Pregnancy isn't easy......

...well not for me anyway.

I know some people glow during their pregnancy and love every bit of it, but me, well I don't glow...or at least I don't feel like I do.

It's hard to actually say out loud that I am struggling, I feel an incredible sense of guilt saying that I don't find it easy.

But the truth is that I don't find it easy, I still have horrible morning sickness, excruciating back pain to the point where I cannot walk sometimes, sever migraines which may result in me having to see a neurologist soon and I'm still trying to get my gestational diabetes under control.
On top of all of the physical things I am trying to work though some very deep emotional and psychological issues as we try to decide what kind of birth our daughter will have. 

We fought so hard to get our little princess, went through so much pain and heartache and I really just want to be able to enjoy being pregnant....even if only for a week or two.
From the moment I wake up until the moment I fall asleep, I am in pain :(


People say to me 'but you finally have want you wanted" and all I can think when they say it is that infertility doesn't make being pregnant easier. If anything it makes me feel like I can't talk about it to those around me, how could I possible complain about something I've wanted for so long??

Yes, I wouldn't change it for the world but that doesn't mean that it is any easier to deal with.

The pain I feel is very real, infertility or not, that pain is here and I can't see it letting up anytime soon.

The thing that gets me though is knowing that in a few months I am going to get to hold our beautiful daughter, and that moment will be worth any pain any at :)

Our little princess

So it's been just over a week since we found out we are going to be adding a little princess our family ♥


From the moment, and I literally mean the moment I found out I was pregnant I have had the most unbelievably strong feeling that bubs is a girl. 
I have never been so sure of a feeling in my life. I should add that this feeling wasn't because I wanted a girl, if you ask anyone who knows me they will tell you that I've always said I only ever wanted boys. 


There are some personal reasons as to why I haven't wanted a daughter, but to be honest I have just never seen myself as having a daughter, only sons. 


But the feeling of bubs being a girl from the start has been a very euphoric feeling, a feeling of just knowing it's right. 


The night before our ultrasound I couldn't sleep, I was so excited to know that I was finally going to have my feeling confirmed. It was like I was a little kid on Christmas Eve!


We had to wait a while once we were in the ultrasound until we found out. The songorapher had to take lots of measurements and all the routine things, but all I wanted to know was that bubs was healthy and a girl ;)

Being told that she is a girl just felt right, actually it felt more than right...it felt awesome! I could finally start calling her by gender rather than 'it' or just bubs :)




It's weird after 6 years of shopping for boys clothes to finally be looking at the pink section, but I think it's something I will get used to pretty quickly :)

Reality......with a kick!

So for the last week or so I've been feeling a little bit of movement from bubs but I've just been fobbing it off as maybe it is or maybe isn't bubs, well that was until last night when that movement got a bit more frequent and a lot harder :)

It's a fantastic and reassuring feeling, every so often I get a bit of a push just to remind me that our beautiful bub is still there ♥


However with this amazing feeling also comes the reality that for the next 20 or so weeks I will be very conscious of how much bubs is moving and if bubs is having a bit of a rest day.... I know I won't feel rested, I will anxious and worried until they start to move again




But that feeling of anxiousness is a small price to pay for getting to experience the amazing and beautiful feeling of carrying a child within you ♥

The change...

I don't know when the change happened but I'm glad it did because the thoughts I'm having now leaving me smiling like the Cheshire cat :)

I am finding more often than not that I am thinking about all the little things we have to look forward to.
Like finding out if we are having a boy or girl (only 8 sleeps to go, not that I'm counting ;)
or feeling bubs kick for the first time or the first time Johnny & Jakson feel bubs kick ♥

The other things I keeping thinking about is when our beautiful little miracle comes out and joins our family, making the announcement to all our friends and family, holding bubs and smelling that newborn smell that you just can't compare to anything ♥


That feeling of complete and utter contentment that you get from holding a newborn on your chest....that's what I think about now  ♥

Anxiety

I know that feeling anxious is a normal part of pregnancy but I wasn't prepared for how anxious I would feel about simple things this pregnancy.

I knew that we would both feel nervous and anxious before appointments and tests but I never thought I would feel anxious about something as simple as looking or buying baby things.

Target has a baby sale on and last Thursday I thought I could go down and put lay-by some baby clothes...simple enough, right?

Well on the way there, after some tears, I realised that I couldn't do it.....well not by myself anyway.
So I called my sisters and one of them was able to come with me.

I can't really explain why I couldn't go by myself, in a way I think I needed someone there to tell me that it is ok to buy things for the baby, it's ok to let myself think about when the baby is here....it's ok to think that things will be ok


The anxiety and thoughts I was feeling was horrible, it should have been a happy and joyous trip to the shops but instead I just kept thinking of how hard we fought to get to this stage and how easily it came in the end, and how easily it can all be taken away too :(
I was scared that I was going to jinx us by buying things for the baby



I hope we can get to a place where we can shop with joy and excitement and not fear and anxiety

Finally here

I'm happy to say that I am now 15 weeks pregnant and looking forward to finding out if we are having a boy or a girl soon ♥

I'm also very happy to say that I feel like I'm starting to bond with our baby now.
For me, I think the things that have helped is watching Johnny or Jakson rub or kiss my belly or talk to bubs.

I see that they love baby and I've allowed myself to know that it's ok for me to love bubs too.


I have finally allowed myself to know that just because so many things went wrong while trying to conceive bubs (who my mum has affectionately nicknamed 'Peanut') it doesn't mean that I have to have my defenses up or try to prepare myself for the worst, it's ok to believe that everything will go well and will we finally get our much loved baby at the end of all of this.


I am finally allowing myself to live in the now, not in the past or the future but in the right here and now....a place where I am happy, a place where I am pregnant, a place where we can prepare for a new addition to our family..... a place I have wanted to be at for so long, well I'm finally here :)

Bonding, will it happen?

I invested so much emotional energy into getting pregnant, I don't think I left anything for when I actually did fall pregnant.

Now maybe it's just that it's early in the pregnancy or that I am physically very exhausted from it so far (anemia and horrible morning sickness have left me pretty weak) but I kind of feel emotionally bankrupt at the moment.

Things that would normally upset me, don't even register on my radar at the moment.
Things that would normally leave me feeling excited and happy, while I am a bit excited & happy, it's no where I would normally be.


I want to be feeling things but I just don't have the energy. Over the past three years I have cried pretty much every day, however I couldn't tell you the last time I cried lately.
It's not that there haven't been things to make me cry, I've seen both my son and husband very upset (this would normally be enough to make me bawl my eyes out) I've read sad article in the news, watched sad things on TV....normally just watching ads on TV makes me cry! lol


I scared that this will continue and I won't be able to bond with my baby while I'm pregnant.
I'm hoping this is not the case and at least by the time I can feel the baby kicking I will have started to bond with it.




So much time and energy (physically, emotionally, psychologically) went in to getting to this stage, I don't think I was ready for what would happen after we got pregnant.