Reality......with a kick!

So for the last week or so I've been feeling a little bit of movement from bubs but I've just been fobbing it off as maybe it is or maybe isn't bubs, well that was until last night when that movement got a bit more frequent and a lot harder :)

It's a fantastic and reassuring feeling, every so often I get a bit of a push just to remind me that our beautiful bub is still there ♥


However with this amazing feeling also comes the reality that for the next 20 or so weeks I will be very conscious of how much bubs is moving and if bubs is having a bit of a rest day.... I know I won't feel rested, I will anxious and worried until they start to move again




But that feeling of anxiousness is a small price to pay for getting to experience the amazing and beautiful feeling of carrying a child within you ♥

The change...

I don't know when the change happened but I'm glad it did because the thoughts I'm having now leaving me smiling like the Cheshire cat :)

I am finding more often than not that I am thinking about all the little things we have to look forward to.
Like finding out if we are having a boy or girl (only 8 sleeps to go, not that I'm counting ;)
or feeling bubs kick for the first time or the first time Johnny & Jakson feel bubs kick ♥

The other things I keeping thinking about is when our beautiful little miracle comes out and joins our family, making the announcement to all our friends and family, holding bubs and smelling that newborn smell that you just can't compare to anything ♥


That feeling of complete and utter contentment that you get from holding a newborn on your chest....that's what I think about now  ♥

Anxiety

I know that feeling anxious is a normal part of pregnancy but I wasn't prepared for how anxious I would feel about simple things this pregnancy.

I knew that we would both feel nervous and anxious before appointments and tests but I never thought I would feel anxious about something as simple as looking or buying baby things.

Target has a baby sale on and last Thursday I thought I could go down and put lay-by some baby clothes...simple enough, right?

Well on the way there, after some tears, I realised that I couldn't do it.....well not by myself anyway.
So I called my sisters and one of them was able to come with me.

I can't really explain why I couldn't go by myself, in a way I think I needed someone there to tell me that it is ok to buy things for the baby, it's ok to let myself think about when the baby is here....it's ok to think that things will be ok


The anxiety and thoughts I was feeling was horrible, it should have been a happy and joyous trip to the shops but instead I just kept thinking of how hard we fought to get to this stage and how easily it came in the end, and how easily it can all be taken away too :(
I was scared that I was going to jinx us by buying things for the baby



I hope we can get to a place where we can shop with joy and excitement and not fear and anxiety

Finally here

I'm happy to say that I am now 15 weeks pregnant and looking forward to finding out if we are having a boy or a girl soon ♥

I'm also very happy to say that I feel like I'm starting to bond with our baby now.
For me, I think the things that have helped is watching Johnny or Jakson rub or kiss my belly or talk to bubs.

I see that they love baby and I've allowed myself to know that it's ok for me to love bubs too.


I have finally allowed myself to know that just because so many things went wrong while trying to conceive bubs (who my mum has affectionately nicknamed 'Peanut') it doesn't mean that I have to have my defenses up or try to prepare myself for the worst, it's ok to believe that everything will go well and will we finally get our much loved baby at the end of all of this.


I am finally allowing myself to live in the now, not in the past or the future but in the right here and now....a place where I am happy, a place where I am pregnant, a place where we can prepare for a new addition to our family..... a place I have wanted to be at for so long, well I'm finally here :)

Bonding, will it happen?

I invested so much emotional energy into getting pregnant, I don't think I left anything for when I actually did fall pregnant.

Now maybe it's just that it's early in the pregnancy or that I am physically very exhausted from it so far (anemia and horrible morning sickness have left me pretty weak) but I kind of feel emotionally bankrupt at the moment.

Things that would normally upset me, don't even register on my radar at the moment.
Things that would normally leave me feeling excited and happy, while I am a bit excited & happy, it's no where I would normally be.


I want to be feeling things but I just don't have the energy. Over the past three years I have cried pretty much every day, however I couldn't tell you the last time I cried lately.
It's not that there haven't been things to make me cry, I've seen both my son and husband very upset (this would normally be enough to make me bawl my eyes out) I've read sad article in the news, watched sad things on TV....normally just watching ads on TV makes me cry! lol


I scared that this will continue and I won't be able to bond with my baby while I'm pregnant.
I'm hoping this is not the case and at least by the time I can feel the baby kicking I will have started to bond with it.




So much time and energy (physically, emotionally, psychologically) went in to getting to this stage, I don't think I was ready for what would happen after we got pregnant.

Just a random post

Just a bit of a random post about something I've been thinking about

All throughout our struggle we were always told of "those stories", you know the ones where the person tried everything medically (both western and Asian/Chinese medicine) and as soon as they stopped it all and either took a break or "relaxed" they fell pregnant.
Now I know for some people these stories may have helped but I hated hearing them, nearly as much as I hated hearing that all we had to do was relax, take a break or that it would happen when the time was right.


For me, while these stories are nice and I am excited for the people it happened for, I never ever imagined we would be one of them.

Hearing people tell me these stories of people they know always frustrated me. I always felt as though our struggles were being somewhat disregarded or that we were being over dramatic and that as soon as we just let thing happen it would work out for us.

And now we are one of those stories.

We tried for three and a half years, had many tests, tried many drugs and even IVF only to fall pregnant naturally.
I hope when people hear our story it won't upset them, although I'm sure for the ones it does they will still put on the brave face and thank the person for sharing, just like I did and than go home and either yell, cry or just want to punch something!


While relaxing is always going to be good for the body, it is not a cure for infertility.
One of the things we have heard a lot of since announcing we are pregnant is "see I told you all you needed to do was to relax" I don't know why people suddenly think we were relaxing??
In fact the month we fall pregnant was a particularly stressful month for us, definitely not relaxing!



I wish the cure for infertility was something as simple as just relaxing. If that were the case instead of spending the thousands and thousands of dollars that we have on medical treatment, we would have spent it on a nice holiday where we could have just relaxed on the beach ;)

Hello December!

So December has finally fallen upon us and it won't be long until Christmas is knocking at our door!


I love Christmas, I love everything about it :)

I am so grateful that even through our hard times over the past three and a half years, we have had Jakson to make Christmas special.

I know many friends out there at the moment who are not only going to find Christmas hard but the lead up to Christmas. All the families in the shops, the decorations and all things festive that fill our shops, streets and homes.

Over the past year I have had friends suffer miscarriages, go through the tragedy of watching their child become an angle in heaven, have relationship breakdowns, and go through many unsuccessful IVF attempts.



I wish there was something I could do to make it magically better for them all. I wish I could tell them it's going to be ok, but I can't say that because I don't know.


I want to be able to enjoy Christmas as a pregnant lady, I want to rub my belly and show it off as it grows but I am very conscious as to how hurtful it can be for those around me.

Even something as simple as Facebook always puts me in a bit of a dilemma. I want to be able to share our progress with everyone, but I also know what it is like to see pregnancy updates when you are sitting there in tears thinking it may never happen for you.
I hate to admit it but I did 'hide' friends on Facebook that were pregnant, just because I couldn't bare to see their pregnancy updates. As much as I wanted to share in it with them and be joyous, my own bitterness and fear stopped me from doing that.

I have thought about blocking some friends from seeing my pregnancy posts, but I know it's not my place to try and protect others. However I would not be offended at all if they were to hide my posts to protect themselves.


I hope that no matter what people are going through, they are able to find some joy during this time. Something to make them smile, laugh and even if just for a few minutes, something to make them forget the hard time they are going through.