I had a scan today to see how many follicles I have and if I am ready for the next stage. Unfortunately I only had 2 "okay-ish" looking follicles (they want me to have about 8 good looking ones) so now I will continue on the injections for a few days and have another scan on Wednesday to see if things are better.
If things are not better than than they will either up my dose of the injection to encourage a better reaction or cancel the cycle if things are still not looking good and hope next cycle is better on a higher dose.
This is where the mental games really comes into play, I have to really try and not over think or over analyse things. I have to remind myself that it can take some time to work out the right dose but that doesn't mean it won't work, I have to remind myself that what works for one person might not work for me and most importantly I have to remind myself that it's not over yet...it's just a bump in the road.
It's tough to make yourself believe all of those things and to not just want to give up or start to mentally prepare yourself for the cycle to fail
Monday, June 28, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
A happy medium
I really need to try and find a happy medium, if that's possible.
I keep going from being extremely optimistic and having my hopes right up there to crashing down and having such fear that this is all going to fail or something is going to go wrong
I wish I knew how to get to that place where I am prepared in case it doesn't work out but also so hopeful and optimistic that it will work.....
I went in to this with the highest hopes possible, so sure it was all going to work but now, well now I'm not so sure. Maybe it's because it's so close now, I have a scan on Monday to see if we're ready to go to the next stage or if I need some more injection or if we need to cancel this cycle (if my body has under or over stimulated).
We also have had to two very close friends go through the tragedy of miscarriage, and both happened in very similar circumstances :(
It has been truly heartbreaking to see them go through this and really makes me think that even if IVF is successful it doesn't mean will we get a baby
I'm hoping that these less than positive thoughts will go away, hopefully they are just a fleeting thought and I can go back to thinking of getting that positive pregnancy test, thinking about how we are going to tell people, thinking about how we are going to explain to Jakson why the baby is in my tummy for so long rather than having to explain why it is taking so long to get the baby in my tummy :)
I keep going from being extremely optimistic and having my hopes right up there to crashing down and having such fear that this is all going to fail or something is going to go wrong
I wish I knew how to get to that place where I am prepared in case it doesn't work out but also so hopeful and optimistic that it will work.....
I went in to this with the highest hopes possible, so sure it was all going to work but now, well now I'm not so sure. Maybe it's because it's so close now, I have a scan on Monday to see if we're ready to go to the next stage or if I need some more injection or if we need to cancel this cycle (if my body has under or over stimulated).
We also have had to two very close friends go through the tragedy of miscarriage, and both happened in very similar circumstances :(
It has been truly heartbreaking to see them go through this and really makes me think that even if IVF is successful it doesn't mean will we get a baby
I'm hoping that these less than positive thoughts will go away, hopefully they are just a fleeting thought and I can go back to thinking of getting that positive pregnancy test, thinking about how we are going to tell people, thinking about how we are going to explain to Jakson why the baby is in my tummy for so long rather than having to explain why it is taking so long to get the baby in my tummy :)
Thursday, June 24, 2010
A little update
I am have two injection so far and both have been very painful :(
Although it is the same drug I am using as I did last cycle, this time is it much more painful.
This is probably because it is triple the does and also because I found out you are supposed to keep it in the fridge (I didn't do that last cycle, but it would have been ok because it's winter so it would have always been under 25 degrees) so perhaps having it cold makes it sting more?? Whatever the reason, they are not fun :(
A little bit of TMI (too much information) for you all now, but hey...I've already shared a lot with you, LOL
This period has been the worst I have ever had in my life :(
I am extremely exhausted and drained. I am dizzy, giddy and often feel very light headed to the point I have to hold on to something so I don't fall...I can't believe some people have to deal with this every cycle, I don't think I would be able to.
I'm hoping as my period finished and I move on to the next lot of injections I will be feeling better and have some energy back, I would hate to feel like this for the entire cycle
Although it is the same drug I am using as I did last cycle, this time is it much more painful.
This is probably because it is triple the does and also because I found out you are supposed to keep it in the fridge (I didn't do that last cycle, but it would have been ok because it's winter so it would have always been under 25 degrees) so perhaps having it cold makes it sting more?? Whatever the reason, they are not fun :(
A little bit of TMI (too much information) for you all now, but hey...I've already shared a lot with you, LOL
This period has been the worst I have ever had in my life :(
I am extremely exhausted and drained. I am dizzy, giddy and often feel very light headed to the point I have to hold on to something so I don't fall...I can't believe some people have to deal with this every cycle, I don't think I would be able to.
I'm hoping as my period finished and I move on to the next lot of injections I will be feeling better and have some energy back, I would hate to feel like this for the entire cycle
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
A smile
Johnny and I were laying bed yesterday talking about what we are about to go through and I said to him 'what are you going to do when I tell you I'm pregnant?'
The smile that then appeared on his face was beautiful, it was one of those smiles where you could tell he was trying not to smile (he is trying to not get his hopes up to much) but he couldn't hold back, the joy that he showed me at just the thought of me being pregnant......that is why I am doing this, because I know when I really do get to tell him I'm pregnant that smile will be a million times bigger and better than that beautiful one I saw yesterday :)
The smile that then appeared on his face was beautiful, it was one of those smiles where you could tell he was trying not to smile (he is trying to not get his hopes up to much) but he couldn't hold back, the joy that he showed me at just the thought of me being pregnant......that is why I am doing this, because I know when I really do get to tell him I'm pregnant that smile will be a million times bigger and better than that beautiful one I saw yesterday :)
Our IVF cycle explained
IVF can be confusing even for the people going through it so I am going to try my best to explain it to you all.
There are many different IVF cycles that you can do, different cycles use different methods and drugs.
The IVF cycle that we are doing is called an 'Antagonist ICSI Cycle'
The first day of my period is cycle day 1 (CD1)
FHS Injections:
From CD3 up til (and including) CD7 I will be injecting Puregon which contains FHS.
FHS is a synthetic hormone which stimulates development of ovarian follicles (the sac of fluid that contains the egg) the eggs are than collected from these follicles later on.
Stimulation Scan:
On CD8 I will have an internal scan to measure the endometrial thickness, size and number of follicles on each ovary.
The largest follicle will be identified and once that one reaches 12-14mm in size the doctor will order antagonist injections to begin.
If I have had a poor or over stimulated response to the FHS injections than the cycle may be cancelled.
Antagonist and Trigger Injections:
What is an antagonist injection?
Up until my scan I would not have had any drugs to stop me ovulating (releasing the egg naturally).
The antagonist injection works to prevent ovulation by suppressing my own natural production of Lustenising Hormone.
Once my follicles have reached 14mm than ovulation could occur naturally and therefore the antagonist injection is required to stop it.
I may have to take antagonist injections for one to four days up until the day of my trigger injection.
The role of the trigger injection is to trigger the final maturation of the eggs ready for my ovum pick up (OPU).
This injection is a one off injection and is usually given 37 hours before OPU is scheduled.
Ovum Pick Up (OPU):
One the day of OPU Johnny will have to give a fresh sperm sample and I will go in for the OPU procedure.
It is generally done in the morning and that actual procedure takes about 20 minutes depending on how many follicles there are.
I will be put under general anaesthetic.
The needle is passed through the vaginal wall into the ovary and one follicle is aspirated (sucked up, lol) into a test tube at a time.
The test tube containing the follicular fluid is then immediately passed to the adjacent Melbourne IVF laboratory and checked to ascertain whether it contains an egg.
This process continues until all the follicles seen on the ultrasound as aspirated, the same procedure is than carried out on the other ovary.
We are doing an ICSI cycle (IntraCytoplasmic Sperm Injection) , which means they will pick the best possible sperm they can and insert them directly into each egg (non ICSI cycles they just put them both in the dish and let the sperm do their thing of penetrating the egg). When the egg has been fertilised by the sperm it than becomes an embryo.
Two days after the they have created the embryos we will have an embryo transfer
Embryo Transfer (ET):
We will than go back to the same hospital where the OPU took place and have 1 embryo put back in.
The ET will take about 15 minutes and there is no preparation required.
Some women describe the ET as having the same amount of discomfort as a pap smear.
Following the ET I will than have 14 days of Luteal Phase Support
If we have been able to get more than one embryo the rest will be frozen (they can be frozen for years) in case we want/need to use them down the track.
Luteal Phase Support:
The Luteal Phase Support I will be using is called Crinone.
Crinone contains a natural progesterone (a hormone that is produced by the ovaries during the second half of the menstrual cycle).
Progesterone is needed to prepare the uterus for pregnancy and to help maintain the pregnancy until the placenta is developed - a process known as Luteal Phase Support.
Women who do not produce enough progesterone may have difficulties in becoming pregnant and may have a higher risk of miscarriage.
Pregnancy Test:
14 days after the embryo transfer I will have a pregnancy test to see if the IVF cycle has been successful or not.
Please keep your fingers crossed that we get a positive test :)
So that's it! It's amazing the technology we have available to us, we are very luck that we can access this type of medical assistance
There are many different IVF cycles that you can do, different cycles use different methods and drugs.
The IVF cycle that we are doing is called an 'Antagonist ICSI Cycle'
The first day of my period is cycle day 1 (CD1)
FHS Injections:
From CD3 up til (and including) CD7 I will be injecting Puregon which contains FHS.
FHS is a synthetic hormone which stimulates development of ovarian follicles (the sac of fluid that contains the egg) the eggs are than collected from these follicles later on.
Stimulation Scan:
On CD8 I will have an internal scan to measure the endometrial thickness, size and number of follicles on each ovary.
The largest follicle will be identified and once that one reaches 12-14mm in size the doctor will order antagonist injections to begin.
If I have had a poor or over stimulated response to the FHS injections than the cycle may be cancelled.
Antagonist and Trigger Injections:
What is an antagonist injection?
Up until my scan I would not have had any drugs to stop me ovulating (releasing the egg naturally).
The antagonist injection works to prevent ovulation by suppressing my own natural production of Lustenising Hormone.
Once my follicles have reached 14mm than ovulation could occur naturally and therefore the antagonist injection is required to stop it.
I may have to take antagonist injections for one to four days up until the day of my trigger injection.
The role of the trigger injection is to trigger the final maturation of the eggs ready for my ovum pick up (OPU).
This injection is a one off injection and is usually given 37 hours before OPU is scheduled.
Ovum Pick Up (OPU):
One the day of OPU Johnny will have to give a fresh sperm sample and I will go in for the OPU procedure.
It is generally done in the morning and that actual procedure takes about 20 minutes depending on how many follicles there are.
I will be put under general anaesthetic.
The needle is passed through the vaginal wall into the ovary and one follicle is aspirated (sucked up, lol) into a test tube at a time.
The test tube containing the follicular fluid is then immediately passed to the adjacent Melbourne IVF laboratory and checked to ascertain whether it contains an egg.
This process continues until all the follicles seen on the ultrasound as aspirated, the same procedure is than carried out on the other ovary.
We are doing an ICSI cycle (IntraCytoplasmic Sperm Injection) , which means they will pick the best possible sperm they can and insert them directly into each egg (non ICSI cycles they just put them both in the dish and let the sperm do their thing of penetrating the egg). When the egg has been fertilised by the sperm it than becomes an embryo.
Two days after the they have created the embryos we will have an embryo transfer
Embryo Transfer (ET):
We will than go back to the same hospital where the OPU took place and have 1 embryo put back in.
The ET will take about 15 minutes and there is no preparation required.
Some women describe the ET as having the same amount of discomfort as a pap smear.
Following the ET I will than have 14 days of Luteal Phase Support
If we have been able to get more than one embryo the rest will be frozen (they can be frozen for years) in case we want/need to use them down the track.
Luteal Phase Support:
The Luteal Phase Support I will be using is called Crinone.
Crinone contains a natural progesterone (a hormone that is produced by the ovaries during the second half of the menstrual cycle).
Progesterone is needed to prepare the uterus for pregnancy and to help maintain the pregnancy until the placenta is developed - a process known as Luteal Phase Support.
Women who do not produce enough progesterone may have difficulties in becoming pregnant and may have a higher risk of miscarriage.
Pregnancy Test:
14 days after the embryo transfer I will have a pregnancy test to see if the IVF cycle has been successful or not.
Please keep your fingers crossed that we get a positive test :)
So that's it! It's amazing the technology we have available to us, we are very luck that we can access this type of medical assistance
Monday, June 21, 2010
It's all happening now
Well my period decided to come earlier than usual this month, it was due around Wednesday/Thursday but came today instead!
So freaking out a bit this morning that we were going to miss our chance this month because I wasn't due to see the nurse & accounts department until Friday - meaning I would be too late to start the treatment this month.
However after a quick phone call to our IVF clinic I was able to change the appointments to see the nurse tomorrow and accounts department today :)
We also had our counselling session today and to be honest neither of us were looking forward to it.
I will be honest and say that we didn't come away from it any more knowledgeable or prepared and if it were optional instead of mandatory we would not have done it.
Everything that was explained to us were things we already knew.
Before deciding the IVF was the path for us we made sure we were well informed and knew what was involved.
We did however sign the legal forms of what to do with any left over eggs or sperm that we do not use, we have chosen to donate them for medical research.
We also had to make the decision on what we want the other to do with any left over Embryos' should one of us pass away, we both chose to allow the other to use them.
Overall for us I wouldn't say this session was helpful, that's probably because there was no new information for us but it is good to know that we can access the counselors at any time should we feel we need some extra support.
After the counselling session we had our appointment with the accounts department, where we went through the fees and payment options.
We have now payed for the full IVF cycle, that was a bit of a relief to get that out of the way.
Tomorrow I have the appointment with the nurse where she will talk me through everything I have to do, starting with injections on Wednesday and a scan next week.
There is going to be a lot of information to take in but I think I'm ready for it, I guess too bad if I'm not ready because this is happening....and happening NOW! :)
So freaking out a bit this morning that we were going to miss our chance this month because I wasn't due to see the nurse & accounts department until Friday - meaning I would be too late to start the treatment this month.
However after a quick phone call to our IVF clinic I was able to change the appointments to see the nurse tomorrow and accounts department today :)
We also had our counselling session today and to be honest neither of us were looking forward to it.
I will be honest and say that we didn't come away from it any more knowledgeable or prepared and if it were optional instead of mandatory we would not have done it.
Everything that was explained to us were things we already knew.
Before deciding the IVF was the path for us we made sure we were well informed and knew what was involved.
We did however sign the legal forms of what to do with any left over eggs or sperm that we do not use, we have chosen to donate them for medical research.
We also had to make the decision on what we want the other to do with any left over Embryos' should one of us pass away, we both chose to allow the other to use them.
Overall for us I wouldn't say this session was helpful, that's probably because there was no new information for us but it is good to know that we can access the counselors at any time should we feel we need some extra support.
After the counselling session we had our appointment with the accounts department, where we went through the fees and payment options.
We have now payed for the full IVF cycle, that was a bit of a relief to get that out of the way.
Tomorrow I have the appointment with the nurse where she will talk me through everything I have to do, starting with injections on Wednesday and a scan next week.
There is going to be a lot of information to take in but I think I'm ready for it, I guess too bad if I'm not ready because this is happening....and happening NOW! :)
Sunday, June 20, 2010
When to tell?
****** I want to start off by saying that this post talks about a very sensitive topic, miscarriage ******
We could be starting IVF as early as this week!
The closer it gets the more questions it has brought up between Johnny and myself and one of the biggest ones is if we do have a successful cycle, when do we tell people?
I know it is very common to with until the 12 week mark to make the announcement and that was our intention when we had Jakson however sever morning sickness (or all day sickness) meant the excuse of 'I have the flu' or 'just not feeling well' didn't cut it and we had to tell everyone our good news.
One of the reasons I wanted to wait until the 12 weeks mark with Jakson was because miscarriage is very common in my family. It's something you never want to think about but something that had fear run through me right throughout the pregnancy.
At about the 11 week mark of my pregnancy I thought my fears had come true when on Christmas Eve 2004 I was at my mother in laws house and suddenly felt very wet.
I went to the toilet and have never seen so much blood, my underwear and pants were soaked in blood.
We went straight to emergency and being Christmas Eve, there wasn't much they could do for us.
They had a very old ultrasound machine, so old that they had to keep tapping the screen to stop it cutting out!
We were very lucky that we got to see our baby and know he was ok.
But for every day for the rest of my pregnancy I bleed, some days it was only small and others bigger but each and every day there was blood.
I was never given a reason, they eventually told us that it was probably coming from behind the placenta but nothing to worry about as the baby always seemed fine.
That moment on Christmas Eve will stay with me forever, that feeling of complete and utter fear, that feeling of the not knowing if everything was ok or not...that feeling will never leave me.
I feel truly blessed that we got to go on and have a healthy baby at full term, many others are not so lucky and my heart goes out to them.
I will admit that I was very uninformed about miscarriage, I thought if you got past those first few weeks you were pretty much safe, get past 12 weeks and it should all be easy sailing but I was very wrong.
Over the past two and a half years my eyes have been opened very wide to the fact that there is no safe time in pregnancy, tragedy can strike at any time :(
So this brings me back to the question that we have been asking ourselves, when do we tell people?
Do we wait for the traditional safe 12 week announcement or do we share our joy with those that have given us unconditional support and love during our struggles?
If we tell people than of course, we need to tell Jakson.
But what if the unimaginable happens and we than have to tell Jakson that his baby brother or sister is no longer with us?
I have seen many beautiful couples that have had to make that announcement where they tell people their baby is no longer with them and for each and every announcement like that that I have heard, my heart has broken :( I have shed many tears for these people and wished I could take their pain away.
So what does it come down to for us?
I think it is that there really is no safe time to wait, and that if we do have to break that heartbreaking news to Jakson and family/friends than just to hope it will just be another challenge we have to face and hope it makes us stronger.
We have had so much support from people, I just don't know if I could hold out when we do get that amazing news that we are pregnant.
In a way I feel that I owe it to everyone who has read this blog, taken time to send us messages or gifts, wished us good luck or given advice and just for all of those who have been apart of this journey we are on.
Whatever we decide, you can be assured that when we do announce we are pregnant it will be a big announcement ;)
We could be starting IVF as early as this week!
The closer it gets the more questions it has brought up between Johnny and myself and one of the biggest ones is if we do have a successful cycle, when do we tell people?
I know it is very common to with until the 12 week mark to make the announcement and that was our intention when we had Jakson however sever morning sickness (or all day sickness) meant the excuse of 'I have the flu' or 'just not feeling well' didn't cut it and we had to tell everyone our good news.
One of the reasons I wanted to wait until the 12 weeks mark with Jakson was because miscarriage is very common in my family. It's something you never want to think about but something that had fear run through me right throughout the pregnancy.
At about the 11 week mark of my pregnancy I thought my fears had come true when on Christmas Eve 2004 I was at my mother in laws house and suddenly felt very wet.
I went to the toilet and have never seen so much blood, my underwear and pants were soaked in blood.
We went straight to emergency and being Christmas Eve, there wasn't much they could do for us.
They had a very old ultrasound machine, so old that they had to keep tapping the screen to stop it cutting out!
We were very lucky that we got to see our baby and know he was ok.
But for every day for the rest of my pregnancy I bleed, some days it was only small and others bigger but each and every day there was blood.
I was never given a reason, they eventually told us that it was probably coming from behind the placenta but nothing to worry about as the baby always seemed fine.
That moment on Christmas Eve will stay with me forever, that feeling of complete and utter fear, that feeling of the not knowing if everything was ok or not...that feeling will never leave me.
I feel truly blessed that we got to go on and have a healthy baby at full term, many others are not so lucky and my heart goes out to them.
I will admit that I was very uninformed about miscarriage, I thought if you got past those first few weeks you were pretty much safe, get past 12 weeks and it should all be easy sailing but I was very wrong.
Over the past two and a half years my eyes have been opened very wide to the fact that there is no safe time in pregnancy, tragedy can strike at any time :(
So this brings me back to the question that we have been asking ourselves, when do we tell people?
Do we wait for the traditional safe 12 week announcement or do we share our joy with those that have given us unconditional support and love during our struggles?
If we tell people than of course, we need to tell Jakson.
But what if the unimaginable happens and we than have to tell Jakson that his baby brother or sister is no longer with us?
I have seen many beautiful couples that have had to make that announcement where they tell people their baby is no longer with them and for each and every announcement like that that I have heard, my heart has broken :( I have shed many tears for these people and wished I could take their pain away.
So what does it come down to for us?
I think it is that there really is no safe time to wait, and that if we do have to break that heartbreaking news to Jakson and family/friends than just to hope it will just be another challenge we have to face and hope it makes us stronger.
We have had so much support from people, I just don't know if I could hold out when we do get that amazing news that we are pregnant.
In a way I feel that I owe it to everyone who has read this blog, taken time to send us messages or gifts, wished us good luck or given advice and just for all of those who have been apart of this journey we are on.
Whatever we decide, you can be assured that when we do announce we are pregnant it will be a big announcement ;)
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