'm ok or that I'm coping. I'm not coping and I'm not ok.

What would you do?

Now that the likelihood that IVF will be our path is getting closer and closer, I have come to realise that we may have some very tough and serious decisions to make.

IVF is when the egg is taken from me and the sperm from Johnny to fertilise the egg outside my body, which when fertilised than becomes an embryo.
This embryo will have both mine and Johnny's DNA and is the start of our child.

Now from my understanding, they don't just take one.
They try to take as many as they can but will only transfer one at a time back into my uterus to see if it sticks and we end up pregnant.
The other embryo's are than frozen incase the embryo that has been implanted does not stick.

Now if we are successful on our first cycle of IVF we could potentially have 3 or 4 (or even more) frozen embryos. We would than have to make the decision if we want them destroyed, donated to science for medical research or donated to a couple who have most likely been through everything we have been through and more.

To be honest, I don't feel comfortable with any of these options.
I don't want what could be my child to just be destroyed, and I don't want medical research done with it.
The thought of donating it to another couple fills me with joy but I honestly don't think I could. I feel so selfish for saying that and somewhat embrasses I guess.
I know what they have been through....the heartache, the emotional ups and down, the financial pressure....all of it.
But, if we were to donate our embryo, than really our child would be out there somewhere.
Now while I have no doubt that just being the biological parents does not make you the child's mum and dad, being a mum and dad is something you have to earn by treating your child right, loving them and caring for them in the best way you can, having a child out there with our DNA does make them our biological child.

This means that they would inherit our medical history, and my families medical history is like an encyclopedia of rare medical illness! and some of these medical conditions do have a genetic component to them.
How could I possibly put that onto another family, I at least have the knowledge of my medical history and in a way I know what may happen to any children I have.

Would I always worry if the embryo I donated developed one of these medical conditions, are the parents coping ok?

What if the child wants to meet us when they are older, would I be prepared for that?

Would I be able to not think 'I wonder how that child turned out'?


I recently got to hear the wonderful outcome of an embryo donation.
I have been following another ladies infertility journey and my heart has broken for her as treatment failed and they had to wait for someone to donate an embryo.
Well thanks to a beautiful and selfless couple out there, this lady is now pregnant with their donated embryo.
The complete and overwhelming sense of joy I felt when I found out she is pregnant was amazing, I would love to one day be able to be apart of that joy for another couple.


There is so much to consider, so much to discuss between my husband and myself.
It is definitely not a decision that just one of us can make, it either has to be we both agree to do it or we don't do it at all.



It's one of the toughest decisions we may have to make, do you know what you would do???

Baby names

We have been trying to fall pregnant for well over 3 years now and that is a lot of time to think about baby names.

Many, many, many times I have thought about what our next child will be named and while I don't have a definite name chosen, there are some names that I love (some since I was a young teenager) and those names have been at the top of my list....however many friends and family have been lucky enough to fall pregnant and have their baby while we are still on this roller coaster and even though they don't know it, they have named their child a name that was on my list.

I know you can't own a name or stop others from using it but I will openly admit that I feel ripped off, cheated, angry, frustrated that because it is taking us so long to fall pregnant I now have to cross names of my list that I would have loved to name our child.

This probably seems like a really petty thing to get upset about, especially considering the bigger picture of what we are going through but it's these little things, these joyous little things that come with expecting a child that dig the knife in deeper, make the pain more intense because when it does come our time to pick a name for our child all that we have been through will still be there right back in my face when I know that some of those names are now off the list.

I guess sometimes it's the little things that really intensify the bigger issues