I'm not sure if grieve is the right word or not but I often think if I have really acknowledged what infertility has taken from us, all the lost opportunities, the stress....
Should I grieve for what could or should have been ours?
Over the past three years there have been so many things I've missed out on or had pass us by that have been tarnished by our struggle.
I have had to forgo two fantastic job opportunities because 'what if I fall pregnant' jobs that I would have LOVED and been good at.
We've had to miss out on holidays we were planning because it might have coincided with ovulation time or an appointment, test or treatment or the money for the holiday has had to go towards our infertility battle
Each and every mothers day, fathers day, birthday, Christmas, Easter....all have are such happy occasions but all are a reminder of the fact that I am still not pregnant
The financial and emotional pressure it has put us under is unmeasurable, the toll it takes it something that will probably never be undone
Should I grieve for that moment where you think you might be pregnant, go get the test and wait with such excitement and anticipation to see if you are pregnant or not.....that is a moment we will never have, even if we have another child and try for a third we will never believe that we will be luckily enough to have a moment like that. I am very much an optimist but being optimistic can only get you so far
While I have cried, screamed, and vented about our struggles I don't think I've ever really acknowledge what it has stolen from us and allowed myself to believe that my feelings of being 'ripped off' are valid and just.
I guess the only upside, if there is one, is that I have been able to share all of this with you and help those that are going through this but don't have the strength or want to share it, know that they are not alone and hopefully letting them know that their thoughts and feelings are valid and ok.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Footprints
Just wanted to share one of my absolute favourite poems, and one that I always look to in times of despair and hardship.....it has got me through many tough times
FOOTPRINTS
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.
This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.
The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
FOOTPRINTS
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.
This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.
The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
Thank-you....yes, YOU!
Just wanted to make a post to say Thank-you to everyone out there who is reading this :)
I may not know who you are (feel free to comment and say hi :)but I do want you all to know that I appreciate the messages I have received, I cannot begin to tell you how much it means to me to know that I am opening people's eyes to the pain of infertility. Like I have mentioned before infertility is still a bit of a taboo topic and knowing that people are reading and learning from my experience gives me a positive in what has been such a negative experience :)
So thank-you everyone, and like I said....comment below and say hello (I won't bite ;)
I may not know who you are (feel free to comment and say hi :)but I do want you all to know that I appreciate the messages I have received, I cannot begin to tell you how much it means to me to know that I am opening people's eyes to the pain of infertility. Like I have mentioned before infertility is still a bit of a taboo topic and knowing that people are reading and learning from my experience gives me a positive in what has been such a negative experience :)
So thank-you everyone, and like I said....comment below and say hello (I won't bite ;)
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
What can you do to help?
What can I do to help?
That is a question we get asked often, people just want to know what they can do to help us during this horrible time
To be honest, as much as we wish there was something, there really isn't much you can do to help :(
There are things that have made it easier over the past few years, a nice card in the mail, a loving message, an invitation to lunch/dinner....all of these things may seem like small gestures but they really do help to make it a little easier.
They help us to know you're out there and thinking of us, or to get our minds off things by going out for a meal and not having to think about it
Not so much for Johnny, but for me, I like it when people ask what is happening or what treatment we are up to. When people take an interested in learning about what we are going through it makes my feelings about it all feel a bit more validated.
Some days are so hard for some many different reasons (just had a doctors appointment, or heard a pregnancy announcement, someone had a baby, saw a pregnant woman rub her belly...so many reasons) and a simple text message with a 'hey, just seeing how you are' or a funny joke to make us smile can mean the world
That is a question we get asked often, people just want to know what they can do to help us during this horrible time
To be honest, as much as we wish there was something, there really isn't much you can do to help :(
There are things that have made it easier over the past few years, a nice card in the mail, a loving message, an invitation to lunch/dinner....all of these things may seem like small gestures but they really do help to make it a little easier.
They help us to know you're out there and thinking of us, or to get our minds off things by going out for a meal and not having to think about it
Not so much for Johnny, but for me, I like it when people ask what is happening or what treatment we are up to. When people take an interested in learning about what we are going through it makes my feelings about it all feel a bit more validated.
Some days are so hard for some many different reasons (just had a doctors appointment, or heard a pregnancy announcement, someone had a baby, saw a pregnant woman rub her belly...so many reasons) and a simple text message with a 'hey, just seeing how you are' or a funny joke to make us smile can mean the world
Monday, June 7, 2010
TWW
TWW = Two Week Wait! for anyone who has not been lucky enough to conceive in the first few months they will know how horrible the two week wait can be :(
It's the time between ovulation and finding out if you are pregnant or not.
I had another appointment with our fertility specialist and she did a scan that showed I have a mature follicle (the sac that contains the egg) that is ready to ovulate. So she gave me a trigger injection that should start ovulation.
So we now have a very small window in which we can fall pregnant and than a very long two week wait to see if we are successful or not.
For me the two week wait is absolutely horrible, it's a time where everything seems like a possible pregnancy symptom.
Am I feeling more nauseous than normal? are my boobs sore? am I bloated? Is my skin or hair different? am I more tired than usual? am I going to the toilet more?
there are so many pregnancy symptoms that can lead you to get your hopes up, and me being the optimist I am, always convince myself that it is an early pregnancy sign.
I know I am setting myself up for heartbreak and disappointment but I just can't seem to help it, what my heart feels and what my head is telling me are two completely different things.
I think this will be the hardest two week wait I've gone through because I know I have ovulated and I know we have...hmmm how do I put it, ceased the opportunity ;) so I know that there really is a good chance this cycle.
I am sure this will be the longest two weeks of my life! I don't know what I am going to do to stop thinking about it, I will have to find things to keep me busy and distracted...although I am sure it is all I am going to think about until we do a pregnancy test at the end of the two weeks.
Who knew two weeks could seem so long?
It's the time between ovulation and finding out if you are pregnant or not.
I had another appointment with our fertility specialist and she did a scan that showed I have a mature follicle (the sac that contains the egg) that is ready to ovulate. So she gave me a trigger injection that should start ovulation.
So we now have a very small window in which we can fall pregnant and than a very long two week wait to see if we are successful or not.
For me the two week wait is absolutely horrible, it's a time where everything seems like a possible pregnancy symptom.
Am I feeling more nauseous than normal? are my boobs sore? am I bloated? Is my skin or hair different? am I more tired than usual? am I going to the toilet more?
there are so many pregnancy symptoms that can lead you to get your hopes up, and me being the optimist I am, always convince myself that it is an early pregnancy sign.
I know I am setting myself up for heartbreak and disappointment but I just can't seem to help it, what my heart feels and what my head is telling me are two completely different things.
I think this will be the hardest two week wait I've gone through because I know I have ovulated and I know we have...hmmm how do I put it, ceased the opportunity ;) so I know that there really is a good chance this cycle.
I am sure this will be the longest two weeks of my life! I don't know what I am going to do to stop thinking about it, I will have to find things to keep me busy and distracted...although I am sure it is all I am going to think about until we do a pregnancy test at the end of the two weeks.
Who knew two weeks could seem so long?
Friday, June 4, 2010
It's official!
so it's now official....we are doing IVF!
We found out yesterday after getting some not great test results back that IVF is the path we will have to take
I am still trying to process it all, I think over the past few months I have tried to prepare myself but I will say honestly that deep down I never thought we would need IVF
It is all very overwhelming and somewhat confusing
The first thing I had to do yesterday was register with the IVF clinic, we are going through Melbourne IVF.
Now we need to complete our police checks (still very angry about this!) and our child protection order checks to make sure we don't have any child protection orders against us.
I was up until midnight last night filling in all the paperwork and am going to send it all off today. The checks should take about two weeks to come back.
Than on July 2nd we have an appointment to see the counsellor (a counselling session is needed by law before be can begin) and an appointment with the nurse to go through the plan and an appointment with the accounts department (not looking forward to that, IVF is extremely expensive....think $7,000+).
Once all these appointments are done we have to wait for my cycle to start and than we start our IVF treatment, which will take about 6-7 weeks!
It's not a quick, fun or cheap process to go through at all......but it is what it is, and lets just hope that we can get pregnant on the first cycle because in all honesty we only have one shot at this, we just don't have the money for more than one go
We found out yesterday after getting some not great test results back that IVF is the path we will have to take
I am still trying to process it all, I think over the past few months I have tried to prepare myself but I will say honestly that deep down I never thought we would need IVF
It is all very overwhelming and somewhat confusing
The first thing I had to do yesterday was register with the IVF clinic, we are going through Melbourne IVF.
Now we need to complete our police checks (still very angry about this!) and our child protection order checks to make sure we don't have any child protection orders against us.
I was up until midnight last night filling in all the paperwork and am going to send it all off today. The checks should take about two weeks to come back.
Than on July 2nd we have an appointment to see the counsellor (a counselling session is needed by law before be can begin) and an appointment with the nurse to go through the plan and an appointment with the accounts department (not looking forward to that, IVF is extremely expensive....think $7,000+).
Once all these appointments are done we have to wait for my cycle to start and than we start our IVF treatment, which will take about 6-7 weeks!
It's not a quick, fun or cheap process to go through at all......but it is what it is, and lets just hope that we can get pregnant on the first cycle because in all honesty we only have one shot at this, we just don't have the money for more than one go
Black sheep
If there is one thing that can make you feel completely alone and separated from friends and family, it's infertility
Johnny and I are already the black sheeps of our families. We have very different opinion and beliefs to those in our family and to be honest we don't have that much in common with them (except for sharing genetics, lol) we are often left out of things (not always in a malicious way) or the last to find things out.... I guess we are used to this but with what we are going through, it has really divided us even more
My family have tried to understand about our struggles but none of our family or friends have gone through this, we don't have anyone to talk t about this....no one to vent to, cry to, no one to really understand how we feel
I am lucky that I have some wonderful girls on the parenting forum I am on who have either been there or are going through it to be my shoulder to cry on, an ear that I can vent to, but Johnny doesn't have anyone to talk to about this (well except me).
I don't think his family know (or care) what we are going through, there is never any phone calls to see what is happening or how we are....why is there never any support for the males going through infertility?? :(
I guess if they never call to see how Jakson is, why would they call to see how he is?
I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone, but I also wish we had someone who really did understand this crap we are going through
Johnny and I are already the black sheeps of our families. We have very different opinion and beliefs to those in our family and to be honest we don't have that much in common with them (except for sharing genetics, lol) we are often left out of things (not always in a malicious way) or the last to find things out.... I guess we are used to this but with what we are going through, it has really divided us even more
My family have tried to understand about our struggles but none of our family or friends have gone through this, we don't have anyone to talk t about this....no one to vent to, cry to, no one to really understand how we feel
I am lucky that I have some wonderful girls on the parenting forum I am on who have either been there or are going through it to be my shoulder to cry on, an ear that I can vent to, but Johnny doesn't have anyone to talk to about this (well except me).
I don't think his family know (or care) what we are going through, there is never any phone calls to see what is happening or how we are....why is there never any support for the males going through infertility?? :(
I guess if they never call to see how Jakson is, why would they call to see how he is?
I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone, but I also wish we had someone who really did understand this crap we are going through
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